Laura C.

I totally forgot about these pics! This real life drunk timeline is from a couple years ago when Laura and I used to be chatroom moderators.



Stage one



Stage two



Stage three

She will probably ask me to delete this since she is going to be a big city lawyer some day.

Yahoo Answers

Today I posted my first ever question on Yahoo Answers. I was expecting real advice (that's what its for, right?). Instead I mostly got judged by some internet losers who call eachother by their first names even though they have never met, and probably the closest they get to eachother is when their avatars on Second Life says "hai" to eachother before flying off to play guitar (everything I know about Second Life is from the American Office).

Here was my question:

How do I convince my little sister that I am secretly her mother?

I want to play an elaborate joke on my sister. We are ten years apart and I would have had to be ten years when I "had" her however she is not very smart. She also refused to take part in the sex ed classes offered at her school due it freaking her out too much, so her knowledge of the female reproductive system in limited.

I once convinced her that the island we were staying on in Singapore had dinosaurs on it so this shouldn't be too hard.

Please advise.

Here were my replies:

Jade Marie: ermm personally, i wouldn't play a practical joke like that because she might not ever trust you again because that is rather serious.

My response: Newsflash bitch: she doesn't trust me, that ship has sailed my friend. I have called her pretending to be a boy she likes, I have hijacked her facebook status to say she has pooped her pants. DEAL.

Galichealer: I agree with Jade you should not do that to your sister. She may be traumatized by what you want to tell.her. It is kind of cruel of you to even think of doing that to her.Your her older sister by 10 years you should be more mature and try to be a good example to her. You should not be mean to her.

My response: Your questions and answers are set to private making it hard for me to make fun of you. Well played.

Jean: Wouldn't it be better to do something for your little sister that helps her to respect and love you. You could actually be the person she looks up to. How smart is it to play jokes of this kind on her?

My response: She has known me for 13 years, I am beyond gaining her respect and love. Also, I think it is very smart to play an elaborate trick like this, it shows innovation, initiative and creativy.

Myzygo2: LOL .......
Cool.
That should freak her out. Family and friends should get a good laugh.
Have fun.

My response: Not really an answer but thanks for the support buddy!

Rachelle anne Zamori: Okay, she's gullible but she's onto you. She knows that you saying incredibly outlandish things stands a chance of not being true, so we'll take a two-pronged approach:
-Understate the case
-Hit her with overwhelming and emotionally shocking evidence.

Understatement is the easy part. I'm guessing that slipping the topic into a conversation will be easy for you, say, by talking about menstrual pains and then following it with 'well, at least it's nothing compared to forcing your head between my flaps'.

Secondly, you need the evidence. You'll need doctored photos of you pregnant, in labour, and holding her as a baby (you'll have to find some pictures of you at age ten) and a forged birth certificate. You'll need a middle-aged man who can wear a stethoscope and fake being a doctor. You'll probably have to fake a few shameful news articles culminating in your formerly-religious parents running from the town and setting up a new life somewhere else.

And, of course, you have to fake deep-seated emotional and relationship issues going back a decade. You'll do just fine.

My response: FINALLY someone using yahoo answers right and giving an honest answer to an honest question. Although the "you'll do just fine" at the end suggests it could possibly be a burn. TEVS, going to use her advice anyway. I think she is a porn star so she can't judge me.

So yeah, Yahoo Answers is a LOAD.

Axe Gemmer

Dear COD,

I am a young man living in Northbridge. I can tie my own shoes and can sing all of Westside Story from memory

Why am i so lonely? Is my lack of self-esteem? I would understand if that is the case because I am pretty shit, and i do apologise for it.

Tell me how to find "the one". And by that i mean anyone that doesn't end up being physically abusive over six years. Note: Totally good at putting up with crazy.

Much love
-Sleepless in Seattle (due to sexual frustration)

Dear Sleepless in Seattle,


Firstly, can I just say that -whatever the opposite of loneliness is- is OVERRATED. The middle of my bed now has a ditch in it from sleeping alone and it is comfortable, like a nest, I call it my lonely-lady-slump (the other day I found honest-to-goodness CHIPS in it, they were delicious). Also, I have a uni friend over every Tuesday and so today I had to clean my apartment! It was horrible. Today I ate...

• a bowl of special k
• 2 poptarts
• 2 hashbrowns
• 1 you'll love Coles lasagne (that had been completely defrosted and then refrozen)
• 5 slices of Jarlsberg cheese

...and I didn't have to share any of it. I think you get the picture.

So anyway, I think you need to get out of your comfort zones. For instance I am (as I write this) setting up an Eharmony account. From what I gather Eharmony is a more romantic, less sleazy version of adultmatchmaker. On that note, don't discount adultmatchmaker; I have had some fun on that site. I only deleted it because my then bf was getting upset, Clare accused me of doing it for the self-esteem boost (a model wanted to have sex with me) and because people kept messaging me saying things like "I drove past UWA today and thought of you" and "homg I live in Dalkeith, you should come over"

Another way to get out of your comfort zone is to go to clubs that you wouldn't usually go to. I went to Club Bayview on Thursday for the first time in 5 years and some thick necked date rapists were giving me the eye (guys I wouldn't usually go for) but hey, try anything once right? I used to hate olives and now I eat them like they're bedchips. I am seriously considering going to clubba all the time, they played Kesha!

You could also try faking confidence; bitches can smell fear on a dude. I spend a lot of my time pretending that I don't need to wear glasses, even when DRIVING because they're dorky. I was considering doing the whole she's-all-that thing, you know, wear glasses and baggy clothes for a year and then BAM take them off and have everyone fall in love with me. But that's a year of my life GONE.
Finally, “the one” is a crock of shit. Look at Brad Pitt, he thought Jen Aniston was “the one” but he was wrong. WE WERE ALL WRONG.

So in conclusion, I don't really know why you are asking me about combating loneliness, in the words of Jack Donaghy: I am the Picasso of loneliness. I could understand if you had emailed me about dealing with and settling in with your loneliness like it’s an invisible cat, I have been doing it for two years now (in March 2012 I get my degree, just before the world ENDS).

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful to you.

Regards,

Doney.

If you have any questions for Axe Gemmer you can send them to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

Tom Marvolo Kibble found a home!

STOP WORRYING.

I am kind of annoyed that this lady is getting all these props for adopting this cat, I would have TOTALLY adopted this cat but I live in Australia and can't afford the shipping of a text book I need for class let alone a cat. I would make a great cat lady; I live alone and have a non-existent sense of smell due to the myriad of smells in my apartment (confusing me at every turn).

Blink One Eight Spew

Who knew there were so many Tom Delonge fans out there?

tom delonge 104

vaginoplasty 5

warwick capper 4

creed the office 3

sucking cock 3

vaginoplasty photos 3

big fat granny 2

creed from the office 2

creed office 2

elvis presley - king creole 2

Gemmer, can you please make a photochop of Tom Delonge gaping at Warwick Capper getting vaginoplasty while a big fat granny sucks Creed from The Office's cock, and everyone is litening to Elvis Presley - King Creole?

I want to break the ninnynet.

Happy VD everyone!

Awkward

Someone just reminded me that I met an English dude at a party on Friday night, said "whoh, that dude is more English than a root canal" and continued to refer to him as "root canal" for the rest of the night.

Tom Marvelo Kibble

An animal shelter in the US thinks that nobody will want to adopt this cat (who has had his nose and ears have been due to cancer) because he looks too much like Voldemort. What the hul??? Who WOULDN'T want a cat that looks like Voldemort. This cat looks fucking awesome.

Meme Girls

Gemmer's Internet Thursdays

(Just kidding, haven't seen The Dark Knight, don't get it)




I read The Hobbit in 2002, suck it nurdz!



Sad Keanu is getting sadder



Homg I've already met Buffalo Bill? Be still my beating heart!



Accurate



Would you eat a pizza made by Gary Busey? Of course you would.





Insensitive.



Either make a "kitteh" play an instrument or force a retarded person to sing a pop song in your kitchen...and they shall come.



I lub historical fiction? Have they booked Chabon to write the screenplay?



Lost: a letdown? In what universe was it NOT going to be a letdown?? Everyone is stupider than the polar bear that Sawyer kills with a gun *spoiler alert*



This is what I tell myself every time I remember that I have an outstanding street drinking fine from last year (if bike cops were in The Wizard of Oz they would be the flying monkeys).





If I had asian parents then I would be a brilliant pianist/ physicist/ deli owner right now (from the writers of "Top Gear").




Oh god, I am so sick of Anne Hathaway, you know she is EXACTLY like her annoying character in Love and Other Drugs (except without the Parkinson's).

Ps. Her tits are shit.



Inception: full of awful plot holes and generally shit writing (whoh we are in a dream inside a dream where the "goofs" section of IMDB doesn't exist...I can has continuity?)




Did you ever know that you're my heroooo? And all the gas I have after beeeef?




You know what they say...racism sells (matresses).

Oh and Ps. there is a blog called Tampontears.com run by a widowed single parent who loves UB40, Mumford and Sons, Jesus and placing green text on an orange background (whyyyyyyyyyy?)

This is the best thing I have ever seen

An average Saturday night for Donut

Huge snugglers

"I'm see through"

His lil spider monkey

All I want for Christmas is you

Uuggh I hate working out... the things we do for love

My internet crush is on the internet

I really loved this

My favorite type of person is one with a little vision and a lot of spare time