Axe Gemmer

It's been a while since someone sent me an Axe Gemmer so if you are experiencing personal problems/dilemmas/whatever DONUT IS HERE TO HELP.

axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

In related news: today I have eaten half a bag of Twisties, a turkey ham sub, 6 energy drinks, a coffee and Vegemite on crackers.

Axe Da COD

I am so sick of studying(what the hull is "collective accountability"??) so send me some questions and I shall answer them! At the moment I feel like I am an expert on

• Dropping a dress size from stress and then regaining dress size times two via chicken sandwiches
• Facebook stalking (it gives me catholic guilt stomach!)
• The internet in general, except I don't know how to download music or movies, or make gifs, or put gifs on this blog. Also I think I deleted my antivirus software.
• Middle Eastern conflict
• Making fun of fashion blogs
• Being an absentee wingman
• Breaking beds by jumping on them
• Building Ikea beds
• Getting Indian people to follow me on Twitter
• Quickly changing from Taylor Swift to Neutral Milk Hotel when I realise I am driving through Mt Lawley
• everything ever

Send your questions to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com, I can help you by sorting out your crappy lives and you can help me by sending me an email that isn't from Dominos, Gorman or the Apple store (why are they recommending me KD Lang?).

Ps. If you aren't following me on Twitter then I don't know what you are doing.

Axe Gemmer

Dear COD,

I am a young man living in Northbridge. I can tie my own shoes and can sing all of Westside Story from memory

Why am i so lonely? Is my lack of self-esteem? I would understand if that is the case because I am pretty shit, and i do apologise for it.

Tell me how to find "the one". And by that i mean anyone that doesn't end up being physically abusive over six years. Note: Totally good at putting up with crazy.

Much love
-Sleepless in Seattle (due to sexual frustration)

Dear Sleepless in Seattle,


Firstly, can I just say that -whatever the opposite of loneliness is- is OVERRATED. The middle of my bed now has a ditch in it from sleeping alone and it is comfortable, like a nest, I call it my lonely-lady-slump (the other day I found honest-to-goodness CHIPS in it, they were delicious). Also, I have a uni friend over every Tuesday and so today I had to clean my apartment! It was horrible. Today I ate...

• a bowl of special k
• 2 poptarts
• 2 hashbrowns
• 1 you'll love Coles lasagne (that had been completely defrosted and then refrozen)
• 5 slices of Jarlsberg cheese

...and I didn't have to share any of it. I think you get the picture.

So anyway, I think you need to get out of your comfort zones. For instance I am (as I write this) setting up an Eharmony account. From what I gather Eharmony is a more romantic, less sleazy version of adultmatchmaker. On that note, don't discount adultmatchmaker; I have had some fun on that site. I only deleted it because my then bf was getting upset, Clare accused me of doing it for the self-esteem boost (a model wanted to have sex with me) and because people kept messaging me saying things like "I drove past UWA today and thought of you" and "homg I live in Dalkeith, you should come over"

Another way to get out of your comfort zone is to go to clubs that you wouldn't usually go to. I went to Club Bayview on Thursday for the first time in 5 years and some thick necked date rapists were giving me the eye (guys I wouldn't usually go for) but hey, try anything once right? I used to hate olives and now I eat them like they're bedchips. I am seriously considering going to clubba all the time, they played Kesha!

You could also try faking confidence; bitches can smell fear on a dude. I spend a lot of my time pretending that I don't need to wear glasses, even when DRIVING because they're dorky. I was considering doing the whole she's-all-that thing, you know, wear glasses and baggy clothes for a year and then BAM take them off and have everyone fall in love with me. But that's a year of my life GONE.
Finally, “the one” is a crock of shit. Look at Brad Pitt, he thought Jen Aniston was “the one” but he was wrong. WE WERE ALL WRONG.

So in conclusion, I don't really know why you are asking me about combating loneliness, in the words of Jack Donaghy: I am the Picasso of loneliness. I could understand if you had emailed me about dealing with and settling in with your loneliness like it’s an invisible cat, I have been doing it for two years now (in March 2012 I get my degree, just before the world ENDS).

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful to you.

Regards,

Doney.

If you have any questions for Axe Gemmer you can send them to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

Axe Gemmer

Dear Gemmer,

wat is wanking?

Love,

Stephanie Wanker

Well Stephanie,

When a person and a hand love each other very much they will often dim the lights, put down whichever Twilight book they are reading and make sweet, passionate love to each other.

When things begin to sour a prop, such as a hand towel coated in Vaseline or an electric toothbrush might get involved.

I hope this has been helpful to you.

Regards,

Gemmer

If you have a question for me send an email to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

Hey faggotz

Don't forget (for a moment) that I don't give great advice. So email me at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com. Boys? Girls? Sandwiches? Interior design? Inferior design?

I can help you!

I have an opinion of everything!!! AXE GEMMER!

More Axe Gemmer

Dear Gemmer

Can I axe you something?
Is it wrong to partake in sexual healing with a newly single girl in the bed she still shares with her ex man?
Note: man is not is bed at time of healing.

Dearest Reader,
I'm getting a lot (and by a lot I mean this is the second) emails from dudes who feel bad about their chosen lady being bad. Most girls are not dumbdumbs when it comes to dudes and know exactly what they are doing. We are also not like men, we have self control in this sexy area. If this girl is doing-the-do with you so soon after a break up it is her conscience that should be dealing with it, not yours. That's not to say she should feel guilty but if there are any guilty feelings had they should be had by her and not you.

On another point why is she still sharing a bed with her ex? That is a little weird and probably either means she is not done with him or can't afford to rent a new place, aka she is either playing you both or is poor. Poor people are gross.

But for cereal, do what you want dude NO BEEF, JUST BURGERS!

Love from Gemmer xoxo


To axe Gemmer a question email axe_da_COD@hotmail.com, I know all.