Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Fucking Stalker



Before I start this I am going to warn you that this is not a very funny blog post but it will be useful as a forerunner for any posts covering related future events. I could also prove useful as evidence for the police if I am murdered or assaulted.

For someone who rarely leaves her apartment I get myself into a lot of bullshit situations and this is possibly one of the worst. Although I technically didn't get myself into it, unless its karma then I'm sure I have done something to warrant this.

This all started about two months ago when I went to go ask a customer if she needed any help only to find that she was not shopping but checking out her ass in the mirror. When she saw me staring at her she rapidly explained that a guy had just told her that she had a fat ass and she was checking to make sure that she didn't. When I say she said this rapidly I mean that she sounded like someone who was on crack or speed (are they the same thing?). I told her that her ass wasn't fat and that she shouldn't worry, she went on to tell me that guys treat her like crap. It was a surreal experience, she was definitely on crack/mental. Mid sentence she broke off and said "thanks a lot" and walked away.

Since then I see her all the time, mostly at my work. She comes into my work (I work in a department store) and mills around my section EVERY DAY. She also stares at me a lot. I also see her all over the city, I even helped her carry cat food to the counter of a convenience store at her request.

At first I thought it was a run-of-the-mill stalker situation, like maybe she had seen me at a gay bar or something and had a big ol' lesbian crush on me. But that would have been too simple and nothing is ever simple in the land of donut.

So she came into my work yesterday and asked to put something on hold saying that she would definitely come back and get it. After she left I told my assistant manager that I think she is stalking me on account of me seeing her everywhere that I am. And the staring. And the crazy chats we have had. She came back in today to pick up what she had on hold (I was not there) and proceeded to have an insane conversation with someone working at a neighbouring counter about how she believes someone who works in my section is having an affair with her boyfriend. That's why she is always there.

I know what you are thinking, how do I know she is talking about me? There ARE a couple other girls working in my section but one looks about 16 years old (sorry Alex) and the stalker lady is about 30, it COULD be the other girl but she talks about her boyfriend a lot. Based on the fact that I am the only one who has noticed her in my vicinity a lot and staring at me I am 70-80 percent sure that she thinks it is me. Unless her boyfriend has a vagina it is definitely not me. Actually even if that is the case it isn't me.

Is she going to murder me? Does she already know where I live? I already have to keep a knife by my door after telling a dude who recognised me from my apartment complex what number apartment I live in AND that I live alone (I was tired and distracted by my sudoku puzzle). I have devised a couple plans of attack to try to resolve the situation.

1) Go up to her and say "hey I see you around here a lot, do you live in the city?" in an attempt to get a confession about her/make her realise that I am ON TO HER

2)Every time I notice her in my vicinity talk loudly about how much I like vaginas and boobs

Not sure which one I am going to choose, might just play it by ear.

If anything else happens I'll let you guys know.

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