BALLIN FO SOUP

winter is in full swing.. rain, gnarly storms, cable knits, log cabin log furniture, hot water bottles ETC. winter is a soup-er season! cuddly! kewt! it is freezing, but there is soup too warm yr wooly soul!

my favourite soup is any FRESH soup that has peas in it. operative word being fresh because pea soup from a can tastes rancid. BUT as i am a busy little winter wooly hibernating in my chair, at my desk, doing homework while wearing the finest cashmere sweaters in classic shades of camel and marone and the most nostalgic 90s-esque fingerless gloves, I DONUT HAFF THE TIME, to make the freshest soups. SO, i have compiled a review for you.

X= write that shit off

XX= so close to bad, why bother?

XXX= okay, possibly something to write home about

XXXX= something to write home about

XXXXX= BUY NOW, IZ GEWD

YOULL LOVE COLES SPRING VEGETABLE SOUP (packet, 4 serves) rating: X

this was the second most budget friendly soup option. but that is literally ALL this soup has going for it. it tastes like someone steamed some fresh, vegetables then used the delicious vegetables too serve too all their best friends. but YOU get the shitty water that the vegetables were bolied in, a sickly sour rabies ridden watery grosse thing. in conclusion, that is what i believe this soup to taste like. it tasted so ugly i didnt even finish my serve and proceeded to throw the rest in the bin. OUCH! this was by far the most unsatisfying soup i tried.

CONTINENTAL HEARTY SPANISH TOMATO (packet, 2 serves) rating: XXXX

delicious. this soup is really good, i used too eat it all the time and add grated cheese and fresh black pepper. it has noodles and a really nice tomato flavour, it says hearty and god damn it, IT IS! i donut buy it much anymore, only because as far as packet soups go its on the expensive side and only has TWO serves instead of the traditional 4.

BLACK & GOLD TOMATO SOUP (packet, 4 serves) rating: XXXXX

the best! tomato is a classic flavour and this soup does not dissapoint. it is not too thick, and not too watery. simple and effective. sweet yet tangy. also you can usually end up getting this on sale and its only 99c! amazing value for welfare money!!

CAMBELLS MUSHROOM AND CRACKED BLACK PEPPER (carton) rating: XXX

this soup, is okay. it has a nice flavour but the consistency combined with the creaminess of the mushroom is a little offputing. hmm yes. im giving it the 3X rating because the flavour IS good, but, having said that you can get the exzact SAME flavour from the soup below, at a better price, and in less weird packaging (carton, what?) the serving size is a meal size, but its simply not hearty enough on its own too be classified as a meal.

CONTINENTAL CREAM OF MUSHROOM (packet, serves) rating: XXXX

mushroom is hard to get right (as i mentioned above) but this one is very good. i usually put 2 serves in a bowl and add lots of pepper. MMM YEAH, SOUPY FINE. it has tiny buts of "mushroom" unexpected but you know what, im okay with it. EMBRACE.

KNORR REAL CHINESE SOUP, NIDO ORIENTAL STYLE (sachet, serves 4) rating: XXXXX

you need too add one egg to make this soup, and unlike the others you make it on the stove top. BUT having said that it only takes about 5 minutes too make and the results are awesome. i also add some corn kernels and its a sweet treat. it has that traditional chinese snot like consistency that you know, and love and a delicious and nutritious flavour. the only downside (in my mind) is i dont usually buy eggs so when i want to make this i have to make a point to pur-chase some. but its no biggie. HI FIVE!

THE END.

ITS ALWAYS SUNNY

WAYS THAT ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA CHANGED MY LIFE

a short novella compiled by (NME)

#1. YELLING, charlie is always yelling, muttering, screaming. the short of it is, its beautiful and a necessary outlet for expressing yourself, as an artist i really respect that kind of self-expression. i live in a BIG house. so big its been coined "WOOMANSION" cause 5 sexy ladys live there and its sexy and big like a mansion. theres alot of breast fondling and but slapping and im not actually joking. if we had cameras we could make alotta money. anyway, like i said the house is of a large sized persuasion so i now feel comfortable yelling my way through the house. i yell at clare upstairs, i yell at ppl sitting on the toilet. i yell the shit out of it!

#2. DIRTY PRANKS, in the episode "the gang goes jihad" charlie throws a pooey paper bag flaming missile intoo a construction site cause the dudes their are starting beef and trying too take half the bar. in laymans terms theyre fucking jerks. as a collective the woomansion began thinking about ppl who were straight up shit bitches. im not talking about yr ex boyfriend or that girl from highschool, blah blah reflective story im talking DOWNTOWN jerks. we thought of our racist, classist, pig faced ex-neighbour who once called the realestate agency on us for not putting our bin out. as a collective we dressed in black, like the night, we drew maps and pumped up the tyres on our fierce bicycles, we roped in kats friend and explained the game plan. we collected some illegeal weapons (eggs) and we raped their car with chicken mensturation. we also added some flour just so the bmw would be that slight bit harder too clean. we clinked glasses of tang, we cheered and we were sweaty. it was a magical moment. revenge is a dish best served with a side of tang.

#3. JUST AN AWKWARD MEETING BETWEEN FRIENDS AT THE WELFARE STORE, its true, like dee says you get on the welfare too help make yr pipe dreams realitys. all of woomansion are members of the welfare store. we all study as well, but it would probably sound a bit more glamorous if i lefty that bit out.

#4. BIZ MARKIE REVIVAL, also in the welfare episode dee and dennis are choc chillin hardcore on a step stoop, drinking longnecks from brown paper bags and having ghetto rolls in their jeans and singing along too " just a friend". so much passion in this song. very moving. a constant youtube tune for myself.

#5. IMPORTANT LOOKING OUTFITS, whenever mac "dresses up" he wears his polo shirt, with a tie. haha. when i had too go too court cause some losers wouldnt give us our bond money back i tried channeling macs vibe. i, of course ended up looking like a conservative mormon in my court outfit and there was not a polo shirt or tie in sight, but my spirit was definetly wearing macs superior clothing choice. ps. we won the court case.

#6. MY FAVOURITE LINES, they bring me so much pleasure and many hearty lols. like "im gurner eat yr babies" or "im gurner stab him... im gurner stab his face off" just thinking about it makes me need too urinate, in a nice way.

#7. CHARLIE, CHARLIE, CHALIE, i have the biggest boner for charlie. not only is he a hairy manly attractive specimen he is amazingly charismatic and humorous. what a dreamboat, slight attraction too danger and violence, makes great sandwiches, a generous helping of the crazies and such devotion too his chosen woman. cuuute!

theres more, i will continue too add but i must be off too eat food. its always sunny in philadelphia is the best tv show ever!

the fire of my loins

breakfast is undoubtedly my favourite meal of the day, as the choice of sweet and savoury tasty treats is enough too blow youre k.rudd support package, maybe even yr mind!!!

mostly i go for the cold orange option (always cold, never room temperature) but sometimes ill bust out all NOMEATCOOKEDBREAKFEASTPLEASE styles. but thats only usually on special occasions. i also enjoy choc up and go but mostly not at breakfast time.

anyway, brownes does a top notch youghrt in the variety of "banana maple pancake" WTF its like yr craziest dreams come true!!

if yr one of thoose fags who likes skim milk and low fat muffins then please, donut read on. 

however if you have some form of mental/eating disorder please feel free too continue reading as i have devised a plan on how you too may benefit from the love of my life fire of my loins, 2nd favourite dairy product.

lets see.. eat it and purge, wait till it goes all chunky funky then eat it and youll be REAL sick but yr tastebuds possibly satisfied, use as a defence against biffs but not before you open it and creepily stroke the tub before licking it and sending it hurtling towards yr chosen biff or biffette's head, if yr an animal lover smear it all over you and cats might lick you, perhaps try running a soothing bath and adding the chosen product so as you might retain the smell of such baked goods - yr surely too attract a mate this way.

the other week my housemate left me note in the fridge that red NINA and it was stuck on a tub of this. people.. i know what i like, clearly other people know what i like and now the time has come for you too decide what you like. do you like dairy products inspired by meals of yr dreams? or do you like horoscopes, long walks on the beaches and fisting cold hard slabs of meat? ITS UP TOO YOU.

TOP 4 WORST EVER MOVIES, EVER

4# SCREWBALL HOTEL

the blurb for this movie was "take a magnificent but broke hotel, a beauty pageant with a difference and a new drug that destroys peoples inhibitions and the stage is set for the wildest party ever!" the immature storyline takes 103 minutes too unfold and its all ugly boys, hot half naked girls and dressups plus disasters. this should have been a quick thrill but quite simply comes off like someone who attempts too sodimise you real roughly and just when you think theyre getting all soft and loveydovey you realise theyre just checking yr pockets for change. oh shit.

3# MAD LOVE

drew barrymore is 'damaged goods' in this film. youd believe it too, no sane persons eyebrows could be that thin. okay, so nerd but nice boy virtually stalks the shit out of her then kind of dates the shit out of her. they run off together (he had too get her out of that god damn mental institution) then while theyre driving along the freeway of love she initiates this retarded "trust exercise" which leads them too crash car. they do the hillbilly thing and live in some dump in the middle of nowhere (tumbleweed) then miss "shes so CRAZY' starts pasting eyeballs all over the walls and he wakes up and is all WTF so sends her back too her parents. the only conclusion that this film led me too is I HATE DB4LIFE. the end. hell grunge.

2# TOUCHLIGHT

what attracted me too this out of date VHS was the bad 80's hair and the writting on the front "she had one love. he had one secret... cocaine. no one wants to go to hell alone" its not even as epic as it makes out too be. "the struggle is desperate. the stakes are high" but its so freakin boring youd never get that. i wont even bother explaining the storyline its actually that lame.

1# SLEEPWALKERS

this movie takes the cake fur cereal. secretly sometimes when people say they haterading on things i want too see for myself and maybe ill hate it too and maybe ill feel cool like "oh scagnetti hates it and i hate it too BFFL!! marry me!!" well this movie is not applicable. its based on a stephen king novel (obviously his crappest work too date) a mother and son team of unfortunate looking cat inspired supernatural creatures who move  too town too find a virgin sacrifice. cats are scared of them. i donut know how they decided all of this but alotacats DIE in this movie. the cyco mum bitch uses one hand too snap kittys spine. shes hell laying down the law. IN CLOSING I HATED THIS MOVIE MORE THAN ANY OTHER PAIN IVE HAD TOO ENDURE IN MY 20 YRS OF LIVING. (i would have rather spent an hour mashing my fist in elton johns crap while he sings candle in the wind over and over and over again)

i found this website where this other lad also shares similar views on aformentioned film...

(NME)

a medium length novel about novels

eeeee eee eeee; tao lin

leisa lent me this book, i really thought it was a GREAT read. about a dude - andrew who works at dominos and sees animals everwhere. sometimes the animals (mainly dolphins) kill people like elijah wood or sean penn. then he meets the president of the USA. i donut like that part of the book though, the presidents got a bad case of the waa waa's.

the gum theif; douglas coupland

i started reading this yesterday and so far its pretty interesting. heres my favourite bit so far

"its amazing how you can be a total shithead, and yet yr soul still wants too hang out with you. souls ought too have the legal right too bail once you cross certain behaviour threshholds.."

excellent.

(NME)

braun series 7

an untrialled review based solely on asthetics and hear say.

Braun Series 7 motor sends over 10,000 micro-vibrations per minute through the shaver head to gently stimulate the skin, causing it to ripple, which helps capture and shave more hairs with every stroke. The hair is shaved with high-speed precision using leading edge Gillette Blade Technology. For added closeness and comfort, Braun Series 7 incorporates a Sensitive Flexing Head, which follows the contours of a man's face with twice the pivoting angle of other Braun shavers, and shaves hard-to-reach areas using touch sensitive foils that respond to the slightest change in skin surface. Additionally, Braun Series 7 is the world's first shaver brand with an ENERGY STAR-qualified battery charger, which recognizes the shaver's energy-efficient design and Braun's commitment to environmental sustainability.

hi. im an unsuspecting member of the girl species who has fallen asleep on the couch only too be awoken by manly man voice advertisement for new!! braun series 7!! physced!!
first of all the sheer shininess of this product makes me feel like if i was a man i would have too be on star trek too actually be able too use it. like it might deteriorate in 'normal' earthly conditions.
also this whole thing about it gently stimulating and causing the skin too "ripple" is just fucking disturbing. who wants too be rippling? not you.
it reminds me of the whole situation of where by when it rains the soft thudding causes the snails too covort about the pavements in a wild unruly fashion. what do you think happens too thoose snails? they get pounded intoo the concrete with yr foot, thats what happens!
(clearly this is relevant, motion is relevant)
anyway as a closing point too my argument (that you should NOT attempt too purchase this product) i would like too say that if you really, actually cared about the environment (you should) just buy a disposable razor, okay? the whole fact it is rated "energy star" is not even backed up with any facts or statitics, weak.
i know im probably not manly enough too talk about the flexing head and how it softly carresses the contours of a mans face but if anyone does actually buy one please leave us some feed back.

youres faithfully,
(NME)