Gemmer's guide to freaking out a one night stand

• put glad wrap over your fitted sheet (must be done before you go out trawling)
• "so what safeword do you like to use?" (as soon as you get through the door)
• put a giant padlock and chain on yr wardrobe (if they ask about it fold your arms and look at them suspiciously)
• only offer them milk to drink, when they ask for something else (including water) just shake your head like you think the question is weird and say "milk"
• offer to give them a haircut. When they say no just shrug and go wash your hands for 5 minutes
• if you actually manage to get them to have sex with you hum the tune to Mambo No.5 which doing the biz. You have two options (1) look off into the distance and move your head to the beat or (2) stare at their face without blinking
• pull away while making out and say accusingly "don't look at my legs" even if the lights are off (especially if the lights are off) then start hardcore macking on them again
• after coitus turn on your bedside lamp and start highlighting shows in TV Guide (requires you to place it there earlier). After you have marked the first couple shows turn to them and say sweetly "good niiiiight" then go back to highlighting

let me know if you actually do any of these supremo moves at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com and I will do you the honour of replying (maybe)