HOW TO WIN AT LIFE

STEP ONE

DON'T THROW YOUR PHONE IN THE DARK IN HYDE PARK.

STEP TWO

DON'T PUT YOUR CHANGE IN YOUR BRA BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO POCKETS WHEN YOU BUY DRINKS AND THEN WHEN A GOLD COIN FALLS OUT YOU LOOK DOWN AND THINK 'OH, TREASURE!!' BEND DOWN AND FALL ASS OVER TIT.

STEP THREE

DON'T FIGHT WITH PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF BEAUFORT STREET BECAUSE THEN YOU WILL NEVER BE IN A FIXIE GANG OR IF YOU WERE IN ONE, YOU WILL BE TURFED OUT FASTER THAN YOU CAN ROLL DOWN YOUR JEANS.

STEP FOUR

DON'T ORDER A GRILLED CHICKEN BURGER AND TAKE THE WHOLE BURGER OUT OF THE WRAPPER AND THEN WHEN YOU BITE INTO IT THE PATTY FALLS INTO A PUDDLE.

STEP FIVE

DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER FALL IN LOVE.

STEP SIX

DON'T GET SO ANGRY YOU THROW A BOTTLE AT A TAXI AND THE BOTTLE BOUNCES OFF IT AND HITS YOU, SPRAYING BEER AND GLASS ALL OVER YOU.