Axe Gemmer

Dear COD,

I am a young man living in Northbridge. I can tie my own shoes and can sing all of Westside Story from memory

Why am i so lonely? Is my lack of self-esteem? I would understand if that is the case because I am pretty shit, and i do apologise for it.

Tell me how to find "the one". And by that i mean anyone that doesn't end up being physically abusive over six years. Note: Totally good at putting up with crazy.

Much love
-Sleepless in Seattle (due to sexual frustration)

Dear Sleepless in Seattle,


Firstly, can I just say that -whatever the opposite of loneliness is- is OVERRATED. The middle of my bed now has a ditch in it from sleeping alone and it is comfortable, like a nest, I call it my lonely-lady-slump (the other day I found honest-to-goodness CHIPS in it, they were delicious). Also, I have a uni friend over every Tuesday and so today I had to clean my apartment! It was horrible. Today I ate...

• a bowl of special k
• 2 poptarts
• 2 hashbrowns
• 1 you'll love Coles lasagne (that had been completely defrosted and then refrozen)
• 5 slices of Jarlsberg cheese

...and I didn't have to share any of it. I think you get the picture.

So anyway, I think you need to get out of your comfort zones. For instance I am (as I write this) setting up an Eharmony account. From what I gather Eharmony is a more romantic, less sleazy version of adultmatchmaker. On that note, don't discount adultmatchmaker; I have had some fun on that site. I only deleted it because my then bf was getting upset, Clare accused me of doing it for the self-esteem boost (a model wanted to have sex with me) and because people kept messaging me saying things like "I drove past UWA today and thought of you" and "homg I live in Dalkeith, you should come over"

Another way to get out of your comfort zone is to go to clubs that you wouldn't usually go to. I went to Club Bayview on Thursday for the first time in 5 years and some thick necked date rapists were giving me the eye (guys I wouldn't usually go for) but hey, try anything once right? I used to hate olives and now I eat them like they're bedchips. I am seriously considering going to clubba all the time, they played Kesha!

You could also try faking confidence; bitches can smell fear on a dude. I spend a lot of my time pretending that I don't need to wear glasses, even when DRIVING because they're dorky. I was considering doing the whole she's-all-that thing, you know, wear glasses and baggy clothes for a year and then BAM take them off and have everyone fall in love with me. But that's a year of my life GONE.
Finally, “the one” is a crock of shit. Look at Brad Pitt, he thought Jen Aniston was “the one” but he was wrong. WE WERE ALL WRONG.

So in conclusion, I don't really know why you are asking me about combating loneliness, in the words of Jack Donaghy: I am the Picasso of loneliness. I could understand if you had emailed me about dealing with and settling in with your loneliness like it’s an invisible cat, I have been doing it for two years now (in March 2012 I get my degree, just before the world ENDS).

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful to you.

Regards,

Doney.

If you have any questions for Axe Gemmer you can send them to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com