Monday, December 28, 2009


Yo Annik Skelton, wanna buy my family off me? I'll trade.

Highlights of Christmas Day included;

  • My sisters boyfriend's facial tattoos
  • Same sister informing my family over Christmas lunch that she has "heard Gracey is living with a drug addict"
  • Facial tattoo man coming into the living room attempting to be jolly and asking me many many questions about the book I was reading. "Good book eh? Must be a good one. You're still reading it! HA!"
  • Stepsisters discussing "hitting the pipe" in front of entire family and no-one batting an eyelid "At least what I'll be doing after lunch will keep me thin!"
  • Everyone else got delightful food hamper presents while I received a hamper of the alcoholic variety (That bit was pretty good actually)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas to all!!!

Sorry little sister, that reverse headgear ain't reversing the "awkward tween" phase you appear to be trapped in.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dardy Manor

This is my new house.

Kat, Nina, Tash and Emiry live downstairs like suckas whilst I lord over them from the attic room. Those are real rubies in my crown too. Me and Nina share a bathroom (bathroom buddies HI 5) and it is always stocked with TP. Emily and Tash have their own bathroom which sucks and they ask to borrow TP from the bathroom kings (Us).

Living in a mansion is pretty hard but someone has to do it I guess. We're having an XXXmas/Ludachristmas again DONT COME!!

Losing My Shit

Around when I first started blogging, I wrote a post about how sometimes Huey's Cooking Adventures made me cry, because I couldn't deal if Huey didn't have any friends IRL. This was an attempt to showcase my sensitive side, which exists.

Not many people I know have seen me cry, because I don't really cry over anything that isn't on TV. The one thing I am guaranteed to lose my shit over is youtube videos about animals either a) dying or b) being reunited with their human friends. The section of youtube that is all "recommended for you" is filled with shit like "Hurricane Katrina Animal Rescue" and "Dog saves man with Diabetes". Way to rub it in youtube!!

Anyway, whilst everyone else is trawling the internet for young asians getting poop shoved in their face whilst getting fucked by a dildo machine (or similar) I have waded through the underbelly of the internet to bring you animal videos that can make me cry in under 30 seconds. I've even watched multiple versions of the same video and selected the ones with the most appropriate theme songs (FYI you can never go wrong with Whitney Houston). Also, if anyone can find me a tape (or TiVo? is that a thing?) of Unlikely Animal Friends, which was on channel 7 last week, please let me know.

Firstly, the classic, the ultimate, Christian the lion:

(one dog gets hit by a car and no one cares except for his BFF dog friend who tries to rescue him!)

Can't wait for this to come out!

I want to see the orginal!

She's so happy!

Lala likes shopping!

I want to say I laughed at this video (see comic sans, grammar, early Britney) but I didn't.



I need the internet.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Business Venture

Jimmy Hats from has said a bunch of different shit to me over the course of the 6 years or so that I have known him.
"I like you."
"Shut up you fucking mole."
"To be honest, I thought I would be passed out before you got home."
"And then she was all like, 'Let's Get Nandos' every time after we fucked. It was rank."
etc etc etc etc.
One thing I never expected to hear from him though was ..
"Can I do your makeup?"

Admittedly he was high as shit at the time and I think he had just ran out of canvas' and wanted to paint something. Here is his handywork.



Obligatory junkie shot!

Anyone that knows me knows that I don't really do makeup, apart from smearing lipstick over and around my mouth when I remember and leaving the imprint on clothes/cups/boys/girls/the ground most times, so the job he did with a half broken eyeliner, a tube of clogged up mascara and some $2 purpley/pinkey eyeshadows is admirable really. We are starting a business venture. Any girls that want a dardy Eurazn artist to come over and paint their face email me on and we will get back to you.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Things you shouldn't do at yr work xmas party

  • knock over two drinks within 10 minutes. with yr butt.
  • contemporary dance
  • hiding under a table so nobody knows how many sausage rolls yr eating
  • get caught by the bouncers under the table eating sausage rolls
  • make out with some dude from yr company in the backseat of a manager's car. Over her child's booster seat.

But make sure you DO power-barf all over your bathroom when you get home just to make that night a little more special (and your bathroom smell like partially digested sausage rolls).

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Life Affirmations!

You know what is really profound? You can totally be whatever you want to be. You can give up your career as a lady who has conquered the "I'm gonna write teeny tiny things on grains of rice and put them in necklace so that hippies will wear them haha how dumb are they?" scene to work NASA, be it the space program or that weird band who rides on guest spots. Be whatever you wanna be. Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Hooray for life!

I learnt this lesson the other day when I was at the Llama Bar (haha!) with Mick Zing. He actually is be what you wanna be do what you wanna be yeah talented and makes awesome posters and is about to graduate and one of you guys reading this should give him a really high paying job. He made this poster/graphics thing for some night, so we went down to check it out.

The only place you could smoke out the back was home to a photography launch of Subiaco variety. Lots of people quaffing champagne and bowls of olives not being eaten precariously placed next to ashtrays. Bright lights, big city, light umbrellas, red carpet, urrone was thin, you get the picture. After standing there awkwardly drinking my $8 pint (Good work Llama Bar btw) a friend Craig Hollywood with us decided to have some fun by grabbing the nearest 45 year old man wearing a turtleneck holding two glasses of champagne and talking to him.

Craig Hollywood: "Sooo.. enjoying the night? Have you met my friend Gracey? She's one of Australia's best up and coming fashion photographers."
Turtle Neck Guy: *shaking my hand vigorously* Why yes! I believe we have met before."
Me: "We have?"
Craig Hollywood: "Where are you mostly based at the moment so much Gracey? I forget, it changes so much. And what was your last collection about?
Gracey: "Well, Melbourne at the moment, but when I'm in Perth I like to kick around with the lowbrow crew. My last collection was based on the "Fuck Terry Richardson, bright flashes and weird props."
Turtle Neck Guy: "Oh yes I've heard about this as well"
Craig Hollywood: "And your studio right now?"
Me: "Umm, based by myself in Melbourne but in Perth it's a studio in William Street, Northbridge called Last Chance"
Turtle Neck Guy: "Oh right, that's in King Street, correct?"
Me: "No. William Street, Northbridge."

At this point I retrieved my phone from my handbag and started msging someone something and in general just being a demure lady. Craig Hollywood took this time to explain to the easy mark about how I was a recluse and didn't really enjoy being out, or crowds. The convo finished with

Turtle Neck Guy: "Well you know, photographers. They're all the same."

In conclusion, lying is pretty much the most fun you can have without orgasms.

I'm too funny, it isn't fair!

When I was a kid these were the kind of guys I thought I would marry when I grew up.

ie: really funny guys, but I'm beginning to realise nobody is as funny as me. It's so sad it came out in a backdoor brag.

These are the types of guys I probably will marry

I think the breast I can hope for is to be the beard of someone rich and/or famous.

Friday, November 20, 2009


whenever one buys clothes, one must always ask themselves "is it possible too conceive a food baby in this?" please understand, noone cares what yr ass look like/how big that junk in yr oversized trunk is. if its small its cute! iddy biddy baby trousers! if its big its ghetto, favella! hawt!

i know so much about fashion, maybe ill even start taking photos and posting them on the blog. heaps of ppl will be wearing skinny leg jeans (skinny leg dreams?)

haha, right. HELLHELL.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


remember when i used too be nice? yeah me neither, that was so 2006.
anyway i actually was pretty sweet in 2006, thats when i was 18 (spring chicken) and i was really great and i used too go too cramplifier every friday AND saturday (commit!), and.. i held back from saying stuff, sometimes because i probably, most probable too offend someone and i didnt want too hurt anyones big gay feelings cause everyone deserves a chance, y'know?
like, everyones nice and nobody actually MEANS too be a jerk, people arent like that! thats not sensible, responsible, endearing or cute.

around a year ago i started too wise up too this bullshit and its not like im queen uber bitch, leader of the gang, beating on peoples asses and what not but i can give you the 411 on TIMES WHEN ITS OKAY TOO BE OFFENSIVE/EXUDE AWESOMENESS. (i will explain this in great detail another day)
i just wanted too put it straight, for the record that it actually feels pretty great too say exactly what you want, you make people cry, vomit, have intercourse wit you, tell ppl when theyre being all "debbie downer" tell ppl you saw them on the internet.. ETC.
this raises another important issue, "debbie downers". what up? definetly not you, yr lower than the ocean... (SO PROFOUND/ORIGINAL) listen i know being sad is sometimes a medical/mental issue but there are just some ppl ive come across who seem like they just dont want too have fun. dude, the way i see it is 80% happiness relys on yr dumb brains, aka "yr tude, attitude" 20% relys on surroundings/other gay shit that happens.
so really, even if the world is falling down around you (ITS NOT, TRUST ME IM SMART) if you can still be all "bicycles, babes, books, long hot summer, partys, shower alot, penpals, embarassing music.." yr gurner be okay! maybe you wont be mustering huge colgate smiles but as long as you know whats up, stay sane.
being depressed isnt cool anymore anyway, were not in highschool anymore and yr not "a kooky individual too quirky for anyone too understand, oh. lament."

seriously, take me to the WAAAHMIS (wa music industry something.)

i had a cool case of the awesomes last night, its really gay too say this burt i really love the fellow chronic dardys i get too hang out with on the regs. they taught me brash and sassy, i , a protegee, lets hifive alot!!


Tuesday, November 17, 2009


i wrote something, but it didnt make any sense. happy horrordays too ewww..

Saturday, November 14, 2009


sometimes there are so many pretty boys too look at, them just exsisting is like visual masturbation.
this is it! summer!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


its because i donut haff no FB or myspizzle or tweeter. i think im 1 of 2 in perth. i am therefore superior too the majority or possibly technologically impolite.

really, both options sounds pretty damn cool if you ask me.


today is one of my very LAST days of employment at my current job. needless too say this induces a constant state of euphoria and "am i entering the third dimension?" type epiphanies in my tiny bean like brain.
i say tiny because once you work anywhere for long enough (anywhere ie. customer service-ish, read:hospitality) you know the ins and outs of the "bizz" like the back of yo hand. therefore yr brain absorbs all the information its learned and once trained up you hit the brain recession, its like the renaissance of yr intellect because yr so used too sucking ass 24/7 you forget how to do normal stuff like go to the grocery store or be in public places or do social things (well in my case..)

anyway, im leaving soon, dear god its for the best. but i have one last parting shot, to YOU.
YOU are the temperaturely retarded woman who asked "can the A/C be turned off OOOH ITS A BIT CHILLY INIT? HAHAHA" and laughed weirdly and hysterically in my sweaty, dead beat face. that happens too me alot, people laughing in my face, but this maxi dress clad broad was enough too make my brain have a million arguments with its common sense coordinator.. who does she think she is? cant she see my sweaty ass haulin ass too get her ass the best? ITS FUCKING HOT WHATS WRONG WITH HER? maybe her maxi dress isnt big/maxi/oversized enough? why should i listen too her? who does she think she is? the fat contoroller? only the temperature/ weather controller bint??

i think my furrowed brow started sweating so profusely she thought i was crying! anyway, long live summer fun... sunscreen etc. etc.

The best day of my life

The other day I was at work (I don't want to do a 'Gracey' so lets just say it is a department store in the city) and this guy walked by my section. He was totally normal looking, dress pants, dress shoes, white button up shirt, mid thirties, very fatherly. Except for that his white shirt was a little transparent and I could see that he was wearing a BLACK BRA underneath it.

At first I thought it might have been a manssiere/bro type situation but he didn't have moobs and also if you were a dude who had to wear a bra you probs wouldn't wear a white shirt over it. Not even girls do that (except for me because I'm a hot bitch).

So anyway I followed him into the lingerie section where he had a bra in between his thumb and forefingers and was rubbing it like it had a knot in its back. Like hardcore. I then went back to my section, squatted on the floor and silently wee'd my pants.

artists impression due to me not having the stones to get a photo of the real guy.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Prom! Grad! Seniors!

I graduate from university in November. It feels like a really big (symbolic) deal but it's probably not. This summer is going to be "graduation summer" and it is the space between me being a (symbolic) teenager and a (symbolic) adult. This means that it is going to be an epic summer. I would really like all my fwends to put our hands down in one of those circles and go "READY TEAM" so we get all psyched. I don't really care about getting a job, just about going swimming. OK!!!

Anyway I am having a party this Friday the 13th. It's a celebration of me, mainly, also us moving out of Avalon, and also it's about being reckless and getting off chops even though you have work at 9am the next day. OK?

Please enter off the laneway behind Beaufort St Post Office, there'll be a garage door open. If you enter from the street you will get tasered, probably.


HI. It’s me, Clarke. Let’s talk nails! I mean, meds. Drugs are kinda gay. Nobody likes lobbers, everyone laughs at junkies, and hallucinogens are ok on holidays, I guess. A million people are “quitting weed” (haha) because they’re not 18 anymore. I think you could say that illegal drugs are like totally out of fashion. Passe! Gross! Gimme a jack n coke!

An old trend still going strong is getting fucked up on prescription meds. It’s way cooler. Even celebrities like MJ are into it. But like, celebrities aren’t cool anyway. Dead celebrities are cool though. This post is going to be pretty on trend.

Benzos are benzos, pain killers are heroin, ADD medication is speed (or meth sometimes). I am kind of lying because they’re not exactly the same molecules, they just belong to the same class of compounds. I feel like I am making an “important point” here tho.

I don’t really care about people getting fucked up on meds (whatever) but shopping around for script-happy doctors and actually spending your pocket money on benzos just for funsies? Yucky. You are pretty much being a giant sucker and giving your money to the worstest guys. I would prefer to give my money to the underdogs, the little honest mom and pop dealers just trying to scratch a living from their cute little meth lab in Spearwood while all the big guys like Pfizer, BMS, Roche are hell stealing their clientele.

Pharmaceutical companies are the worst guys because they are super sneaky. It would be OK if they were all “Oh hai, we are all about the dorrar bills” but instead they pretend that their #1 interest is your health and well being. They make money from sick people, I’m into that, but then they took things up a notch and started making money from not sick people. You can’t really convince the average punter they have cancer when they don’t but you can convince them that they have ADD and depression and anxiety when they don’t. It’s pretty easy and they do it sneaky too!! Pharmaceutical companies make way more junkies outta regular people than dealers do, and it’s all above board and risk free. Also, the illegal junkies are always fucking up and dying so they can’t buy anymore, whilst the regular junkies ain’t gonna die, they’re hooked and ready to spend for the rest of their lives. If I was a doctor I would make a little “CA-CHING!” sound effect every time I signed a script, for giggles.

Sometimes newspapers and magazines are all about promoting mental illness awareness, for the good of the community. They release special liftouts listing symptoms of depression and anxiety, so you can self diagnose and toddle off to the doctor. It’s cute. The lift-outs are normally funded by the companies who make the drugs to fix you, but they keep that a secret and put it in the fine print.

The symptoms listed for generalized anxiety disorder are all nice and vague like “excessive and irrational worrying” and having physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, muscle aches, insomnia and irritability. Oh hey 100% of people I know. Same with depression: low self-esteem, loss of pleasure, insomnia, worthlessness, helplessness. If you break up with someone/have someone die on u and don’t get over it in a month then you are technically classified as clinically depressed. Oh hey 100% of people I know. ADHD is a real winner too because all the symptoms are basically “things kids do to piss off their parents” and also you can make junkies out of 7 year olds. So cute!! They’re all into MAD magazine and also speed.

Some doctors are the worst guys too, they’ve got the prescription pad already out. A sales rep from Pfizer will tell them to really push Xanax this month, Xanax is the one to sell this month. Or whatever. It’s illegal now to give doctors money for prescribing the most meds in the area, but they get ‘bonuses’. You get a bullshit script for oxycontin, they go on a Contiki tour.

Also, sometimes scientific studies are launched into the effectiveness of a particular drug, you know, by independent researchers. The independent researchers research independently, but you know, their study is funded by the pharmaceutical company who makes the drug. The results, you know, aren’t released unless they’re favourable and a potential increaser of sales. All research and development funded by pharmaceutical companies isn’t driven by what is a serious medical problem or what disease is killing the most the people. It’s about $$$$. The most money goes into cancer or heart disease research. Rich people get cancer. Malaria still kills around a million people a year, but no one cares about making new drugs to treat it or prevent it because only poor people get malaria and everybody knows poor people can’t buy drugs.

I know there are people who actually do have mntl prblms and dese meds actually work and are indispensible and great. There’s 0 things wrong with that. But it seems that if you can’t deal with yr problems (I CAN’T DEAAALL) and are bumming hard (GUYS I’M BUMMED) then there is something medically wrong with you. It’s really gay but that Radiohead song that’s all “fitter, happier, sexy, posi!!” (not how it goes) is pretty applicable. Sometimes it’s ok to be a sad, deviant, fat, gross, ill-adjusted, crappy member of society for a while. I’m into it!! It’s weird that people want to buy into the mental health industry just for fun and for getting fucked up. It’s kind of what they would want you to do, it’s all just money to them.

In conclusion, don’t pay for your doctor’s holiday. Steal all your meds! OR take it back to da streets and start wearing those hilarious t-shirts with pictures of aliens saying “Take me to your dealer”. Support mom and pop meth labs. I mean, you’re more likely to die but at least you’ll have a commendable anti-establishment political agenda. Being dead is cool anyway.

In an additional conclusion, I am totally working for a pharmaceutical company when I grow up. It’s the only way I can fulfill my dreams of being a scientist, having no soul, making a living off yr sickness and stacking papes. HEY PFIZER HIRE ME!!

Love From Michael Moore guest starring Clarke xoxoxo

p.s. – I totally take prescription drugs.

p.p.s – not really.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Templates on my phone

• Ewww
• I am late. I will be there at
• I’m in a meeting, call me at
• I’m busy right now. I’ll call you later.
• I will be arriving at
• Meeting is cancelled.
• See you at
• See you in
• Please call
• I love you too
• Happy birthday
• Thank you
• I’m drunk. You should come over

Guess which two I actually use? (I’ll give you a clue, it’s not I love you too or thank you.)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


OMG, like, totally.
he even has the serene swan like posture, seductive eyes and all. celtic green and peachy keen. i bet he survives only on air and swallowing hundred dollah bills.. dreamboat? heavy rimming? or possibly just light rimming... its up too you.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I quit festivals. I have realised that I am too fucking short and I might as well stay home and watch a dvd of whatever artist I have decided that I like because I will be approx 10 bazillion times closer and be able to see 10 bazillion things more clearly than if I actually attempted to watch them at a festival. Also without grossies hanging around and smelling and touching me and I can pay $2 for a beer (or even less with a carton of Export) instead of $12. Dear dude that bloganized me yesterday, why was your shirt so fucking Orange? Who were you? Did you think I was going to bang you or run after you or make friends with you just because you screamed SEE OH DEE and then GRACEY at me? Also last night I got beaten up by a gang of Aboriginals because sometimes I don't know when to shut the fuck up. Lying on the road being kicked in the head is an entirely new experience that isn't as bad as you think it might be, it's kind of liberating. Maybe I should become a street fighter. I think I might start fighting people now that I know it's fuck all. This is my new favourite photo in the world.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


i discovered this blog
this dude is totally killing it! if youre intoo drawing and the like, definetly check it out.


Thursday, October 22, 2009


yes, its true i really do have a FIVE DAY WEEKEND!
new posts soon...

in the mean time check out "menny knows whats whack" on our blogroll, apart from our own blog (which clearly we check constantly because we are lame) it is our most favouritest blog.
and neekersneakers!!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Like a hotter version of Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas

I'm still willing to answer your questions, mail them to

You will be totes anon.

Just don't ask me about the following because they are things I don't understand
  • Twitter. I went on Gracey's twitter account and I didn't get it. I felt like everyone was joking around but I fell in the ice as a child so I just laugh and pretend I get it but everyone knows I don't.

Actually that is all, I have a supreme intellect.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Crappy photos are everywhere. That is really profound so stop and think about it for a second. It seems like everywhere you go there are a million bozos with their "Nikons" and their "Canons" taking photos of whatever it is that you went to. No exhibition, show, party or motherfucking bbq goes undocumented anymore cause no wants to let these glorious events fade into our glory days (see what I did there).

BUT I have a major problem. I don't rly like being in photos. I always seem to look like a jerk in them and I have a range of facial expressions that go from obnoxious to obnoxious. So if I don't get my photo taken at a relevant exhibition how will anyone know I'm relevant and on point? How will anyone know that me, Clarke Weldon, is an important, fashionable youth if I'm not on the party photo/street style circuit and yet still retain my anti-trend, "I hate photos and this narcissistic culture" tood?

Yeah, you're stumped and you feel bad for me. Luckily I am waaayyy smarter than you and have figured out a way to achieve my dreams, reach for the moon and ~*even if I miss I've landed amongst the stars*~ with this little baby.

PHOTOBOMBING WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THIS B4. I will be seen, I'll be in all the right photos but for all the wrong reasons! You'll see the picture in the appropriate street rag and be like "Look at the little deformity in the corner! What a wit! I bet she hates this narcissistic culture!". It's so fool proof! And I have actually (you could call me a 'pioneer' a 'trailblazer' - it's fine) already done my fair share of photobombing. I remember being at Club Bayview in 2006 or so and rolling my eyes back into my head in the background of some biff photos - who some months later actually recognised me at Amplifier and yelled "Hey Brad!! It's the Ghoul! The Ghoul! From Myspace!!". Dude actually went on to try and make out with me so I guess it's also a sexually attractive practice.

So be on the lookout for my possessed face in the b/g of dropstitch, street muse, we met last night, six thousand, drum, xpress! Love Clarke xoxo

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Ye, c'mon

Axe Gemmer

Dear COD,

With november approaching, everyone is going to be growing their upper lip hair in an attempt to cure cancer. I currently sport a tash, and this has left me with 3 main concerns.

A) People will assume I have just grown the moustache for 'Movember'. This is wrong. I couldn't give a fuck about cancer.
2) Every other wanker will be wearing a moustache.
^) Ginger's seem to think that cancer research is an acceptable excuse to grow out their facial hair. It's not.

How am I supposed to express my individuality and crazy sense of humour without an ironic, borderline pubescent moustache?

Moustached in Mt Lawley

Dear Moustached in Mt Lawley,

None of us ACTUALLY care about cancer (its totally a non-issue, right?). However you could take this Movember as a time to tap into some SERIOUS poon. Tell girls that you have raised like $30,000 for cancer research and that you overcame alopecia and an allergy to your own hair to do so. You'll be rolling in the hairy walnut. Girls like nice guys almost as much as they love assholes. Maybe even go after girls that you know have just broken up with bastards, they'll be so into you they'll probs even let you piss on them in the shower.

If this isn't for you then you may have to grow the manliest and best mustache you can muster. Or just cut the damn thing off. Or get a Hitler mustache.

Here is an example of a mustache that triumphs over Movember

But some people aren't as lucky as Andrew Murrassey. It was a miracle that Mexican drifter was passing by his parents house that day 23 years ago and that his dad was at work. And that his Mum was ovulating.

So here are your choices
  • lie in order to get biffed
  • man it up
  • cut it off
  • Hitler mustache
  • steal Andrew's face a la Face-Off

Other ways to show how kooky/quirky/vintage you are

  • wear women's sandals
  • get a tattoo on your face
  • get a manly mustache tattooed on yr face
  • marry your cousin
  • lensless gheyferers
  • start a blog with some of your rockabilly friends

Also, rangs are cute sometimes but nerrbody biffs them so dun worry.

I hope this has helped.

Love from everyone's favorite Agony Aunt,

Jane Donut

If you have a question for me send it to

Little Mommy Munchausen


  • Tissues laced with chloroform
  • 'Medicine' bottle filled with drain cleaner
  • Thermometer laced with animal fecal matter
  • Spoon covered in lead based paint

Monday, October 12, 2009


this is a RETORT in honour of clares post.

me crying on the internet, 3rd degree burns style. kooky lead light glass door in pic? CHECK! a trophy display of bruises and recently washed hair? CHECK!

me trying too let my feelings be known on the internet, but after taking picture realising IM A SHIT IDIOT. IT SAYS "I WUV U QUEER WEE'DON"


Martyr Stewart

Just in case you have been wondering what I have been spending my time doing apart from obsessively playing Barn Buddy and glaring at you on those rare occasions that I leave the house.

Third Degree Burns

Nina and I have spent the past couple weeks trying to out-burn each other. For example, we might go shopping together and I will point out a shirt I like and Nina will reply something like "Oh yeah that's cool, pretty quirky, eccentric, retro, you know, your style". Oh haHA Nina, real clever. Take this: to date, I have made fun of Nina for having a single-speed, home-made tattoos, quirky bangs, indie boobs, omg morrissey, buying tofu desserts, spending $300 at the American Apparel store, black on black vans!!, kooky furniture, kooky hospitality job etc etc (the list literally goes on and on). The most she can come up with for me is for having heaps of stripey t-shirts and for dating someone who is in Frankie magazine (haha). Clearly, I am the master of burns. Clearly.

Anyway, this leads me to write another How to Win At Life/Everybody Should Be More Like Me installment. I know one billion of you have been failing (epicly) since I stopped blogging, and I am really truly sorry that you suck your own balls so hard. This is kinda of a vague guide about how your general life attitude SHOULD be. SHOULD.

Firstly, assume everything about yourself is funny and hilarious. Like, haha, look at this stupid cafe I work in where I get psyched because I can play my own mix CDs. Haha @ my stupid sharehouse in the inner city burbs and at my wardrobe that is either on trend of quirkly off point. Even funnier is all the music/books/films/art I like and probably my hairstyle is funnier than all that COMBINED. Everything you like is dumb.


What is the upshot of this attitude? No one will ever ever one-up you. No one can ever win at burning you if you accept that everything about you is haha, typical and ultimately stupid. When people yell at me from their cars "ARE YOU GOING TO AN ART SHOW" I can be like "I KNOW RITE?". I remember one time Gemma was burning this dude for never having a job and living at home with his parents in a mansion in Joondalup but for having this rad bad dude with a mad bad tood thing going on, and he pretty much almost punched her in the face. If he was just like "I know, I am a big poseur!! Teehee!!" how much better would he be? Super better.

There are some things about you that are for cereal though. For example, if you had something fucked up happen to you, like someone you love dying or getting raped that is totally not funny. I'm not gonna laugh at that. On the other hand, some serious things are kinda funny: like, trying to kill yourself when you were 15 (pretty funny) or being addicted to meth (hahahaha). I'm not sure what other things are serious, probably most things about people in 3rd world countries aren't funny. Most things about the middle class are funny though.

In conclusion, I'm really funny. I'm gonna go give Nina some ointment for her burns. Love Clare xoxoxo

Friday, October 9, 2009


last night i saw my lovely friend igor, for the first time since he had just returned from a european wonderland. AKA. total tan, H&M wearing jerk.
anyhow, igor complained too me that he was, in fact, entering the "amber zone". this is a reference too his WAIT. in reality he is clearly in the "green zone" which means emanciatied (thats right, i coined that phrase) boy model, thin.
when i told him this, he complained (as he has in the past) that NO, NO, NO IM IN THE AMBER ZONE. ALERT! CAUTION!1111!!!1.
so i told him (as i have in the past) that he is incorrect and is actually in the "need to take a dump" zone.

really, i do give the most salient advice. less advice more vices!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Monday, October 5, 2009

I Hate Uncle Chandler

My 11 year old sister is a chronic sleep walker which is fucking hilarious.

The other night she poked her little head into my parents living room and said
"where's Chandler"
My mum being used to this kind of thing went along with it and said "he's gone home"
to which she replied "I hate him" and went back to bed.

In conclusion she watches too much TV.

I thought I had stopped sleep talking but Lucy Buchanan (aka 'Mitch') slept over the other night and said I was talking in my sleep about how she was a bitch or something.

Whatever, if you move to Cairns with yr borefriend yr a total bitch unless you agree to come home asap and bring yr dog.

Slim Pickins

You know how in Arrested Development George Senior gets that one armed man to teach his kids lessons? Well my mum kind of did that to me once. We were on holiday and she asked this guy who was missing his index finger to tell us that he got it stuck while picking his nose and they had to chop it off.

I only remembered this today because I was doing a worst case scenario in my car and I was like wow how shitty would it be if someone rear ended you while you were picking your nose and it got stuck.

Usually my worst case driving scenario is that I'll have a really bad accident while eating junk food and I'll be on the news under the headline "girl in coma, Grand Angus to blame" or something.

Sorry about not being a bloggernaut lately but I'm really unmotivated, I think its because my DVD player broke so I haven't been watching 30 Rock. I've just been watching season three of Skins and My So Called Life which only motivates me to get drunk and wear flannel (in that order).

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hip.. stir?

After numerous drive by insults while riding my bike and my recent trip to Melbourne I've decided to answer the question "What is a hipster.. and more importantly, am I one?" once and for all. I've done hours of research on such popular social networking sites as Facebook and Twitter, and this is what some of what I have come up with.

I phrased the question PLS REPLY AND TELL ME WOT U FINK A HIPSTER IZ? on Twitter and the answers included;

spaks@sexykits jordan kirks is a hipster

Neekatron@sexykits a hipster is an ancient japanese mating ritual involving an empty sheep

Geekbeat@sexykits you're a hipster

spaks@sexykits dats hipsta

Thanks for your help guys.

On Facebook I asked "What is a hipster anyway?" and the replies included some girl posting me the wikipedia definition (More on that later) and these;

Geoffrey Power-King

So, that is two votes for me being a hipster from Twitter AND Facebook. Fuck. Am I one? Most of the ever popular hipster bingos I had already seen are generally New York or London based and really don't apply to a young woman in Perth these days so I feel if I use them for comparison I might be shortchanging it, or myself. Then I checked Aslan's favourite blog (apart from ours) and found one that I thought might be suitable, if Carles didn't take such a heavy irony bath the night before.

My score is looking something like this.

I used to be a party photographer just for free shit, I love Jeremy Scott, in 2007 I real liked to wear Supre text shirts for funs, I own 1 pair of real Wayfarers and 3 pairs of knockoffs (I've now moved onto the Clubmasters), I wear leggings 3 times a week, 2007 was also the year of neon for me, I am friends with tonnes of gheys, I guess James counts as a keut azn, now that I actually have tits I real like to get them out, and I have heaps of alt bros.

Urban Dictionary has a phenomenal amount of entries for the word hipster. I think this one is my favourite.

9. hipster 378 up, 70 down love it hate it

A "hipster" is what "hipsters" call other "hipsters" to detract attention away from their own "hipsterness." A "hipster" was once the word du jour for cool and hip people, but now that its uncool and unhip to be hip and cool, it's what unhip and uncool hip cool people call other hip cool people so that we might not be confused with hip cool people. Cause that would be unhip. Dig?

From all my research the only thing that I have gathered is that the definition of a hipster is a person who would be terribly offended if they were in fact, called a hipster.
So to all you fucks that lean out of your 80s Corollas and scream at me, go ahead. I'm rubber and you're glue and everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.