one of the first irrational fears i recollect as a "young adult"- post bald eagle adolescent days, was, i feel, partly gemma and clares fault. mostly gemma's though cause she is the absolute QUEEN or irrational fears, pipe dreams etc.
anyways it began in a small bathroom located in g&c's old place on the corner of william and walcott. on the wall was a "dont push to thard" tag or something similar.
on the floor was a "vice guide to everything" or whatevs. i promptly skipped through the "do's and donut's" and "how to give a bj" sections, clearly already well equipped with the skills of clothes and gobbies i ventured further... intoo a section that must have been called "rectum recollections".
the section was all about people who, on purposely shelved everyday objects, wether it be a shampoo bottle, sauce dispenser or transparent dildo. all up the butt.
straight up, no half stepping. some of the people ended up in hospital because, you know - your not really sposd to put THAT much hard plastic in there. its a place of outputs, not a recycling bin!
so the peeps who ended up in hospital always said something like "i fell on it" and the doctors are all "why does the sauce bottle have a condom on it then, HEY HEY?"
in steps my irrational fear.. "so what if i slipped in the shower and something DID indeed go up my butt, and then they donut believe me?? and what if it was the taps?? man you'd really have to slip on an angle.. it would have to be SURGICALLY REMOVED!!! and then theyd think id been having a tap fap. AHHH.. etc."
i used to think about this 95% of the time i was showering, and for someone who showers 2/3 times daily ITS KIND OF ALOT.
enter 2011. new state, new shower. NEW FEARS. but this time nothing to do with the shower.
most mornings i wake at 5:45 am, leave the house by 7am, catch a train to flinders and then wait there for up to 25minutes for another 20 minute train ride. wooo. relevance? well for that period of time im waiting at the train station im usually in a 1 coffee state. ie. medically dead. so there is no way im standing for up to 25 minutes.. so i sit on a step that has a sign "PLEASE DO NOT SIT ON THE STEP, THIS IS NOT LOST PROPERTY" all i think about in this time is:
A. when my next coffee fix will be
B. if sitting on this step will give me hemroids
C. if i have hemroids will they be affected by coffee
D. will it be less satisfying to take a dump if half my ass is falling out
E. do hippies believe hemroids are the "nodes" of the anus
F. would freud say i had some toilet troubles when i was a baby seeing as all of my fears are related to the destruction of my ass?
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