Tuesday, April 28, 2009

People Making It Who Aren't Us

D.J. A.M., Tony Sparkle and Schmo are like totally killing it. Did their band just get raved about in the Washington Post? Yeah. So their press clipping credentials now read: Vice, the W.P. Next stop: front cover of the Today section of the West Australian? The STM?

"They're probably our favorite band. And it's not an ironic thing. I mean, they sound like shit"

Thankyou for being a friend



R.I.P

I'll never forget you Bea.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Amazing Thoughts From 2am

So my brain doesn't turn to jelly over the holidays and generally for my own pleasure I'm going to write some absolutely filthy Robin Hood fan fiction. Probably called Robin's Hood.

And then if I do creative Writing next semester I'll just hand in all my Robin Hood pornography every time a story is due. In class you have to read out your stories and everything.

So I'm going to be this absolutely silent girl in class but when the time comes everyone is going to hear about how Robin "enters" Marian (who happens to be a pasty skinned red-head who likes ice cream and BBC period dramas way too much).



I need to spend more time sleeping and less time watching TV.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I'm surprised these people can read

I'm on Perthnow.com trying to figure out what the fuck I can write an articles about for stoopid uni. Apparently The Cancer Council is trying to make it compulsory for high school kids to wear wide brimmed hats in the sun.

These are some gems from the comments found amongst the boring "try making my kid do anything" and "cancer is deadly serious" (pun intended?)

"haha im sooo glad im no longer at school them hats are hideous cant wait to see them wearing them haha what a laugh will go perfectly with them genie pants ohh and those hideous gladiator sandals to hahaha ohh they will look even more stupid."

Thankyou haha of perth (westminster) (it took me ages to figure out what "genie pants" are. I call them Aladdin pants since I don't think the genie wore pants)

"Just what we need, another generation of hat wearing bogans"

Thankyou steve of Gosnells (even though I don't get it)

"I would love if students had to wear the ugly hats, as all the kids that wear their gangsta baseball caps would be forced to wear a more suitable alternative. Could you imagine all these hardened teenager taggers with a wide brimmed hat on, priceless! Who knows it might stop all these kids, who wear these gangsta hats, from being lil' pricks!!!"

Omg chalky of (???) I lob you.

Sunday Times, these are your readers.

I am officially creeped the fuck out.

So I was just blog trawling as one does in the "blogosphere" and ended up coming across this little gem - http://catacombkids.wordpress.com/.
The writing is pretty good. Whimsical in a way that kind of reminds me of Gemma Ward's sisters horrible blog (the url escapes me right now, but I'm pretty sure it is papercastles or something) in which she talks about "showering thrice, once to wash off my lovers seed from my belly" but not as obnoxious. I get a few posts down and start getting weirded the fuck out.
In 2005 and 2006 I did a bunch of writing for www.crybloxsome.com when it was a literary magazine. I used to put a lot of it up on my livejournal (everyone had one you judger, don't be such a judger mcgee) as well.


Added bonus: What I used to look like during my literary career. I went to Amplifier a lot.

A few posts are sounding so eerily like what I wrote that I had to go sit outside and chainsmoke a few cigarettes to deal. Here's an early foray into said literary career -

*********** wrote,
@ 2005-12-07 15:36:00

Current music:moloko - party weirdo

for ziksre
People often ask me why I take my glasses off during the middle of the night at the sticky floored establishments that I like to haunt. I sneer at them, take whatever it is out of their hand they are drinking slash smoking and help myself.

When they look at me bewildered, and sometimes somewhat angrily, I explain;
Everything is so much prettier when it’s blurry. Which is the crux of life, basically.

I go through stages of liking the harsh reality of the world clear; everyone is so much dirtier, colours are brighter, smiles are dazzling and I can determine just what exactly that stupid fucking moron is wearing in the name of art and individualism.

But if it lasts too long.. I become dizzy and overwhelmed. Everything is too real, and sharp. Intentions are easier to guess and blatant manipulation of people whom you’re supposed to love, cherish and respect is so goddamn obvious. Apparantly only to me.

Everyone else keeps drinking, smoking, shooting, racking, railing, choking themselves and or others, shopping, vomiting, fighting and having hate sex to escape from the harsh mistress that is reality. She’s kind of like the crazy girl you should have never fucked – sometimes it rocks up on your doorstep at 1am, crying, demanding to be let in because you can really “make it work this time.”
I like to reject that reality and substitute my own. So,

I take them off again. Things meld together. I can still recognize who the fuck is trying to stick their hand up my skirt but I feel a bit better about the situation. Girls look prettier and beer seems to taste better, somehow.

I change into a complete different person; and I’m regularly misquoted, misconstrued and misunderstood when I don’t have my glasses on. People don’t take me as seriously (not that they ever really do. I’m permanently slot into the fixture of the cute but annoying little sister) but that has just as much to do with the outlandish behaviour that non-glasses sometimes prompts as well as the fact that what often boils down to an accessory (especially at indie nights) makes people reconsider your whole existence.

The only time I never take my glasses off is when I am alone, I’m comfortable to a certain degree with myself and have slowly but surely realized that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter what the fuck anyone thinks of and about you. I count myself lucky. I know people double my age that haven’t reached that conclusion yet.

Also, I feel much better about the bottomless void that is my future when I can’t focus on you tragic fucks.

And here is the post in question - Blah Blah

Posted by girlfacekiller April 16th 2009

Everything is so much prettier when it’s blurry, which really is one of the cardinal dilemmas of life when you think about it.
Posted by gracey December 7th 2005

When they look at me bewildered, and sometimes somewhat angrily, I explain; Everything is so much prettier when it’s blurry. Which is the crux of life, basically.

Alright, alright I hear ya, this could be a total coinky-dink. Right?

Posted by girlfacekiller April 16th 2009

Everyone around me is drinking, smoking, pilling, racking, railing, snorting, shooting, getting loaded, choking on and all over themselves just to escape reality.
Posted by gracey December 7th 2005

Everyone else keeps drinking, smoking, shooting, racking, railing, choking themselves and or others, shopping, vomiting, fighting and having hate sex to escape from the harsh mistress that is reality. She’s kind of like the crazy girl you should have never fucked – sometimes it rocks up on your doorstep at 1am, crying, demanding to be let in because you can really “make it work this time.”

If you read the rest of her posts, little things out of this one piece I wrote are sprinkled all the way through her entire blog. The weirdest part of this is I can't really think of how this could have eventuated. Either
a) she found my livejournal
or
b) she remembered something from 2005 that was posted on a literary website and kept it.
She was still
c) weird enough to plaigarise it.

I fucking hate the sunday times

I'm in a baaaad mood. I literally had no more than 6 drinks last night yet I woke up at 6am with a migraine, drove down Stirling Hwy trying to find a chemist that was open. I couldn't find one so I sat in my parents front yard crying until 7.30am then just left without even seeing them. I also barfed up lasagna in my car.

So I'm taking my bad mood out on the journalistic shitstain The Sunday Times.

Firstly, the fact that the face of Wheels and Dollbaby is having a baby is NOT page two news. Babies in general are not news at all unless they are born with 2 weenies or a full set of teeth.

Secondly, Susan Boyle's makeover is not news at all. She still looks like the lasagna I barfed up this morning.

Thirdly (and this is the worst of it), the article How to Survive a First Date. Oh pleeeaaase Sunday Times tell me how to date.

1) don't ask how much he earns: but liiiike how will I know if he can support me when I get pregnant???

2)Keep make-up to a minimum, men prefer the natural look: Memo to Sunday Times: make-up actually duz make you look less uggers. Fuck, I wear make-up to go to the mailbox. Don't tell me what to do.

3) Don't get drunk: PLEEEEAASE as if guys don't love a drunk bitch, we are like, 70% more likely too F you if we are hammered. The secret is out.

4) Wait for him to call you after the date, if he doesn't move on: Or call him, you fucking pussy.

"A kiss at the end of the night is sufficient. Don't dare invite them home" What is this? The 19th century? If you want to give it up on the first date then just do it. Any guy who thinks that is "slutty" is a prick anyway.

This is why I don't date. That and because I barf up Lasagna in my car and I watch Mamma Mia whenever I'm down and I've managed to narrow my 'bed friends' down to Hamster, My Pet Monster and Clandrew like my bed is a fucking reality show. Just three more eliminations before I grow the fuck up.

L*****s and L*****s

So I went to a playground the other day* and shit had to be seen to be believed. Well done Perth, you've really set the bar for disgusting behaviour. We'll start with the L****s, shall we?


Look at these little brats. They even have semi-matching outfits. GET A ROOM GUYS!

Rule of thumb: It is NEVER okay to give wristies in a field.


This couple managed to time travel from 1920 just to give me the shits.

What a Lobber.

Come on guys - I thought we had already established that lollipops were a NO GO ZONE! How come this trend is so fucking popular?



See what I mean? Even the Iraqis are getting into it.


Highlights of my day:
Spending $0
Not being called a tamp

xoxoxoxo
Love Some Dumb Bitch






(*ie. did not really leave my house)

Friday, April 24, 2009

hey lush, have fun, its the weekend

so i did!
the lights came on so it was like, time too go you know.. everyone is either asleep or barfing up their breakfast but im still awake and noone wants too have fun!!
where the party at?
oh wait i didnt go.. (refer too graceys post for party details)
anyway, HAPPY BARFDAY SEEMORE.
amps is just the same, and everyone you thought had moved too melbourne is back and maccing on yr friends so enjoy it while you can. 
see you soon everyone who's anyone..

I am a cutter.

What up guys? Long time no talk. So tonight I went to some dumb indie party and got into a fight! OH MY GOD, I hear you yawn. This one was a little different that my usual belligerent mess - lemme explain.
So I turned around after explaining some long theory of life to another stalwart that wanted to hear nothing except that and I was greeted by a bunch of stony faces and then some insults. Turns out that I actually said something in 2006 that someone was still pissed off about. That is right. Someone was still angry about something I said 3 years ago. I know how primary school can "scar you fo' life" and all that jazz, but I thought people kind of grew out of it after about 17. Appears not.
What were you doing in 2006? I'll tell you what I was doing.
  • Meeting Ben Menzies
  • Drinking
  • Being 19
  • Living with Ree (a joke in itself)
The entire year can be explained in that. Apparantly while I was doing such worthwhile activities I called a guy a "Mr Burns Look-a-Like" and then threw a plate at him while I was driving along on Walcott Street. This scarred him so much that he then sent his now (considerably younger) girlfriend after me at said party, after going "I hate you."

I guess this post has no actual purpose rather than laughing at giant cry babies that think having a 5 ft tall girl calling them names out the front of the Scotsman is the worst thing that can ever happen in the world. I hope a plague of locusts that kind of look like me descend on the 6050. That is the only logical conclusion I can see to this situation.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Essentials



So I live by myself now, I'm single, unemployed and spend my nights watching rom-coms and cuddling up to Clandrew (my stuffed cat).

Life is pretty good.

You know it's cool if Ryan is doing it

Rockabilly is cool again? Shit I need to go hire out Cry Baby and buy some pedal pushers and some scarfs with skulls on them.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Naughty Yowie




http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/804059/yowie-may-have-killed-puppy

Biff King

So I stayed up all night sewing and watching movies. You know how sometimes when people go out they leave the TV on so the dog doesn't get ronery (lonely)? Well I'm like this except I live by myself now so I am ronery all the time and I don't have an antennae for my TV so I just watch DVD after DVD. I have pretty much busted both my DVD played and my VCR from overuse. But anyway I have totally run out of DVDs to watch and at about 3am this morning just so I wouldn't feel alone I watched 300, the movie about Spartans. I was devs about it because it looked totally shit (even though I have a total secret boner for the movie Troy shhhhhh). But it actually wasn't that shit and I totes fell in love with King Leonidas.



This worries me. I'm thinking biff love is contagious and I caught it off Jack. I came up with this troubling theory about two weeks ago when I decided to see how many days it would take me to watch the first season of the OC. I haven't watched the OC since around early '05 (AKA the best year ever btw voted by me and Clare) and back in the day especially high school I lurvvved Seth Cohen, he was dreamy, he made comics cool, he made sarcasm cool!!! (tt joking) But watching it now i only have eyes for Ryan Atwood AKA biff king.

Why has this change occurred? When did it begin? Actually it probably doesn't even matter. Biffs? Indie Wieners? Barf. Maybe I'll go to Sparta, anybody know where I can get some cheap plane tickets?

Also Sparta: how did such a shit band result from such a fucking cool one?

PS. My mum says I have to pay for any therapy my sister might (read WILL) need in the future just because I said she had a weird part in her hair. I'm just preparing her in case any of the bullies at school are smarter than I am (they're not).

PPS. Is it biff or bif? Is it even a real word.

YARD SALE

WHERE? house of avalon, 17 alvan street mount lawley 6050

WHEN? saturday may 2nd and sunday may 3rd (next weekend) 10am till 4pm

WHAT? books, MILLIONS OF CLOTHING AND FINERY, sweet kicks, breakables, belts, a couple of clocks, framed pictures, bowties, videos, FURNITURE, typewriters, a bunny money box, lamps, bags, all the stuff you wished you owned but dont... you are pretty much going too cream yr pants over the selection of stuff available, not too mention the FREE BEER & BAKED GOODS for anyone who comes along. lets drink longnecks and then you buy all my stuff, yeah? excellent.


prices from 50c ZOMG! all money raised will be going towards helping us get off bone in melbourne town. what a worthy cause! 

Sunday, April 19, 2009

busy doing nothing

ive decided, i think that, i may indeed be owning that weird form of epilepsy where you like zone out and if you were driving a car then maybe you would crash.
we watched this awareness film about it in primary school where this mum is totally cooking up some soup then, BAM! she tilts her head on one side and starts pouring the soup out.
talk about bad parenting skills.. anyway sometimes i just sit there for AGES just staring at nothing and then its kind of like i wake up and am aware that i have been doing completely fucking nothing for an hour.
maybe im procrastinating?
well ive discovered copic markers... and i like drawing flags. i guess i really am going places.
LETS GET BUCK WILD THIS WEEKEND, OKAY?!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Living Life!

I am real sick of moving house. I've lived in four houses in the past three years and in every single one I get real excited to make it cute, until the owners wanna move in/renovate/get evicted/housemate dramas and I end up at another temporary home. Cute urge is GONE. CUTE NEVER LASTS. If I had a house for forever and forever I would make a bed-room (a.k.a an entire room made out of a mattress) and then fill it with the million books I should read before I die. DEPRESSING.


the latest way I waste my time

In Dunsborough, I saw this hell indie couple at the market buying "old looking" books for decoration (actual conversation). They totally were buying Readers' Digest and it was pretty funny.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

the fire of my loins

breakfast is undoubtedly my favourite meal of the day, as the choice of sweet and savoury tasty treats is enough too blow youre k.rudd support package, maybe even yr mind!!!
mostly i go for the cold orange option (always cold, never room temperature) but sometimes ill bust out all NOMEATCOOKEDBREAKFEASTPLEASE styles. but thats only usually on special occasions. i also enjoy choc up and go but mostly not at breakfast time.

anyway, brownes does a top notch youghrt in the variety of "banana maple pancake" WTF its like yr craziest dreams come true!!
if yr one of thoose fags who likes skim milk and low fat muffins then please, donut read on. 
however if you have some form of mental/eating disorder please feel free too continue reading as i have devised a plan on how you too may benefit from the love of my life fire of my loins, 2nd favourite dairy product.


lets see.. eat it and purge, wait till it goes all chunky funky then eat it and youll be REAL sick but yr tastebuds possibly satisfied, use as a defence against biffs but not before you open it and creepily stroke the tub before licking it and sending it hurtling towards yr chosen biff or biffette's head, if yr an animal lover smear it all over you and cats might lick you, perhaps try running a soothing bath and adding the chosen product so as you might retain the smell of such baked goods - yr surely too attract a mate this way.

the other week my housemate left me note in the fridge that red NINA and it was stuck on a tub of this. people.. i know what i like, clearly other people know what i like and now the time has come for you too decide what you like. do you like dairy products inspired by meals of yr dreams? or do you like horoscopes, long walks on the beaches and fisting cold hard slabs of meat? ITS UP TOO YOU.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I am not smiles times

My mum got rally mad at me for saying this but I am so bummed that my sister isn't a cute little kid anymore. Now I kinda get why crazy parents get all Munchhausen on their kids. Well not really but anyway.



Look! She's sitting in a basket watching TV awwwwww.

And then...



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

If only I knew, I would have fed her some anti-growth hormone or started her smoking.

Talented Family

I'm going through the photos on my parent's computer and I think maybe my stepdad should go into photography as a profession.



Arty!!!



Quirky!!!



Landscape!!!



Industrial!!!



Nature!!!



Skid mark???

2 Weeks Notice


The business down under


Crotch update #1


This cat was/is A BIG DEAL


SEE


SEE


SEE (p.s. - also an eg of a house party staple game: pegging. we all do it.)


Hell grom


"in its natural habitat"


Blood blista sista!!


"Ol Liz Lemon"


HEY


SERENE


Crotch update #3


Guest Crotch


I didn't rly know where I went on Saturday but I had this on hand to figure things out. Cool.

Love Clare xoxo

p.s. - dig these crotch digs!!

Tragic Human

Worst day ever

I'm not going to lie, today I drove all the way to Subi to buy frozen jesters for my food collection. I left my new Ray Bans on the roof of my car and drove away. When i went back to look for them I scraped my car on a pillar.

On the upside I scraped it in the exact same place as last time.

In the wise words of Liz Lemon,

"I'm going to go talk to some food about this"

Monday, April 13, 2009

Taking it Back

Member when I whined about fashion blogs? I am nomnoming my own words. 12 year old Jew who talks about going through "Nesquik withdrawal" and wears leather vests? I am so so impressed. I wish Gemma's little sister was like this instead of being a giant bummer.









p.s. - girl is also funnier than anyone I know, here is a poem she wrote:
"Friends are like purses
You drag them around
And take money from them
I am so profound"

Sunday, April 12, 2009

dARDY fLASH

How hot is the dude from The Pastels? I only discovered this like 5 minutes ago. It's been a pretty fruitful night.



Love Clare xoxo

Monday, April 6, 2009

Y'all don't fuck us, nigga we fuck you

It's Monday, I've been asleep since 4pm and I dreamt I lived in Guildford. I feel weird. I also feel really excited about living! I'm young and I've got heaps of stuff to do! Whoever is free on Wednesday should come drink sangria with me at noon. Drinking during the day always makes me think of being in high school, because that's what you did back then. I remember I got WASTED off gin when I was 14 and went to the Claremont Fair and I was wearing an asymmetrical top!! I rode on the kiddy ferris wheel and got really excited on it and Richard Court was watching me from the queue. Oops!

Anyway, because I don't rly have email or credit, this is a letter to the C.O.D. and our fellow lady associates. Can we please have a ladies' night like rully rully soon? I watched this video and I think I'm wasting my femininity. I can't embed it but go clicky: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt8QB8nmT2I (you actually won't regret clicking that).



I donut remember the last time I stayed out real late. I've only been to the Paramount once. I think the last time I puked in public was in 2006. I've probably worn high heels like 5 times in my life. I've never had curlers in my hair but once I wore body glitter!! So this is how we gonna do it on the weekend: we are all gonna go to someone's house to get ready and bring enough slutty outfits to do a fashion montage. You are gonna say "Let me borrow that top!!" and I will say "Sure!". The rule is you have to wear high heels and if your skirt/shorts aren't short, then your shirt has to be see-through or low cut. If you get all three (short, see-through, low-cut) then you are a massive winner. If you get a fake tan for the occasion we have to pay for your drinks all night because you are the ultimate.

We gonna drink vodka and diet coke and play drinking games and listen to Dirrty by Aguilera on repeat. She is our idol p.s. We're gonna catch the bus to Northbridge and take ages to buy tickets and stink up the back seats with our shitty perfume. We're gonna drink Bacardi Breezers secretly/obviously. Then we are gonna go to a million sleazy R 'n' B clubs (exclusively R 'n' B) and reapply lipstick in the bathroom. If you are a dude with a goatee we are gonna dance with you. Then say we have boyfriends. If you go home with someone and have sex to T.I. then we have to buy your drinks for the rest of your life because you are even better than the girl with the fake tan. We can yell at policeman and puke and go to peepshows. We can catch the 6am train and then go out for breakfast at 5 pm the next day wearing sunglasses.

Ok???

Love Clare xoxo

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Awful things I have done as a licensed driver

As some of you may know I am the worst driver ever, examples follow.

  • Had an accident on Central ave in Inglewood
  • Set fire to the boot of my hire car with a magnifying mirror
  • Allowed the electronic gates of my old apartment close on my hire car leaving black marks on the doors
  • Drove the wrong way down Beaufort st (in my hire car)
  • Drove the wrong way down Brisbane st
  • Drove for ages with my boot open (yesterday)
  • Scraped my car within the first 15 seconds of driving it for the first time

I'm sure there's more and that Clare could probably think of them.

PS. Thanks to everyone who came to my birthday, sorry I was so gross.

PPS. I sprained my ankle. I ate a hotdog. I'm never drinking again.


Friday, April 3, 2009

Wild and Unruly

http://guesshermuff.blogspot.com

I feel kinda guilty reading this at work. What are they going to do though, fire me?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Comic-on-you

My dad came round the other day. Apart from talking at me about the recession for 2 hours and reiterating the point a million times that I need to do something with my life, like open up a burger bar (in a recession) and make a million dollars, he also dropped off a bunch of stuff that has been sitting at his house from late last year. While unpacking it, I stumbled across these gems which were drawn in the dying days of Tower Ridge amidst boxes of Sparrow takeaway and episodes of The Late Show.


This one is pretty self explanatory. I've never seen an eviction displayed so succintly in 6 short boxes while also letting the world know that I enjoy cook books and am shorter than a chair.


This was my estate agent. The likeness is uncanny. Let's do a side by side shot.

Clearly what I need to do in the recession is become a graphic designer. Look at that beautiful MS Paint work. Moving on..


This one touching on a theme that is reoccuring in all of James' work circa late 2008, my shortness. I can't help that when I was born my head was the size of a mandarin. My mom smoked during pregnancy, okay. (This is untrue.) Let's do another side by side comparison.

P.S. I think I am on drugs in this picture. Nothing else can be responsible for the hectic face I am pulling, but fuck, how short am I?

Now for my favourite one, destined to become an absolute classic and soon to be sold at Quality Comics (Sean Ramsey, I expect an in okay?)..



What would happen in a fight between Nina and I. Again, I am represented by a dot, clearly showing exactly how short I am. Nina's love for The Smiths is duely noted, as is my penchant at the time for wearing knee high socks every day.


Again the likeness is absolutely uncanny. I think James has a real career happening in the near future. Good thing as well, haven't you heard, it's a recession?