Saturday, October 30, 2010


after having a thoroughly great shower, feeling the unmistakable thunder inside that is your need too take a dump. that really bugs me.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


"noun. a rare art form, often found in suburban neighborhoods, in which the act of graffiti is performed not with a can of spray paint or other conventional artistic tool, but rather with a piece of freshly released shit, often wrapped in some kind of covering to allow the artist to smear freely all over any kind of surface. some may consider grafeces to be vandalism."



last week sometime i spent a couple of hours listening too clares django reinheardt "crazy rhythm" album (which is amazing btw) at home bymyself while constructing, what i feel, too be a glorious feat for (my) humanity/housemates.

the king of all forts:

it is hard too see from my inferior camera/photographic skills but this fort actually takes up the entirity of our lounge room.
many implements were used in the making of this, everything from crates, chairs, lounge sets too drawers, ladders and brooms.
i got very sweaty that day.

it is a great place too watch movies/take an impromptu nap/eat burgers in. i even put a little welcome mat (NICE HUH?)

so if your in the area, the fort will be up until i move outta wu-mansion (gracey/gemmer im looking at chu)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Thursday, October 21, 2010


My supervisor sent me home from school yesterday because I was "apathetic". Haha. I decided to spend my glorious free time by going to my parent's house and combining my two favourite things: the TV channel GO and being horizontal. I prompty fell asleep and woke up at 2 pm to my dad waving a bag full of Nandos in my face. He was really grumpy. I was all "Oh cool! I love Nandos! This is so great! How did you know I loved Nandos?". And then my dad said I woke up from my nap, looked at him, yelled "Get me Nandos NOW!", smiled and then went back to sleep.

I rule.

This is kind of like the time I drunk so much I blacked out and did this heartfelt confession to my then-boyfriend that "even though I know it's gross, I think my favourite food is chicken."

Amateur comedians are worse than fashion bloggers

On Tuesday night some besties and I got a goon bag, took it to Viet Hoa and then got really mad at the amateur comedy night at the Brisbane ("Lazy Susans"). Beck, Rachael (of 2-hole Ronit fame) and I made an awesome fan shirt for Beck's borefriend who was booked to stand in a room full of awkward silences later that night.

Now he told us that people didn't heckle there but I thought he was kidding because he is a "comedian". We were pretty drunk. For the most part the comedy was worse than if Good News Week had a baby with the 7pm Project and had Fifi Box as a guest. Shudder.

So anyway, Rach did such a good heckle that I came dangerously close to weeing my pants (which in retrospect would have been a really bad idea since I stayed at Rachael's for 3 days straight without a change of undies).

Some loser made a really bad 9/11 joke and Rach yelled "TOO SOON". Absentee bestie Laura "cool as a cucumber" Cassie and I did the best 9/11 joke ever for Halloween in 2008 so I consider myself an expert on the subject.


Then he made a really bad joke along the lines of "if the Anzacs had good biscuits then maybe they would have won" and rach yelled "TOO SOON". It might have been a 'you had to have been there drinking wine out of a Mount Franklin bottle'. Whatever, it was the funniest thing to happen to me since I put a lace shawl and a top hat on my head and said to me boss "this is what I am going to wear to your funeral when you die of AIDS".

I did a less good heckle. Some comedian put all his eggs in one basket and pretty much only bitched about girls faking orgasms and for some reason it really annoyed me so I yelled "ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ANY GOOD" and then he made out like he hadn't understood me (bad heckle reaction form man, almost as bad as if he freaked out and called me a "cunt") then he was all like "oh was that the girl with the obnoxious laugh?" to which I replied "booyah!"

I vaguely remember Beck's borefriend getting weird and someone "SHUSHHING" us, but as someone with slight journalistic aspirations I ignored all attempts of censorship.

Then at the intermission one of the organisers tried to passive aggressively tell us off ("oh no man, I thought you guys were funny") and then he told us about his fake girlfriend who is in the Melbourne comedy festival and isn't real. He also implied that I was "laughing too loud" (at a comedy night??? THE AUDACITY!). Apparently my laugh has a "mocking" tone.

So Rach and I left, drank a Cointreu and then tried to break into an Op shop donation bin using our house and car keys.

In conclusion "Lazy Susans" should stop star-fishing like a cheap prostitute. Otherwise they can eat my poo while sitting on a knife.

I gladly give it an "oh no you didn't" and a "Di Johng" (it's Chinese for "oh brother!").

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


had a week in melbourne september/october 2010. best time ever, didnt do alot but spent vast amounts of time in footscray the heart of bohemian melbourne (HAH)
but seriously, footscray is good value. thoose $2.40 vietnamese rolls and ppl yelling obscenities on the street make it all worth it.

yeah im slow/shit with uploading/taking pictures.

the union!
pretty cut glass ash trays and port royal tobacco (NZ REPRESENT YO) and cider.
more cider at anudder pub. i thought cider was just for fancy ppl but its so cheap over there you may as well take advantage of the situation. the weather held out and was sunny for 6/7 days. FUCKIN YEAH FUCK. nicely done.
70c doughnuts @ olympic doughnuts right next too footscray trainstation. SEVENTY GOD DAMN CENTS. these doughnuts are the tits by the way, jam and all.

quick notes
x. awesome "bowls" of coffee at proud marys
x. good times at prudence, byo food and amazing rum and cloudy apple dranks
x. melbourne etching supplies, wet dreams
x. borsch@ hells kitchen BEST SOUP EVER

in conclusion this holiday was balls and all, in the best kind of way.


found post party


Are we really going to G AND T it tomorrow night?

well there is going too be some kind of alcoholic beverages involved and i will only be serving them in the jug that somehow seems too have made its way too our house post party.
how convenient.
no, no, no. not NIGHT its like a awake, migrate, hydrate kind of thing. aka. midday. aka. after you finish uni.

i feel that i would like too purchase pimms but am unsure as i have never tasted it. yes probably gin but not with tonic (are you on a diet or something you fag?)
possibly full flavoured lemonade. maybe also lychee grapefruit juice. and definetly chopped fruit with erbs of somekind (mint)

or maybe tom collins?
god damn it im just not sure. will search recipe.

hows your day anyways?


when people are gurner die they have a "bucket list"
well i aint dying, but i am leaving perth in january. sadface, i know.
im making a "fuck it" list.

as in "fuck it im leaving im going too do all that gay crap ive been wanting too do but didnt"

please note, these things do not necessarily relate too perth or, like furthering myself and being a better person wank wank.

just things i wanna do, y'know?

did complete 1 of the things today, wednesday 20th october 2010. will reveal the "fuck its" as i complete them. haha looks like "fuck tits" which ofcourse, is always great.


Monday, October 18, 2010


All your questions answered

Got any queries queers? Send your questions to me and I'll give you some salient advice.

10 TO GO

"it was as though god had struck me down with this incredible knowledge"

i remember gracey writing something similar too this, approx 2 yrs ago when she "discovered" that it was possible too smoke the tallyho 10 to go paper.

now, usually i wouldnt find myself in that situation, only because i own a cassette library where i had labelled one of the drawers "SMOKE". in this drawer were a smokers necessities, the things you need but always seem too loose (filters, lighters, copious amounts of papers and sometimes even EXTRA POUCHES of tobacco if i happened too be particularly cashed up)

in a horrible accident which i will only refer too as VERGE SIDE COLLECTION and my obsessive need too constantly throw away my possessions in what many deem as a "henious clean" (i prefer too call it minimising the vast amounts of crap i seem too end up owning) i threw out the cassette library AKA. SMOKE DRAWER OF YR DREAMS.

because of this error in judgement, i never thought of "relocating" these things intoo another unassuming drawer. therefore tonight i found myself in the most irritating of situations, that being the situation of being too fucking lazy too get off my ass and walk too the garage (aka. service station for you nubes) but in my ashtray i did happen too find the infamous "10 to go" paper which, as i mentioned above had historically proven too be smoke-able.

i think the tallyho 10 to go paper has changed in the past 2 years and i honestly would not pass it off as smoke-able. for a start the paper is gold (a warning within itself, like a brightly coloured poisonous frog) and it does not stick easily when you attempt too roll a cigarette.

in the end i did produce a cigarette and against my natural instinct smoked it, probably inhaling many foul things from the paint on the paper. it lit up like a firework. it was a celebration, the nicotine fix, fixxed.

in conclusion, dont smoke the 10 to go paper. do make a smoke drawer of yr dreams so that in future, you, dear reader wont be faced with the same situation. (although you probably have cooler addictions than smoking)

PS// gracey i dont blame you for the smokings of my past failure. it is my weak brains/and/or nicotine receptors. thoose guys are CRAZY!

Aww Man

Sunday, October 10, 2010

"The abyss gazes also"

When judgement day happens, the world will be all "We're really sorry about Livejournal".

"Oh that's nice, is it...watercolour?"

Period blood art! My new favourite (dead) loljournal community: Blood Art.

Love Clare xoxo

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Donut get why the internet loves this broad. I tried to watch that whole thing BUT I literally died half way through.

Cya guys!

Don't fuck me

Cus I'll fuck you right back.

I stayed home all weekend and watched Law and Order in my bedroom. Scintillating activity in itself but by Sunday I was bored with the end of my 7 day weekend. Luckily I got a phone call from Joshy at 11am (Earliest he has been up evah!) asking me if I wanted to go to Belmont and shoot some guns with him and Caroline. I had said yes before he'd even finished asking me the question.

Welcome to the Lone Ranges Shooting Complex.

These posters were in our training room. Our training consisted of a 'Range Officer' making a lot of innapropriate jokes and me embarassing myself by not being able to pull the clip back on a semi-auto. Apparantly quite a lot of police officers load their magazines in backwards and then ask why their guns aren't working.

We opted for the first timers package which came with training and 50 .22 rounds, half to be shot with a pistol, half with a semi auto, which came to a grand total of $75. Also included in that price is a casual membership to da Gun Klub, and you get a laminated card proving that. I got a tad confused and wrote down 1987 instead of 2010 so I've been a member for 23 years.

This is Caroline. She'd had a heavy weekend and freaked out a little bit but pulled through in the end.

FULLY LOADED PISTOL! Also that's me shooting the semi auto. I was so fucking rubbish/amazing at it that I managed to hit the target once, and then shoot both the pegs off. On the way out this lord of a Range Officer heard me saying that and said he'd heard me before I went into the booth saying I was going to do that. I liked this guy. He looked like a biff gun nut version of Uncle Buck, and he promptly took a shining to Joshy and I and let us do some sick stuff. Like hold one of these.

Then he showed us a sawn off shotgun, the favourite weapon of leather vested motorcycle enthusiasts everywhere. Josh and I decided we wanted to shoot it.

Shooting a shotgun fucking hurts. I still hurt today on Tuesday and I'm loaded on panadeine forte. It's also really loud and scary. I definitely want one of these, not to shoot, but to wave around in the air, like I just don't care.

After we'd shot the shotgun, our awesome friend Gun Nut Uncle Buck took us into a booth with no cameras in it and gave us the .44 Magnum. This is a serious gun. Every time I shot it I'm pretty sure it FLEW LIKE SUPERMAN into the air.

To demonstrate the difference in amazingness between normal .44 bullets and hollowtip bullets, also known as 'peoplestoppers' Uncle Buck let us shoot some. The holes from the normal bullets in the target still had a tiny bit of tear in the back of the paper while the peoplestoppers looked like someone had holepunched it with a holepunch made for giants.

I left Belmont feeling incredibly fucking tough and like I needed to drink 5L of beer, which is what I then did. Now that I can't drink for 6 weeks I have a feeling that I will be at this place every weekend, smiling maniacally while shooting guns into a picture of Oktoberfest.

Saturday, October 2, 2010