Saturday, November 05, 2005
Hey Chris?
Current mood: thirsty
"Hey Chris? Whatever happened to Gina Davis? She used to be in movies but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio. Chris? Oh i'll tell you tomorrow."
Friday, November 25, 2005
It was a shock
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
OH NO!!!
Current mood:oh baby
Category: News and Politics
OH NO!!! It's Baberaham Lincoln
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
BFFs
Current mood:Best Friends Forev'r
Category: Friends
Monday, February 13, 2006
Favorite type of cat
Current mood:Please someone buy me a kite
Category: Pets and Animals
Monday, March 06, 2006
Today at my jorbbb
Current mood:almost star struck
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Today at my jobbie this man came in and I was all "I know him! I know him!" as in, he was famous. So I was racking my brain trying to figure out who he was when I realised that he just really looked like McGuiver a whole lot.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Old people smell
Current mood:I have an assignment due tomorrow.
Has anyone ever noticed that some old men wear a cologne that smells like dead ants and wet sand? Or maybe it is just their odour, I always like to tell people that the infamous 'old people smell' is really just the smell of decaying skin. So anyway, I think I only noticed that sand and ant smell recently because I have to catch the bus so much now. Usually if I see that some sandy ant man is looking to sit near me I cough in a phlegm like way without covering my mouth but that backfires because it means I can't scoff at others on the bus disapprovingly when they cough up phlegm. I wish I had nunchucks.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAD THE LAST LAUGH
Current mood:down the rabbit hole
Category: Writing and Poetry
I am a great anecdotalist just like Alan Partridge, which leads me to my new blog subject entitled...
The day I met......THE MATRIX
Today at school I had 15 minutes before class so I went to the library to czech out some cartoons on the webbernet. As I was viewing the first cartoon suddenly in the URL address typey thingy whiteninjacomics.com was erased and replaced with "who is this" and I was all confused and so I deleted this compy ghost's question and tried to go to a different site but they kept asking questions so I typed "hey if this is a real person I am trying to dig some web comics" and so they took control of the arrow and opened wordpad. It was like MSN but on wordpad and really creepy.
Then finally it dawned on me, with the realisation of what was going on I typed: "Morpheus?" to which he replied "LOL" which didn't strike me as something Morphdawg would typically say, I was looking for something more like "follow the brown ferret" or something.
I had been let down, it wasn't Morpheus and I am probably not in The Matrix. I kept saying "how are you doing this" and he was all "what does it matter". It was a mix between The Matrix and that scene in Pretty in Pink where Andie is talking to Blane on the computer at school but they don't know that they are talking to eachother except I don't think I was talking to some babe who was going to "believe in me".
So I said " is this hacking? I never really understood the concept" and they (lets call him/her/it 'Matrix) was all "yeah except usually I do bad stuff when I hack right now I'm just bored". That is pretty much my story except that Matrix had the gall to call me a geek or nerd or something, how rich is that I mean it isn't like I am out hacking into a computer in the library at uni.
Lucy said this was a boring story and she may be right but alls I know is that, if only for a moment, I thought I was in a movie and that makes the whole experience worthwhile.
The end.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
DUCKS
Current mood:icecream castles in the air
Category: Pets and Animals
I was waiting at the bus stop at Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital and you know how there is a body of water there (I don't know what you would call it...like a mini lake? A swamp?) So anyway this middle aged guy in a suit was walking towards the minilakeswamp with a big bag of bread and a duck was following him, you know jus' walkin' with his ol' duck pal. THEN some magpies started swooping the duck so the guy pulled out a rolled up newspaper and chased the magpies trying to hit them HE WAS DEFENDING HIS BEST BUDDY DUCK. I started laughing and then he saw me and I didn't want him to think that it was WRONG to defend his duck so I stretched out my hand towards him as if to symbolise that 'hey middle aged dude it is a-okay with me if you want to defend your favorite duck from magpies'.
It totally reminded me of this one time when these 3 birds seemed to be following this guy and I was in a daze and so I went up to him and said "are those your birds?" he looked at me like I was crazy and was all "no!" and I just sort of mumbled that they were "real pretty" and walked away.
So the whole duck experience made me realise that these holidays have to be more than just getting drunk and being sassy, you know? We need to have ACTUAL FUN (like 'best things in life are free' kinda crap). So we(as in whoever is interested) are going to buy like 10 punnets of strawberries and we are going place bets on how many I can eat before I break out into hives because I am allergic to strawberries. It is going to be AWESOME.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
ZOMBIEZ MAN, ZOMBIES.
Current mood:FEARFUL, FULL O' FEAR.
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
For all those who want me dead just dress up as a zombie, make it really convincing and come over to my house and I would probably rather kill myself than have to deal with the undead. I would have to say that zombies are my biggest fear. I had about a thousand dreams about zombies last night ( a thousand because I would wake up in a cold sweat lots). In said dreams I was a paraplegic so it was really hard to get away from the zombies but I'm lazy even in my dreams so everytime there was a wall I would get up and walk over. I'm so lazy, but I was also scared and I was alllllll hurrrryyy. Everyone was so relaxed around the zombies. It was kind of funny though because when I got out of bed I went outside to say hi to my dog and I stood real still in the wind with a totally straight face and say "something is coming...", I love pretending I am in a shit melodramatic movie. OHHH that reminds me...
...So I have a really good movie idea: a sort of fun, teen movie where there is a party and heaps of underage kids are drinking and doing drugs and they are all having a good time and through the course of the movie totally likeable characters overcome personal obstacles and start going steady with their dream dates, there is heaps of 70s/80s 'feel-good' rock and just after the audience has fallen in love with all the characters they get in their cars to go home and that song from the end of 'Happy Gilmore' is playing and then BAM all their cars collide in a fireball. THEY ALL DIE because drove drunk and stoned.
There is something so beautiful about lulling people into a false sense of security.
Actually when that movie idea is outside my mind it actually sucks ass.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Disney Classics
Current mood:totally crushin'
Why aren't there any boys like Aladdin? He gave his bread to the orphans and he has a monkey, DREAM DATE ALERT!!!
SWF seeking cartoon character with monkey
must like magic carpet rides and sandwiches.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Gemma and the Deathly DVD Garage
Current mood:haagen daaz
Category: News and Politics
Yesterday I went to Shenzhen in China which is just over the border from Hong Kong, it was apparently mega shopping city. I caught the train there, went through immigration and then entered the mall. Let me preface this by saying that I don't like to be touched ESPECIALLY by swindlers calling me missy (EVERYONE calls me missy "missssssyyy come look handbagwatch" or "missyyyy...dvdmovie? dvdmovie? Come see my warehouse missy" one pregnant woman with a mouth full of godknowswhat called me "princess")
So I have all these people touching me and complimenting me which was gross, one of them managed to get a watch on my mum's wrist while she was walking in about half a second. They all called my brother "handsomeboy" and one guy was staring at my brother's face looking confused going "thick face hair" as though he had never seem a beard before, it was weird; he was pointing at his leg hair then his face to try to explain.
My mommm and I were walking along and this girl says "dvdmovie" and we're alllll "yeahhhh" so we follow her up about six levels and then through the dodgiest part of the centre, on the way up another woman came up to us and said "dvdmovie" and our guide said something in chinese that can roughly be translated as "these stupid whiteys are mine bitch". We get to a room about the size of a small bathroom with a garage door we squish in and sit on kids stools AND THEY LOCKED US IN I thought I was going to die, I went through the stages of grief and when finally I had reached acceptance this weird guy climbed into a vent in the roof and came down with DVDs. He wasn't going to let us out until we bought stuff and by that time I had pretty much dookied up my pants so I bought Grey's Anatomy which I am fairly sure is a load of crap because it is 'the complete all season' when it supposed to be season three.
Hong Kong is pretty great except I have almost been hit by about twenty cars because nobody indicates and everyone seems to be really inconsiderate, eg; A clothes store ACTUALLY called Wanko and the people there were actually wankers.
I went to a buffet tonight and ate too much naan which was pretty great, I got to leave the restaurant early and go watch Veronica Mars.
Living in close quarters with people sucks when you are crying about the end of the Harry Potter book (I admit it so eat my whang critical mass) so you have to read it in the bathroom so they think you just have the poops instead. The Best place ever was the Peak which is a tram that goes to the top of a mountain and THERE IS A MALL THERE… wow a mountain AND a mall, I am soooooo lucky. Having a good time but miss people in Perth lots. I am so hot all the time while it seems like you are all cold. I want to go into the ocean so bad but the pollution here is too bad to not die from it. There is my boring China/Hong Kong ramble, I'm sorry if you read the whole thing hoping until the very end for a nugget of interest, I truly am The Timeburglar (my secret identity).
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I’m ever so ill
So I'm a closet hypochondriac, meaning that I constantly think I'm dying of obscure diseases but I know that I'm deluded so I don't tell anyone and I don't go to the doctor.
The other day I noticed that my eyes had been really light sensitive for about a week so I have been trying to remember since then what disease that is a symptom of.
Today I realised that its vampire. I have vampire.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
All the fun to be had
Current mood:We’re gross
Category: Art and Photography
Clare found a recipe for man-goo! You know...coital paste! We're going to make it like a demented kindergarten activity without glitter.
Okay, maybe glitter.
After reading it, it is very similar to the recipe for meringues, or exactly.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
When I Grow Up
Current mood:GO TO BED
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Or when I finish my degree rather I want to work for the *Consumer Protection Agency* uncovering the lies behind those letters that get sent out that claim to be offering a large cash prize for those who respond except you have to give them your phone number and credit card details.
I guess I just really want to know whether or not I will get $55,000 if I buy a book on health for over 30s(that's right Reader's Digest, you better check yourself before I wreck yourself)
I suppose I could do the unthinkable and use my degree to uncover such mail-out scandals, but who would give me a cadetship let alone a job as an investigative journalist? I'm the first to admit that I can't be trusted with coffee and copiers let alone a desk and a deadline, and putting a coherent sentence together obviously.
And then there's the glamour involved with working for the *Consumer Protection Agency*. *sigh*.
I would be a hero, the champion of those dim enough to be duped by The Sweepstakes Committee down at old Reader's Digest.
That's the lyfe4me.
P.s. If I hadn't taken a year off out of school I would be finishing my bachelors in 2 and a half weeks. I literally did nothing in that whole year except buy an obscene amount of dresses and drink an obscene amount of vodka which could have easily been done at the same time as first year.
Just think in 3 weeks I could have been wailing on A. Maddock (president of sweepstakes committee) if I hadn't been such a lazy, drunk bum.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The best day of my lyfe
Current mood: dirty
Category: Life
So here I am lying on my bed dicking around on the internet, watching Veronica Mars when I hear an odd noise outside my window.
It's kinda like a hurling sound so I look out my window and there is some guy barfing in my yard. Obviously I want a closer look so I go out the front and his bogan girlfriend is yelling for him to "hurry the fuck up".
I went to get Clare but alas they were driving away.
We looked for the vom and when we found it it looked like strawberry milk. I accidentally smelled it and was dry wretching(sp?). Clare made so much fun of me.
And this is why today was the best day of my life.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A Rave Review
Current mood:I haven’t slept in 24 hours
Category: Parties and Nightlife
Let me preface this by saying that even if I don't make it as a journalist maybe I can be the one who makes up all the snappy headlines... except I think I learned in first year that the sub-editor does that.
Okay Okay Okay let's talk raving, or more specifically the specific rave I went to tonight.
It was my first time at a rave and by golly did I think someone was going to shank me. I think Clare took for granted that a lot of the people there were scary because she kept sassing people, for instance calling these two hardened criminals douche-bags under her breath and then casually walking away while I mumbled a lie about her being on a bad pill, you know something they can relate to; THAT is how you gain the trust of people who look like a pair of leather handbags smoking cigarettes.
She also touchey'd the ass of a guy who was handling some heavy makeouts on the dance floor. I mean Jesus Clare; these girls would rip you apart and use your intestines as condoms.
Everyone was hilarious. Rave pants, rave pants, rave pants; love of my life, fruit of my loins, bearer of grrrl boners. There was a guy who had rave pants with flames at the bottom and I really wanted to put them out with a fire extinguisher, he might have gotten a bit stabby though.
There were probably 13 year olds there, almost definitely. This guy made me show him my ID because he didn't believe I was 20. He was pretty much 16 years old.
This weird guy kept drinking our water and when I told him every time he would look as though I had shown him a gory sore or like his mommer had just been paralyzed by polio or something. The people there were BAZAAR. Oh and fishnet body suits! Don't get me started on fishnet body suits! Clare thought a guy was like African or something but he was just a whitey wearing a fishnet body suit. He don't let nobody tell him how GAY he looked, he marches to the beat of his own beating off.
So basically I have learned much from these Malaga based ruffians, mostly that if I want get some hot sweaty raver lovin' then I am going to have to invest in some short shorts and a bikini top(ohhhhhhh what an investment, ohhhhhh), even though it is cold enough to freeze my hooters and chip them off into your drink to keep it ICE COLD! Thank you babies, see you when I am a great writer of the feature articles in some flashy magazine in gee I don't know, maybe like Czech Republic or Belarus(sp?), Until I have reached such fame and accord that I bring out some self help gimmick like that retardo 'The Secret' to take advantage of all the losers who basically WANT to give me their money so I can tell them that EVERTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF you douche bags *cough* oh shit is the mic still on?
P.S. - Me, Clare, says to her benefit: I was pretty bored and I thought everyone would be too fuckeeddddd up mannnn to notice I was making fun of them so subtle so smooth xoxoxo yr clare baby grrrl
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Clare and Gemma, best friends forevs and evs.
Current mood:Shelly
Category: Friends
Okay firstly before I tell this epic tale I need you to prepare yourself to look past the gross nature of it and enable yourself to get into the bare grills of the story. I'm going to start from the end of the journey and then move my way backwards because you know, I'm an artist.
Tonight I came into Clare's room and gestured for her to put her hands out so that I could give her something. I placed a small brown object into her long slender hands that I had begun to know so well.
I asked her "do you know what that is?" to which she replied that she didn't.
"That is the shell I found stuck to my vagina the morning after we went to the beach"
She then proceeded to punch, kick and throw shoes at me,
THE END
P.s George Lucas is bidding for the rights.
Friday, April 18, 2008
I am a shitty crappy person
Current mood:tired, boastful, boatsful.
Category: Friends
Last Friday night I finished work at 12.30am (technically Saturday) and went straight to the manor.
I fear seeing my friends drunk when I am sober, they just seem so drunk, so I SKULLED some booze before I went in and got my nasty on.
Once inside I managed to embarrass myself multiple times mainly with accidental innuendo and telling people secrets, you know; the uge (usual).
One really bad thing though that stuck in my mind was when I was putting make-up on in the bathroom and this boganny looking drunkard asked me to do hers.
So I'm in the bathroom doing an absolute shit job at this girls face for about half an hour. The eyeliner keeps smudging but because its chanel it won't come off.
I try scrubbing her face like it was yesterdays bacon pan and telling her I'm giving her 'smokey eyes' and that its all the rage amongst [insert celebrity name here]. Alas there is nothing more I can do, no amount of makeup is going to fix what I've done to this poor girls face.
Looking like a lunatic who's stolen the on duty nurses make-up bag she goes to turn to look at her New Orleans face. I'm getting ready for a quick runaway. She looks at the mess for a minute then turns to me putting her hands on my shoulders and says with tears welling "thankyou...so much".
Also half way through one of her friends came into the bathroom and the girl told her I was a makeup artist. I decided not to correct her and just go with the flow.
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