Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Making It!!

OMG I totally got asked to be a REAL LIFE band photographer! Here is the email:

I have an indi band, I would love it if clare could take our promo photos please.
this is not a joke!


So Andrew, please let me know when the next indi band show is on so I can take some more hot action shots. I will also experiment with flash on and flash off settings and perhaps even portrait and landscape orientations!!

Love Clare xoxo

P.S. - AM if you let me be bass player in Taco Leg I would still take photos in between songs.
P.P.S. - Happy barfday Jane Donut!! Let's hope you'll start acting a bit more mature from now on.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Going Places

The internet/real world connection is really bugging me out right now. I can't believe the internet goes in real life too. I don't buy stuff from the internet. I don't get fired because of the internet. I don't lose my money on the internet. I am not famous on the internet. I should probably make something of myself on the internet cause it seems real easy.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Irrational Fear #1000000

You know when 5 star shows like Today Tonight and A Current Affair do segments on fatties how they have footage of people's big butts walking around the city?

Everytime I am in the city and there is a camera crew there I am sure i'll be watching TT or ACA later that night and I'll be like "hey! I have that fatty's shorts...oh".

So yesterday morning there was a camera crew in the city and the dude was moving the camera around really quickly so I'm holding my butt hopping around trying to get out of the shot.

I mean, how dumb is that? As if the fatty pics aren't stock pics, they wouldn't go get new footage every time.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


I'm also a photographer!! How bummed are you about Polaroid film! OK so not really. I just bought a digital camera couple weeks ago. I was real excited about it, the dude at the store was probably all "Welcome to 1999 dickhead".

I take my camera with me everywhere. School, work, WHATEVER. It has three settings: auto, flash on and flash off. I'm destined for greatness.

So at the Scotsman last night when a bread fight started I was like THIS IS IT THIS IS IT. Good thing I have my gamera to document this monumental moment. Here are the pictures I took:






Please note how I totally captured the intensity of the situation by not getting a picture of bread/throwing/anything at all. I pretty much just took pictures of people standing in a carpark.

So if anyone wants to hire me to take pictures of their band playing live, or hire me as a P.I. to catch out your cheating lovers, plz let me know at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com. I've done some mock-ups of what the pictures might look like:

Love Clare xoxo

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

adjust yr insides

in about 10 weeks (after i save some cash) i am going too melbourne so i can go too the american apparell store (amongst other things). 
ppl keep telling me, its wrong, why donut i just shop online? then i donut have too buy an air fair and i can spend more on products. well thats just not the way i think.. i want too go too the ACTUAL store, where the dardys work, and where you can buy ALL the stuff. not just certain stuff. i want suspenders. HEY i dont have too pay for postage and handling, wooo.
anyway, i just wanted you all too know so incase you wanted too come with me you can start saving now.
plus, we are having a yardsale in a couple of weeks too raise funds. because lets face it most of us suck our own balls on the saving wagon. (well i do)
what are other exciting things too do in melbourne?
ive only been once and i spent most of that time in my so called "friends" room becase she was having a fight with her housemate so she went too her boyfriends house (lame)
needless too say i spent most of my time being entertained by a homo dance student and most of the entertainment was me yelling out "JAZZ!" or "TAP!" or my personal favourite "BROADWAY!" at random intervals and he would bust out for me.
it was kind of annoying though because he majored in 'interpretive dance' which i find really fking annoying and gay. i dont cry like thoose american idol judges, i cringe.
so yeah, in conclusion, HELP ME PLAN AN EXCIOTING JOURNEY!!
dont let the interpretive dance students of melbourne, once again, taint my view of the fair city.

One Time..

..I had a shower with a dude and I'm pretty sure he peed on me. I'm not sure why I was just thinking about this, but I don't think I'm mad about it. Does this mean I am secretly into golden showers? Maybe I am into all kinds of things that I donut even realise I am...


You know you are bored and lonely when you ACTUALLY get bummed that these movies haven't opened yet.
  • 17 Again: Matthew Perry gets every middle aged dude's dream of becoming Zac Efron
  • Dragonball Evolution: live action version with some cute dude playing Goku
  • I Love You, Man: movie about bromance with my number one celeb crush of all time Jason Segal
  • Star Trek: Sylar from Heroes plays Spock!!!
  • Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen: I really have nothing to say about this except that I have watched the trailer like 10 times. It isn't even that good.
  • Adventureland: pretty much only seeing this for Kristin Wiig
  • Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: the movies are always so bad because neither Harry or Hermione can act. Ron is good though, I like him.
  • The Boat That Rocked: from the director of Love Actually? SOLD!!!

Monday, March 23, 2009


okay, so i am feeling a little bored today but donut feel like leaving the confines of my bedroom so have resorted too staying in bed on the internet googling chronicles of dardia (as you do)

RESULT: found alot of link backs too teknoscape (thanks gracey) and also found these two pieces of information which i found interesting..

"chronicles of dardia... this is random rantings from kid/girl who im assuming lives in leederville and does an arts degree. random topics range from knowing yore vagina has 3 holes to reviews of a shaver. all the post are quite intriguing if a little left of centre. A+ my lady."

"i am moving to perth!.... what other city celebrates narwhals with a crazy arse statue on one of their finest beaches? damn, perth is just killing it in terms of the source of my favourite new reads. first it was truly henious and now i have found a raft of killer blogs (chronicles of dardia, longneck and 40, HAF, yeah homie, seymoure scagnetti and full metal sean) it appears that these guys are working off each other and have set up their own style of writting... there some really interesting study into the perception of subcultures what it suggested was when someone was external to a subculture they cannot see the difference between the group, it is only when you have higher involvement that you realise the difference between the group of people. if i was in perth i couldve well been a part of this killer event! i love lowriders and i love a good cruise aswell.. and no, i am not moving to perth..."


i think ive figured out my problem, why im not successfull, a genius, model, why i make so many typos, or whatever.
its because when i watched the matrix, i thought "this is it, theyve explained everything, how could they ever follow something like this up?! its a revoloution!" when really there are 2 sequels.
that i havent bothered too watch and i have been completly ignorant of their exsistance.

well, atleast i KNOW what my problem is. atleast im not wandering round like "WHY OH WHY, i havent futhered my education, i have work retardation and my finest pleasure in life is feeding ducks by the pond and then stealing their babys too be my pets, WHY?"

damn you morpheus, in the words of geminem "follow the brown poo*"

*changed for insulting reasons


in the past two days i...

flowers in the attic (shit)
house of yes (shit)
charade (funny)
practical magic (haha)

gossip girl #1 (sexcellent)
ice haven (fucktastic)
twentieth century eightball (bonerinducing)

phoenix united
roxy music
world of morrissey

fruit salad
french onion dip
peach iced tea

there, i bet you wish yr time was filled with as many pleasures as mine! (right)
i think i might go for a ride today, i need some fresh air.

buy my love mcdreamy

Sunday, March 22, 2009


Shit things I have done at various jobs.

Small Retail Store: Lady asks for separate bags for all her small items, I say "are you sure? That isn't really environmentally friendly of you" she says "listen girly I've been shopping since before you were born" I reply with "listen LADY I know you've probably been shopping since the Cretaceous period, it doesn't give you the right to have separate bags for all your chopsticks". I find it hard to believe she didn't complain but my boss never mentioned it to me, they probs realised she was a bitch.

Pizza Joint: Played Moldy Peaches "Steak for Chicken" rally loud while a group of kids in the store. (Not that bad).

IGA: Went to Club Bayspew (shame) with Lucy the night before I was due to work at 6am, got rally fucking drunk, decided to quit. Woke up at 9am in City Beach at some dude's house in his dog's bed with a thousand missed calls from my mum and work. Turns out that day was the first day the fruit and veg manager was to open the store and he didn't know how to work the till (it isn't rocket science). Since I was the only person rostered on, when I didn't turn up he freaked out. He went outside to tell he gaggle of shoppers why he wasn't letting them in and locked himself out. My boss then has to drive from Rockingham to Mosman Park at 6.30am to let Fruitnveg dude back in. I didn't even get fired, I worked there for another year.

I also told my boss's 10 year old daughter that the business was failing and called the other daughter 'Feces Face' repeatedly.

And I came in one time at 6am on a Saturday off my guts drunk with dude, walked around the store eating yesterday's cheesemite scrolls talking to Clare (also drunk but actually working) until my boss told me to leave.

Current Job: when I first started, to handle the hours I would take some 'stimulants' that would also loosen my tongue. One night I told everyone I wanted to sell my dirty undies on the Internet. Still haven't lived it down. Still want to sell my undies on the Internets.

Read pretty much the whole Twilight series while I was supposed to be working.

Called in drunk about 20 times, once citing "bug bites" as my excuse.

But I'm all grown up now, no more being shit at work.

Give me a job everybody.


Cartoon Characters I Would Make Sweet, Uninibited Love To

1) Nathan Explosion: All girls who date sensitive hipsters who could fit into your jeans from when you were 12 (and do!) have a secret biff craving. Explosion is the silent brooding type, he's built and he rocks the fuck out. We could make pop-pop on his moto-byke.

2) Beast: Sure I'd bang him in human form but I'm going to freak you out and say I'd boff him as Beast. I'm defs not into beastiality or nuthing (I almost went vigilante justice when I found out a dude in Perth was bragging about doing dogs) but the beast is a metaphor, a hot sexy metaphor. He's super angry and tough yet caring and deep.

3) Moe Syzlak: Cuz I feel sorry for him (and I could like TOTALLY skip the line at his bar!!! OMGZZZ!!!)

4) Ben Tennyson: In the series where he's older. I totally dig how they started out with a light hearted cartoon and then his gramps dies and now its hella dark.

5)Howl: No explanation needed

6) Fry: He's a dumb slob but I'm a masochist so it would work out. Plus he likes dogs (everyone cried in Jurassic Bark).

7) Vegeta: So fine, be mine. When I lived with my parents I had access to ALL of DBZ which is way hard to watch in for 6 hours at a time before anything would happen. Still worth it.

8) Harvey Birdman: A lawyer? Mom would die!

9) Shang: He is cute and ambitious and we could have really cute Eurasian babies together

10) Haku: A man AND a dragon. He's totally serious and rally rally nice.

11) HotRod/ Rodimus Prime: Physically impossible but a girl can dream, didn't you see bicentennial man? Is was hells crap.

I also like The Hulk but I'm saving that one for therapy.

I'm tired, I'm going to bread.

Reckless 12 Year Olds

I still consider what is to follow one of the worst things I have ever done.

I've always been a sucker when it comes to peer pressure, I seem like I'm my own woman but I'm not. I actually belong to anyone willing to suggest that I do something mean/dumb/dangerous.

At a sleepover in year 7 a couple of my friends attempted to call another friend (lets call her Rashrex). They found however that they had muddled the last two numbers when they encountered a foreign male voice on the end of the line.

"Hi is Rashrex there?"
"no, wrong number" he replied "but if you want to call back later for a chat that would be okay". Shah was a mid-thirties Iranian who I'm pretty sure told me once that he was an illegal immigrant. This is a poor, sad, shy and lonely dude who probably had to leave his country to avoid being murdered. So what do we do? We call him EVERY weekend at sleepovers pretending to be a 21 year old called Vicky.

To my recollection we got him 'worked up' (slutty, slutty 12 year olds). Even though we all had different interpretations of Vicky (one girl even had a lisp!) he never caught on, but his BFF Nile (sp?) did. He was always trying to catch us out in a lie.

These phone calls went on for weeks until one weekend I convinced him to give me his address so I could send nude photos. It turned out he lived right near our primary school. We made a fake petition and went to his crummy apartment after school on the false premise of him signing it.

Meeting Shah was the pinnacle, we never called him again. We did however quite cruelly call out his name whenever he walked past our school at lunch or recess.

I think he caught on then.

And that was my brief yet eventful foray into the popular group.

After a marathon Shah call one time we decided to watch one of my friend's brother's pornos called Juicy Lucy. I was literally quite disturbed by it but my "friends" spread a rumour that I got turned on by the lez scene.

Sooooooo Mean Girls.

I left them to hang out with a weird English girl who would go on to get a nose job for her 14th birthday, a girl who was obsessed with Bart Simpson and a girl who would always fart loudly whenever she sneezed...WINNERS!!!

Love from the donut

ATTN: All Dardies

Why don't you guys all meet up, have a beer have a laugh, and then come to UWA so I have something to look at between classes? Jesus sometimes at school I wonder why I even bother to have EYES.

spoke too soon

i ended up back at the hospital for 3 days! catastrophe of the kidney, kidney kerplunk, kidney kerput!
i was the only person in my ward able too walk without assistance...
the coolest thing that happened in my little horror-day stay was: 
1# i saw this elite gang of wheelchairs appropriately named "the RAD 12" because there were 12 of them. and they were for radiology. i wish i couldve taken a picture and given it too the rad lads.
2# i had a kidney biopsy and i saw what they took out and it was like little specimens from the innner depths of my kidney and it sounded scary but it wasnt actually.
3# i got moved from a single room too a ward and the HOTTEST dude ever was wheeling my bed. he was all "apologetic" and i was all "face like poetry, shut up and drive"

anyway, im home again (woo!)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

an average wednesday?


so the last couple of days i have felt less than zero. not being able too do normal things like.. eat or ride my bike, walk or generally anything that requires me too be out of bed/moving. okay, just exsisting seemed hard.
(side note, yesterday i barfed frm drinking applejuice!)
today i went too the doctor and shes all "possible appendicitis" and im all "WAA?" so got sent too the hospital for further research.
dude, my urine is like gold in this place... one person takes it, looses it then they want ANOTHER sample (previously had already given one too my doctor so it was third time a charm?) when theyre not allowing fluids, the power too muster up phantom wee is almost non exsistant.
also the phrase "when/how was yr last bowel movement?" will be a constant topic of conversation. seriously, yr going too have too explain it too atleast four people so get friendly and in touch with yr outputs.
this nurse came in and was all "WELL yr nt pregnant haha" too which i seemed kind of dumbfounded "uhhh.. i never thought i was..." she was all "LOL we have too check".
well, cool, yeah, awesome! now stab my hand with needles, take my blood and gemme one of thoose fluid bags. also, feel my stomach, no i want 3 seperate surgeons too do it please.
my mother and i checked the clipboard when the nurse wasnt looking and they had noted A. i was pale B. i was "soft"
my conclusion of the trip too the hospital was; its scary being wheeled around in a bed not really knowing where the hell yr going, random ppl touching you, the awkward moment where they ask you too put on the robe and you dont know wethar they mean for you too be naked or not, the blue curtains are kind of cute, old ppl get sick alot, i donut have too get my appendix removed, yeah :)


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Wee Wah?

COD minus Nina + Rachael "2 Holes" McGee went on a little day trip down to the greatest tourism destination in WA on Monday, Mandurah. While we didn't pick up crabs (with our vaginas or in our mouths) we did take in the sights, which involved walking along the foreshore aimlessly and perving on dudes driving silly cars shirtless while wearing caps.
The main attraction was of course, the op shops. We all cleaned up, and apart from a whole shitload of clothes for $23.45, I also managed to buy a sweet tv for 4 bucks, and a copy of a book I have basically been wanting to read my whole life, Valley of the Dolls.

I finished Valley today and I needed to share my GIANT disappointment with the world. I'm not sure whether I had built it up in my head as being an amazing piece of work or something, but it was like a subpar Jackie Collins without any of the sex scenes to mazz to. It did make me want daily shots of demerol and to able to order everyone round cus "I'M A STAR! THERE'S NO ONE ELSE LIKE ME!." though. In order to not let anyone else fall into this trap, I'm going to recommend some amazing pieces of trash fiction that won't let you down.

1. Flowers in the Attic - Virginia Andrews

An absolute classic. Virginia Andrews really outdid herself here. Everybody reads it for the (omg!) arsenic doughnuts and the (double omg!) incest sex scene. Don't let the V.C. Andrews newish books sucker you in though, it's just her estate trying to wring some blood out of a rock. Could almost be a Virginia Andrews plot, really. You should also definitely read all of the books in this series.

2. Hollywood Wives/Hollywood Kids/Hollywood Husbands - Jackie Collins

The best out of ol' Jackie. Pretty self explanatory really. You know what to expect - cheating husbands, cheating wives, orgies, a surprisingly lacking amount of drugs except for in passing commentary in Hollywood Kids, the lone wolf falls in love with the lone lioness. You will finish all of them in a week, guaranteed.

3. Sweet Valley High/University/Senior Year - Francine Pascal/Kate Williams/A million other ghostwriters.

I was really worrying about including this, because SVH is a whole lot more than trashy fiction. I could wax lyrical about the ramifications/benefits for society these books have had and how important they are to several generations and how this generation has nothing that comes even close to it, but I won't. Read SVH up until about book 105 - after that it kind of degenerates into werewolves, vampires, becoming princesses in France and other such "Simpsons-esque" back to reality at the start of every book kind of schlock. University is another deal though. Losing yr v plates, having a stalker, getting married, oh my! Rumour has it that there is another series coming up soon entitled Sweet Vally Heights or Sweet Valley Confidential. They all live in a gated community and are late 20s - early 30s. This is the most exciting news I have ever heard. (I own over 100 Sweet Valley books.)

Bonus tip - As a general rule, anything that deals with family secrets over generations in one book, is going to be up there with the trashy goodness.

2-hole Ronit

Tonight as an excuse for Tuesday night drinking Rachael and Alana came to my porch for some wino.

Upon much discussion of intercourse and the sexy bases generally I discovered that Ronit (Rachael) believed womyn to have only two holes in her hoohah area, namely a hole for poo* and the occasional mysterious finger and a hole for blood, dicks and wee.

Upon this realisation my housemate Betty brought out a diagram of the vageeni and told her that girls have three holes and (amazingly) we do not wee from the same hole we get boned in.

Rachael up until now would actually take her tampon out to pee so it wouldn't get soaked.

This has made me worried. If a 20 year old girl is oblivious to her third hole then how confused must dudes be? Do they think that we might pee on their johnson while they are boning us? Are they ignorantly munching on the urethra while going down?

Ladies and (especially) gents THIS is a vagina.

And this is professor vagina.

(hopefully you won't have to worry about this one).

*girls don't poo (this is a wild myth).

Blogs Aboot Blogs

Whenever I used to get bummed out that someone was totally copying me at school (p.s. - how much of a big deal was that in like year 9 or whatever?) my momma/internet friends (jk but not really) would say that imitation was the highest form of flattery. They should have just said I was being a whiny little bitch because it was normally that someone bought the same CD as I did and wore their hair in a high ponytail or something else completely original and unique like that. I was establishing myself as an individual!

A while ago I went to SHAPE and headed straight for the john because that is what I do. I really love the bathroom. I haven't been to ol Shape for ages and I was totes surprised to see the toilet had been bombed with .blogspot.com tags not concerning the C.O.D.!!! Me and Gracey used to be the Shape poster girls, we handed out fliers for after parties at festivals and said "We're gonna be there, don't come!!" No one came. Anyway I was all RIVAL BLOG ON OUR TURF but then I forgot about it.

At the Friday the 13th party at the Manor a scary ghostie came up to me and asked if I was from Chronicles of Dardia. BLOGINIZED!!! She gave me her blog business card, wtf btw ghostie, and it was the one from the SHAPE girls barfrooms. So I czeched it out just then and it has a ridic public b.j. photo that is causing a stir. Everyone go look: www.loversandlobbers.blogspot.com.

That's the ghostie.

I real like the premise of Ghostface Killah's blerg ie taking photo of grossies making out/off their jaws BUT I have a little beef here. SpaceGhost is using the "donut" for "do not" switch amongst other lingo that basically spells out "classic C.O.D." Back it up back it up ghostie, you are totally buying the same The Cure C.D. that we just bought (in year 8) and you're wearing your school socks like we do etc etc etc. That being said, I like your lob hate and you were real nice in person and you danced with Bowser and you asked me to write about this AND I AM MY OWN WOMAN but I did anyway.

Love Clare xoxo
p.s. - something weird and gross is happening with my ear. who am i? gemma?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

11 y/o Trash Talk

I totally forgot to say that when my sister came home from school on Thursday I was all "Hey the hormone factory called while you were at school, they said they sent you way too much testosterone, not enough estrogen" to which she replied "well you have thrush".


What the Shit?

I promised my mum I wouldn't do any more posts about my little sister but how can I resist when her PRINCIPAL is making her go on this website to learn about puberty (she is 11).

A run down of thehormonefactory.com

There is a weird gurgling sound while you view the site, it is freaking me out.

"Good touching is when friends & family touch you & you feel good & safe. Bad touching is when you feel scared, or it hurts.
Some people like to touch children in a sexual way, or make children do sexual things. This is wrong. Sometimes it is a person the child knows & loves, a bigger kid or an adult. It is against the law for an older person to touch a child in a sexual way."

Okay so I know it is important to make kids weary of pedos but seriously this is enough to blow a kids mind and/or make them fear all of their uncles. My sister is already worried enough about global warming and the recession. She freaked out when she was told people touch THEMSELVES.

"Keeping safe from creepy people who want to talk about sex stuff in chat rooms."

Or just don't go on chatrooms, you are 11.

"Most kids think bullying is wrong but they don’t know how to stop it. Sometimes they even do it! Other kids say they don't bully as they'd feel ashamed for picking on someone weaker. If you're being bullied here are some things to try that might help."

"Sometimes it helps to tell yourself ‘those guys are idiots, I’m OK’."

"Sometimes it helps to tell them to stop it in a really strong voice."

"Sometimes it helps to act like you don’t care (then it is no fun for the bully)."

"Sometimes it helps to say something funny, or ‘yeah, if you say so’."

Or you can find their weakness, a girl bullied me once but I knew her mum didn't love her and her stepdad pushed her down the stairs and I used that to my advantage.

"Sex is not just about kissing and getting sexy. And sex is not just about making babies. Puberty means your body's sex bits start to grow into adult sex bits, so you might want to know more. Everybody goes through it. Ask your parents.
Sometimes people are embarrassed to talk about sex. It is good to ask questions and learn more, because sex is part of being human."

Geting sexy? This site is for 10 to 12 year olds WTF. When I was 11 I spent my down time reading Paul Jennings and collecting pictures of the Spice Girls.

Also don't tell my sister to ask her parents because she reads that as ask Gemma. They also talk about STDs and mazzing in this section, AT LEAST wait until they are 14 to discuss this.

Apparently this is an orgasm.

In conclusion: I learned everything I needed to know from Judy Blume. Sure you might say "that gemmer, she ain't well adjusted" but I blame that on the fact that I accidentally watched Flowers in the Attic when I was 7.

axe gemmer email account abuse

Dear Account User
This Email is from Hotmail Customer Care and we are sending it to every Hotmail Email User Accounts Owner for safety. we are having congestions due to the anonymous registration of Hotmail accounts so we are shutting down some Hotmail accounts and your account was among those to be deleted. We are sending this email to you so that you can verify and let us know if you still want to use this account. If you are still interested please confirm your account by filling the space below.Your User name, password, date of birth and your country information would be needed to verify your account.
Due to the congestion in all Hotmail users and removal of all unused Hotmail Accounts, Hotmail would be shutting down all unused Accounts, You will have to confirm your E-mail by filling out your Login Information below after clicking the reply button, or your account will be suspended within 24 hours for security reasons.
* Username: .............................. * Password: ................................ * Date of Birth: ............................ * Country Or Territory: ................
After following the instructions in the sheet, your account will not be interrupted and will continue as normal. Thanks for your attention to this request. We apologize for any inconveniences.
Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update his/her account after two weeks of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently.

Sincerely,The Windows Live Hotmail Team

Nice try debbiehyang@hotmail.com

Next time pretend to be Tom from myspace.

youre so last summer

L: do ppl worry about you?
N: no, im not the one who needs an intervention.
L: but yr weird..
M: yeah yr weird!
N: if by weird you mean i TALK i guess i am. if i wasnt here who would keep you guys entertained? it would be dead boring if i wasnt here. but that word kind of hurts my gay feelings, im not a bad person or anything like that.
M: im a really good person, i helped my highschool friend get her dying husband his last wish... a dog
N: what kind of dog?
M: a shitzu
N: are you fking kidding me? that dog is totally for HER. dudes want man dogs, tough dogs like bull terriers and pitt bulls and boxers. they want too call them big strong man names like bruce or bruiser. you cant call a goddamn shitzu bruiser can you? 
M: i cant help it. im a giver.. all i do is give give give i dont take, im not a taker. im just so generous.
N: im overwhelmed by yr generosity, as a homosexual you would make a generous lover, you know, the giving and all...
M: shut up


last night i went too a brobq in YOKINE, my first time in the beloved suburb. drunk on port. went out, (bikeless) new haircuts for dardys, fk off im dancing!

saw smith, smith donut remember me. i am glad, he is kind of annoying. especcially when he says "well if you love the smiths, youll love me - my _ _ _ _ name is smith! WOWZERS!" 
please hit me in the face with a brick? PLEASE!
if a dude donut even know how too make a decision when ordering a burger its all 'see ya!'

(ps) i am not this cool and ruthless in real life, only on the internet. win me over with storys about how you "accidentaly" weed yr pants when you were drunk. the other day. tell me its happened more than once, ill care alot. then we have each others back catalogue, cool.
this morning i was SO tired i woke up and fell asleep again, then i went too the lounge and fell asleep again and then i went too _ _ _ _ _ _'s house and fell asleep on her couch. i was aware of my stomach, it was creepy. i mean, ive always known it exsisted but i was never actually aware of its physical prescence until today. it was WEIRD.

you know how sometimes you do things and at the time yr all "yep, yep this is the only conclusion, yep this is what im doing" and yr nodding and convinced its the ONLY option. an then yr like WTFAMIDOINGNOTLOLWTF well i did that and now my stomach is having an argument with my brain. whoops. im off too make cup o soup with cheddar.

my hero tastes like plastic, hes elastic and now hes dead. 

Friday, March 13, 2009

Top Ten Movie Quotes of all Time

1. Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe
(10 Things I Hate About You)

2. [holding up a card] William: I downloaded this little baby off the Net. I will know exactly how many spirits I may imbibe without affecting my judgment or my behavior.
X-Phile2: You have every angle covered.
X-Phile 1: You know William, from this light, you somewhat resemble David Duchovny
(Can't Hardly Wait)

3. Nicole: There are rules, you know.
Brad Seldon: [Brad is drunk] "Rules"?
Nicole: Rules!
Brad Seldon: What rules?
Ray: Seniors rule!
Nicole: You don't send Designated Dave to ask if I'll go with you if you don't plan on following through with the offer.
Brad Seldon: I was going to. I-I-I was going to. It's-It's just that...
Chase: [mockingly] He just - He-He-He just - He just - He-He...
Nicole: Shut up!
Brad Seldon: I don't know. I - I fell in love
Nicole: So I heard, highschool love is for saps Brad or haven'y YOU heard?
(Drive Me Crazy)

4. Walter Stratford: I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. My momma didn't raise no foo'!
(10 Things I Hate About You)

5. William: You know what they say about women and trolley cars. There's plenty of 'em in the sea
(Can't Hardly Wait)

6. Bianca: There's a difference between like and love. Because, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack.
Chastity: But I love my Skechers.
Bianca: That's because you don't have a Prada backpack
(10 Things I Hate About You)

7. Bianca: Where did you come from? Planet "Loser"?
Kat Stratford: As opposed to Planet "Look At Me, Look At Me"?
(10 Things I Hate About You, just kidding this is the worst movie line of all time, it almost makes me ASHAMED of rom-coms, almost)

8. Kenny Fisher: Yo, I gotta have sex tonight! I mean peep this - They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo! Hey, you know what that means?
Ritchie Koolboy: What?
Kenny Fisher: It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo.
(Can't Hardly Wait)

9. Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
(10 Things I Hate About You)

10. William: You... have to come with me. There's this chick... there's these two chicks... they're triplets, man.
(Can't Hardly Wait)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

One Track Lover

Will I ever get to meet Richard Ayoade? When will he hold me???

The Other Chris Brown

- maculine jaw like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
- likes animals
- lives near the beach
- his dog is really cute
- probably has lots more cool pets
- would let me watch in on surgery??
- would have really good cute animal stories
- gets free dog food
- we have a lot in common (i have a kelpie too!!)
- parents would die of happiness if he was my boyfriend
- doesn't look that much like a date rapist

- kinda looks like a date rapist
- is the cheesiest guy alive

Move over Eliot from Law and Order SVU, I found my new T.V. boyfriend!!!
Love Clare xoxo

P.S. - me and Jane Donut's band Pap Smear Pool Party has a hit song called T.V. Boyfriend. It's really dirty. We are probably the best band to never exist.

Retarded Donuts

Everyone always goes on and on and on about Krispy Kreme donuts and how fucking awesome they are.

I'm sorry to blow all yr minds but I've had Krispy Kreme before and they aren't the best. The best can be found at DC Donuts in Singapore.

Not only is their Oreo donut sheer delight but they have retarded engrish descriptions of the donuts.

The description for Tiramisu Donut: Dear Tira, it's been so long/ I haven't meet you/ Now, I Really Miss You

Description for Miss Green T donut: Mirror, Mirror on The Wall/ Who's the Sexiest Woman In The Mall

Description for Jacky Chunk Donut: Chunky chunk donut/ Topping with chocolate/ Makes you want to go HallYahh!!!

They told me off for taking photos of the donuts which was weird because Asian tourists insist on photographing EVERYTHING.

I wish DC Donuts would come here, they brought that rank cunt Famous Amos over but not DC.

Love The Donut

Monday, March 9, 2009

fragile eggshell mind

finally got my own username, yeah!

this week its all about:
x. nightshift
x. throwing stuff out
x. french onion dip
x. pen too paper
x. getting a camera
x. late night bikerides
x. i forgot my mums birthday.. i am a shitty, crappy, horrible person 

Yeah, Right.

Fact of the matter is, lately I have been pretty much like that gay Linkin Park song that goes a bit like "don't fucking push me, I am close to the fucking edge", but with more swearing. I don't like a lot of people, and I am quite sure that a lot of people don't like me either. But politics and boundaries and the general all round passive agressiveness of most people, plus the willingness to basically say what they think only when they think other people won't find out about is has basically put me into a rage. Even when I try to keep my mouth shut for the good of other people, it gets shoved back into my face time and time and time again.
So, you know what? You hit on my boyfriend or sleep with my friends crush or are just generally a cunt? I am going to tell you. And you are probably not going to like that.

Life is Like a Setting Sun (Or something as equally twee and gay as that.)

See above. I have many things to say but people are already saying them for me (apparantly).

Sunday, March 8, 2009


the blurb for this movie was "take a magnificent but broke hotel, a beauty pageant with a difference and a new drug that destroys peoples inhibitions and the stage is set for the wildest party ever!" the immature storyline takes 103 minutes too unfold and its all ugly boys, hot half naked girls and dressups plus disasters. this should have been a quick thrill but quite simply comes off like someone who attempts too sodimise you real roughly and just when you think theyre getting all soft and loveydovey you realise theyre just checking yr pockets for change. oh shit.

drew barrymore is 'damaged goods' in this film. youd believe it too, no sane persons eyebrows could be that thin. okay, so nerd but nice boy virtually stalks the shit out of her then kind of dates the shit out of her. they run off together (he had too get her out of that god damn mental institution) then while theyre driving along the freeway of love she initiates this retarded "trust exercise" which leads them too crash car. they do the hillbilly thing and live in some dump in the middle of nowhere (tumbleweed) then miss "shes so CRAZY' starts pasting eyeballs all over the walls and he wakes up and is all WTF so sends her back too her parents. the only conclusion that this film led me too is I HATE DB4LIFE. the end. hell grunge.

what attracted me too this out of date VHS was the bad 80's hair and the writting on the front "she had one love. he had one secret... cocaine. no one wants to go to hell alone" its not even as epic as it makes out too be. "the struggle is desperate. the stakes are high" but its so freakin boring youd never get that. i wont even bother explaining the storyline its actually that lame.

this movie takes the cake fur cereal. secretly sometimes when people say they haterading on things i want too see for myself and maybe ill hate it too and maybe ill feel cool like "oh scagnetti hates it and i hate it too BFFL!! marry me!!" well this movie is not applicable. its based on a stephen king novel (obviously his crappest work too date) a mother and son team of unfortunate looking cat inspired supernatural creatures who move  too town too find a virgin sacrifice. cats are scared of them. i donut know how they decided all of this but alotacats DIE in this movie. the cyco mum bitch uses one hand too snap kittys spine. shes hell laying down the law. IN CLOSING I HATED THIS MOVIE MORE THAN ANY OTHER PAIN IVE HAD TOO ENDURE IN MY 20 YRS OF LIVING. (i would have rather spent an hour mashing my fist in elton johns crap while he sings candle in the wind over and over and over again)
i found this website where this other lad also shares similar views on aformentioned film...


a medium length novel about novels

eeeee eee eeee; tao lin
leisa lent me this book, i really thought it was a GREAT read. about a dude - andrew who works at dominos and sees animals everwhere. sometimes the animals (mainly dolphins) kill people like elijah wood or sean penn. then he meets the president of the USA. i donut like that part of the book though, the presidents got a bad case of the waa waa's.

the gum theif; douglas coupland
i started reading this yesterday and so far its pretty interesting. heres my favourite bit so far
"its amazing how you can be a total shithead, and yet yr soul still wants too hang out with you. souls ought too have the legal right too bail once you cross certain behaviour threshholds.."


See Yr Hibblies, Raise You Jibblies

I think the original Scooby Doo cartoons are really creepy. How amazing were all the set-ups for the mysteries? Abandoned toy factory, abandoned military plane yard, swamp house, shipwrecks. Same goes for Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys mystery books. They were my bread and butter growing up. One time when I worked at Boffins Bookshop I wrote of list of the creepiest things in the world. A co-worker stole the list and wrote "Clare's face" on it. What an ass! He is a total redhead though, so the jokes on him. Anyway I love being creeped out. Here are some reawwy scawy pictures!!

p.s. - Goosebumps books were NEVER actually that scary! I was way more scared by Paul Jennings' short stories, you know those UNCANNY series or whatever.