Third Degree Burns

Nina and I have spent the past couple weeks trying to out-burn each other. For example, we might go shopping together and I will point out a shirt I like and Nina will reply something like "Oh yeah that's cool, pretty quirky, eccentric, retro, you know, your style". Oh haHA Nina, real clever. Take this: to date, I have made fun of Nina for having a single-speed, home-made tattoos, quirky bangs, indie boobs, omg morrissey, buying tofu desserts, spending $300 at the American Apparel store, black on black vans!!, kooky furniture, kooky hospitality job etc etc (the list literally goes on and on). The most she can come up with for me is for having heaps of stripey t-shirts and for dating someone who is in Frankie magazine (haha). Clearly, I am the master of burns. Clearly.

Anyway, this leads me to write another How to Win At Life/Everybody Should Be More Like Me installment. I know one billion of you have been failing (epicly) since I stopped blogging, and I am really truly sorry that you suck your own balls so hard. This is kinda of a vague guide about how your general life attitude SHOULD be. SHOULD.

Firstly, assume everything about yourself is funny and hilarious. Like, haha, look at this stupid cafe I work in where I get psyched because I can play my own mix CDs. Haha @ my stupid sharehouse in the inner city burbs and at my wardrobe that is either on trend of quirkly off point. Even funnier is all the music/books/films/art I like and probably my hairstyle is funnier than all that COMBINED. Everything you like is dumb.

Your life goals are probably teehee: YEAH I WANT TO LIKE, WRITE A SHORT STORY AND LIVE IN NEW YORK, AND LIKE, TRAVEL or alternatively some hirarious destructive pathway I JUST WANT TO NT FEEL ANYTHING AND TAKE HEAPS OF DRUGS AND LIKE, STICK IT TO THE MAN BY PROBABLY SHOPLIFTING OR SOMETHING. My life goals are funny too, they're a combination of that but plus AND FIND A WAY TO ACCURATELY TARGET RADIONUCLIDES TO METASTASIZING CANCER CELLS as an added bonus indie omg science quirk. Probably the funniest thing about us is everything we think: I AM HAPPY AND SAD AND IN BETWEEN I LOVE SOMEONE BUT THEY DUMPED ME!! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? WILL I EVER ACHIEVE MY LIFE GOALS? I SHOULD DRINK MORE WATER DURING THE DAY.

What is the upshot of this attitude? No one will ever ever one-up you. No one can ever win at burning you if you accept that everything about you is haha, typical and ultimately stupid. When people yell at me from their cars "ARE YOU GOING TO AN ART SHOW" I can be like "I KNOW RITE?". I remember one time Gemma was burning this dude for never having a job and living at home with his parents in a mansion in Joondalup but for having this rad bad dude with a mad bad tood thing going on, and he pretty much almost punched her in the face. If he was just like "I know, I am a big poseur!! Teehee!!" how much better would he be? Super better.

There are some things about you that are for cereal though. For example, if you had something fucked up happen to you, like someone you love dying or getting raped that is totally not funny. I'm not gonna laugh at that. On the other hand, some serious things are kinda funny: like, trying to kill yourself when you were 15 (pretty funny) or being addicted to meth (hahahaha). I'm not sure what other things are serious, probably most things about people in 3rd world countries aren't funny. Most things about the middle class are funny though.

In conclusion, I'm really funny. I'm gonna go give Nina some ointment for her burns. Love Clare xoxoxo