Gemmer's Guide To Studying

Its exam week and I have been studying like a damn near Asian for the past month. It would be selfish of me to not pass on my tips for success in this area

1) If you have been studying for 13 hours straight and have to get up in three hours to go to work then I suggest drinking a litre of water before bed. If your alarm doesn't rouse you then the warm spread of urine over your legs hopefully will

2) Ignore the huge cavity in the bottom-left row of your teeth until exams are over. Chew all mentos with right rows of teeth (Note: take a minute to text your mother asking her to make sure you are covered by your family's private health insurance)

3) Keep in mind that it is entirely possible that you have gotten used to smelling like shit, try to shower once a day

4) don't eat, it makes you sleepy. It is scientifically proven by me that a person can subsist on chicken wings and Red Bull for three weeks

5) give all your shifts at work away to someone else, Red Bull and chicken wings are not too expensive.

6) Take a backpack when visiting your parents. You can distract them with a funny youtube video while you steal all their milk, coffee, red meat and fruit. If they call you later to ask if you stole it just yell "DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING JUNKIE?" down the phone. After living off Red Bull and chicken you probably will look like a junkie but the situation should be sufficiently diffused.

7) Keep in mind that if you stay awake for 24 hours then you will probably accidentally sleep for 22 hours and miss Angry Boys.

8) The cystic acne you develop from stress and poor nutrition will scar if you pick at it. I recommend using a Proactiv face mask.

9) Milo made by boiling milk on the stove is amazing. There is even a milo that can make you smarter!

10) Make sure you keep your eye on the prize, namely being able to eat an entire family pizza while watching all three Jurassic Park films after exams

11) Keep positive, when somebody asks you how study is going just say "really great" instead of "I'M FUCKING FUCKED I'M THINKING ABOUT FAKING MY OWN DEATH AND DEVELOPING A CRACK ADDICTION"

12) Blogs created by teenagers are like crack, avoid them at all costs

13) If you decide to give yourself a break don't smoke kronic (legal weed?), you will go deaf for three hours, everything you say will be ridiculous and you will pray for a coma

14) Don't spend 10 minutes trying to sign into your blog and then a further 15 minutes writing a stupid fucking guide for something that you are obviously shit at. This is valuable time that could be spent reading about the wonders of government reform and making yourself mildly less fucked