Cool Conversations With My Mom

M: You smell good!
C: That's my eggz-ma cream.
M: You mean eczema?
C: Yeah.
M: Gross.

Disney Hierarchy

I rully hate it when you ask someone what their favourite Disney movie is and they're all THE LITTLE MERMAID. Like wtf, who are you. That tells me nothing about yourself. It's kinda like saying The Arcade Fire is your favourite band. The Little Mermaid isn't even THAT good, the best part is when Flouder says "I'm not a guppy" and looks really angry. Sometimes when I get angry in real life I say that under my breath and it's empowering. I guess I really like the Kiss the Girl song too (because the back up singers are frogs!) and Homer Simpson's version of Under the Sea is amazing too. The worst classic animated Disney movie of all time is Sleeping Beauty, mainly because it offends me (as a woman) and Prince Charming isn't even that dardy (wtf at his eyebrows) but I digress. Snow White is shit too, and I even got bored watching Fantasia after a million Doobie Brothers shows. Things like Pocahontus and (I'm sorry) Mulan are okay and everything, but I don't feel the passion. I don't really get the Aladdin hype that much either, and A Whole New World is the most homo song to exist in the history of the universe forever. Get that as a tattoo Bowser! Don't you dare close your eyes!

If you are gonna say a mainstream Disney movie is your favourite, you are allowed to say The Lion King because it's really good. Like if you are on a game show and someone asks What Is the Best Disney Movie then you should probably say The Lion King because you'll win a Hummer or something (if you are on the same game show and they ask What Is The Best Colour, you should say green because you'll win too, you'll be a returning champion). Other acceptable Disney movies you are allowed to rave about are Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, Dumbo, Bambi and Lady & The Tramp.
If you are trying to impress me by saying An American Tail, The Land Before Time or All Dogs Go To Heaven are your favourite Disneys, NICE TRY ASSHOLE. Like no actually, good try, I count those movies among my favourites but they are all Don Bluth movies (I am so embarrassing), not Disney. Don Bluth is the master of the animated tear jerker (Immigrant mouse playing the violin after the 'death' of his son? I am not made of stone!).

Anyway, my favourite Disney movie is probably The Rescuers (the first one, Down Under was kinda bad) or maybe Robin Hood. These are good answers, mainly because I have universally acknowledged perfect taste. When I was a young girl with a bowl haircut who exclusively wore matching trackpant/track jumper outfits, these were the movies I would watch over and over. I really related to Penny the orphan, mainly because I would have been too ugly to get adopted too! The Rescuers is probably the reason I feel shit working in a lab that uses mice because like what if they are members of the Rescue Aid Society and we just killed them to speriment on their brains?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN1W5iq4724&feature=related

Love Clare xoxoxo

P.s - I haven't talked about all Disney movies (especially post 90s ones) because I really need to do a wee. If you want my opinion on an animated movie (you probably do, I have perfect taste) then I can maybe give it to you.

How To?

Christopher James Michael Jones and I just had a high powered business lunch where we exchanged files, made fun of iphones, etc etc at Subway. (Because I know you're all interested, he had a foot long meatball with chipotle south west dressing, olives, jalapenos, bacon and some other junk. I had a six inch ham with cucumber, tomato, cheese, olives, and honey mustard and mayo)

Anyway, our general table was stolen by some dicks, so we maneouvered ourselves outside QV1 where we were greeted by the most wranga wranga that had ever wranga-ed pretty much. It was like if Pippy Longstocking was a boy who became a computer engineer and started wearing ill fitting grey suits and wraparound sunglasses. Chris left to go to his building to pick up a cd for me, and I overheard the rules of Dardis, according to Wrangas.

Wranga: So yeah like, she messaged me last night mate, and she sent the first message and the last message. That's definitely the way to go.

*Nods all round from other non wranga business men*

Wranga: So I'm keeping her keen right, I mean I'll wait till at least 4 to 5 days after I fuck her to make contact. It's the way to go.

I'm sure we can all learn a little something from this.

Oh, hello.

This is pretty much the best photo I have ever seen that accurately portrays 'The Weekend'. It's hard to capture that energy in photo form, right? Kind of like in The Simpsons when dignity is like, a blob with a dot in it.

Happy Birthday Nina!

Sunday Nights

Sunday nights are generally the pits, really. If you're a Dolly Parton like most of the working world then it's the night you face the reality that the next 5 days are going to be spent doing something that you don't really want to do, for less money than you think you deserve.

Unless you are Perthonalities like Richard Cleverley and I and you do this.

Welcome to the Lionfish IV, our home for the next 6 hours.
The night started with the aforementioned glamorous motherfucker Richard Cleverley and I drinking Grey Goose on my balcony overlooking the entire C.O.P. skyline. We were going to catch a train, but we knew that this night was special, and we didn't want to fucks with anything as menial as public transport, so we taxi-ed straight to Fremantle. When we got there, this guy was waiting for us.

These fags were trying to get on.

It's alright, Karl was all "You shall not pass."

Petro ate some pizza and looked really contemplatively Greek.

The snitch was there, we were gonna push him overboard but then we decided to let him live out his miserable life. Besides, there were hell lobbing guz to look at.

By this point the boat hadn't even left the dock.

Ahh, there we go.

That girl in the red splattered dress was crying by the end of the boat trip because I threw one of her shoes overboard.

Oh yeah, The Presets were DJ'ing. Well, the semi receding hairline half.

Bowser was chopping.

Richard and I had partaken in a lobster dinner each, so we wanted to see what would happen if we went in here.

What happened was we met the Captain. His highlight of the night was some drunk girl vomiting on herself and then taking all of her clothes off, so he could hose her off.

We thought his sign wasn't working very well, so we made him a new one.

Richard met his Dream Girl.

They were wearing His 'n' Hers versions of the same shoe.

An impromptu battle started.

Then it was time to dock. As everyone was gathering up their stuff and falling out onto the jetty and exclaiming and stuff, some girl was almost crying. It was the same girl we'd seen fall down the steps earlier on in the night, and she asked us if we'd seen her bag.
Richard: No, I haven't seen your bag. But it could be worse.
Close to tears Girl: How? How could it be worse?
Richard: I could have lost my bag.

Quote from this guy "Just because my girlfriend's preggerz with my kid doesn't mean she needs to know where the fuck I am all the time"

This is our insane taxi driver home. We were wondering why Waxe was being so quiet in the front seat while we were in the back making fun of his world music that suddenly went all drill and bass in the middle. Waxe told us when we got out that the taxi driver had been swerving all over the road, and looking at Waxe, then speeding up into red lights. We didn't notice at all.
Thanks Joshy! You totally deserve that clown car filled with sluts that pulled up to your house at 5am in the morning! The ones Cameron Stack wouldn't even touch!

The End.

magic, spells

last night upon the discovery of "jerk chicken" i was left in a crylaughing mess on the floor.
i cant believe its real jerk!
jerk, the spice of life!
gracey said "yes nina, jerk really is real.. stop laughing. its not just some word we use."

no, its not - its so much more than that. jerkalicious.

tonight is my last night at amps as a teen. cruel, cruel world. i wont be anybodys hero now!

youve got everything now

things finally went nicely for G.O.D and N.M.E when our application for a svelte little apartment on bulwer street was accepted. yay! we have a home! c.o.d HQ!
(for further reference clare and gems is also c.o.d HQ just 9 minutes away)
from the outside, our apartment looks like a gangster ghetto haven. and it pretty much IS. theres a wheeless bike in our carpark, potholes for days and.. im pretty sure the other week gracey and i saw a pimp, hecka pimped up, pimping IN OUR DRIVEWAY, plus he even had one of thoose pimping hats thats decked out with a feather.
juniors graffd our walls all "tom and tracey forever 06" blah blah blah. everytime you walk up the stairs youre witnessing this disgusting display of lob etched intoo our walls. eew.
BUT// you know what they say, its whats on the inside that counts. and lucky for that because our apartment is like the super sweetest explosion of cute.
living in dardia makes you all mushy on the inside..


PS// last night gem was talking too a man of the night off our balcony. she asked him what his sign was. he replied "scorpio" i said they were heaps compatible (lie, i dont have a clue) the end.