Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Police: How tall was he?
Me: Taller than me.
Police: How tall are you?
Me: You tell me.
Me: He had a beard.
Police: How long was his beard?
Me: It was just on his face, you know?
Police: Can you describe his face?
Me: He had a cheeky lil grin. He was pretty cute I guess.
Police: *actually writes "cheeky little grin" on my statement*
Police: What was he wearing?
Me: I think he had a hat.
Police: What colour was it?
Me: Can you just write 'might have been wearing a hat'?
Yeah so everyone should be on the look out for dudes who are maybe wearing hats, with beards on their faces (not off them), who are taller than a kind of short girl and have cheeky grins. WATCH OUT.
Yesterday I got out of bed for an hour, tops. I saw a dolphin in the river today (again).
Love Clare xoxo
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I'm having a real dilemma. I almost never apologise for anything. Apart from the backhanded "I am sorry you are upset" which when you think about it is the most annoying thing you can do apart from hanging up on someone in a phone call, calling them back 10 minutes later and then when they pick up saying "Have you calmed down yet, dear?" in the most condescending manner you can muster.
Sooo.. I have to apologise to this girl for a stupid fight that we had 6 months ago and I really don't know how to go about it. And not only do I have to apologise to her for calling her a cunt, I also have to apologise for spitting on her while she was standing on the ground and I was on a balcony directly above her.
What do I do?
The only option I can come up with in my dumb brain is just start talking to her excitedly next time I see her like nothing ever happened because in my wise and weary travels I have found that most people really want to avoid conflict and pretending that nothing ever happened or politely ignoring someone is the way that humanity (and by humanity, I mean girls) deal with problems.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
You can do that for any errand really. Sometimes when I'm bringing really heavy groceries home from the store I pretend I'm in the army and I'm bringing critical medical (sandwich) supplies back to the troops. It makes me feel noble.
Work is boring too. Not if you play games though! I like to be really really nice to my co-workers one day, then ignore their stupid faces the next, just to keep them guessing. I pretend to forget my manager's name every week just for funsies! Sometimes I play "how long can I hide in the HI-FI section watching Video Hits without anyone noticing". I win every time. When I worked in a lab we played games too. Like "Can Clare fit into the solvent cupboard??" I could!!
Sometimes even getting to sleep is boring, you know, when you try to go to bed early cause you gotta get up early but you ain't tired. I like to twitch all my leg and arm muscles in time to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Or you can do drum 'n' bass leg twitches. I'm doing it right now.
The best time to do "things" is on your day off. "Things" are like driving to Midland to buy butterflies with your friends, or having Girl's Club meetings (involves riding your bike to Hyde Park and drinking longnex), or going to quiz night at shitty pubs and having really good team names (Quiztian Slater, Answers and Gretel, Quiz Mainwaring Is Dead) or watching a whole TV series DVD box set in one day.
In conclusion, fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. Love Clare xoxo.
Friday, July 17, 2009
To set the scene, I had just come home from a small jaunt to a holiday house in Dunsborough. Very small. As in, one night. To be greeted with James slurring all of his words and blinking very slowly and more concerning, my pretty house was trashed and for some reason there was sauce all over my dining table.
Gracey; WHAT THE FUCK, HOW DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?!
James; To be honest, I thought I would be passed out before you got home.
You should probably read his blog because he is super smart and writes real good.
Go HERE - http://toetagsandbodybags.blogspot.com
Monday, July 13, 2009
DON'T THROW YOUR PHONE IN THE DARK IN HYDE PARK.
DON'T PUT YOUR CHANGE IN YOUR BRA BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO POCKETS WHEN YOU BUY DRINKS AND THEN WHEN A GOLD COIN FALLS OUT YOU LOOK DOWN AND THINK 'OH, TREASURE!!' BEND DOWN AND FALL ASS OVER TIT.
DON'T FIGHT WITH PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF BEAUFORT STREET BECAUSE THEN YOU WILL NEVER BE IN A FIXIE GANG OR IF YOU WERE IN ONE, YOU WILL BE TURFED OUT FASTER THAN YOU CAN ROLL DOWN YOUR JEANS.
DON'T ORDER A GRILLED CHICKEN BURGER AND TAKE THE WHOLE BURGER OUT OF THE WRAPPER AND THEN WHEN YOU BITE INTO IT THE PATTY FALLS INTO A PUDDLE.
DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER FALL IN LOVE.
DON'T GET SO ANGRY YOU THROW A BOTTLE AT A TAXI AND THE BOTTLE BOUNCES OFF IT AND HITS YOU, SPRAYING BEER AND GLASS ALL OVER YOU.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Starring the love of my life (hopefully not looking haggard this time)
I have a complicated relationship with this book in that I think it is shallow and awful yet I finished it in one sitting and cried at the end. In my defence it was 4am and I had been lying in bed reading for hours without break.
It is about a 30 year old woman who gets run over by a car. She gets to 7th heaven and is told by her guardian angel that she has to write an essay about the best 10 days of her life if she doesn't want to get demoted to fourth heaven.
The reasons why she wants to stay in 7th Heaven?
1. She gets all the latest designer wears (in fourth heaven you get designer clothes but they are from a couple seasons ago)
2. You can eat whatever you want without getting fat
3. She gets to bone her hot next door neighbour
Okay fair enough, that does sound like my kind of heaven. But still, there is something very wrong with this book.
Love from doney
Ps. Angrew, Helen and Clarke (3/4 of movie club) better be ready to go see this one.
As a renown negative Nancy I think it would be out of character for me to talk about how great my Singaporean holiday was so I’m going to let you guys know about all the bad stuff that happened
- There were no good movies on in the hotel except for Gattaca. Last time there was like, 24/7 Ben 10. Although I did enjoy watching the Asian and Middle Eastern Soap Operas and trying to figure out what was going on. There was one where there was two groups having a civilized argument in room but every now and then someone would fling a lackey band at someone’s face and there would be uproar. There was like 10 people and they seriously couldn’t figure out who was flinging the lackey.
- I went to one of those autoflush toilets and it went off while I was wiping and IT GOT ON MY HAND! I GOT WEE ON MY HAND!
- My grandma said something mean about every outfit I wore, not to mention comments about the paleness of my skin, my hair, my nails and my appetite around 20 times a day…each (“Gemma, is it ‘cool’ to be that pale? Is that hair style ‘in’ right now? Hmmmm.”)
- I wasn’t hungry at the Curry buffet at the Raffles and I only had one helping (an all-time low).
- Things I had to hear from my grandma on a daily basis
-How thin she is/ how little she weighs
-A million back-door brags “Oh you are SO good to be able to eat that much, I could NEVER fit that in”
-About how her ex-husband (my grandpa) barfed spaghetti in the bathroom around 50 years ago
-The aqua jacket/watch/handbag she just has to buy
-Her worries about whether her youngest son is eating right (he is 41 and not retarded)
-“Where’s the wine???” x 1000000
-Every meal is “too daunting” and she can’t finish it. Does she remember that she used to be fat but then she went on blood thinners, the side effects of which are hunger suppression?
-Her many delusions (she once tried to tell me I was related to Gregory Peck, which was disturbing since I want to travel back in time and bone him)
- The plane landed before I could finish watching The Watchmen. I seriously got aroused by that movie. First it was Dr Manhattan. I have an acutely dysfunctional fetish for humanoid superheroes. The Hulk! Yowzer! I saw The Hulk starring Edward Norton (a hottie by himself) on a date. I got so worked up by Hulky that I wanted to jump my date’s bones but he was having none of it. Then there’s the Beast from Beauty and the Beast mmmmm, I think I’ve mentioned this before. I’m getting Déjà vu. I’m sure there are more humanoids. Back to Dr Manhattan, maybe a reader into the comics can answer this (Sean Ramsey?), it seems like when he’s naked they are blurring out his giant blue dong, right? Because he totally has a giant blue dong, he fucked his hot girlfriend with it. GIANT BLUE DONG! But ultimately it was totally crushing on the bird guy who looks like batman. At first I thought he was a wiener, but then I was like ‘hey, I love wieners’, he’s a doughy nerd but he fights crime and is great at fighting. Oh I love him. I love him.
- When I get on a plane my skin gets really gross, mainly in the form of cruddy lips and a rash around my nose. Also you can’t bring make-up on a plane. Therefore I am NEVER going to join the mile-high club. Unless I meet a blind guy who doesn’t touch my face. I think he’ll have to be a boobs man.
- I started watching Sunshine Cleaning but couldn’t continue for two reasons (1) I was feeling pretty ill and there was some pretty grody shit in it like maggots and blood and stuff. (2) Amy Adams. To me she is a goddess. I know this might be a shocker for some people but I’m not a natural red-head. I love girls with red hair, Jenny Lewis (oooo) the girl from Le Roux (ahhhh). But Amy in this movie, not good. She is usually sew pretty but her character is supposed to be haggard and I can’t deal with the frown lines and the cleaning uniform. I can handle her as a nun but as a single mother cleaner, gross. Okay just kidding but the frown lines ewwwwww.
- I lost my shopping mojo, I hardly bought anything. I can truly say I have felt the global financial crisis now.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sometimes when you have a Daniel Powter it's kinda nice when everyone tries to cheer you up and feels sorry for you. Sometimes when you have a D.P. other people don't know and they steal your bag.
Love Clare xoxo
Saturday, July 4, 2009
- Was drunk at the airport
- Was drunk on the plane
- I laughed so hard in 17 Again that I actually cried
- I laughed so hard when a little girl had a coughing/barfing fit on the plane that I actually cried
- Came close to crying when 17 Again finished, not cuz its sad but just because it was over.
- Saw a girl wearing a shirt that said don't scare me I poop easily
- Went to a hospital themed bar called The Clinic where you sit in wheelchairs and drink cocktails out of IV bags. My mum almost got us kicked out because she was rolling around in a wheelchair pretending to be retarded.
- Had a dream I was in Gossip Girl, got really mad when my mum woke me up
I think that's pretty much it, I miss some of you guys...namely My Pet Monster.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Girls, are you kind of worried that you are not that great at going down to downtown? Never fear, Gracey is here, to tell you some secrets.
While most boys would totally profess that they in fact, want a girl that could deep throat a banana, (not one of those lunchbox sizes at Coles either, some huge monstrosity from some far away island) after lengthy research I have decided this is untrue. Guys like it when you have a shitty gag reflex because you are basically choking on their dick. This makes them feel really manly and tough and like they have a huge penis, even if they are of the Eurasian persuasian that is European on the top half, and Asian on the bottom.* Think about it. YOU ARE ALMOST VOMITING BECAUSE OF THEIR WANG. And we all know the secret of what every man wants deep down: to see a female in a little bit of discomfort.
Cosmo tells me that some boys like a finger in their butt during head because it stimulates the prostate and apparantly achieves OUT OF THIS WORLD orgasms. Cosmo also tells me that He's Just Not That Into You which is probably because you tried to stick a finger up his butt without warning. I'm going to vote this one an epic fail unless he specifically asks for it. I kind of like what Vice said about that particularly topic which is "When driving home after, keep your finger up off the steering wheel like you are saying 'hey' to all your fellow drivers."
Put 'em in your mouf.
There you go ladies. Even if you are a prude who wont stick a finger up a bum and has a shitty gag reflex, go forward and spread some love. Make sure you are getting head in return though, or else it is all for nothing.
*Every youreazn I have dated has been the total opposite.
*I fucking hate giving BJ's.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
So Coles is now paying all the GST on tampons and pads for us. Thanks guys!
Love Chronicles of Dardia xoxo