How To Win At Life

I really like writing "how to's". It means I get to tell everybody what to do, but I'm disguising it as "helpful hints" that I'm kindly giving you, you know, for your own good. I like telling people what to do because I think I'm great. Don't laugh, you probably do it too. Like when your gal is telling you a story about some shit bitch, you're all "The nerve! I would never do anything like that! I can't believe she went there!!" and what you really mean is "everybody should be more like me, then this kinda shit would never happen".

Anyway, in this installment of Everybody Should Be More Like Me, I am going to be addressing the alarming problem affecting each and everyone of us, every day: beef. As in like the rap definition of it. The C.O.D. policy has always been NO BEEF JUST BURGERS, because we can't be bothered holding stupid grudges against stupider people when we could be hi-fiving each other and eating grilled chicken burgers 24/7. That policy doesn't always hold in real life because we get our big dumb feelings hurt all the time and we get angry. Woopsie! Some common things people have beef over:

- anything to do with bfs/gfs/ex-bfs/ex-gfs
- bumping into someone in a bar
- gay shit

I should clarify that when you have a big fight with your best fwends/famiry/bfs/gfs, that's not beef. That's a fight and it's probably about something important and you should yell a lot until things work out. Beef normally involves people who are not crucial to your every day life.

BUT beef is annoying nonetheless. It means you can't go to that party cause whatshisface will be there and you can't go to that bookshop because SHE might be working etc. LIFE IS TOUGH. Imagine if you had beef with someone who worked at Nandos and you could never get Nandos again. It would be so sad!!! You are probably crying right now. Donut worry, I've come up with a fool proof solution!

The solution: faking it. Whoah. Next time someone "makes eyes" at your boyfriend or has sex with your ex-best friend who you used to have a crush on, fake like you don't care. I've faked that I don't care for so long that I ACTUALLY don't care anymore. I can eat at any Nandos in the tri-state area! Faking it is also a good way to resolve beef that has already started and will probably never end. Just be all "Hey, look I don't rly care anymore, let's just truce!". You're lying! It doesn't matter cause they don't matter!

I guess the real solution is not caring and realising that 99% of social drama is retarded. Like are you really gonna still care about someone making out with your bf/gf/ex-bf/ex-gf in 2 years time? Yah no. And I fall over so much on my own it doesn't really matter about someone knocking me at the Scotsman and if someone makes fun of me, I never really had a ego in the first place. Yeah!

Faking is still fun though, when it comes to people that don't really matter. I fake that I like all my co-workers but I really only like this one old lady. I fake that I like my classmates but they are pretty much all giant knobs. I fake that I like customers but I want to eat their faces off. I have to fake-like and then sometimes I actually like. Wouldn't it be weird if you could outwardly hate everyone until they prove themselves to be decent human beings? TOPSY-TURVY!! The only time my faking really ends is when I'm on public transport and I death stare anyone who looks at me. I don't know, being grumpy just looks cuter when you're on a bus.

Some people think that "being fake" is a bad personality trait. Um I have like 300 facebook friends (not really). They're all into it. It's like some people think "being judgemental" is a bad personality trait. I'm obviously milking that one too. Fake-like like there's no tomorrow!!

Love Clare xoxo