Monday, November 21, 2011

Friday, November 11, 2011

Axe Gemmer

It's been a while since someone sent me an Axe Gemmer so if you are experiencing personal problems/dilemmas/whatever DONUT IS HERE TO HELP.

In related news: today I have eaten half a bag of Twisties, a turkey ham sub, 6 energy drinks, a coffee and Vegemite on crackers.

What I have been doing on the internet lately

It's exam time so naturally I am on the Internet pretty much 24/7 eight days a week.

  • I was just reading this article on and they mentioned a dating website for people with STDs, so naturally I checked it out because they told me not to. The thing is that when you register/search singles you type in your preferred STD and you can pick chlamydia and thrush (is thrush even an STD?). Why are people living with chlamydia and thrush? Aren't they are totally treatable? Maybe it is for Christian scientists or whoever those weirdos are who don't believe in medication (the extent of my knowledge in this area is that episode of Curb where Richard Lewis dates a Christian scientist with a nut allergy).

I can't see who is actually living with these conditions without creating a profile and knowing my terrible luck with these types of situations, it would almost definitely come back to haunt me so we will just have to speculate.

  • If you know me well it is likely that you have heard me mention once or twice that you shouldn't buy coffee from Gloria Jeans because some of its profits go to anti-abortion propaganda and indoctrination. Today I decided to do some research to make sure I hadn't just pulled this one out of a asshole and as it turns out that I was right; the owners of Gloria Jeans in Australia are members of Hillsong church and used to sponsor a Hillsong initiative called Mercy Ministries. It dealt with (among other things) women with unwanted pregnancies and homosexuals. They claimed that the services were free and offered support from psychologists, dietitians, general practitioners and counsellors, when in reality they were forced to sign over their centrelink benefits and were only offered counselling from bible students. The program was also obsessed with homosexuality, grouping it with witchcraft and drug abuse, also they allegedly practiced exorcism. All Gloria Jeans stores had to be outfitted with donation boxes for Hillsong even though the church banked $40 million in 2004. So yeah, fuck that shit.
If you don't care about Gloria Jeans role in taking advantage of vulnerable women you still should probably avoid at least some of the menu, including the Mocha Chiller Coco Loco as it contains 95.5g of sugar (106% of an adult's recommended daily intake).

  • I have half-heartedly (because I don't entirely understand how U.S. election process works) been following the republican candidates for U.S. presidency

This tumblr about the ridiculous sexual deviant Herman Cain is pretty spot on.

"Hey, remember that time Herman Cain was asked what he thought of the PATRIOT Act, and nailed it with this response: “I think that the PATRIOT Act is about 90 percent right on. I can’t delineate to you exactly what I would want to change, but here again I would rather error on the side of caution and protection, rather than worry about that ten percent that I might have a problem with”? That was really out there!"

And this SNL spoof of a future GOP debate is fairly amazing also (thanks Laura!)

  • If you haven't read this Hyperbole and a Half post then you should probably do that right now. I have probably read it about 30 times.

"When a mayor says that he wants to “Clean up the city” he really means that your body is a wonderland because you’re actually listening to a John Mayer song, not a mayoral speech."

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Fucking Stalker

Before I start this I am going to warn you that this is not a very funny blog post but it will be useful as a forerunner for any posts covering related future events. I could also prove useful as evidence for the police if I am murdered or assaulted.

For someone who rarely leaves her apartment I get myself into a lot of bullshit situations and this is possibly one of the worst. Although I technically didn't get myself into it, unless its karma then I'm sure I have done something to warrant this.

This all started about two months ago when I went to go ask a customer if she needed any help only to find that she was not shopping but checking out her ass in the mirror. When she saw me staring at her she rapidly explained that a guy had just told her that she had a fat ass and she was checking to make sure that she didn't. When I say she said this rapidly I mean that she sounded like someone who was on crack or speed (are they the same thing?). I told her that her ass wasn't fat and that she shouldn't worry, she went on to tell me that guys treat her like crap. It was a surreal experience, she was definitely on crack/mental. Mid sentence she broke off and said "thanks a lot" and walked away.

Since then I see her all the time, mostly at my work. She comes into my work (I work in a department store) and mills around my section EVERY DAY. She also stares at me a lot. I also see her all over the city, I even helped her carry cat food to the counter of a convenience store at her request.

At first I thought it was a run-of-the-mill stalker situation, like maybe she had seen me at a gay bar or something and had a big ol' lesbian crush on me. But that would have been too simple and nothing is ever simple in the land of donut.

So she came into my work yesterday and asked to put something on hold saying that she would definitely come back and get it. After she left I told my assistant manager that I think she is stalking me on account of me seeing her everywhere that I am. And the staring. And the crazy chats we have had. She came back in today to pick up what she had on hold (I was not there) and proceeded to have an insane conversation with someone working at a neighbouring counter about how she believes someone who works in my section is having an affair with her boyfriend. That's why she is always there.

I know what you are thinking, how do I know she is talking about me? There ARE a couple other girls working in my section but one looks about 16 years old (sorry Alex) and the stalker lady is about 30, it COULD be the other girl but she talks about her boyfriend a lot. Based on the fact that I am the only one who has noticed her in my vicinity a lot and staring at me I am 70-80 percent sure that she thinks it is me. Unless her boyfriend has a vagina it is definitely not me. Actually even if that is the case it isn't me.

Is she going to murder me? Does she already know where I live? I already have to keep a knife by my door after telling a dude who recognised me from my apartment complex what number apartment I live in AND that I live alone (I was tired and distracted by my sudoku puzzle). I have devised a couple plans of attack to try to resolve the situation.

1) Go up to her and say "hey I see you around here a lot, do you live in the city?" in an attempt to get a confession about her/make her realise that I am ON TO HER

2)Every time I notice her in my vicinity talk loudly about how much I like vaginas and boobs

Not sure which one I am going to choose, might just play it by ear.

If anything else happens I'll let you guys know.