Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
my mum has told her too wake me up, maybe its because my room looks like a store just spewed everywhere.
mounds of clothes (all clean ofcourse) littering the floor and an empty suitcase when obviously i should have already packed because i knew we were leaving since like 2 months ago but instead of doing the right thing i go out party, amps buy me and anyone else i know beer and bourbon.
then i journey home too have my head in the toilet for half an hour barfing up whatevers in my stomach for today.
okay so im awake now. i thought i was going too pass out in the shower but I MADE IT!!!
its not hungover, i dont get thoose .. thats all throbbing head and nausea.
its my insides that hurt.
my insides are made of stone and grey.
my insides are not mushy like sedimentary clay.
this is my last night out and about, the first time i have gone out two nights in one weekend, ie. im a total nerd.
i started and finished two books this week and im sure ill make much more progress on my holiday.
everyone have fun at amps for me and at die!die!die! and whatever other cool stuff im going too miss out on while im away.
i leave too drink more cougars and enjoy a night of unmannered debaucherousness with my pals.
over and out, love nina marie elliott!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Might even be able to buy all of this stuff including some SVH books, baskets, feather dusters, fake flowers, and my trusty old satin. Not sure if you can buy guys named Fremantle Tim though.
EMAIL email@example.com for the address, or whatever bloody address Gemma is using these days.
*cus our moms gave us stuff, duh
Thursday, November 27, 2008
My brother was just over there (and still is for another 2 days) and the first night he was there he got totally punched out by his 5'5 90 pound weakling Irish ex girlfriend! GO AJA!
I finally get laid again at 1am Melbourne time 14th of December. Fuck yeah.
I'm gonna start making boring passwords from this day forward.
Love Clare xoxo
-A low bank balance
-A seriously boring job (which you suck at)
-Approx. 200 dresses (that you will never wear)
-Approx 100 VHS (including no less than 6 movies starring Hugh Grant)
-A big mouth
-A constant feeling of regret
-A 13 year old's attitude to boys
-A deathly fear of zombies
-The occasional blood nose
-The occasional hives break out
-The cases for various indie CDs with pop hits hidden inside
-A shit hair cut
-Crippling self doubt
Come on guys, everything must go!
Love from Geminem xoxo
I'm in some desperate need of some advice. I've recently discovered that a girl I am interested in also has an interest in me. One night at a party she and I got absolutely smashed, we were talking and well, one thing led to another and she ended up giving me a blow job. Now this (apart from being a mind blowing experience) has left me feeling a little guilty on three things; 1. She currently has a boyfriend whom I think she still has invested feelings in, 2. I know the guy whom she is currently dating and he is generally a nice guy and I feel terrible about what I've done, I really don't want to be the one who destroys their relationship (I feel like its too late now) and 3. About 10 minutes after she gave me a blow job I saw her kissing her bf. Any advice you have would help. Thanks.
Dear King of the Gobbies,
My advice to you depends on whether you actually like this girl and want to take her on a dinner date or if you just want to absolved of guilt.
If you are looking for absolution then I will pretty much give it to you. You aren't PALS with her boyfriend and she decided to cheat on him with you. It also seems to me that if she ran back to him with gobbie mouth and kissed him then I don't think she is going to tell him. So he's a nice guy, it isn't your job to make sure his girlfriend doesn't hand out free BJs. I'm not a boy (really) so I can't know for sure but my guess is turning down a beej from a girl that you actually like would be dang near impossible, you aren't Gandhi.
Now here's my advice for if you like her, Do you really want to be with a lady who can cheat and then act like nothing happened? Chances are she'd do it to you, you'll spend your whole relationship analysing her spit every time you make out for that salty taste.
But if you really do like her then possibly you should go for it because I'm assuming you are young and you don't want to regret anything. As someone who has royally fucked up multiple times I can safely say that regret is one of the worst feelings in the world along with jealousy and being forced to listen to Linkin Park(sp?) at your dumb job.
DO WHAT FEELZ RIGHT BABEE, NO REGRETZ!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
These are my toys
I stole this from my supervisor at work, he spends a million hours on the internets
My pet monster is the best movie ever except it is Canadian so nerrbody has seen it.
And then ran outside.
In conc(conclusion) Clarerulz69696969696969.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
We're having a housewarming/eviction party, you guys should totally come. We really want you there. We live with Betty and Alicia now and they are super cute and you'll get to meet them. Friday the 12th BE THURR, RIGHT THURR.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org for the address, it's somewhere in the heart of bohemian Mt Lawley.
p.s. - we have NO neighbours so it's impossible to get evicted/have our locks superglued this time. suk yeah.
i swear too god these things only happen too me, like the time i got toothpaste in my eye.
or yesterday when i fell down gemma jugaloos stairs because i simply "had too see the chair shaped like a hand, look hand on butt!"
Toe Jam vs /Ear Wax
Not from an orafice /From an orafice
-Probs just sweat and lint /Gooey and yr body created it
-Easier to clean out /Dangerous and annoying to clean out
-Build up won't result in hearing loss /Build up can result in hearing loss
-Makes feet smell (I think) /Duz not make your feet smell
-Kinda out in the open /Hidden in yer ears
-Serves no real purpose /Protects your precious ears
-Tastes great on a cracker /Tastes great on a cracker
But Blurg I still cannot decide, what a wasted 2 hours. Actually if I wasn't writing this I would have been writing my new comic 'Mombutt Loves Shoe'.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I have a dilemma in need of some advice. A friend and I are both interested in the same girl.She is a cutie that works in a mens clothing boutique I ride pass on my bike to and from home everyday.One day when walking passed with my friend we get in a discussion about the cute Boutique girl, he lives round the corner so also frequents the store, and he goes on to tell me how he has been putting in ground work with her and she remembers him from a brief encounter back in high school when he use to have the cool house where everyone could come smoke weed and drink after school. And now they chat when he comes in every now and again. He also confirms that she is single.I was unaware that he knew her during all the time I have been visiting the shop and recently she has been smiling at me as I go by.So the dilemma...He is a good mate that I have known for ages.But i like her....and he has a girlfriend in another country.Plus he works all arvo and night and she works all day. What should I do?! oh, and what are some good frozen meals.
Dear COD reader in romantic distress,*
As someone with experience in the bros-before-hoes (box-before-cocks** for girls) area I would normally tell you that no girl is worth a friendship but for various reasons I will not.
Firstly I think that if neither of you have first based it with her then it is fair game. If you do a gentlemanly side-step and the cutie and your friend start dating you are going to be in much more of pickle if you guys realise that you like each other later on.
Secondly, if the hit 90s film Drive Me Crazy has taught us anything it’s that “high school love is for saps Brad”. So they knew each other in high school? Big deal, you are a hip dude, you read the COD, you like shopping in men’s clothing boutiques and you ride a bike (you should join our bike gang!): clearly a dreamboat.
And finally, a GF in another country? In the wise words of Neil Patrick-Harris your friend needs to “shit or get off the pot”. People tend to take this reference the wrong way, I’m not saying that the cutie is a shit or a toilet I just mean that he needs to man up and commit to the long distance relationship or end it. As for incompatible schedules, that’s the last nail in the coffin dude.
Go for her she’s probably awesome and drinks lunchtime beers and stuff. Maybe use the competition to rev yourself up for it, when I was in year 10 I was always competing with Tara for the top mark in math then I got upgraded to the next math level and since I had nerrbody to compete with I boned it (that is both a true story AND a metaphor!). Just make sure the competition is friendly (although if you need some subtle revenge I do have a Veronica Mars complex, a really good camera and fairly poor morals).
As for frozen meals my personal faves are the Heinz and Lean Cuisine steam fresh meals (if you close your eyes you can almost pretend the chicken is real!!!).
Love from Gemmer
Everyone with a probalo write me! I'm super good at telling people how to live their lives and since i'm such a disgusting human being there will be no judgement (bascially anything shit you've done, I can top it). So sent me some mail at email@example.com
*I take no responsibility for any lives I ruin
**I made that up! I'm smart!
Friday, November 21, 2008
love is all//felt tip
foals//big big love (fig 2.)
die!die!die!//death to the last romantic
the valentinos//the third dimension
sonic youth//chapel hill
xiu xiu//i love the valley oh
david bowie//five years
brand new//sudden death in carolina
matt & kim//its a fact (printed stain)
belle & sebastian//is it wicked not to care
less than zero
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
"Oh you work here? Do you know the boss or something?"
i.e. I am too dumb looking to get a job in a book store, because I obviously don't know how to read. The boss is my uncle and my mom forced him to give me a job because I'm too retarded to do anything else, obviously.
"Okay I'm looking for this book about water. It's like...do you know what an enzyme is?"
i.e. Yeah I learnt in like Year 9 biology class, asshole. I also have a degree in Biochemistry, and that really helps me to direct you to a new-age self help book about the enabling powers of water.
"Can you direct me to someone who can tell me about the (insert computer term here) books?"
Wtf dude? I could be a computer genius for all you know. The best bit was the look on their gay faces when you showed them to the C# programming books and recommended which ones were best. I was totally lying though, I didn't know shit.
"Do you have The Secret in yet? It's like, you probably haven't heard of it, this totally revolutionary book"
I was around when The Secret first came out. In the months leading up to its release, every second person asked for it. Every second human being on the planet is a complete moron. I think that's a proven fact.
Anyway, I am pretty sure I'm not gonna renew my contract as a 'scientist par excellence' (that's the official term) to get a shitty job in retail so I can let my brain atrophy over summer. I'm really feeling this is a good idea.
Love Clare xoxo
p.s. - I finished school now, everybody call me to hang out.
nyargh level: 4/10
the other day i was standing near the museum, quietly, unknowingly on my way too my job as a slave in mount lawley. i spot a briefcase near the timetable and start too get a little 'edgy' thinking it could be some form of terrorist attack or a rebelling against the recission attck. either option meant a bomb, which i was standing 5ft from.
i stood there trying not too act freaked out but tried too face away from the "bomb" thinking, if im going too get fucked up at least i can be a quassimodo with an okay face (phewph!)
in my line of vision i spot this mid 40s man smoking a pipe but kind or stumbling around like he is kind of high or something.
this man is what i like too call a crazy. perth seems too have a high density of these mentally unstable, crazy, middleaged people who lack general motor skills and/or social skills.
so the crazy in question is flailing about and spots some rubbish on the ground near the bin. he picks up the mangled chip packet biffs it in the bin and then picks up an old copy of xpress which someone appears too have shat on.
he props himself up on the bin, opens the soiled newspaper and proceeds too nod at every passer by although it is his duty too "give everyone a good start too the day"
may i remind you this crazy is sitting on a BIN, like actually ON the fucking bin with obviously a high tolerance too unhygenic furniture and im sure it dosent matter anyway he probably dosent brush his teeth.
anyway crazy, deciding his deed for the day is accomplished falls off the bin and intoo the suitcase which turns out too be his.
in all honesty i find the fact he owns a briefcase a tad unnerving like maybe hes some undercover person from waapa out on the streets method acting hardcore and is maybe secretly hugh jackman?
nina vs. cuntstomers.
nyargh level: 8/10
if you are any form of public servant slave person (retail, hospitality) you are sure too be truly knowledgble on the hot topic of CUNSTOMERS.
eg. old, decrepid, rotting woman places an order. similarly old and decrepid friend places order directly after woman. i charge them. rotting woman snaps "she charged us together, its so presumptuous"
HI! im right here you fucking idiot. okay now i have yr attention let me clear this up for you. you, old menopausal woman places order. you offer me no form of payment and yr friend orders 2 second after. when i tell you the total price (which is obviosly alot more than the one beverage you ordered) you dont correct me by saying "were paying seperately"
so yes i am fucking presumptuous. AND RIGHTLY SO.
eg. guy comes in and orders some form of drink and then tells me he wants a "vegetable queef" i said "sorry sir do you mean the vegetable QUICHE?" (cleary stated on the label)
"NO." he says getting aggravated over the food product. "i want the vegetable QUEEF" (points too vegetable quiche) "the pronounciation is QUEEF not queef.''
guy feels triumphant as i, poorly educated slave girl (probably a boat person) is clearly showing my lack of education.
i have this constant smile on my face but i have an undying urge too hit these people across the face with wet towels. or slowly torture them by tying them down and squeezing lemon in their eyes.
CONCLUSION: i need these people like a wet fart too the face.
yr annoyance experiencing blogger,
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
b) put on different jackets and shoes if you have to leave the house (why would you!!)
I'm serious, what should I do?
Please comment and tell me. I am going nuts already.
20 Situations When You Say ‘Ow’ and Someone Asks What’s Wrong and You Can’t Reply Because It’s Embarrassing
2. When you steady yourself with your arm except you accidentally pinch your forearm fat against the bench
3. When you scratch the inside of your nose when you pick it
4. When you step in gum and not realise it and then you sit weirdly on your computer chair (ie on your foot) and then you go to move but your foot is stuck to your undies (possibly the worst moment of my life)
5. When you get carpal tunnel from giving marathon hjs
6. when you wear a pad with wings and the wing curls up and your downstairs get stuck to the adhesive.
7. when your heart hurts when you are listening to Phil Collins
8. Pulling leg muscles being sexual, ie from being on top too long, or from excessive leg o’er shoulder
9. When you get chills listening to Miley Cyrus
10. When you have ripped the shit out of your tongue from eating a whole packet of mini sour warheads and it hurts to do anything with your mouth (talk, drink, eat). it’s embarrassing because you have no self-control.
11. when you’re such a heartless bitch that one of your tear ducts dries up and gets infected and you have to go and watch Gladiator to fix it
12. When you are watching Steel Magnolias with a bunch of people and you have to hold in your tears so they don’t think you’re a sissy (you are).
13. when you sneeze and jump start your period, when you vomit and push out your tampon, when you have a coughing fit and push out your tampon
14. when you’re trying on a tight denim jacket and it hurts to pull off because of the severe eggsma on your arms. And then you go try on a silk robe and say “Ahhh this feels SO GOOD on my rash” and the saleslady looks like she wants to burn you (that one hurts my feelings).
15. When you are a giant weenie and can’t swallow big pills because they get stuck in your throat and make you barf but everyone is taking Cold and Flu tablets and you don’t wanna seem uncool so you don’t bother breaking it in half and sure enough you are heaving like three minutes later.
16. When you spill whiskey on your VJ
17. When you get drunk and duct tape your nipples for hilarity and have to pull it off in the morning when its not funny anymore
18. Not shaving your pitts and then getting a chafe rash under your arms from swinging them too much when you walk.
19. Such severe brash (beard rash) from hardcore making out that the entire lower half of your face starts peeling a day later. This is called late onset brash.
20. When you pull a muscle in your arm/chest from picking out a wedgie on one buttcheek using the arm from the opposite side (this was probably the best injury I ever had).
- - - A compiled list by members of the C.O.D and associates. We can’t say which ones happened to whom because it’s embarrassing. Feel free to comment us with ones of your own!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
i wonder how hot its going too be? one friend told me "you do realise fiji is REALLY hot and humid and theres no way you can wear jeans. plus its sunny HEAPS OF UV RAYS NINA."
okay. that sounds not so promising but there is a bar in the pool so im thinking i can just skip the sun and make like an owl and maybe just come out when the suns not down.
(jk) i will try too make the most of my holiday. i want too be looking touristy and explore the friendly neighbourhood afoot.
i really enjoy tourists who look like tourists, you know they wear shorts and usually have a camera around there neck or alternatively a handy dandy fanny pack, probably containing some form of swissarmy knife and tickets blah blah. oh and they always have maps, yes this part is very important.
anyway i just thought id let you know im totally phsyced too purchase tax free products and spend almost 2 weeks doing whatever i want.
PS// there will be lots of sleeping involved. and essie and i will drink cocktails FROM COCONUTS and maybe even photo opportunities.
PPS// i will be missing out on shock!horror! supporting die!die!die! (NZ) at the rosemount early next month. i highly advise attendance. over and out.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
fried, boiled, in my miegoreng.
joannna sindall even taught me how too make egg in a cup WOWZERS!
i wonder if the reason i like eggs so much is because im a girl, and we are, you know.. eggy?
Afterwards we were all just sitting around talking and everybody seemed pretty normal, except then we realised that everyone else’s conversations were RETARDED like about who would they love more: their cat or a robot version of their own cat. Then I felt the couch near me and Gemma and it was so wet, and Gemma looked really scared and said “I think I peed myself”. We sat there for like 10 minutes thinking about how wet things were until we stood up and realised that the couch and Gemma’s pants were bone dry. Kooky!!
There were some rolled up blankets in the corner that I thought were campers so I turned to Gemma and said “somebody better wake those campers”. She just shook her head and said “no, those are the ghosts of all the children who have died doing Cirque De Soleil”. They were all doing little dances in the corner of her eye to that circus tune (doot doot dootle loodle doot doot doot doot etc).
So obviously me and Gemma are really deep and wise and serious and taking hallucinogens to explore the depths of our powerful minds is pretty woooaahhh. The following sketches were drawn during our “trip” (that word is super gay, it reminds me of that scene in Garden State where Zac Braff takes a lob and goes “I guess I’ll see you guys later” which is so not true, he will see them all night long, except he will have dried spit in the corners of his mouth and he’ll be really annoying to talk to).
Um yeah, so basically all we thought about was what popular bands would be like if they had giraffes fronting them. We also wrote a list of great inventions throughout time:
Anyway then we went for a walk and tried to break into this abandoned house and our legs shrunk as we walked and the next day at work I had to hide in the cupboard under the stairs a la Harry Potter because I thought I was gonna barf.
THE END. LOVE CLARE.
NEXT EPISODE: A photographic journey of the time we dropped a-bombs and went on a hike in Dunsborough. That trip spawned the infamous Pelsy drawings and the coining of the term “niggernuts” to talk about gingernuts, because Arnotts Biscuits is basically being racist again rangas.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
2/3 of these people are great humans.
then theres the 1/3.
that one that you dont want too run intoo.
the one where you do that awkward, forced "HI! HOW ARE YOU?" thing and you dont know wethar too stop or not because you just know its going too lead intoo that "so what are you doing these days, are you and (blank) still together? are you at uni" conversations
ie. complete and utter crap that you dont care about because you secretly despise this human.
i went too stop, thinking it was the polite thing too do.
thinking she would be all "yeah im still dancing blah blah"
and i could be all "wow! OMGZ! how you going with that? what a career path hey, one day you might grow up too be one of britneys back up dancers, HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!"
anyway, if i could do it again i wouldve said nothing.
the point of this post is, stupid people are not worth yr time, effort or words.
and by stupid people i dont mean intellectually stupid or even that they dont like the same things as you.
i just mean invest yr time in worthy people and also im so glad im not in highschool anymore.
does everyone else have repressed anger towards the 90% jerks that inhabbited their highschool?
Sunday, November 9, 2008
"Hey .. you dont know me and I dont know you.. But heres the thing.. We dont live anywhere near each other.. And the other more important detail is I think you are unbelievably attractive. So lets have some fun. We might as well send each other naked pics.. I mean we dont live anywhere near each other. So take this adventure with me.. Ill even go first.. "
That's not the creepy thing, btw. I went on "Joe"'s profile, who is apparently 40 years old and from Arizona. He looks about 12 years old from his pictures though.
He has a picture of him and his dad, and his dad is wearing a t-shirt that MY dad has. WTF! DAD SWAP!
Love Clare xoxoxo
p.s. - my message back: "U 1ST!!"
When dogs fall asleep on their backs
When babies are cold so they have to wear so many clothes that they look spherical
When little kids tell really long retarded stories
When anyone ever pulls this face:
My dog Mikey right now, he is real scared of the sounds a lawnmower is making and he is all rubbing his nose on my arm so I will pat him.
Anything Mikey (back) and Burgerbrain (front) do ever.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Congratulations Barack Obama on being the first black American president EVER! I know you are an avid COD fan.
Now I can no longer laugh when black people play the president in movies.
I also want you to know Mr President sir that you are a mega-babe and if anyone tries to assassinate you i'll be rally rally mad. Also I am available these holidays to do an internship, I enjoy wearing berets (sp?), red lipstick and gobbies (HINT HINT). You may have only just been elected president of america but you have always been the president of my heart.
Love from Gemma Lewinsky (sp?)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
where has he been anyway? i have herd whsipers of past moped riding too his gfs house but i am not entirely sure. they dont do amps anymore :'(
COMON GUYS WHERE YOU BEEN?!
semi green banannas, the ones that leave that weird chalky feeling/taste in yr mouth.
boiled eggs, add pepper and yr choice of condiment DONE!
no meat cheese burger triple cheese, they always stuff the order up but its worth the wait.
later on in life he will pioneer the zip seal pouch, keeping yr tobacco fresher for longer.
oh and i once had too give him my beverage in mcdonalds cause he was lobbing out. too much.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Then I met Jo and I was introduced to the concept of "the photo ruiner". She is probably gonna think I am really creepy but I looked through photos of her on FBook and kinda died laughing. She has a really beautiful face:
What an inspiration! My other photofase option is to think up a 'bread and butter' pose like Rash Cough and throw that about town:
Or you know, I could just be a normal person and not overanalyse every single thing I do.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
i donut have a cd player anymore, i gave one too a girl i used too live with in wembley and then my other one kept making weird noises like ALL THE TIME so i had too bin it. now the only thing i have is a radio/tape player. i own about 7 cassettes including talking heads, thompson twins, air supply, the beach boys, blur, famous five and the soundtrack from the jetsons movie (suprisingly 90s hip hop vibe)
i need more variety so will definetly have too invest in more.
DRAWING: i have been doing more stuff lately which is good especially considering i would like too make an appearance at tafe some time next year. i have been working on some themed compilation cds, making front AND back covers. fun!
maintaining a watch collection, i have 9 so far and would like this collection too grow and expand (naturally) i have this one awesome mickey mouse one that plays a tune and i used too annoy the shit out of gracey by playing the tune then breaking it down, remix and repeat.