Things I am going to do when I get a proper job

2011 is the last year of my journalism degree (unless I fail/have a breakdown/both) so I have begun to think about the things I will do when I go all 9 to 5/get all George Negus on you.

• get a fucking Prius

• master the art of the french roll (via youtubes)





vaginoplasty (I have an "outie" *sad face*)





get a manstress who looks like Zach Galifianakis (or is actually Zach Galifianakis)





purchase a Birkin and a Murkin (online)





a lady at work kept trying to tell me that the Pandora factories* in Thailand are a really great place to work, complete with an awesome staff room, gym and great pay! Yeah, sweatshops these days are Kewl! So I want to do a documentary on the Pandora factories*. As if anyone other than 5 year olds on a diet of rice and poowater could create the worst jewellery on earth (they have toe rings).





invest in Arnotts (BBQ shapes are a money melon, I had them for breakfast yesterday)



Get a plumber to fix my taps so I stop having to boil water on the stove every time I want to wash my dishes



finally I can afford to buy triple spanx, one just ain't cutting it



get regular professional bikini waxes (waxing your own vj is HARD)



go to the doctor when i have a chest infection for 3 weeks instead of doing shots of colloidal silver and making my mum buy me steak (hul anaemic).



I will no longer feel sorry for shop assistants (because I won't be one) and can yell at them (guilt free)



have three bastard children and name them after characters from the Vampire Academy books (hai Rosemary, Lissa and Dimitri!)



dump said kids at PLC and Christ Church boarding schools



Go on Heston's Feast along with Peter Andre, Atomic Kitten and The Sugababes



Move from the cask to the bottle (a longtime dream)

Or alternatively I could take advantage of some sweet nepotism and get a government job, get depression, then live out a modern day version of Valley of the Dolls.

KEWL, TEVS, NOT FUSSY.

XOXO,

Doney

Have a question about your future? Not sure about your five year plan?? Email the doney at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

*sweatshops