Saturday, January 31, 2009

Fashion Blog Edition 1.0

Meet Jo.

Dressing all in white is the new hot tip for summer.

Animal prints are a really big deal. Not too much though, or you end up looking like one of those weird Rockabilly girls with too much lipstick. They all got good bootys though for some reason.

You should definitely base an entire outfit around your crotch. Subtley Slutty.

Neckerchiefs are a simple yet amazing way of dressing up and adding colour to any outfit, as evidenced by the above and below photos.

Friday, January 30, 2009


i have a new job somewhere in hipsterville perth, australia.
this is okay, i like jobs, i like money and i enjoy that we are TOLD too sit the hell down when we close and have a cheeky beer.
so yesterday im taking out this persons order and at the table there are 3 boys and 3 girls and every single one of them is like HELLHELLTANNED and really blonde. and have athletic body types.
when i walk back in im talking too coworker "is that that guy from bigbrother?" shes all "hmm, let me check." she returns "HAHA IT IS LOL" 
i always remembered him, his face is really red from being overtan and he has a shit nose which led me too christen him the hammerhead shark.


art bitch

from the title of this blog you are already getting connotations of super fierce (thanks clare) art, possibly menstural blood paintings or perhaps an installation of a toilet with a morning after poo in it (M.A.P)
well no. thats not what this post is about. although all of the above are kind of disgusting, maybe even a little.. dare i say CRAZY (woah!) they are above all imaginitive and at least displaying some sense of originality (and possible themes of body outputs)
unlike some other "art". so one of my lovely housemates has this horrible, most unfortunate canvas with a (blank) flower painted on it. while i maintain that the painter (someone we know) has obvious technical skills and knows about light and colour it dosnt redeem the fact that it is still fucking ugly and has too reside above the kitchen door opposite my room.
i tried being fair "well if you have too keep it out of obbligation i sympathise but why dont we at least hide it behind something? so that way when im walking out of my room intoo the kitchen, this is the obvious place i would go for many varities of cheese are kept here, im not thinking about how much i want too fist yr canvas and rape it with a knife or fire?"

anyway said housemate wouldnt budge "but it was a present" sorry babe that really dosnt cut it for me. once my grandma got me and my sister matching raincoats with ILOVENZ and sheeps all over it. the punchline is she ripped the exzact same raincoat out of her pocket and was all "now we can ALL match!!" you think i brought intoo that? NO. sure i kept it a few days before i sent it off too the salvos but i did the right thing y'know? kids are out there sheltering under cardboard boxes and im throwing out a rain sheltering coat, BAM! im paying it foward.
anyway im sure i could enrich some persons life (possibly blind person) with this terriffic treat of free painting offering.

sometimes i think its dumb really, i know who would frikken love this painting!! middle aged woman!!!! they also love photography but only of hands.
NOTE: the hands have too be babys hands, black dudes hands or wrinkly hands.

in the words of css "suck my art hole" because i only want too surround myself with "visually stimulating" aka. rad things. what is rad too me may not be rad too you and im willing too accept this.

PS: did you know babies PREFER too look at attractive people?? apparantly if you are attractive they will look at you longer than theyd look at an ugly person. there should be a new term for dardys, babystare.


Not funny guys

Imagine this, my friends.

You decide to leave your room (against good judgement), you are at the hydey watching bands play (against good judgement). You feel your bag vibrate indicating a text message. You think "that is probs Jack" or "that is probs Laura". You check the text and it says

A msg from Gemma U may have been exposed to syphilis and may need a sexual health check up. See website for info PLS DO NOT REPLY.

NOW if I didn't know for A FACT that I don't have syphilis I would have freaked the fuck out. Instead I am like 'who the fuck yould send this' aka an enemy (god knows all sassy ladies have them) or a cruel friend (like Jack).

I checked the website and it is a gay website. omg that is soooo gay.

So to you, the hilarious joker who sent me this (you are a regular Rove McManus) if you knew me you would know that I regularly say that if I had the syph I would laugh rally hard because I would be like a modern day Hitler without the Jew hatin' and the receding hairline. Aka eat shit, maybe next time say THE HIV cuz that shit ain't curable, ask Freddy.

Now excuse me while i go eat a bowl of Penicillos(tm)

The Donut

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Do you remember that scene in How To Lose a Guy In Ten Days where Kate Hudson is all I DON'T LOVE YOU and Matthew McSnoganey says BULLSHIT because they were playing that card game earlier? I obviously don't, because I have never seen that movie and Gemma doesn't own it on VHS. You guys are all gay though and probably bought it on Blu-Ray (p.s. - what is blu-ray? what is HD tv? what is 'plasma' screen?)

Anyway, I call 'boolshit' on fashion blogs. Ew. Some people take pictures of what they wear everyday and put it on the internet and hundreds of people look at the hot pix and talk about what hot pix they are. They say things like "I like that piece" to talk about a shirt or something and their favourite word is 'fierce'. Tigers and other great cats are fierce, not a pair of shoes. Elliot Stapler from Law and Order is fierce too (he is also my boyfriend but me and him are keeping that shooshsies). You can have a piece of pie but you cannot have a piece of a t-shirt. OK.

These bloggers fall in two categories: you either wear all black and white outfits with killer high heels (example) or dress like a retarded little lolita bitch (example). I think sometimes companies send those fillies clothes for free because so many people wanna look at 15 pictures of them being whimsical at sunset and hear stories like "Josef and I found the cutest cafe to drink tea and read e.e. cummings poems downtown!! Afterwards the drive along the coastline was divine, we made hot cocoa when we got home and I sorted through my Polaroids from last summer." Oh my god, why do so many people care about your gay little twee lives and your shredded jeans. Why does nobody wanna send me free clothes for being a whiny little asshole on the internet? I'm a bloganality! One time someone at a party was like "you are from the Chronicles of Dardia" and I was all "Yeah wanna make something of it?" because I was intoxicated. Sorry guy.

I guess street style blogs where someone takes pix of hotties on the street and not themselves are less shitty because the vanity/self obsession factor is at zero degrees but the "I care about what dickheads at the Bakery are wearing and I think other people will too" factor is totally raging high. That's ok, I guess I probably am secretly interested too (p.s. - not really), and it's not totally gross and pretentious. I think a lot of people are interested in clothes, a billion dollar fashion industry seems to suggest so.

In related news, I'm gonna start doing a weekly fashion segment on the C.O.D. called "Gutter Bitch", where I document what I wear to pick up Nandos every time I'm hungover. Look out for no shoes, not showering and no bras and this never actually happening. Love Clare xoxo

Really Amazing Things BFs Say

"I want you to be a pillow, so I can give you head"

Check out more genius here.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


so i went too an interview on thursday and it was okay i guess as it was a group interview and thats good (i think)
group interviews mean more people and LESS INTIMATE and i donut feel so nervous and my hands donut get so clammy and i probably wont be like FREAKING OUT WHAT THE HECK?!

we kind of went through our general interests and hobbies and mine was all:
reading, writing, illustration, collecting breakables and longstitch
everyone elses was all:
helping others, volunteer work, extra ciricular activities, wank, wank, wank

the person interviewing me says "nina, what are breakables and longstitch?" i reply "breakables means things like ornaments and cut glass decanters, longstitch is a form of embroidery." interviwer "???....." nina "okay just thing about things that old people like and thats pretty much covers most things i like. i forgot too mention i enjoy scrabble too."
they think im funny. they think im from pluto.
they totally asked me back for a 2nd interview yeah!

my favourite part of the interview was at the end when the dudes all "does anyone have any questions?" thats totally the moment where everyones supposed too ask smart and educated questions but really i felt i knew enough, thanks. noone else had questions so i seized the moment and asked the question i had wanted too ask since i got in the office which was: who is that novelty sized cheque for and why? the glamour of seeing a real life HUGE cheque for $28,650.00 was enough too make anyone ask stupid questions. so the interviewer replys blah blah then asks me if i want too HAVE the cheque. at first i thought hell yeah! but then it dawned on me that some dork wearing a bowtie, walking through the slums of perth with a novelty size cheque for 30 grand is probably just asking for a beating. theyd be all "im going too fight the shit out of you!"

yrs sincerly,

avalon, the opening

RAB! aka ryan boserio aka ryan bashedmystereo aka bashton

kat: unbridled passion

iggy pop (we alegedly made out not long after this picture was taken) looking alot like yama from damn arms these days. amazing

c. stack and c. weedon super cute friends

aslan, a disco delight in spakling tee. him and lambsy had matching sparkly tops (sweethearts)

the house of avalon (party) was a success. did do a barf though (more than once)
lets never not be young.

2005 to 2008

I'm following in Gemmer's footsteps and posting blogs I did when I was 18 and 19. I was way more whimsical back then, now I am crusty and gross. I have been holding in my piss for like 2 hours because I can't be bothered taking off my onesie. I also urinated on a monastery like a day ago (sorry Jesus).

Monday, November 14, 2005
I'll not contain you

Thursday, December 01, 2005
Cool Things I Did Yesterday: Episode One

So I was putting a pocket back onto my dress which is something I'm not so great at. I'm pretty good at some things, like standing pidgeon-toed and drinking P-Max but I'm not that great at sewing. I SEWED MY THUMB TO MY DRESS. I accidentally put the needle through my thumb skin without realising and it was stuck to my dress. It was pretty gross.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Dear Underpants,

Plz stop riding up my butt.

Love Clare xoxo

Monday, April 10, 2006
My love is bigger than your love


Tuesday, May 16, 2006
My heart is made of gravy

Yeah, I can do a handstand and look really obscene at the same time. Those jammies fit over myfeet and I never have to wear socks, umm, I skip class a lot lately.

Friday, June 09, 2006
Pardon my birth, I just slipped out

Today in the shower I thought a strand of my wet hair was a spider's tentacle. Spiders don't even have tentacles. I just don't know about me anymore.

Monday, June 12, 2006
Take that Exercise 10C!

My dy/dx's turned into ponies and flying turtles.

I'm thinking of dropping out, you know, taking an art class or two.

And now it is more like:

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Hey guys, I am everybody ever:

"My interests include coffee, cigarettes, red wine, polaroids, photography in general, reading (fav authors milan kundera, f scott fitzgerald, salinger etc), music (neko case, arcade fire, another gay band), my best friends, winter, art, drawing in my sketchbook, writing in really small font on the internet."

J/K!!!! But like I am going to do a shit on all of yr Polaroid cameras and the only good Belle and Sebastian song is the one that goes I DON’T LOVE ANYTHING because it’s about being a hater. I seriously wanna quit youth culture and marry an orang-utan or something. If I have to look at photographs of you and your friends smoking in dark alleyways one more time I think I will puke in your faces. Everybody should be more like me because I have no interests or hobbies except for looking at pictures of dogs on the internet.

Aw shit, I suck. Happy Australia EveryBoy and Girl!!
Love Clare xoxo

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Genius of Love

What you gonna do when you get out of jail?
I'm gonna have some fun
What do you consider fun?
Fun, natural fun

I'm in heaven
With my boyfriend, my laughing boyfriend
There's no beginning and there is no end
Time isn't present in that dimension
He'll take my arm
When we're walkin', rolling and rocking
It's one time I'm glad I'm not a man
Feels like I'm dreaming, but I'm not sleeping

I'm in heaven
With the maven of funk mutation
Clinton's musicians such as Bootsy Collins
Raise expectations to a new intention
No one can sing
Quite like Smokey, Smokey Robinson
Wailin' and skankin' to Bob Marley
Reggae's expanding with Sly and Robbie

All the weekend
Boyfriend was missing
I surely miss him
The way he'd hold me in his warm arms
We went insane when we took cocaine.

Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon
Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon

Stepping in a rhythm to a Kurtis Blow
Who needs to think when your feet just go
With a hiditihi and a hipitiho
Who needs to think when your feet just go
Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon
Who needs to think when your feet just go
Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon Bohannon
James Brown, James Brown
James Brown, James Brown

If you see him
Please remind him, unhappy boyfriend
Well he's the genius of love
He's got a greater depth of feeling
Well he's the genius of love
He's so deep.

JUST so you know, I have always been cool (longest blog ever).

These are some of the blogs I posted on my myspace page between 5/5/05 and 18/4/2008

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Hey Chris?
Current mood: thirsty

"Hey Chris? Whatever happened to Gina Davis? She used to be in movies but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio. Chris? Oh i'll tell you tomorrow."

Friday, November 25, 2005

It was a shock

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

OH NO!!!
Current mood:oh baby
Category: News and Politics

OH NO!!! It's Baberaham Lincoln

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Current mood:Best Friends Forev'r
Category: Friends

Monday, February 13, 2006

Favorite type of cat
Current mood:Please someone buy me a kite
Category: Pets and Animals

Monday, March 06, 2006

Today at my jorbbb
Current mood:almost star struck
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Today at my jobbie this man came in and I was all "I know him! I know him!" as in, he was famous. So I was racking my brain trying to figure out who he was when I realised that he just really looked like McGuiver a whole lot.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Old people smell
Current mood:I have an assignment due tomorrow.

Has anyone ever noticed that some old men wear a cologne that smells like dead ants and wet sand? Or maybe it is just their odour, I always like to tell people that the infamous 'old people smell' is really just the smell of decaying skin. So anyway, I think I only noticed that sand and ant smell recently because I have to catch the bus so much now. Usually if I see that some sandy ant man is looking to sit near me I cough in a phlegm like way without covering my mouth but that backfires because it means I can't scoff at others on the bus disapprovingly when they cough up phlegm. I wish I had nunchucks.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Current mood:down the rabbit hole
Category: Writing and Poetry

I am a great anecdotalist just like Alan Partridge, which leads me to my new blog subject entitled...

The day I met......THE MATRIX

Today at school I had 15 minutes before class so I went to the library to czech out some cartoons on the webbernet. As I was viewing the first cartoon suddenly in the URL address typey thingy was erased and replaced with "who is this" and I was all confused and so I deleted this compy ghost's question and tried to go to a different site but they kept asking questions so I typed "hey if this is a real person I am trying to dig some web comics" and so they took control of the arrow and opened wordpad. It was like MSN but on wordpad and really creepy.

Then finally it dawned on me, with the realisation of what was going on I typed: "Morpheus?" to which he replied "LOL" which didn't strike me as something Morphdawg would typically say, I was looking for something more like "follow the brown ferret" or something.

I had been let down, it wasn't Morpheus and I am probably not in The Matrix. I kept saying "how are you doing this" and he was all "what does it matter". It was a mix between The Matrix and that scene in Pretty in Pink where Andie is talking to Blane on the computer at school but they don't know that they are talking to eachother except I don't think I was talking to some babe who was going to "believe in me".

So I said " is this hacking? I never really understood the concept" and they (lets call him/her/it 'Matrix) was all "yeah except usually I do bad stuff when I hack right now I'm just bored". That is pretty much my story except that Matrix had the gall to call me a geek or nerd or something, how rich is that I mean it isn't like I am out hacking into a computer in the library at uni.

Lucy said this was a boring story and she may be right but alls I know is that, if only for a moment, I thought I was in a movie and that makes the whole experience worthwhile.

The end.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Current mood:icecream castles in the air
Category: Pets and Animals

I was waiting at the bus stop at Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital and you know how there is a body of water there (I don't know what you would call a mini lake? A swamp?) So anyway this middle aged guy in a suit was walking towards the minilakeswamp with a big bag of bread and a duck was following him, you know jus' walkin' with his ol' duck pal. THEN some magpies started swooping the duck so the guy pulled out a rolled up newspaper and chased the magpies trying to hit them HE WAS DEFENDING HIS BEST BUDDY DUCK. I started laughing and then he saw me and I didn't want him to think that it was WRONG to defend his duck so I stretched out my hand towards him as if to symbolise that 'hey middle aged dude it is a-okay with me if you want to defend your favorite duck from magpies'.

It totally reminded me of this one time when these 3 birds seemed to be following this guy and I was in a daze and so I went up to him and said "are those your birds?" he looked at me like I was crazy and was all "no!" and I just sort of mumbled that they were "real pretty" and walked away.

So the whole duck experience made me realise that these holidays have to be more than just getting drunk and being sassy, you know? We need to have ACTUAL FUN (like 'best things in life are free' kinda crap). So we(as in whoever is interested) are going to buy like 10 punnets of strawberries and we are going place bets on how many I can eat before I break out into hives because I am allergic to strawberries. It is going to be AWESOME.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Current mood:FEARFUL, FULL O' FEAR.
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

For all those who want me dead just dress up as a zombie, make it really convincing and come over to my house and I would probably rather kill myself than have to deal with the undead. I would have to say that zombies are my biggest fear. I had about a thousand dreams about zombies last night ( a thousand because I would wake up in a cold sweat lots). In said dreams I was a paraplegic so it was really hard to get away from the zombies but I'm lazy even in my dreams so everytime there was a wall I would get up and walk over. I'm so lazy, but I was also scared and I was alllllll hurrrryyy. Everyone was so relaxed around the zombies. It was kind of funny though because when I got out of bed I went outside to say hi to my dog and I stood real still in the wind with a totally straight face and say "something is coming...", I love pretending I am in a shit melodramatic movie. OHHH that reminds me...

...So I have a really good movie idea: a sort of fun, teen movie where there is a party and heaps of underage kids are drinking and doing drugs and they are all having a good time and through the course of the movie totally likeable characters overcome personal obstacles and start going steady with their dream dates, there is heaps of 70s/80s 'feel-good' rock and just after the audience has fallen in love with all the characters they get in their cars to go home and that song from the end of 'Happy Gilmore' is playing and then BAM all their cars collide in a fireball. THEY ALL DIE because drove drunk and stoned.

There is something so beautiful about lulling people into a false sense of security.

Actually when that movie idea is outside my mind it actually sucks ass.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Disney Classics
Current mood:totally crushin'

Why aren't there any boys like Aladdin? He gave his bread to the orphans and he has a monkey, DREAM DATE ALERT!!!

SWF seeking cartoon character with monkey

must like magic carpet rides and sandwiches.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Gemma and the Deathly DVD Garage
Current mood:haagen daaz
Category: News and Politics

Yesterday I went to Shenzhen in China which is just over the border from Hong Kong, it was apparently mega shopping city. I caught the train there, went through immigration and then entered the mall. Let me preface this by saying that I don't like to be touched ESPECIALLY by swindlers calling me missy (EVERYONE calls me missy "missssssyyy come look handbagwatch" or "missyyyy...dvdmovie? dvdmovie? Come see my warehouse missy" one pregnant woman with a mouth full of godknowswhat called me "princess")

So I have all these people touching me and complimenting me which was gross, one of them managed to get a watch on my mum's wrist while she was walking in about half a second. They all called my brother "handsomeboy" and one guy was staring at my brother's face looking confused going "thick face hair" as though he had never seem a beard before, it was weird; he was pointing at his leg hair then his face to try to explain.

My mommm and I were walking along and this girl says "dvdmovie" and we're alllll "yeahhhh" so we follow her up about six levels and then through the dodgiest part of the centre, on the way up another woman came up to us and said "dvdmovie" and our guide said something in chinese that can roughly be translated as "these stupid whiteys are mine bitch". We get to a room about the size of a small bathroom with a garage door we squish in and sit on kids stools AND THEY LOCKED US IN I thought I was going to die, I went through the stages of grief and when finally I had reached acceptance this weird guy climbed into a vent in the roof and came down with DVDs. He wasn't going to let us out until we bought stuff and by that time I had pretty much dookied up my pants so I bought Grey's Anatomy which I am fairly sure is a load of crap because it is 'the complete all season' when it supposed to be season three.

Hong Kong is pretty great except I have almost been hit by about twenty cars because nobody indicates and everyone seems to be really inconsiderate, eg; A clothes store ACTUALLY called Wanko and the people there were actually wankers.

I went to a buffet tonight and ate too much naan which was pretty great, I got to leave the restaurant early and go watch Veronica Mars.

Living in close quarters with people sucks when you are crying about the end of the Harry Potter book (I admit it so eat my whang critical mass) so you have to read it in the bathroom so they think you just have the poops instead. The Best place ever was the Peak which is a tram that goes to the top of a mountain and THERE IS A MALL THERE… wow a mountain AND a mall, I am soooooo lucky. Having a good time but miss people in Perth lots. I am so hot all the time while it seems like you are all cold. I want to go into the ocean so bad but the pollution here is too bad to not die from it. There is my boring China/Hong Kong ramble, I'm sorry if you read the whole thing hoping until the very end for a nugget of interest, I truly am The Timeburglar (my secret identity).

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I’m ever so ill

So I'm a closet hypochondriac, meaning that I constantly think I'm dying of obscure diseases but I know that I'm deluded so I don't tell anyone and I don't go to the doctor.

The other day I noticed that my eyes had been really light sensitive for about a week so I have been trying to remember since then what disease that is a symptom of.

Today I realised that its vampire. I have vampire.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

All the fun to be had
Current mood:We’re gross
Category: Art and Photography

Clare found a recipe for man-goo! You know...coital paste! We're going to make it like a demented kindergarten activity without glitter.

Okay, maybe glitter.

After reading it, it is very similar to the recipe for meringues, or exactly.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

When I Grow Up
Current mood:GO TO BED
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Or when I finish my degree rather I want to work for the *Consumer Protection Agency* uncovering the lies behind those letters that get sent out that claim to be offering a large cash prize for those who respond except you have to give them your phone number and credit card details.

I guess I just really want to know whether or not I will get $55,000 if I buy a book on health for over 30s(that's right Reader's Digest, you better check yourself before I wreck yourself)

I suppose I could do the unthinkable and use my degree to uncover such mail-out scandals, but who would give me a cadetship let alone a job as an investigative journalist? I'm the first to admit that I can't be trusted with coffee and copiers let alone a desk and a deadline, and putting a coherent sentence together obviously.

And then there's the glamour involved with working for the *Consumer Protection Agency*. *sigh*.

I would be a hero, the champion of those dim enough to be duped by The Sweepstakes Committee down at old Reader's Digest.

That's the lyfe4me.

P.s. If I hadn't taken a year off out of school I would be finishing my bachelors in 2 and a half weeks. I literally did nothing in that whole year except buy an obscene amount of dresses and drink an obscene amount of vodka which could have easily been done at the same time as first year.

Just think in 3 weeks I could have been wailing on A. Maddock (president of sweepstakes committee) if I hadn't been such a lazy, drunk bum.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The best day of my lyfe
Current mood: dirty
Category: Life

So here I am lying on my bed dicking around on the internet, watching Veronica Mars when I hear an odd noise outside my window.

It's kinda like a hurling sound so I look out my window and there is some guy barfing in my yard. Obviously I want a closer look so I go out the front and his bogan girlfriend is yelling for him to "hurry the fuck up".

I went to get Clare but alas they were driving away.

We looked for the vom and when we found it it looked like strawberry milk. I accidentally smelled it and was dry wretching(sp?). Clare made so much fun of me.

And this is why today was the best day of my life.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A Rave Review
Current mood:I haven’t slept in 24 hours
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Let me preface this by saying that even if I don't make it as a journalist maybe I can be the one who makes up all the snappy headlines... except I think I learned in first year that the sub-editor does that.

Okay Okay Okay let's talk raving, or more specifically the specific rave I went to tonight.

It was my first time at a rave and by golly did I think someone was going to shank me. I think Clare took for granted that a lot of the people there were scary because she kept sassing people, for instance calling these two hardened criminals douche-bags under her breath and then casually walking away while I mumbled a lie about her being on a bad pill, you know something they can relate to; THAT is how you gain the trust of people who look like a pair of leather handbags smoking cigarettes.

She also touchey'd the ass of a guy who was handling some heavy makeouts on the dance floor. I mean Jesus Clare; these girls would rip you apart and use your intestines as condoms.

Everyone was hilarious. Rave pants, rave pants, rave pants; love of my life, fruit of my loins, bearer of grrrl boners. There was a guy who had rave pants with flames at the bottom and I really wanted to put them out with a fire extinguisher, he might have gotten a bit stabby though.

There were probably 13 year olds there, almost definitely. This guy made me show him my ID because he didn't believe I was 20. He was pretty much 16 years old.

This weird guy kept drinking our water and when I told him every time he would look as though I had shown him a gory sore or like his mommer had just been paralyzed by polio or something. The people there were BAZAAR. Oh and fishnet body suits! Don't get me started on fishnet body suits! Clare thought a guy was like African or something but he was just a whitey wearing a fishnet body suit. He don't let nobody tell him how GAY he looked, he marches to the beat of his own beating off.

So basically I have learned much from these Malaga based ruffians, mostly that if I want get some hot sweaty raver lovin' then I am going to have to invest in some short shorts and a bikini top(ohhhhhhh what an investment, ohhhhhh), even though it is cold enough to freeze my hooters and chip them off into your drink to keep it ICE COLD! Thank you babies, see you when I am a great writer of the feature articles in some flashy magazine in gee I don't know, maybe like Czech Republic or Belarus(sp?), Until I have reached such fame and accord that I bring out some self help gimmick like that retardo 'The Secret' to take advantage of all the losers who basically WANT to give me their money so I can tell them that EVERTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF you douche bags *cough* oh shit is the mic still on?

P.S. - Me, Clare, says to her benefit: I was pretty bored and I thought everyone would be too fuckeeddddd up mannnn to notice I was making fun of them so subtle so smooth xoxoxo yr clare baby grrrl

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Clare and Gemma, best friends forevs and evs.
Current mood:Shelly
Category: Friends

Okay firstly before I tell this epic tale I need you to prepare yourself to look past the gross nature of it and enable yourself to get into the bare grills of the story. I'm going to start from the end of the journey and then move my way backwards because you know, I'm an artist.

Tonight I came into Clare's room and gestured for her to put her hands out so that I could give her something. I placed a small brown object into her long slender hands that I had begun to know so well.

I asked her "do you know what that is?" to which she replied that she didn't.

"That is the shell I found stuck to my vagina the morning after we went to the beach"

She then proceeded to punch, kick and throw shoes at me,


P.s George Lucas is bidding for the rights.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I am a shitty crappy person
Current mood:tired, boastful, boatsful.
Category: Friends

Last Friday night I finished work at 12.30am (technically Saturday) and went straight to the manor.

I fear seeing my friends drunk when I am sober, they just seem so drunk, so I SKULLED some booze before I went in and got my nasty on.

Once inside I managed to embarrass myself multiple times mainly with accidental innuendo and telling people secrets, you know; the uge (usual).

One really bad thing though that stuck in my mind was when I was putting make-up on in the bathroom and this boganny looking drunkard asked me to do hers.

So I'm in the bathroom doing an absolute shit job at this girls face for about half an hour. The eyeliner keeps smudging but because its chanel it won't come off.

I try scrubbing her face like it was yesterdays bacon pan and telling her I'm giving her 'smokey eyes' and that its all the rage amongst [insert celebrity name here]. Alas there is nothing more I can do, no amount of makeup is going to fix what I've done to this poor girls face.

Looking like a lunatic who's stolen the on duty nurses make-up bag she goes to turn to look at her New Orleans face. I'm getting ready for a quick runaway. She looks at the mess for a minute then turns to me putting her hands on my shoulders and says with tears welling " much".

Also half way through one of her friends came into the bathroom and the girl told her I was a makeup artist. I decided not to correct her and just go with the flow.

A Guide to being mean to your 11 year old sister on holiday

Recently my family and I went to Singapore where we perfected the art of being mean to my sister.

1. Whenever she gets grumpy or whiney sing "you better not pout, you better not cry" etc. This only really works before Christmas and if at a previous Christmas you managed to convince her she was ACTUALLY getting coal (ie: putting presents under the tree that look as though they could be coal and reminding her of all the bad things she has ever done).

2. Convince her that the Island you are staying on is one of the only places in the world that still has dinosaurs.

3. Convince her that the dolphin pool she is about to go swimming in has a neighbouring shark pool (you need to be rally great at acting, which I am)

4. When she actidentally locks herself in the toilet in your room wait 10-15 minutes until you let her out.

5. Sign her name as 'Gimp' for everything (ie when she has to sign out a towel or when you are at a design your own pizza restaurant and they call out your name when your order is ready)

6. Invent hand torture methods
-Bread and Butter: when you are holding hands wih her but are secretly grinding her knuckles together
-The Crane: pushing her fingers down to touch her fore-arm to make it look like a crane's head
-Th Christ's Nail: when you press your thumb into the middle of her palm and your middle or 'rude' finger into the back of her hand between the tendons

7. The Cheese (see below): When you trap her in between two beds. There are many options after this. While my brother favours the 'fart on head', my personal preference is the coffin move where you push her to the ground and then push the two top matresses together.


Window Chalk Warriors

Nina, Clarey and I got all arty today with window chalk.

I did the rock lobster and the car on dardia ave, Clare is rally good at curly writing.

For my window I decided to invent a 9/11 conspiracy theory for people passing by to admire. I love it when weirdos do this like the dude across from my primary school who claimed that Elvis was living with him which he then later changed to Alan Bond. Basically a cool guy really.

MINE says (*ahem*)
9/11 was not the work of terrorists as the "Bush Administration" would have us believe it was actually the work of a underground syndicate of jockeys and grizzly bears who occasionally enhabit Condi Rice and George Bush who are ACTUALLY communists working for Putin and have holiday homes in Cuba. When they landed in Area 51 JFK initially had talks with them however he dislikes short people. He was so stressed that his head exploded. The jockeys and grizzlies now live in Graceland with Elvis, George Clooney's pig and Bubbles (MJ's monkey). 9/11 never 4get.

Monday, January 19, 2009


i have a confession to make, whenever something important arises (eg. looking for a new job, talking too ppl etc.) i get REALLY REALLY nervous and usually talk really fast and stutter and i think they end up thinking im a.d.d or just plain vanilla flavour crazy and obviously not someone they wish too speak too anymore. (naww)

BUT GUESS WHAT! the first phone call i made today i totally ruled the universe in and now i have an interview. woo! i am ultimately pleased and definetly sporting a shiteatinggrin today.





be careful what you do when you get drunk. it may just end up on other peoples blogs.

or you may do really erratic things that secretly you want too do anyway but in real life you donut have the balls too. example you decide yr going too quit yr job because you never want too go back but because you decide it at 1am on sunday yr thinking nows not the best time too let them know but yr like wait theyre assholes i never want too let them know so instead of telling them you turn off yr phone/ avoid the millions of missed calls from them and that theyre asking yr BFFL where you are and shes being all vague.
anyway its been two days now and ive really got too wo-man up and fax in my resignation.

but im having the best time thinking about what im going too do now and clare and i went too the beach with her dogs burger brain and mikey and i ate food at my parents house and things are going well so far!

i really hate having a phone though, every time it rings or the alarm goes off i feel anxious and id rather just throw it off a cliff.
the only certainty at this moment is sleep, and my house warming party and my life long commitment too chuck bass and im sorry everyone else but thats the way it is.



nathan vs. nina

NA: if you've died without telling me i'm going to be so pissed. how's the new house?

NI: im not dead just weird. IM HAVING A HOUSE WARMING PARTY. PLEASE COME!! sorry for the lack of contact. please know i have been thinking of you many times in my dreams and often while bathing and showering. haha jk, i mostly think of you when i buy super slim filters and when my tobacco goes dry im like damn nathan hurry and and invent zip lock already.

NA: (yet too respond)


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Situation Dire

Do any of you guys remember Situation Dire? No? Well that's because the majority of you are peons that don't notice the ends of your noses, and also because Situation Dire was SO HOT for such a short period of time that it basically white lighted the entirety of Perth and almost everyone ended up scratching their heads while looking at the sky, wondering what had happened.

Situation Dire was the brain child of the Gemma to my Clare, Leela and I. We wanted to be a DJ troupe. The fact that we had no idea how the fuck to DJ didn't put any dampener on our ambitions. We knew we had better musical taste than everyone else we saw, and all we wanted to do was make people dance, get some sick cunt groupies and generally be the envy of people below us, and the toast of people above us. (Impossible really, as we were the highest of high. In more ways than one.) This is Sit D's first press shot.

We were girls who liked to party, and we knew exactly what our debut gig should be. The support slot for the biggest party on December 30th, 2007, Vanilla Ice, from Ice Ice Baby fame. We already had a friend playing at the gig, we just needed to convince him that he needed to have something extra added to the set, ie. us. He was not having a bar of it at all, but we managed to convince him with these.

YEAH RIGHT GUYS! While at the time we were both single sassy willing lassies we weren't going to prostitute ourselves or use our admittedly amazing boobs to get to the top of the Perth DJ Scene. Instead we created a petition, and took it to Manor the night of the Manor Christmas Office Party and the response was overwhelming as you can see.

Josh caved and gave us the supporting slot with him. The cheers could be heard all over Perth when the news was let out of the bag, and now our next dilemma was what to wear. We had to be subtle, yet impressive and a stroll past Supre plus a vague memory of a t-shirt Stevie D once wore gave us an idea. Remember those Ice Sucks t-shirts? They had them on sale for 7.95. Unfortunately our idea got tossed out of the bag, and we were banned from wearing them as they might "upset the artist". It was at that point that we were kicking ourselves for not having made a Situation Dire mockumentary up until this point.

Anyway, here I am on stage on Vanilla Ice, looking absolutely beautiful.

And here are our adoring fans.

Vanilla Ice was our first and last gig. RIP Situation Dire. I'll never forget you. The heady smell of Metros dressing rooms, the love of the music, the dardis. Watch out for the reunion tour, coming up in the next few years.

I've made a Situation Dire mixtape, songs that we know and love and played that night, and other nights when we adhered to our gruelling rehearsal schedule. Here they are for you to enjoy.

1. Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy

2. Underworld - Underneath The Radar

3. Dire Straits - Money For Nothing

4. Tom Tom Club - Wordy Rappinghood

5. Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It

6. Tom Tom Club - Genius Of Love

7. Coolio - 1, 2, 3, 4

8. Grace Jones - Pull Up To My Bumper

9. Falco - Der Kommisar

10. Boney M - Rasputin

11. Deniece Williams - Let's Hear It For The Boy

12. Hall and Oates - I Can't Go For That

The one song it's really missing, that was Situation Dire ALL OVER is R Kelly - Hot and Fresh Out The Kitchen. Let's all take a minute to remember how good that song was by reading the lyrics.

(Intro)Now, um, usually I dont do this but uh....

Go head' on and break em off wit a lil' preview of the lil� remix....
Now I'm not tryin to be rude, but hey pretty girl im feelin you.
The way you do the things you do
remind me of my Lexus coup.
Thats why I'm all up in yo grill
tryina get you to a hotel.
You must be a football coach
the way you got me playin' the field.
So baby give that toot toot.
Let me give ya that beep beep.
Runnin her hands through my fro
bouncin on 24s.
Why they say on the radio...
It�s the remix to ignition.
Hot and fresh out the kitchen.
Momma rollin that body
got every man in here wishin.
Sippin' on coke and rum.
I'm like so what I'm drunk.
It's the freakin' weekend baby
Ima bout to have me some fun.
Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
Bounce, bounce, bounce (come on).
Now it's like murder she wrote.
Once I get ya out them clothes.
Privacy is on the doors
till they can hear ya screamin' more.
Girl i'm feelin whatcha feelin'.
No more hopin' and wishin'.
I'm bout to take my key an
stick it in the ignition.
So give me that toot toot.
Let me give ya that beep beep.
Runnin her hands through my fro
bouncin on 24s.
Why they say on the radio...
Its the remix to ignition.
Hot and fresh out the kitchen.
Momma rollin that body
got every man in here wishin'.
Sippin' on coke and rum.
I'm like so what I'm drunk.
It's the freakin' weekend baby
Ima bout to have me some fun.
Crystal poppin' in the strecth navagatior.
We got food everywhere as if the party was catered.
We got fellows to my left,honeys on my right.
You bring them both together we got drinkin all night .
Then after the show its the (after party).
Yea after the party its the (hotel lobby).'

yea round about 4 you gotta (clear the lobby).
Then taker her to your room and f*ck somebody.
So give me that toot toot.
Let me give ya that beep beep.
Runnin her hands through my fro
bouncin on 24s.
Why they say on the radio...
Its the remix to ignition.
Hot and fresh out the kitchen.
Momma rollin that body
got every man in here wishin'.
Sippin' on coke and rum.
I'm like so what I'm drunk.
It's the freakin' weekend baby
Ima bout to have me some fun.
Its the remix to ignition.
Hot and fresh out the kitchen.
Momma rollin that body
got every man in here wishin'.
Sippin' on coke and rum.
I'm like so what I'm drunk.
It's the freakin' weekend baby
Ima bout to have me some fun.
Girl we off in this jeep,
foggin' windows up,
blastin' the radioin the back of my truck.
Bouncin' up and down,
stroke it round and round,
to the remix,
we just thuggin' it out...

There is a God!!!

And he like Gossip Girl too! Which is why a spin off is being made, and not a shit spin off like Joey or That 80s Show. It revolves around Lily's life in the 80s.

I need never leave my room again! I'm thinking about moving a microwave and fridge in here and going batshit like Howard Hughes.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

sweating it out

okay so its unbelievably hot and even though the AC is on, when you are stuck behind a freakin coffee machine all day things are bound too get steamy.
i like that when its hot you sweat in completly unheard of places like under yr eyes or on yr upper lip, seriously (attractive).
guess what? i went visiting yesterday and got too hang with becky muller - i know you are all peanut butter and jealousy upon hearing this statement.
made an important discovery, the murderer voice. you know the voice that comes on when a suspects face is all pixelated. IT HAS A NAME.

Oh wait

Never mind. Pictured here in the most awkward pose ever.

Rudolph the Blue Faced Turbaned Alcoholic

It seems I am now the exact opposite colour of what I was worrying about.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Rudolph the Red Faced Alcoholic Part 2

Is also seen here in a rare photo also sporting magic. Jonny Tek, local DJ extraordinaire, attempts to light what appears to be a rolled up piece of paper, possibility a Bar Card with his finger.
Now seriously, wtf? I'm sure this is a recent phenomenom where I happen to be extremely red in every photo of me out. Don't think I have been drinking more than usual lately. Last winter urrone teased me about my nose but I swear to God it was SUNBURN, not BROKEN CAPILLARIES FROM DRINKING EVERY DAY.


Clare and I cannot take a normal picture, we are either pulling a face or just looking plain ugly.

The natural progression of this thought is obviously: What would happen if one of us went missing and the popo needed pictures of us for the massive reward posters?

See what I mean? And then there is the double whammy.

Gosh I just know when i'm at the bottom of the hole rubbing on the lotion (or getting the hose for the days when I want to shake things up) i'm hardly going to be able to concentrate, i'll just be thinking about the rank picture of me spread all over Perth along with my mum's embarrassed face on the news.

Love from Gemmer xoxo


All I have been doing lately is not seeing anybody apart from Joshy or Richard, watching foxtel, smoking cigarettes and getting drunk, climbing through my brothers window whenever I get bored, breaking into Mercedes Pool with champagne and glasses, and the Internet. Internet is a big one, I know my life is taking a rapid downhill spike when I find myself with nothing better to do than actually post on forums. I need a job. I need my boyfriend home. COD and I need to actually make some plans to hang out. I need to take revenge on people for certain discretions. Mostly I need to stop posting on forums I think.
I suppose I have been to Fremantle 3 times in the past 2 weeks. I guess that counts for something. Twice of them were in 1 day. And I went to Beatty Park Swimming Pool with a frenchman and Joshy. My favourite thing about Beatty Park is the giant thermometer right near the outside pool, which makes you think about how everyone that is not swimming must be really really hot right then while it's a million degrees and you are slightly cold because you wore your Phil Collins t shirt to go swimming cus you didn't have bathers and bra and underwear swimming only belongs at night time illegal bathing.

dear friend

let me tell you, the christmas/new year period was a haze of nang induced comas (thanks gemmer and clare) and meatless burgers. i think i kind of went crazy (personally, not openly, like not everyone would know).
one morning i was making kat and i my miegoreng specialty complete with cheddar and as we were about too eat my mouth went all watery and im thinking OH NO and i run too the bathroom and my heads in the toilet and then im like grosse my heads in a toilet like suddenly it dawned on me. i didnt barf, i just lay on the floor next too the shower for like 10 minutes thinking oh no my foods going cold, whats with the internet, what am i going too do about my career, campus? i wonder if mia timpanos latest column is out blah blah blah.
anyway i got over it and survived too tell the tale and ofcourse now i am living a wholesome sweet person lifestyle and i go on picnics with my friends and we watch movies and i fall asleep on the couch almost everynight and leisas all "WHATR YOU DOING NINA?" and i just kind of sigh "lazy, im being lazy".
i sigh alot lately, especially after finishing a hard days work i will return home and sit in a shady spot out the back and feel glad that everything can just be still and i can enjoy my cigarette.
my job is so unfortunate but luckily im working with JB of late and you know what we are just amazing at working together, i think we should write monologues or something.
he said i use the word "amazing" alot but that its good, and we sing really loud and trick people "sorry there are noune of thoose left" or "you want a napkin, 10 dollars thanks" and i think that is the only way we can make it through the day considering either of us are usually hung over, lacking sleep or retarded or something.
apparantly i come across as a happy medium somewhere in between funny and retarded. whatever, im not entirely sure how i feel about that.
we swim sometimes (gemma, clare and i) sometimes we do bombshells even though the sign clearly states no bombshells were like.. im gay! i have diabeties! and im having yr child!
almost finished reading EEEEE EE EEE becuase leisa lent it too me and said id like it and you know what i really do. except the bit im up too now after the dolphins killed elijah wood (and sean penn mind you) and the president is making a speech about all of these 'important' things and i hate that, i used inverted comas as whats important too one is not necessarily important too another and maybe not interesting. deal with that mr. president.

zz z zz z zz z zz z zz z

Stephenie Meyer, you are breaking my heart.

This is what I think of when i'm sad.

If I had a lot of money like this lady

I would pay someone to search every book store in Perth for these

But I don't so i'm just sitting in my room staring at Rob Zombie girl.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Rudolph the Red Faced Alcoholic

Is seen here in a rare photo pictured with 18 year old heart throb, Seymour Spaghetti. Why does she go so red? No one will ever know.