Thursday, October 30, 2008
It would be completely anonymous and I would not make fun of you unless you wanted to take your cousin to the year 12 ball or if you break out into a rash (rightly so!). And anyway if the email was rash related then I would probably redirect you to Clare becuz she is the expert on rashes and the assorted ointments you might require.
Finally I would just like to say that even though my life is constantly in a state of disrepair I am very good at telling people how to live their lives. Here is a list of areas you might like to axe me about.
-delicious frozen meals
So send me some mail lovers, let me fix you for realsies.
firstname.lastname@example.org (those are underscores inbetween!)
Love from Gemmer xoxo.
Siq cover choice.
When I worked at Rockbey Records, the only thing me and the faggy owners agreed on music-wise was that Hilary Duff's song Beat of my Heart was pretty good. I had to listen to Madonna's album (the one with Hung Up on it) like 17 times in a row. I served Megan Gale when I worked there, she bought The Presets. Glen Jackovich bought Shannon Noll, NO JOKES.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Lately every time my mind wonders I fall into a magical fantasy land. It is almost exactly like everything is now except Clare, Jack and I have made a video of ourselves doing the dance to Single Ladies by group fave Beyonce Knowles. We put it on the webbernet and it becomes a YouTube hit.
The obvious downfall is that it would be our 15 minutes of fame up and I wouldn’t have any fame room left to be in the Guinness World Records for most burgers eaten in one sitting or for accidentally killing an entire endangered species. Would it be worth it? Do I want to SHARE my 15 minutes? I guess I’d have to play it by ear. We’d definitely hit all the demographics: Jack with the homos and faghags, Clare with the 16 year old boys and slut lovers and me with everyone else (dads especially!).
On another note new COD headquarters in bohemian Mt Lawley (one time Clare went to look at a house for rent in Mt Laws and there was a Western Suburbs couple and the girls said something gay like "imagine what are friends would say if we lived in bohemian Mt Lawley. Bint). So Anyway Clare and I have been evicted because our lives are a non-stop Nelly video and the OAPs in the complex can't handle our styles so we're moving somewhere where we actually have no neighbours. One of our neighbours is Hungry Spot, they better get their gravy situation under control by the time we move there or i'm going to spark the 2008 gravy riots.
Love from Geminem xoxo.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
youres hopefully, nina marie elliott (NME)
Friday, October 24, 2008
Jack is not only our favourite fag, but also one of our favourites full stop. Zaw. One time this guy was really mean to Jack so as punishment I went up to the dude and told him all about my eczema, and wouldn't let him get away from the conversation. I was all, "...so then the rash spread ALL the way up my arms, wanna see?". He said no.
Why do we love Jack? Because he's a total dick but nice to us, it's such an honour. One time we were walking in the city to get pies together and he passes this gothed out 13 year old girl and goes "Ew. Boy or girl?". She goes "Pretty sure I'm a girl". He goes, "Gross" and didn't even really break his stride. She probably went home and stuffed her bra with tissues she mopped her tears with and Jack probably doesn't even remember.
One time Gemma played a really funny prank on Laura and Jack laughed so much he vomited. He also sends you lobbed out messages and sleeps on our couch and watches Video Hits with you when you're hungover. He loves Miley Cyrus, Mariah and Beyonce as much as we do. He hates tampons and we love them, but that's like the only thing we disagree on. Happy Homo Day Jack, we're so happy we met you!!!
If you ever get to see Andrew Murray's baby pix, feat. bowl haircut and the sweaters his mom made him, you are one lucky guy.
I looked like this:
Feat. Bangs that mom cut, go up at the sides Danzig style, and my crush, Ross, in the background. He lived across the street from us in Louisiana, we totally had pet tadpoles in the creek near our house together (named Chip and Dale, if you were wondering).
Why do all moms insist on cutting their girl's hair like this? I had a retarded fringe from the moment I grew hair to the moment I grew out my bangs in Year 4. How hard is it to cut in a straight line? My mom's a total bitch.
Feat. grown out bangs, my best friends in year 4 who I don't talk to anymore because one day we all ran away from my parents' house and then we got banned from being friends.
Love Clare xoxoxo
p.s. - I predict the hot new thing this summer will not be getting drunk and breaking into apartment complexes' pools (soooo last summer) but inviting people over to your parents' inevitably air-conditioned house and looking through photo albums. fInGeRs cRoSSeD !!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
im pretty sure its not, sorry.
its like the time i couldnt remember which one was vertical and which one was horizontal but then i did remember because theres this scene in not another teen movie where janies all "lets dance." and hes all "only if were horizontal.."
i think mine got broken when i went on a family holiday too rottnest approx 2001.
i was riding one of thoose blue hire bikes around the island and decided too deviate from my sisters route of choice too go home and sleep (cycling is tiring stuff) sleeping is the best.
anyway, i was cycling gaily through that main bit where the bakery is (or used too be) and i was all overwhelmed by the dainty island atmosphere and crashed intoo one of the wooden picnic tables that was littering the sidewalk.
i was all "owww i think im bleeding where babies are supposd too come from, no chance of babies no more i think. OWWWWW!"
my peddle fell off.
i spent the rest of my ride home cycling my little blue bike with a fucking peddle in one hand and a broken hymen. yeah.
lets hope my next family vacation (in one month) is less painfull. and dnt worry, i havent been too rottnest since (phewph!)
//drinking cold coffee so as i can still be nonzombie like without a fear of hot beverages
//wishing i was as good as that guy on the train who wore leather gloves and whipped out coloured paper and origami-d the heck out
//seeing tash, talking with tash
//eating oranges from the fridge
//using the work phone too make non work related calls
//bandaids: because my nail finally fell off, harhar
//wearing broken watches, encouraging time travel
//having things for people who carry brown paper bags
//wondering why the hell your nemesis would come too yr place of employment HI where are the objects for throwing?
//rediscovering no meat triple cheese burgers, burger stains
//covering up said burger stains by buttoning up my cardigan
all the time in the world...
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Today I met Joe in town and we sat on a stone bench for a while. Then we went to Target and Joe reappropriated me some new white knee high socks. I went and sat on a bench on Hay Street and swapped the dirty ones for the clean ones. Thanks Joe!
P.S. If you want my old socks, and you all do, they're under the bench that's in front of the chemist, just past the entrance to Carillion Food Court.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
(it would also have The Spaceshits - By My Side and The Mice - More Than I Can Talk About on it but I couldn't find them)
Clare was at Gymnastics when she swung fanny first into what is known as the ‘uneven bars’. She bled and everything and her mum (ol’ Janet) saw her undies and prematurely gave her the period talk Judy Blume is so fond of. It would be another three years until Clare would actually reach womanhood, and ten years before she would begin to tell anyone and everyone about her myriad of obscene ‘ragtime tales’.
Then there’s me. I was playing soccer in the rain for the annual winter games (a fierce rivalry between the private girls’ schools of Perth involving games of soccer, netball and hockey where we’d battle TO THE DEATH or until 3pm, whichever came first). I had the ball (like that Indian girl from Bend it like Beckham and the hit show ER), I was running (dribbling?) with the ball when I slipped and fell heel-on-vagina. I was curled on the grass crying and the male umpire came up to me and asked me where it hurt and I said “my stomach?” I went home and had a bath which really stung my patooti. I didn’t tell my mum but she could tell I’d gone through a drastic change because she took me to Target and bought me some Spice Girl stationary.
So basically Clare lost her virginity to a gym bar and I lost mine to my own heel.
Ps. I think one of the most interesting (and wonderful) parts of the time I broke my hymen was that Clare was actually there at the winter games, we just didn’t know each other yet.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
preferably use my mind and talents (HARHAR) for doing weirdly wonderful crafts eg. kinder suprise toy designer or something similar (?)
really, i just wanted too take part in medical experiments and get paid rediculous amounts of money for doing mundane, life threatning things at sporadic intervals and possibly result in death.
ofcourse, before i died i would release a book entitled "NME" which would detail all of the trials and tribulations i have undergone in my so far 20 yrs of exsistence.
not many tough times in retrospect, mostly dumb things like
17 - got really drunk, someone gave me a piggy back, fell off, am now known as humpback of notredame.
THE POINT OF THIS BLOG IS I NEED A NEW JOB SO I CAN QUIT THE ONE I HAVE NOW BECAUSE I AM A BIG QUITTER AND QUIT EVERYTHING BECAUSE I DONT EVEN REALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT. THE END.
ps. i just really want a garden too cultivate my cacti and succulent collections, is that so much too ask?!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Yesterday in an engrish tutorial I was sitting in a direct ray of sunlight which always fucks me up. First of all instead of doing my work I just stared at a point above the teacher's head (it's hard because she has a big head that basically takes up a whole wall. she's a science fiction writer). I looked down at my paper and I had been absent-mindly writing HAHAHAHAHAHAHA all over my page in this really manical handwriting without even realising. The people sitting next to me look uncomfortable, I wanted to be like "I know it's so bugged out" too.
15 minutes after that happened I fell alseep in class (because of the sun) and had one of those split second dreams where you fall over or whatever. I woke up with a start and like half-screamed. For the rest of the class if I looked down then up, every single person would be staring at me and then they would quickly glance away. After the class I kinda wanted to flush my head down the toilet but I got a choc milk instead.
I bought a large pizza on Tuesday and it took me three days to eat the whole thing. Something has gone wrong!!!
I saw a dolphin on the way to school today.
Once me and Gemma get our eviction notice from Parklame Apartments we are moving next door to Hungry Spot and we're not allowed to drink water, only Hungry Spot Gravy.
Love Clare xoxoxo
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
all my failings, flailings and dreams?
let me reveal them too you..
NO#1 GIRL CRUSH EVER (APART FROM JACQUI, THATS A GIVEN, SHES MY LIFE PARTNER)
winona ryder in edward scissor hands: did someone say dreamboat? oh sorry.. i didnt hear you, i was too busy having convulsions of pleasure on yr bathroom floor.
paul banks: i spawned the term 'face like poetry' just from looking at him (see previous blogs) it seriously just fell out of my mouth. no one looks like this hey? hauntingly beautiful
NO#1 DILEMA, DONT KNOW WETHAR I WANT TO BE YOU OR BE WITH YOU
yama indra (second from left): you know how some people just have it. that thing that nobody else has but everyone wants? well yama has that. he also has a moustache (works in his favour) i dont know wethar i want too be his best friend and goofy side kick or spend the rest of my life courting him and baking him stuff. (and possibly bearing his children.. many, many times)
shes young, frivolous and frisky.
shes also neutered, but y'know WHATEVER.
when she was younger i used too foot trip her alot. it is not because i am mean spirited or want too hurt living things (not the case at all) its just it made me laugh alot. and smile. and obviously she didnt mind that much if it kept on happening.
her name is maisey here is a glamour shot of her below
PS// shes had a haircut since this. i kind of wanted too save her for darcys dog but i dont want too cut out all of her options.
i live around the corner from this (cheddar place) its where all yr dreams come true! on my 18th my sister and julias brother (garth) tried too snatch it for me but too no avail.
i dont mind just looking at it anyway, its inspirational.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
That's him showing you what he had for breakfast. Fire of our loins Murray has been in the US for a million years, hanging out with dreamboat Pelsy and being an artichetural fag.
That's him and his lady being first home buyers. Why do we love A.M? Because he is our best friend, that's why. He looks cute in sweaters, is really good at girl rapping, has an amazing record collection, sleeps with a teddy bear in his bed (sorry good ted), his mom made me a burger once, he goes to the beach with you and makes fun of your butt (like calls it the great spotted whale if you are wearing a polka dot bikini which I do), he's in a great band (Hay Taco Leg), writes a blog that goes over my head (Perth's Best), talks about riot grrrl with you and is in general really smart and nice. The first time we met him was 05 New Years Eve and Gemmer made out with him on the floor of Nick Allbrook's parents' house. I don't think I was meant to say that. I vomited that night and Gemma was asked to get me a glass of water but instead she came out giggling with a Pepsi Max. What a bitch!!!!
Andrew Murray is one of those guys that you call by his first and last names too. He is also one of those guys that always has a cool project going on. HEY A.M. GLAD YOU ARE HOME! LET'S HANG OUT EVERYDAY!!
Love from Clare xoxoxo
Saturday, October 11, 2008
in new zealand we call thongs "jandals", is that weird?
i guess either way it dosent really matter as i hardly see it as appropriate footwear for anyone EVER. (reefwalkers are far more socially and age appropriate)
FYI: we also call bathers "togs". haha
anyway the other day darcy, gracey, james, joe were getting frisky just at the mention of the beach. OMG! SAND! LESS CLOTHES! WATER!!!!!
i did not want too go too the beach.
just. didnt. want. too. go...
in their eyes the fact i didnt want too go too the beach clearly ment i was A. demonicly ill B. mentally unstable C. both
they were all "sorry do you need some ALONE time"
like thats the only reason i wouldnt want too go too the beach. like one of my relatives mustve died and now i need some 'alone time' too deal. because obviously thats the ONLY reason i wouldnt want too go too the beach right? im unstable right?
NO. i retorted. i hate people and i hate the sun, why would i put myself in a location that has extreme amounts of both, why?
so there you have it. nina no like summer they may call me. but clearly for sane and justified reasons. the end (a short novel by nina marie elliott)
acute pain of eye sockets
constant feeling of pre barf (nausea)
some form of organ, residing behind the ribcage is constantly hurting
muscle spasms in lower legs
feeling as though "the world may end any moment" aka. the sky is falling syndrome
has failed too have first cigarette of the day even though it is 4:37 pm and awoke hours ago
cheese on its own (oooh)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
QUIT GETTING EVICTED!
Your Brains xoxo
p.s. - sorry for lack of blogs, we're busy getting evicted and doing homework.
p.p.s. - go here http://www.theselby.com/ and look at pictures of people's houses because we don't have one we can stay in for longer than 6 months, apparently.
p.p.p.s. - hay judi rosen, give me yr stuff.
p.p.p.p.s. - adam wallacavage, wtf, I want to die in your house.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
i had a nice time though, thats what counts right?
happy barfday mick zing! (hes at the zoo right now, celebrating)