Weird and Wacky Facts About Doney

• People are always like "you know you can get fish oil tablets that don't give you reflux right?" but secretly I LIKE the taste of fish oil burps, it's like sushi. Sometimes I'll drink a Diet Coke right after I take them just to enhance the reflux action.

• When I go to McDonalds I get a large meal and a cheeseburger. I call it a "safety burger" and I get it in case I am still hungry after the meal (note: I always am)

• A customer at my work complains about me whenever she comes in for "laughing" and "talking loud". I don't think she liked my Edith Piaf impression the other day.

• When I was a kid I used to wait for my mum to go to sleep, get into a skivvy and my underwear, tie myself to my fisher and paykel play kitchen with a skipping rope and pretend I was Princess Leia when she was Jabba the Hut's slave. I think this says a lot about me.

• When I was a kid my mum used to make mine and my brother's lunch the night before school. One day the lunch boxes were on the counter and my bro and I were all "what are we having for lunch tomorrow???" and she was like "it's a surprise". But we kept nagging her so finally she agreed to let us look. She had put a HUGE FUCKING HUNTSMAN SPIDER in there. This also says a lot about how I turned out.

• OH and sometimes she would leave us in the car to go do something and when she got back in my brother and I would sweetly say "hi mum!" and she would say in a witchypoo voice "I'm not your mother, I'm a witch. I ate your mother and I'm going to eat you!" and we would be all "very funny mum!". Then she would drive to our house then drive past it and keep driving (sometimes around 2 suburbs over) until we started crying.

• I actually was enrolled to do Social Work when I left school solely based on the song Invalid Litter Department by At the Drive-In. Then I took a year off, worked three jobs (two retail, one hospitality) and realised that people fucking suck and I don't want to help them. I could be a pet therapist though.

• My mum hates it when I tell people these stories but she can't get mad because she really did those things.