Down and Out in Singapore

As a renown negative Nancy I think it would be out of character for me to talk about how great my Singaporean holiday was so I’m going to let you guys know about all the bad stuff that happened

• There were no good movies on in the hotel except for Gattaca. Last time there was like, 24/7 Ben 10. Although I did enjoy watching the Asian and Middle Eastern Soap Operas and trying to figure out what was going on. There was one where there was two groups having a civilized argument in room but every now and then someone would fling a lackey band at someone’s face and there would be uproar. There was like 10 people and they seriously couldn’t figure out who was flinging the lackey.
• I went to one of those autoflush toilets and it went off while I was wiping and IT GOT ON MY HAND! I GOT WEE ON MY HAND!
• My grandma said something mean about every outfit I wore, not to mention comments about the paleness of my skin, my hair, my nails and my appetite around 20 times a day…each (“Gemma, is it ‘cool’ to be that pale? Is that hair style ‘in’ right now? Hmmmm.”)
• I wasn’t hungry at the Curry buffet at the Raffles and I only had one helping (an all-time low).
• Things I had to hear from my grandma on a daily basis
  -How thin she is/ how little she weighs
  -A million back-door brags “Oh you are SO good to be able to eat that much, I could NEVER fit that in”
  -About how her ex-husband (my grandpa) barfed spaghetti in the bathroom around 50 years ago
  -The aqua jacket/watch/handbag she just has to buy
  -Her worries about whether her youngest son is eating right (he is 41 and not retarded)
  -“Where’s the wine???” x 1000000
  -Every meal is “too daunting” and she can’t finish it. Does she remember that she used to be fat but then she went on blood thinners, the side effects of which are hunger suppression?
  -Her many delusions (she once tried to tell me I was related to Gregory Peck, which was disturbing since I want to travel back in time and bone him)

• The plane landed before I could finish watching The Watchmen. I seriously got aroused by that movie. First it was Dr Manhattan. I have an acutely dysfunctional fetish for humanoid superheroes. The Hulk! Yowzer! I saw The Hulk starring Edward Norton (a hottie by himself) on a date. I got so worked up by Hulky that I wanted to jump my date’s bones but he was having none of it. Then there’s the Beast from Beauty and the Beast mmmmm, I think I’ve mentioned this before. I’m getting Déjà vu. I’m sure there are more humanoids. Back to Dr Manhattan, maybe a reader into the comics can answer this (Sean Ramsey?), it seems like when he’s naked they are blurring out his giant blue dong, right? Because he totally has a giant blue dong, he fucked his hot girlfriend with it. GIANT BLUE DONG! But ultimately it was totally crushing on the bird guy who looks like batman. At first I thought he was a wiener, but then I was like ‘hey, I love wieners’, he’s a doughy nerd but he fights crime and is great at fighting. Oh I love him. I love him.
• When I get on a plane my skin gets really gross, mainly in the form of cruddy lips and a rash around my nose. Also you can’t bring make-up on a plane. Therefore I am NEVER going to join the mile-high club. Unless I meet a blind guy who doesn’t touch my face. I think he’ll have to be a boobs man.
• I started watching Sunshine Cleaning but couldn’t continue for two reasons (1) I was feeling pretty ill and there was some pretty grody shit in it like maggots and blood and stuff. (2) Amy Adams. To me she is a goddess. I know this might be a shocker for some people but I’m not a natural red-head. I love girls with red hair, Jenny Lewis (oooo) the girl from Le Roux (ahhhh). But Amy in this movie, not good. She is usually sew pretty but her character is supposed to be haggard and I can’t deal with the frown lines and the cleaning uniform. I can handle her as a nun but as a single mother cleaner, gross. Okay just kidding but the frown lines ewwwwww.
• I lost my shopping mojo, I hardly bought anything. I can truly say I have felt the global financial crisis now.