Chronicles of Dardia

More amateur art from Donut

2012-01-04T08:20:00.001-08:00

My brother's barfday card. BACK OF THE NET! SPICEWORLD! JURASSIC PARK!

Not another teen movie

A local MP (a coworker told me not to tell anyone that I draw portraits of local politicians, but he's like, way old)

I really don't think it's fair for me to be on a jury since I'm a hologram.

2012-01-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

Excuse me imperial guard, how long do these blogs usually last?

Bitches 'B' Crayzee

2011-12-13T08:39:00.001-08:00

Some Owen Pallett Covers

2011-12-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

Because I am too tired to write about gross stuff like periods.

She's a Talker

2011-11-21T22:11:00.000-08:00

Axe Gemmer

2011-11-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since someone sent me an Axe Gemmer so if you are experiencing personal problems/dilemmas/whatever DONUT IS HERE TO HELP.

axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

In related news: today I have eaten half a bag of Twisties, a turkey ham sub, 6 energy drinks, a coffee and Vegemite on crackers.

What I have been doing on the internet lately

2011-11-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's exam time so naturally I am on the Internet pretty much 24/7 eight days a week.

I was just reading this article on Cracked.com and they mentioned a dating website for people with STDs, so naturally I checked it out because they told me not to. The thing is that when you register/search singles you type in your preferred STD and you can pick chlamydia and thrush (is thrush even an STD?). Why are people living with chlamydia and thrush? Aren't they are totally treatable? Maybe it is for Christian scientists or whoever those weirdos are who don't believe in medication (the extent of my knowledge in this area is that episode of Curb where Richard Lewis dates a Christian scientist with a nut allergy).

I can't see who is actually living with these conditions without creating a profile and knowing my terrible luck with these types of situations, it would almost definitely come back to haunt me so we will just have to speculate.

If you know me well it is likely that you have heard me mention once or twice that you shouldn't buy coffee from Gloria Jeans because some of its profits go to anti-abortion propaganda and indoctrination. Today I decided to do some research to make sure I hadn't just pulled this one out of a asshole and as it turns out that I was right; the owners of Gloria Jeans in Australia are members of Hillsong church and used to sponsor a Hillsong initiative called Mercy Ministries. It dealt with (among other things) women with unwanted pregnancies and homosexuals. They claimed that the services were free and offered support from psychologists, dietitians, general practitioners and counsellors, when in reality they were forced to sign over their centrelink benefits and were only offered counselling from bible students. The program was also obsessed with homosexuality, grouping it with witchcraft and drug abuse, also they allegedly practiced exorcism. All Gloria Jeans stores had to be outfitted with donation boxes for Hillsong even though the church banked $40 million in 2004. So yeah, fuck that shit.

If you don't care about Gloria Jeans role in taking advantage of vulnerable women you still should probably avoid at least some of the menu, including the Mocha Chiller Coco Loco as it contains 95.5g of sugar (106% of an adult's recommended daily intake).

I have half-heartedly (because I don't entirely understand how U.S. election process works) been following the republican candidates for U.S. presidency

This tumblr about the ridiculous sexual deviant Herman Cain is pretty spot on.

"Hey, remember that time Herman Cain was asked what he thought of the PATRIOT Act, and nailed it with this response: “I think that the PATRIOT Act is about 90 percent right on. I can’t delineate to you exactly what I would want to change, but here again I would rather error on the side of caution and protection, rather than worry about that ten percent that I might have a problem with”? That was really out there!"

And this SNL spoof of a future GOP debate is fairly amazing also (thanks Laura!)

If you haven't read this Hyperbole and a Half post then you should probably do that right now. I have probably read it about 30 times.

I have read all of Clients From Hell, what a wild ride.

This is one of my favourite tumblrs at the moments.

"When a mayor says that he wants to “Clean up the city” he really means that your body is a wonderland because you’re actually listening to a John Mayer song, not a mayoral speech."

My Fucking Stalker

2011-11-08T05:06:00.000-08:00

Before I start this I am going to warn you that this is not a very funny blog post but it will be useful as a forerunner for any posts covering related future events. I could also prove useful as evidence for the police if I am murdered or assaulted.

For someone who rarely leaves her apartment I get myself into a lot of bullshit situations and this is possibly one of the worst. Although I technically didn't get myself into it, unless its karma then I'm sure I have done something to warrant this.

This all started about two months ago when I went to go ask a customer if she needed any help only to find that she was not shopping but checking out her ass in the mirror. When she saw me staring at her she rapidly explained that a guy had just told her that she had a fat ass and she was checking to make sure that she didn't. When I say she said this rapidly I mean that she sounded like someone who was on crack or speed (are they the same thing?). I told her that her ass wasn't fat and that she shouldn't worry, she went on to tell me that guys treat her like crap. It was a surreal experience, she was definitely on crack/mental. Mid sentence she broke off and said "thanks a lot" and walked away.

Since then I see her all the time, mostly at my work. She comes into my work (I work in a department store) and mills around my section EVERY DAY. She also stares at me a lot. I also see her all over the city, I even helped her carry cat food to the counter of a convenience store at her request.

At first I thought it was a run-of-the-mill stalker situation, like maybe she had seen me at a gay bar or something and had a big ol' lesbian crush on me. But that would have been too simple and nothing is ever simple in the land of donut.

So she came into my work yesterday and asked to put something on hold saying that she would definitely come back and get it. After she left I told my assistant manager that I think she is stalking me on account of me seeing her everywhere that I am. And the staring. And the crazy chats we have had. She came back in today to pick up what she had on hold (I was not there) and proceeded to have an insane conversation with someone working at a neighbouring counter about how she believes someone who works in my section is having an affair with her boyfriend. That's why she is always there.

I know what you are thinking, how do I know she is talking about me? There ARE a couple other girls working in my section but one looks about 16 years old (sorry Alex) and the stalker lady is about 30, it COULD be the other girl but she talks about her boyfriend a lot. Based on the fact that I am the only one who has noticed her in my vicinity a lot and staring at me I am 70-80 percent sure that she thinks it is me. Unless her boyfriend has a vagina it is definitely not me. Actually even if that is the case it isn't me.

Is she going to murder me? Does she already know where I live? I already have to keep a knife by my door after telling a dude who recognised me from my apartment complex what number apartment I live in AND that I live alone (I was tired and distracted by my sudoku puzzle). I have devised a couple plans of attack to try to resolve the situation.

1) Go up to her and say "hey I see you around here a lot, do you live in the city?" in an attempt to get a confession about her/make her realise that I am ON TO HER

2)Every time I notice her in my vicinity talk loudly about how much I like vaginas and boobs

Not sure which one I am going to choose, might just play it by ear.

If anything else happens I'll let you guys know.

Yeah Facebook, you got me all figured out.

2011-11-02T07:45:00.001-07:00

Famous People I Have Met

2011-10-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

In 1999 I went to a Telethon party at Challenge Stadium and met some pretty famous aussie celebs (I was 12). Other famous people I have met have resulted from me being generally influential.

(1) Sister2Sister

This was Australia's answer to Tegan and Sara (except they weren't gay and I think Tegan and Sara came after Sister2Sister). They were really nice to me as I was being crushed in the line to get their autograph (not kidding).

(2) Ryan Kwanten

This was before True Blood, when he was just Vinnie from Summer Bay (jailed for fraud). I kept a signed picture of him in my school desk until 2001 when I realised that life was too short to like biffs (9/11 never forget). When I was 14 I had a crush on a guy called Vinnie and when he called, instead of saying "Gemmer, Vinnie is on the phone" my brother would yell "VINNIE PATTERSON, IN JAIL FOR FRAUD."*

(3) Shelley Craft

You may recognise her from Australia's Funniest Home Videos (now known as 'YouTube'), but back in the "rad" 90s she was a host on Saturday Morning Disney. I plum did not like her so I challenged her to a duel in an inflatable gladiator ring. I was 12 and I BEAT HER ASS. Ruthlessly. AND I was wearing a pair of skants (skirt-pants).

I could not find a photo of the kind of skants I was wearing so I drew a picture.

RAWR

(4) Bright Eyes

When Clarke and I were in high school we were in love with Conor Oberst, so when they announced that they were supporting REM's Australian tour we jumped at the chance to ask our parents to buy us tickets. Then tragedy struck...they announced a solo show. We considered scalping our tickets but we were 17 and didn't know how to be shady. In the end we went to both shows. At the REM concert we got bored and decided to dance in the foyer where we were picked up by the Bright Eyes' seedy manager (because Clarke looked like a pedophile's wet dream). He took us backstage where I was nervous and as a result got increasingly drunk.

All I remember is Conor Oberst being incredibly high and listening to French Hip Hop, spying on him while he did a wee and trying to force feed him Passion Pop on the basis that it was an Australian tradition. I also jumped up and down on the creepy manager's hotel bed followed by a cheeky vom in his toilet. Then I ate a rotten apple from the hotel lobby's fruit bowl. Then Clarke and Lucy took all the money out of my wallet and dumped me at the Subiaco train station. Oh and Mike Mogis was really nice.

I no longer love the band Bright Eyes.

(5) John Safran

This was a really big deal for me because when I was 15 my parents used to go out on Mondays and I would watch John Safran's Music Jamboree, Life Support, Queer as Folk, and then Oz (all four shows had a direct impact on how I turned out). The dream ended when my brother walked in on me watching Oz, thought it was gay porn and banned me from my Monday night viewing/mazzfest. John Safran said he liked my shoes and tried to bang my friend Beck.

(6) One of the two dudes from Yo La Tengo

I was pretty drunk. I bought a shirt off him.

Oh and I saw that stupid blonde kid from X Factor at the CBD bar last week, he has a weird tan. AND the Introvert-Extrovert guy applied for a job at my work but he was weird and nobody wanted to hire him. He came in about 7 times for an update on his job application which at the time I thought was awkward, but in the end it didn't matter.

When I was 18 I worked at an IGA and one of my regulars looked really familiar so I assumed he was famous. Turned out that he just looked heaps like MacGyver.

THE END

*Because Ryan Kwanten's character Vinnie (Home and Away 1987-present) was jailed for fraud and then the prison he was in caught fire and he DIED)

THE GO BETWEEN

2011-10-16T02:53:00.000-07:00

cant wait to be done with school! only 4 weeks to go. the smell of summer (sunscreen, hot chips and vaguely coconut) is in the air. looking forward to being a member of the human race again (social interaction, leaving the house, possible employment, sangria)

Donut Art

2011-10-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

I made this for my friend Alex for her birthday.

Still at uni after all these beers.

2011-10-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes at school I will spend the entire class drawing a creepy picture so that the people sitting next to me will not be tempted to strike up a conversation. This plan backfires when I have to do a group discussion with them or if I am sitting next to a goth.

Sloth Fratelli Wants a Wife

2011-09-26T06:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I watch Farmer Wants a Wife with my mum and tonight my brother pointed out that Farmer Will looks like Sloth Fratelli from The Goonies.

HAH

2011-09-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

"its like... i want to break through the hymen of my boredness"

Holes

2011-09-16T12:30:00.001-07:00

This is a Tumblr favourite of mine, sometimes he can be a little lame but he is young so I forgive him. In blog related news I have stalked two of my most hated Perth bloggers; one via twitter and the other by going to her work and pretending to shop.

In case you can't read it it says:

"on your profile it said you like that book Catcher in the Rye! i haven't seen it at Urban Outfitters in a while, but I did get a shirt from there last month! i haven't taken it off since! anyways, my favorite part in the J.G. Wentworth book is when Stanley Yelnats and Zero find the jar of peaches that Kissin Kate left behind in the old west (yeehaw!) and they eat them! those had to be months old, maybe years! what a couple of crazy kooks! Have you ever seen the movie "Troll 2"?"

(He is describing the plot of Holes by Louis Sachar)

I have rocket legs

Girls who think they look like Nicki Minaj

2011-09-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

Girls I found on the internet who think they look like R'n'B(?)* star Nicki Minaj

*I'm assuming she is an R'n'B star, I have never actually heard any of her songs.

Seinfeld! Every day! Forever!

2011-09-14T06:33:00.001-07:00

George: What is Holland?
Jerry (also wearing a moustache): What do you mean, ‘what is it?’ It’s a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that’s the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland *is* the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?
Jerry (picking at his moustache): You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.
Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.
George: Well why didn’t we?
Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That’s what you said.
George: What if we grew muttonchops?
Jerry: No.
George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I’m sorry, you’ve gotta get a job.
George(resigned): Dammit

http://dailyseinfeld.tumblr.com/

AH MAH GAWD

2011-08-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

Jack White produced an Insane Clown Posse single.

Listen to this song. Now.

Oh hai Julia!

2011-08-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago all my political dreams came true when I got to photobomb a picture with Julia Gillard. I didn't actually mean to but everything worked out for the best.

Aww yep

2011-08-16T03:36:00.000-07:00

Many of you may remember me as an important real-life photographer. I would just like to share with you my latest roll of real life film photographs of my own thumb.

How did both my thumb and me get in this photo? Photoshop, duh.

Look out for one of my pieces in Hungry Jack's upstairs dining in the city.

Kind regards,

Clarke xoxox

Dog Wars

2011-08-15T08:41:00.001-07:00

My happy place.

Yetta Rosenberg

2011-08-15T08:01:00.001-07:00

I am buying a scanner this week so everyone can truly experience my art.

FUNdraising Idea

2011-08-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

I eat everything in my fridge, freezer and pantry. Sponsors pay nominated fee per item. No item is off bounds (olive oil, wasabi, soy sauce etc).

FREE PALESTINE.

Hungover thought of the month

2011-08-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Are cigarettes vegan?"

I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.

2011-08-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

GOT YR TWEETS

2011-07-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

I can't express how much I love this guy.

Follow him here

Futurama

2011-06-28T08:08:00.001-07:00

Me in 20 years

Me in 20 years if I decide to shed my good girl image and do heaps of drugs.

Oh cool, I can't wait to not read this

2011-06-13T03:45:00.000-07:00

Haiiii Clare I made you a baybee

2011-06-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Clare and Ryan, what a beautiful baby girl(?).

Also I had a baby with the most perfect person in the world(me). I'm so...happy!

I think I'll name her Junior.

Your Mouth Can't Get Pregnant???

2011-06-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

Adorable Little Buffalo Betty! Hope she's not going to be a porker!

Little baby Bookcase!

Sweet little Immaculate. Hopefully when he starts to talk he can teach his father to speak english.

Lesbian Yellow Sour Fruit, you are the apple of both your mother's eyes!

Innocent baby Schmohog, I will cherish you forever!

Yahooooooooooooooooo

2011-06-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

Gemmer's Guide To Studying

2011-06-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

Its exam week and I have been studying like a damn near Asian for the past month. It would be selfish of me to not pass on my tips for success in this area

1) If you have been studying for 13 hours straight and have to get up in three hours to go to work then I suggest drinking a litre of water before bed. If your alarm doesn't rouse you then the warm spread of urine over your legs hopefully will

2) Ignore the huge cavity in the bottom-left row of your teeth until exams are over. Chew all mentos with right rows of teeth (Note: take a minute to text your mother asking her to make sure you are covered by your family's private health insurance)

3) Keep in mind that it is entirely possible that you have gotten used to smelling like shit, try to shower once a day

4) don't eat, it makes you sleepy. It is scientifically proven by me that a person can subsist on chicken wings and Red Bull for three weeks

5) give all your shifts at work away to someone else, Red Bull and chicken wings are not too expensive.

6) Take a backpack when visiting your parents. You can distract them with a funny youtube video while you steal all their milk, coffee, red meat and fruit. If they call you later to ask if you stole it just yell "DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING JUNKIE?" down the phone. After living off Red Bull and chicken you probably will look like a junkie but the situation should be sufficiently diffused.

7) Keep in mind that if you stay awake for 24 hours then you will probably accidentally sleep for 22 hours and miss Angry Boys.

8) The cystic acne you develop from stress and poor nutrition will scar if you pick at it. I recommend using a Proactiv face mask.

9) Milo made by boiling milk on the stove is amazing. There is even a milo that can make you smarter!

10) Make sure you keep your eye on the prize, namely being able to eat an entire family pizza while watching all three Jurassic Park films after exams

11) Keep positive, when somebody asks you how study is going just say "really great" instead of "I'M FUCKING FUCKED I'M THINKING ABOUT FAKING MY OWN DEATH AND DEVELOPING A CRACK ADDICTION"

12) Blogs created by teenagers are like crack, avoid them at all costs

13) If you decide to give yourself a break don't smoke kronic (legal weed?), you will go deaf for three hours, everything you say will be ridiculous and you will pray for a coma

14) Don't spend 10 minutes trying to sign into your blog and then a further 15 minutes writing a stupid fucking guide for something that you are obviously shit at. This is valuable time that could be spent reading about the wonders of government reform and making yourself mildly less fucked

I looked into your eyes and my world came tumbling down

2011-06-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

Today I was fitting in a bit of study before work at a hip Northbridge cafe when the girl sitting across from me (about half a metre away) started singing at me, as in looking at me and singing quite loudly. I gave her the world's filthiest look that effectively portrayed "disgusted" and "are you fucking serious?" and kept on studying.

Later as I was walking to work I was trying to figure out what song she was singing.

It was 'Beautiful Stranger' by Madonna.

Ohhhhhh kaaaaaaay.

SOMETHING

2011-05-25T04:31:00.000-07:00

heres some stuff i was working on over this semester. i should really stop being lazy and actually scan drawings instead of taking pictures where you can see my shadow/out of focus/see pen marks.. but that would require effort and currently all of my effort is going towards doing homework and restraining myself from having more than 1 shower a day.

Mi Frend Igur

2011-05-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

I met Igor when I was 18 (6 years ago) but we have only been proper friends for two years because before that he was fat and had a bob, now we work together. When he was a child he escaped his third world homeland of Bosnia and jumped into Australia's multicultural melting pot.

When I got into work today I was in the shittiest mood, having had only three hours sleep after studying for 20 hours straight. However, all these bad feeling melted away when Igor presented me with an exercise book filled with his 12 year-old attempts at learning English as a second language.

This is his journey...

Whatever you do, don't swallow the fucking chocolate

This kind of reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Lisa organises Moe's retarded scrawling into poetry and he becomes a literary sensation.

Ah yes the short-lived distribution of Herbal Essences Shampoon collection, 1996 was a different time.

Also "I comb my hair with a comr"?? You've got to be shitting me, the answer was RIGHT THERE.

Great effort indeed, F fucking minus Igor.

In Bosnia local caretaker is horse.

Igor has sadly made little progress since 1996. At least he knows how to milk a yak and make a mean rock soup.

Indie Boobs

2011-05-22T07:14:00.001-07:00

Gemmer's Playlist for Driving a One-Night-Stand Home

2011-05-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

I love you; I honestly love you- Olivia Newton-John

Sing along for the first verse then stop for the chorus, look at them with big wet eyes and say in a whisper “I’m so glad I met you…”

Versatile- Pansy Division

(I couldn't find Versatile on youtube so Homo Christmas will have to do)

This is a queercore song about guys who can be both tops AND bottoms, so obviously talk shamelessly about when the portion of the night where he tried to have anal sex with you.

It must be love- Ricky Lee Jones

(I'm writing this blog at uni without headphones so this might not be the right song)

Look out the window poignantly during this song so much so that you almost have an accident (your one night stand should feel the need to grab the wheel)

Mad World- Gary Jules

“Isn’t it just?” then I dunno, go into a detailed misinterpretation of the movie Donnie Darko.

One More Hour- Sleater Kinney

“So how many other girls are you doing this with? Oh (hahahahah) don’t worry I’ll look at Facebook”

Anything by- Sufjan Stevens

Talk about god and how much you hate abortions and all forms of birth control

Fifteen- Taylor swift

“This song is about losing your v card, when did you lose yours? I most mine to uncle Lesley, don’t worry, he’s not really my uncle”

Call It Off- Tegan and Sara

This should be playing as he leaves the car, yell out “don’t call me”

PINK FLAMINGOS

2011-05-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

john waters, a-maz-ing.

JESUS DOSNT WANT ME FOR A SUNBEAM

2011-05-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

i constantly have to wash my bedding because....

A. I GET FOOD STAINS ON IT ALOT. the luxury of eating in bed and the risks involved. most of the food i eat in bed is $2.40 footsgay rolls. they mostly just contribute crusty bread. ice cream and salads are the worst but usually not at the same time.

Weekend at Binnie's

2011-05-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

Q. What would you do if you were swimming at the beach and Osama bin Laden's body floated by?

A. You would Weekend at Bernie's that shit, obviously

The FBI Top 10 Most Wanted Terrorists in Order of Sexual Attractiveness

2011-05-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

10. Ayman al-Zawahiri

The founder of the Egyptian Islamic Jihad (EIJ) is just not doing it for me. Extra points for being a doctor and kind of looking like David Cross in this picture:

9. Jamal Ahmed Mohammad Ali Al-Badawi

Ewwww look how oily his skin is, I don't think he would smell good. Bonus points for escaping custody twice, that's badass.

8. Fahd Mohammed Ahmed Al-Quso

Kinda hot but what's with that beard?? It reminds me of hippies and hippies are gross; no deal buddy. Extra points for managing to evade capture for 11 years with a prosthetic leg.

7. Osama bin Laden

He's a total babe, look at those gentle eyes! But let's face it, he's not getting any hotter at the bottom of the ocean. I need a dead boyfriend like I need a hole in the head (see what I did there?).

6. Hassan Azz-Al-Din

You can't properly tell what he looks like from this picture but I'm getting a vibe off him and it's vaguely sexual.

5. Mohammed Ali Hammadi

Look at those full lips and those EYEBROWS! Bonus points for looking like Borat when he was younger.

4. Ali Atwa

Again you can't really tell what he looks like from this photo but he kind of looks like an indie nerd; imagine him sitting outside Amps, wearing rolled up jeans and a pair of vans...smoking a cig. I.JUST.CAME.

3. Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah

Bit of a weird hairline but MY DEAR LORD look at that mo. Bonus points for being a former professional soccer player in Egypt, I enjoy a man with strong legs.

2. Daniel Andreas San Diego

I gave this guy the number two position before realised that he is a straight edge vegan (gross) so lets just focus on that angular face and big nose. Bonus points for bombing a company for killing puppies. I love puppies.

1. Adam Yahiye Gadahn

Those rosy cheeks, big eyes, thick hair and Californian tan make me want to rip his clothes off AND MAKE HIS LIFE HELL. A million bonus points for being in a one man death metal band called Aphasia in 1993. He doesn't look too hot in what I assume is the picture he uses on World of Warcraft message boards

But whatever, still number one.

oH nO yOu DiDn'T

2011-04-30T08:25:00.001-07:00

The people who comment on a certain Perth based fashion-blog-style Facebook page

Aaaaand this about sums it up

FAIL

2011-04-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

FAIL: This spam doesn't even ask me for money! You can't buy the necessities of life with advice dummy!

BA-BOOM

2011-04-23T07:16:00.001-07:00

FEELINGS!!

2011-04-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

-salmon solids for $10 from butcher shop.
-chris' new house is so freaking awesome. i am planning his housewarming.
-mixtapes with obscure themes. "before you were four."
-the manor. the manor. the manor.
-wine. wine. wine.
-champagne. champagne. champagne.
-dancing the charleston.
-new shoes, got the new shoe shine.
-i adore fiona apple.
-impending nuptials in april. busy planning. i've planned the menu before figuring out where to have it.
-the person i speak to the most at the moment apart from my boy is someone who is interstate. go figure. 2 hours a day on the phone.
-flights are all booked for melbourne.
-i've put on 10kg which my dad calls "contentment" fat. plan to lose it before christmas.
-got fired, am now a temp on over double the money. been offered a job with slightly less pay but i might take it because they want to commit to me for a year.
-incentive to get my license - lesley and derrick say that if i do then i can drive the silvia in the garage.

LET'S GET MARRIED

2011-04-21T09:03:00.001-07:00

“In the fifth grade I was arrested from school and suspended for a week cause I made blueprints and plans and went through the classrooms stealing all the Goosebumps books.”
— Tyler, the Creator

That's not a thing

2011-04-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

If this were true then there would be a 10 foot snow wall surrounding the court tonight.

A few things

2011-04-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

Firstly,

Is this real? Can you get dogs this big????????????

Secondly,

Why is Tina Fey so awesome? I'm about halfway through Bossy Pants. Would have finished it if it wasn't for stoopid school.

Finally,

I love you too?

I have been obsessively reading a terrible blog for the past 4 days only to find out that the girl who makes it is 13. I should have guessed since all the pictures are either cum-shot gifs, dismembered bodies, asian girls with cum all over their face, a cutter's wrist/legs or Conor Oberst. I'm so glad I never figured out livejournal when I was in high school.

ANNNND just for good measure:

Noted.

Passive-Aggressiveness

2011-04-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

Is the new black. Go forth and write those notes, take your cleaning products out of the kitchen, move the toaster into your room. And steam.

Fashspiration

2011-04-18T05:44:00.000-07:00

One day I tweeted "whenever I get sad I just look at my pictures folder called "the internet". It's really true!

(I used to work with this girl)

We're all in this together!

2011-04-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

I keep wondering what else I can do to reduce my carbon footprint; I hardly shower, I recycle all my lean cuisine and pizza boxes and I drive REALLY FAST to uni. But there must be more!

Then I thought of it! The perfect way to do my part in the quest for global cooling, and it's so easy that you can do it too!

If a 4WD tries to merge in front of you DON'T LET THEM
If you are about to leave a parking spot and you notice a 4WD waiting to take it next DON'T LET THEM. Just put on some obnoxious music really loud and wait until they get frustrated and give up
If you notice a 4WD on the street get in front of them and drive 10km below the speed limit, make it impossible to overtake you

You're next Joyce!

If we all do our part to make four-wheel-driving super annoying then people won't want to do it any more and we can say goodbye to these ridiculous long summers!

Note: don't do it to 4WDs that have dirt on them cuz off-roading is DOPE

Internet Hotties

2011-04-17T06:17:00.001-07:00

Dad! Stop using my webcam!

Lutz is awesome

2011-04-13T04:55:00.001-07:00

Holy crap! He is married to Sue from 30 Rock (in real life). American comedy writers are like penguins, they mate for life.

SORRY SETH

2011-04-13T04:47:00.001-07:00

TEVS

2011-04-08T08:49:00.000-07:00

LISTERINE

2011-04-08T06:35:00.001-07:00

getting stuff done.

Axe Da COD

2011-04-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of studying(what the hull is "collective accountability"??) so send me some questions and I shall answer them! At the moment I feel like I am an expert on

Dropping a dress size from stress and then regaining dress size times two via chicken sandwiches
Facebook stalking (it gives me catholic guilt stomach!)
The internet in general, except I don't know how to download music or movies, or make gifs, or put gifs on this blog. Also I think I deleted my antivirus software.
Middle Eastern conflict
Making fun of fashion blogs
Being an absentee wingman
Breaking beds by jumping on them
Building Ikea beds
Getting Indian people to follow me on Twitter
Quickly changing from Taylor Swift to Neutral Milk Hotel when I realise I am driving through Mt Lawley
everything ever

Send your questions to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com, I can help you by sorting out your crappy lives and you can help me by sending me an email that isn't from Dominos, Gorman or the Apple store (why are they recommending me KD Lang?).

Ps. If you aren't following me on Twitter then I don't know what you are doing.

I miss you Nina!

2011-03-31T23:06:00.001-07:00

IMPORTANT THINGS

2011-03-21T01:07:00.001-07:00

BOYS KEEP SWINGING

2011-03-18T02:53:00.000-07:00

stuff ive been doing lately (for school). furthering my brain etc.

Barfday

2011-03-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

It is my 24th barfday in a couple weeks and I FINALLY know what I want to do! The idea came to me when my boss told me this story:

His friend (or cousin?) went to a party (or rave?) where there was a kissing booth. She noticed that the guy offering kissies was a raging hottie so she plucked up some courage and finally went to collect her "prize". When she got there however there was a new guy, her hottie was nowhere to be found! She was very distraught until she saw him standing across the room, dude was off duty! She excitedly ran up to him and rambled something like "I SAW YOU AT THE BOOTH AND I WENT TO GET A KISS BUT YOU WERE GONE!" to which he replied "Well, I do freelance work..."

And they made out allll niiiight loooong.

(Photo by: someone famous (probably from Brooklyn))

So basically what I want to do is set up a kissie booth where all my friends line up, gift me a present and then plant one on me. "Tongue or no tongue?" I hear you say...SURPRISE ME!

Failing that, we can just do this

SEXY KITS

2011-03-12T23:50:00.001-08:00

these are my thermal pyjamas. usually they have food stains on them because, seeing as i barely leave the house once i get home, i tend to spend alot of time in them (even meal time).

i brought them from an opshop in perth, in anticipation of my move to a city that isnt perth and therefore has cold wind and shit. a local told me a story about how, one sunny day, they went to the beach, but by the time they got there it was freezing and raining so they didnt even bother going in the water (half stepper). thats how far away the large bodys of water are from me. AGES.

the pants are definitely a classic.

it really gets me going to think about the other derranged freaks who have probably jerked off in them, using the "fap hole" for convenience.

For Clarke who loves N. Cage

2011-03-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

Nicolas Cage as everyone.

A collection of racist funnies on the internet

2011-03-10T07:51:00.001-08:00

I just realised that I have been stockpiling racist pics from the Internet. Whoops.

Hey it is my barfday in 3 weeks

2011-03-09T23:37:00.000-08:00

WANTED

2011-03-08T02:54:00.000-08:00

WANTED: FRIEND/S.

MUST BE ABLE TO PUT UP WITH BEING BURNT ON THE REGS. MUST THINK ITS FUNNY WHEN I SCREAM 'YOU JUST GOT BONED BITCH' AND PRETEND SHOOT THEM WITH MY HAND WHEN THEY SAY SOMETHING STUPID.

MUST SHARE INTERESTS IN ACCEPTABLE VISION RELATED ACTIVITIES IE. ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA or EAST BOUND AND DOWN or SUPERJAIL.

MUST HARBOUR EROTIC FEELINGS FOR FLAVOURED MILK BEVERAGES.

MUST KNOW "WHATS UP" AND NOT BE A NEGATIVE NANCYE/DRAMA DREW/DEBBIE DOWNER.

MUST HAVE TASTE BUDS THAT CRAVE TO BE CARESSED BY THE AWESOMEST FOODS AVAILABLE. SOMETIMES CHEAP, SOMETIMES NOT.

MUST KNOW MANY IMPORTANT BOOK/FILM THINGS SO I MAY ABSORB KNOWLEDGE LIKE ONLY THE CUTEST SPONGE.

MUST BE DTF (DOWN TO FUN PEOPLE)

hey everyone,

whats up?

MISSIN JEW GUISE SHALLOT.

CAPE FEAR

2011-03-08T02:15:00.000-08:00

fear is a funny thing. irrational fear is even more so.

one of the first irrational fears i recollect as a "young adult"- post bald eagle adolescent days, was, i feel, partly gemma and clares fault. mostly gemma's though cause she is the absolute QUEEN or irrational fears, pipe dreams etc.

anyways it began in a small bathroom located in g&c's old place on the corner of william and walcott. on the wall was a "dont push to thard" tag or something similar.

on the floor was a "vice guide to everything" or whatevs. i promptly skipped through the "do's and donut's" and "how to give a bj" sections, clearly already well equipped with the skills of clothes and gobbies i ventured further... intoo a section that must have been called "rectum recollections".

the section was all about people who, on purposely shelved everyday objects, wether it be a shampoo bottle, sauce dispenser or transparent dildo. all up the butt.

straight up, no half stepping. some of the people ended up in hospital because, you know - your not really sposd to put THAT much hard plastic in there. its a place of outputs, not a recycling bin!

so the peeps who ended up in hospital always said something like "i fell on it" and the doctors are all "why does the sauce bottle have a condom on it then, HEY HEY?"

in steps my irrational fear.. "so what if i slipped in the shower and something DID indeed go up my butt, and then they donut believe me?? and what if it was the taps?? man you'd really have to slip on an angle.. it would have to be SURGICALLY REMOVED!!! and then theyd think id been having a tap fap. AHHH.. etc."

i used to think about this 95% of the time i was showering, and for someone who showers 2/3 times daily ITS KIND OF ALOT.

enter 2011. new state, new shower. NEW FEARS. but this time nothing to do with the shower.

most mornings i wake at 5:45 am, leave the house by 7am, catch a train to flinders and then wait there for up to 25minutes for another 20 minute train ride. wooo. relevance? well for that period of time im waiting at the train station im usually in a 1 coffee state. ie. medically dead. so there is no way im standing for up to 25 minutes.. so i sit on a step that has a sign "PLEASE DO NOT SIT ON THE STEP, THIS IS NOT LOST PROPERTY" all i think about in this time is:

A. when my next coffee fix will be

B. if sitting on this step will give me hemroids

C. if i have hemroids will they be affected by coffee

D. will it be less satisfying to take a dump if half my ass is falling out

E. do hippies believe hemroids are the "nodes" of the anus

F. would freud say i had some toilet troubles when i was a baby seeing as all of my fears are related to the destruction of my ass?

Laura C.

2011-02-28T09:10:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot about these pics! This real life drunk timeline is from a couple years ago when Laura and I used to be chatroom moderators.

Stage one

Stage two

Stage three

She will probably ask me to delete this since she is going to be a big city lawyer some day.

Yahoo Answers

2011-02-28T07:55:00.000-08:00

Today I posted my first ever question on Yahoo Answers. I was expecting real advice (that's what its for, right?). Instead I mostly got judged by some internet losers who call eachother by their first names even though they have never met, and probably the closest they get to eachother is when their avatars on Second Life says "hai" to eachother before flying off to play guitar (everything I know about Second Life is from the American Office).

Here was my question:

How do I convince my little sister that I am secretly her mother?

I want to play an elaborate joke on my sister. We are ten years apart and I would have had to be ten years when I "had" her however she is not very smart. She also refused to take part in the sex ed classes offered at her school due it freaking her out too much, so her knowledge of the female reproductive system in limited.

I once convinced her that the island we were staying on in Singapore had dinosaurs on it so this shouldn't be too hard.

Please advise.

Here were my replies:

Jade Marie: ermm personally, i wouldn't play a practical joke like that because she might not ever trust you again because that is rather serious.

My response: Newsflash bitch: she doesn't trust me, that ship has sailed my friend. I have called her pretending to be a boy she likes, I have hijacked her facebook status to say she has pooped her pants. DEAL.

Galichealer: I agree with Jade you should not do that to your sister. She may be traumatized by what you want to tell.her. It is kind of cruel of you to even think of doing that to her.Your her older sister by 10 years you should be more mature and try to be a good example to her. You should not be mean to her.

My response: Your questions and answers are set to private making it hard for me to make fun of you. Well played.

Jean: Wouldn't it be better to do something for your little sister that helps her to respect and love you. You could actually be the person she looks up to. How smart is it to play jokes of this kind on her?

My response: She has known me for 13 years, I am beyond gaining her respect and love. Also, I think it is very smart to play an elaborate trick like this, it shows innovation, initiative and creativy.

Myzygo2: LOL .......
Cool.
That should freak her out. Family and friends should get a good laugh.
Have fun.

My response: Not really an answer but thanks for the support buddy!

Rachelle anne Zamori: Okay, she's gullible but she's onto you. She knows that you saying incredibly outlandish things stands a chance of not being true, so we'll take a two-pronged approach:
-Understate the case
-Hit her with overwhelming and emotionally shocking evidence.

Understatement is the easy part. I'm guessing that slipping the topic into a conversation will be easy for you, say, by talking about menstrual pains and then following it with 'well, at least it's nothing compared to forcing your head between my flaps'.

Secondly, you need the evidence. You'll need doctored photos of you pregnant, in labour, and holding her as a baby (you'll have to find some pictures of you at age ten) and a forged birth certificate. You'll need a middle-aged man who can wear a stethoscope and fake being a doctor. You'll probably have to fake a few shameful news articles culminating in your formerly-religious parents running from the town and setting up a new life somewhere else.

And, of course, you have to fake deep-seated emotional and relationship issues going back a decade. You'll do just fine.

My response: FINALLY someone using yahoo answers right and giving an honest answer to an honest question. Although the "you'll do just fine" at the end suggests it could possibly be a burn. TEVS, going to use her advice anyway. I think she is a porn star so she can't judge me.

So yeah, Yahoo Answers is a LOAD.

Axe Gemmer

2011-02-28T06:47:00.000-08:00

Dear COD,

I am a young man living in Northbridge. I can tie my own shoes and can sing all of Westside Story from memory

Why am i so lonely? Is my lack of self-esteem? I would understand if that is the case because I am pretty shit, and i do apologise for it.

Tell me how to find "the one". And by that i mean anyone that doesn't end up being physically abusive over six years. Note: Totally good at putting up with crazy.

Much love
-Sleepless in Seattle (due to sexual frustration)

Dear Sleepless in Seattle,

Firstly, can I just say that -whatever the opposite of loneliness is- is OVERRATED. The middle of my bed now has a ditch in it from sleeping alone and it is comfortable, like a nest, I call it my lonely-lady-slump (the other day I found honest-to-goodness CHIPS in it, they were delicious). Also, I have a uni friend over every Tuesday and so today I had to clean my apartment! It was horrible. Today I ate...

a bowl of special k
2 poptarts
2 hashbrowns
1 you'll love Coles lasagne (that had been completely defrosted and then refrozen)
5 slices of Jarlsberg cheese

...and I didn't have to share any of it. I think you get the picture.

So anyway, I think you need to get out of your comfort zones. For instance I am (as I write this) setting up an Eharmony account. From what I gather Eharmony is a more romantic, less sleazy version of adultmatchmaker. On that note, don't discount adultmatchmaker; I have had some fun on that site. I only deleted it because my then bf was getting upset, Clare accused me of doing it for the self-esteem boost (a model wanted to have sex with me) and because people kept messaging me saying things like "I drove past UWA today and thought of you" and "homg I live in Dalkeith, you should come over"

Another way to get out of your comfort zone is to go to clubs that you wouldn't usually go to. I went to Club Bayview on Thursday for the first time in 5 years and some thick necked date rapists were giving me the eye (guys I wouldn't usually go for) but hey, try anything once right? I used to hate olives and now I eat them like they're bedchips. I am seriously considering going to clubba all the time, they played Kesha!

You could also try faking confidence; bitches can smell fear on a dude. I spend a lot of my time pretending that I don't need to wear glasses, even when DRIVING because they're dorky. I was considering doing the whole she's-all-that thing, you know, wear glasses and baggy clothes for a year and then BAM take them off and have everyone fall in love with me. But that's a year of my life GONE.
Finally, “the one” is a crock of shit. Look at Brad Pitt, he thought Jen Aniston was “the one” but he was wrong. WE WERE ALL WRONG.

So in conclusion, I don't really know why you are asking me about combating loneliness, in the words of Jack Donaghy: I am the Picasso of loneliness. I could understand if you had emailed me about dealing with and settling in with your loneliness like it’s an invisible cat, I have been doing it for two years now (in March 2012 I get my degree, just before the world ENDS).

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful to you.

Regards,

Doney.

If you have any questions for Axe Gemmer you can send them to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

Tom Marvolo Kibble found a home!

2011-02-21T06:48:00.000-08:00

STOP WORRYING.

I am kind of annoyed that this lady is getting all these props for adopting this cat, I would have TOTALLY adopted this cat but I live in Australia and can't afford the shipping of a text book I need for class let alone a cat. I would make a great cat lady; I live alone and have a non-existent sense of smell due to the myriad of smells in my apartment (confusing me at every turn).

Blink One Eight Spew

2011-02-13T20:22:00.001-08:00

Who knew there were so many Tom Delonge fans out there?

tom delonge

104

vaginoplasty

warwick capper

creed the office

sucking cock

vaginoplasty photos

big fat granny

creed from the office

creed office

elvis presley - king creole

Gemmer, can you please make a photochop of Tom Delonge gaping at Warwick Capper getting vaginoplasty while a big fat granny sucks Creed from The Office's cock, and everyone is litening to Elvis Presley - King Creole?

I want to break the ninnynet.

Happy VD everyone!

2011-02-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

Awkward

2011-02-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

Someone just reminded me that I met an English dude at a party on Friday night, said "whoh, that dude is more English than a root canal" and continued to refer to him as "root canal" for the rest of the night.

Tom Marvelo Kibble

2011-02-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

An animal shelter in the US thinks that nobody will want to adopt this cat (who has had his nose and ears have been due to cancer) because he looks too much like Voldemort. What the hul??? Who WOULDN'T want a cat that looks like Voldemort. This cat looks fucking awesome.

Meme Girls

2011-02-13T04:08:00.001-08:00

Gemmer's Internet Thursdays

2011-02-10T04:27:00.000-08:00

(Just kidding, haven't seen The Dark Knight, don't get it)

I read The Hobbit in 2002, suck it nurdz!

Sad Keanu is getting sadder

Homg I've already met Buffalo Bill? Be still my beating heart!

Accurate

Would you eat a pizza made by Gary Busey? Of course you would.

Insensitive.

Either make a "kitteh" play an instrument or force a retarded person to sing a pop song in your kitchen...and they shall come.

I lub historical fiction? Have they booked Chabon to write the screenplay?

Lost: a letdown? In what universe was it NOT going to be a letdown?? Everyone is stupider than the polar bear that Sawyer kills with a gun *spoiler alert*

This is what I tell myself every time I remember that I have an outstanding street drinking fine from last year (if bike cops were in The Wizard of Oz they would be the flying monkeys).

If I had asian parents then I would be a brilliant pianist/ physicist/ deli owner right now (from the writers of "Top Gear").

Oh god, I am so sick of Anne Hathaway, you know she is EXACTLY like her annoying character in Love and Other Drugs (except without the Parkinson's).

Ps. Her tits are shit.

Inception: full of awful plot holes and generally shit writing (whoh we are in a dream inside a dream where the "goofs" section of IMDB doesn't exist...I can has continuity?)

Did you ever know that you're my heroooo? And all the gas I have after beeeef?

You know what they say...racism sells (matresses).

Oh and Ps. there is a blog called Tampontears.com run by a widowed single parent who loves UB40, Mumford and Sons, Jesus and placing green text on an orange background (whyyyyyyyyyy?)

This is the best thing I have ever seen

2011-02-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

An average Saturday night for Donut

2011-02-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

Huge snugglers

"I'm see through"

His lil spider monkey

All I want for Christmas is you

Uuggh I hate working out... the things we do for love

My internet crush is on the internet

2011-02-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

I really loved this

My favorite type of person is one with a little vision and a lot of spare time

Things I am going to do when I get a proper job

2011-01-29T08:42:00.000-08:00

2011 is the last year of my journalism degree (unless I fail/have a breakdown/both) so I have begun to think about the things I will do when I go all 9 to 5/get all George Negus on you.

get a fucking Prius

master the art of the french roll (via youtubes)

vaginoplasty (I have an "outie" *sad face*)

get a manstress who looks like Zach Galifianakis (or is actually Zach Galifianakis)

purchase a Birkin and a Murkin (online)

a lady at work kept trying to tell me that the Pandora factories* in Thailand are a really great place to work, complete with an awesome staff room, gym and great pay! Yeah, sweatshops these days are Kewl! So I want to do a documentary on the Pandora factories*. As if anyone other than 5 year olds on a diet of rice and poowater could create the worst jewellery on earth (they have toe rings).

invest in Arnotts (BBQ shapes are a money melon, I had them for breakfast yesterday)

Get a plumber to fix my taps so I stop having to boil water on the stove every time I want to wash my dishes

finally I can afford to buy triple spanx, one just ain't cutting it

get regular professional bikini waxes (waxing your own vj is HARD)

go to the doctor when i have a chest infection for 3 weeks instead of doing shots of colloidal silver and making my mum buy me steak (hul anaemic).

I will no longer feel sorry for shop assistants (because I won't be one) and can yell at them (guilt free)

have three bastard children and name them after characters from the Vampire Academy books (hai Rosemary, Lissa and Dimitri!)

dump said kids at PLC and Christ Church boarding schools

Go on Heston's Feast along with Peter Andre, Atomic Kitten and The Sugababes

Move from the cask to the bottle (a longtime dream)

Or alternatively I could take advantage of some sweet nepotism and get a government job, get depression, then live out a modern day version of Valley of the Dolls.

KEWL, TEVS, NOT FUSSY.

XOXO,

Doney

Have a question about your future? Not sure about your five year plan?? Email the doney at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

*sweatshops

FUCK SNAKES

2011-01-27T14:58:00.000-08:00

Clare and I just got back from staying at our friend's farm in Eagle Bay. It is one of my favorite places to go, however this year something really scary happened and now I'm not so sure.

I was sitting on the veranda on Tuesday, along with a handful of other people when a snakey slithered up next to me. The next bit was a bit hazy but I jumped up on my chair and launched myself inside, and ran into the bedroom. When it was over (apparently when I screamed the snake got so scared it slithered into the wall and then ran away) everyone was a bit cross with me. Apparently when I ran inside I closed the front door, locking everyone outside with a poisonous dugite. I swear I didn't! I maintain that this guy did it...

So anyway, we were on our way back to Perth on Australia Day when we noticed there was a fair in Busselton so we stopped. There were some snakes there and Clarey got her picture taken with one.

She asked me if I wanted my picture taken with the snake. I hesitated for a moment then decided that this might prove that I am NOT the huge pussy everyone thinks I am, and anyway what a great photo op!!!

I was pretty calm at first but Clare couldn't figure out how to use my camera and after what seemed like a year with this snake wrapped around me I started to freak out a little, and people were starting to notice.

Check out this judgmental look I'm getting from these bitches!

I think the worst part is that my dreams have been crushed; I have always thought that if I'm still single and working in retail when I'm 32 then I would just go on Farmer Wants a Wife, not so much for the dude but for the animals (horses, lambs, dogs, calves, little ducklings, etc). I have now come to realise that the outback is full of DANGEROUS CREATURES and I can't handle that. I choose the big smoke forevs and evs.

Igor

2011-01-27T05:18:00.000-08:00

My buddy and future husband Igor IS AN ARTIST! He sent me a really pretty picture...

(Igor's muse)

I commissioned an Igor MS Paint original and I'm pretty happy with the result.

Fun facts about Iggy

He loves it when I wear secret bike shorts under my dress and spontaneously show them to him throughout the day
one time when I showed him my bike shorts he asked me if I was wearing a pad and I was all "ewww gross, who wears PADS??" and he said "wow, you have a fat mound"
We shared passionate kissies at our work xmas party (it was beautiful)
I wish he would come home from Berlin so that I can make him feel weird by touching him all the time and he can tell me all about his latest poor life decisions

RUB A DUB

2011-01-25T17:41:00.001-08:00

i really miss my luxurious bathtub. and swimming in it.

ONE WAY

2011-01-25T17:30:00.000-08:00

dear c.o.d

have arrived at destination. have been enjoying the sweater wearing weather. also enjoyed alot of carlton draught and spicy food. if we dont find a house i have scoped out the abandoned "womens hospital" in carlton as a possibility for "living" in.

+'s: many many bukowski books id never even heard of here. less sweating. parks that are better than hyde park but they dont have lakes and swans in them. cheap alcoholism. unisexual toliets?

-'s: nelly no friends. billy no bed. wally no wheels. janet no job. being an actual tourist and needing a map.

I don't know if you guys know this but I live alone

2011-01-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

To Dear Gracey

2011-01-12T07:50:00.001-08:00

Here is that picture of a vagina I was talking about.

Love From Clare

Appropriate Behaviour

2011-01-03T02:08:00.000-08:00

In pictures with celebrities. I win at it.

PLEASE

2010-12-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

To Dear Andrew M.,

I would like to be the replacement guitarist in your indie band. I know about 7 chords and a few riffs I guess. I find it hard to stand up and play but I'm sure I'll learn! You would not even need to take new band photos, I have (as your official photographer) made a new, professional looking one using Abode Photoshop, or a similar program.

Please think about this for serious!

Yours sincerely,

Clarke "Shreds on the guitar" Weldon

Sometimes the internet is so good that I can't stop thinking about how good the internet is

2010-12-21T06:54:00.000-08:00

And Don Hertzfelt has a new video, and Queefy just had her wisdom teef out so dis is weird!

If I knew how to put animated gifs on here there would be lots of animated gifs on here. I did it internet banking for the first time the other day, it was HARD.

I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE http://noyoushutup.tumblr.com

LAWL

2010-12-21T06:06:00.001-08:00

I'm SOWWEE

2010-12-20T06:30:00.001-08:00

This is a blog for my boyfriend, who really likes planes.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A present for Clarey for getting 1st class honours

2010-12-13T04:09:00.000-08:00

I was going to put this on FB but I was scared I would get deleted (because then I would have to leave my house to get laid)

2010-12-13T03:59:00.000-08:00

peeking virtue from Douglas Burgdorff on Vimeo.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2010-12-07T04:38:00.000-08:00

I had my work xmas party on the weekend and can I just say, HOOOOO BOYYYY.

This is me plotting and then...

BLAMMO making out with my gay boss (it tasted like bottoms).

Forcing myself on some more gays (Igor's mouth tastes like vagina)

Then talking to some food about it.

And then talking to some more food about it.

I think Chris and Iggy needed to talk to some food about it also.

I consider it a success because at least I didn't get caught by a bouncer eating sausage rolls under a table like last year.

NonBeyonces

2010-11-29T00:25:00.000-08:00

This is yet another edition of "Girls you should stay the fuck away from." by Gracey Ophelia.

Playing the victim role ("poor me"): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation

I've had a rule since I was 17 or so that goes a little something like; "Anyone that tells me some godawful 'thing' that happened to them the first time I meet them is either a crazy bitch or a pathological liar and I should not have anything to do with them because they will either a) keep being crazy or b) lie to me heaps more." It started with this girl I met in an atrium of a friends house who greeted me with "My boyfriend died in my arms from a smack overdose 3 years ago."

As Bowser so eloquently puts it "You gotta lube it up before you stick it in, man."

While sharing secrets is one of the reasons why our hair is so big (cus it's filled with them), Beyonces are generally pretty guarded with the real big ones. Anyone that gives them away for freezies isn't worth my time as it's a classic symptom of a case of the crazies. Avoid at all cost!

I give attention seekers;
3 stars for comedy value
negative one billion stars for upsetting people who actually had bad things happen to them
5 stars for being hot. The crazies always are.

OH GARSH

2010-11-28T16:03:00.000-08:00

Did anybody read this bad boy in the Sunday Times? On Sunday?

It is the worst thing I've read since some bozo told me to buy a collection of short stories by Miranda July. I don't usually read the Sunday Times but I was having breakfast with friends and needed an excuse to not talk to them.

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/national/italian-restaurateur-plenty-of-new-money-but-no-manners/story-e6frea8c-1225962084738

Now, I hate the cashed up bogans of Perth more than anybody!

Nice sunglasses robocop!

Nice tatt astronomy nerd!

So anyway, the bozo from this article ACTUALLY uses the terms "old money" and "new money". What a CREEP! He also bitches "I see people order an $800 bottle of wine and then they don't even know how to hold the glass properly". Hey buddy, if someone orders the $800 bottle of wine you should offer them a side of rimming, not a public bitch about etiquette.

I have been to both of this dude's restaurants and they aren't that great. Also, one of them is in Subiaco (aka bogan mecca), what with it containing the Subi oval and The Red Sea. I used to work in Subiaco and one time I had to clean blood from the pavement outside the store.

In conclusion this guy needs to get a bag and put it on his head. And stop talking to journalists.

Things about the 28/11/10 issue of the Sunday Times that are also funny/bad

a PAGE THREE article about Luke Longley's daughter choosing basketball over modeling. Where was MY article when I chose retail over journalism?
Obligatory racist rant: too many foreigners in our prisons! Garsh!
Your Say WA: Should police use ethnic or religious words to describe offenders? I'm pretty sure some bike cops called Alexi and I drunk sluts once. I would have preferred it if they called me a "pogue" or a "mick". Jus sayin.
Some fake statistics saying that passive smoking kills 600,000 people a year. So does shower mould but you don't see me cleaning my shower, do you?*
Half page "article" about some purple flowers in Melville.
Article about Rottnest only being available to rich people, I HOPE THEY KNOW HOW TO HOLD THEIR FORK!
Article about how McDonald's is cheaper in Asia. LETS MOVE TO ASIA!
I'm on page 33 and I'm hal bored. Too many shit articles.

*I may have made that statistic up but it DID kill Brittany Murphy. Allegedly.

Hey Nina!

2010-11-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about how much I am going to miss Nina's snories when she moves to Melbourne. Maybe I will have to find out what this "skype" thing is so I can keep up with the boring stuff.

One time I came up to her while she was serving a customer at work and I guess I got the tail end of the conversation she was having with him because all I got was "so I just stayed at home and listened to Blink 182". He was pretty weirded out, I think it was because he was a biffy surfer and had never heard a girl talk about anything other than fake tan and The Waifs before.

The best sexual fantasies of all time

2010-11-22T05:13:00.000-08:00

1. Buffalo Bill

Man that dude is CRAZY and everybody has had a phase where they like the bad boys. Please tell me you have never fantasized about being held captive by a homosexual hick who enjoys kimonos and tucking his dick between his legs SO I CAN CALL YOU A LIAR. He also has a nipple piercing and some weird tattoos which has additional piss-off-your-dad points.

2. Sexy Gynecologist

Can you IMAGINE a sexy gyno? Of course you can, even I can imagine it and my gyno is a VERY JUDGEMENTAL middle aged Indian woman. I also like sterile surroundings. I think it is because my apartment is disgusting.

3. Elliot Slabler

Clare and Gracie laughed at me because this fantasy is not very sexual. Basically in this fantasy Chris Malone and I meet at a New York roof top party, I am charming and he is especially taken by me and asks me to the Emmys. Obvs I say yes and we go and heaps of reporters ask "who is this new kid on the block?" and "what are you wearing?" etc etc. Then we go back to a hotel and intercourse each other. Whatever, that isn't even the important part. Mmmmmm the Emmys.

4. Jason Sudeikis

We meet after I move to New York and become a writer for SNL (a fantasy I have had since I was 10). It's kind of like a rom com, we don't click at first, we even fucking hate each other! But then we realise our hate for each other is a barrier we have built to save ourselves from the agony of LOVE!!! And then we BONE. Kewwwl.

5. Jason Segal

He just drills me, no frills.

Honorable mentions: being Maid Marion in the BBC production of Robin Hood, Being Veronica Mars with her sexy PI skills and sassy wit, Mr Rochester, Naomi and Emily from Skins (ghey and gay), being Don Draper's lover, Mr Darcy (obvs).

If you have any sexual questions send them to me (Gemmer) at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

Kewl? Kewl.