Bitches 'B' Crayzee

Some Owen Pallett Covers

Because I am too tired to write about gross stuff like periods.

She's a Talker

Axe Gemmer

It's been a while since someone sent me an Axe Gemmer so if you are experiencing personal problems/dilemmas/whatever DONUT IS HERE TO HELP.

axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

In related news: today I have eaten half a bag of Twisties, a turkey ham sub, 6 energy drinks, a coffee and Vegemite on crackers.

What I have been doing on the internet lately

It's exam time so naturally I am on the Internet pretty much 24/7 eight days a week.

• I was just reading this article on Cracked.com and they mentioned a dating website for people with STDs, so naturally I checked it out because they told me not to. The thing is that when you register/search singles you type in your preferred STD and you can pick chlamydia and thrush (is thrush even an STD?). Why are people living with chlamydia and thrush? Aren't they are totally treatable? Maybe it is for Christian scientists or whoever those weirdos are who don't believe in medication (the extent of my knowledge in this area is that episode of Curb where Richard Lewis dates a Christian scientist with a nut allergy).

I can't see who is actually living with these conditions without creating a profile and knowing my terrible luck with these types of situations, it would almost definitely come back to haunt me so we will just have to speculate.

• If you know me well it is likely that you have heard me mention once or twice that you shouldn't buy coffee from Gloria Jeans because some of its profits go to anti-abortion propaganda and indoctrination. Today I decided to do some research to make sure I hadn't just pulled this one out of a asshole and as it turns out that I was right; the owners of Gloria Jeans in Australia are members of Hillsong church and used to sponsor a Hillsong initiative called Mercy Ministries. It dealt with (among other things) women with unwanted pregnancies and homosexuals. They claimed that the services were free and offered support from psychologists, dietitians, general practitioners and counsellors, when in reality they were forced to sign over their centrelink benefits and were only offered counselling from bible students. The program was also obsessed with homosexuality, grouping it with witchcraft and drug abuse, also they allegedly practiced exorcism. All Gloria Jeans stores had to be outfitted with donation boxes for Hillsong even though the church banked $40 million in 2004. So yeah, fuck that shit.

If you don't care about Gloria Jeans role in taking advantage of vulnerable women you still should probably avoid at least some of the menu, including the Mocha Chiller Coco Loco as it contains 95.5g of sugar (106% of an adult's recommended daily intake).

• I have half-heartedly (because I don't entirely understand how U.S. election process works) been following the republican candidates for U.S. presidency

This tumblr about the ridiculous sexual deviant Herman Cain is pretty spot on.

"Hey, remember that time Herman Cain was asked what he thought of the PATRIOT Act, and nailed it with this response: “I think that the PATRIOT Act is about 90 percent right on. I can’t delineate to you exactly what I would want to change, but here again I would rather error on the side of caution and protection, rather than worry about that ten percent that I might have a problem with”? That was really out there!"

And this SNL spoof of a future GOP debate is fairly amazing also (thanks Laura!)

• If you haven't read this Hyperbole and a Half post then you should probably do that right now. I have probably read it about 30 times.

• I have read all of Clients From Hell, what a wild ride.

• This is one of my favourite tumblrs at the moments.

"When a mayor says that he wants to “Clean up the city” he really means that your body is a wonderland because you’re actually listening to a John Mayer song, not a mayoral speech."

My Fucking Stalker

Before I start this I am going to warn you that this is not a very funny blog post but it will be useful as a forerunner for any posts covering related future events. I could also prove useful as evidence for the police if I am murdered or assaulted.

For someone who rarely leaves her apartment I get myself into a lot of bullshit situations and this is possibly one of the worst. Although I technically didn't get myself into it, unless its karma then I'm sure I have done something to warrant this.

This all started about two months ago when I went to go ask a customer if she needed any help only to find that she was not shopping but checking out her ass in the mirror. When she saw me staring at her she rapidly explained that a guy had just told her that she had a fat ass and she was checking to make sure that she didn't. When I say she said this rapidly I mean that she sounded like someone who was on crack or speed (are they the same thing?). I told her that her ass wasn't fat and that she shouldn't worry, she went on to tell me that guys treat her like crap. It was a surreal experience, she was definitely on crack/mental. Mid sentence she broke off and said "thanks a lot" and walked away.

Since then I see her all the time, mostly at my work. She comes into my work (I work in a department store) and mills around my section EVERY DAY. She also stares at me a lot. I also see her all over the city, I even helped her carry cat food to the counter of a convenience store at her request.

At first I thought it was a run-of-the-mill stalker situation, like maybe she had seen me at a gay bar or something and had a big ol' lesbian crush on me. But that would have been too simple and nothing is ever simple in the land of donut.

So she came into my work yesterday and asked to put something on hold saying that she would definitely come back and get it. After she left I told my assistant manager that I think she is stalking me on account of me seeing her everywhere that I am. And the staring. And the crazy chats we have had. She came back in today to pick up what she had on hold (I was not there) and proceeded to have an insane conversation with someone working at a neighbouring counter about how she believes someone who works in my section is having an affair with her boyfriend. That's why she is always there.

I know what you are thinking, how do I know she is talking about me? There ARE a couple other girls working in my section but one looks about 16 years old (sorry Alex) and the stalker lady is about 30, it COULD be the other girl but she talks about her boyfriend a lot. Based on the fact that I am the only one who has noticed her in my vicinity a lot and staring at me I am 70-80 percent sure that she thinks it is me. Unless her boyfriend has a vagina it is definitely not me. Actually even if that is the case it isn't me.

Is she going to murder me? Does she already know where I live? I already have to keep a knife by my door after telling a dude who recognised me from my apartment complex what number apartment I live in AND that I live alone (I was tired and distracted by my sudoku puzzle). I have devised a couple plans of attack to try to resolve the situation.

1) Go up to her and say "hey I see you around here a lot, do you live in the city?" in an attempt to get a confession about her/make her realise that I am ON TO HER

2)Every time I notice her in my vicinity talk loudly about how much I like vaginas and boobs

Not sure which one I am going to choose, might just play it by ear.

If anything else happens I'll let you guys know.

Yeah Facebook, you got me all figured out.

Famous People I Have Met

In 1999 I went to a Telethon party at Challenge Stadium and met some pretty famous aussie celebs (I was 12). Other famous people I have met have resulted from me being generally influential.

(1) Sister2Sister



This was Australia's answer to Tegan and Sara (except they weren't gay and I think Tegan and Sara came after Sister2Sister). They were really nice to me as I was being crushed in the line to get their autograph (not kidding).

(2) Ryan Kwanten



This was before True Blood, when he was just Vinnie from Summer Bay (jailed for fraud). I kept a signed picture of him in my school desk until 2001 when I realised that life was too short to like biffs (9/11 never forget). When I was 14 I had a crush on a guy called Vinnie and when he called, instead of saying "Gemmer, Vinnie is on the phone" my brother would yell "VINNIE PATTERSON, IN JAIL FOR FRAUD."*

(3) Shelley Craft



You may recognise her from Australia's Funniest Home Videos (now known as 'YouTube'), but back in the "rad" 90s she was a host on Saturday Morning Disney. I plum did not like her so I challenged her to a duel in an inflatable gladiator ring. I was 12 and I BEAT HER ASS. Ruthlessly. AND I was wearing a pair of skants (skirt-pants).



I could not find a photo of the kind of skants I was wearing so I drew a picture.



RAWR

(4) Bright Eyes



When Clarke and I were in high school we were in love with Conor Oberst, so when they announced that they were supporting REM's Australian tour we jumped at the chance to ask our parents to buy us tickets. Then tragedy struck...they announced a solo show. We considered scalping our tickets but we were 17 and didn't know how to be shady. In the end we went to both shows. At the REM concert we got bored and decided to dance in the foyer where we were picked up by the Bright Eyes' seedy manager (because Clarke looked like a pedophile's wet dream). He took us backstage where I was nervous and as a result got increasingly drunk.

All I remember is Conor Oberst being incredibly high and listening to French Hip Hop, spying on him while he did a wee and trying to force feed him Passion Pop on the basis that it was an Australian tradition. I also jumped up and down on the creepy manager's hotel bed followed by a cheeky vom in his toilet. Then I ate a rotten apple from the hotel lobby's fruit bowl. Then Clarke and Lucy took all the money out of my wallet and dumped me at the Subiaco train station. Oh and Mike Mogis was really nice.

I no longer love the band Bright Eyes.

(5) John Safran



This was a really big deal for me because when I was 15 my parents used to go out on Mondays and I would watch John Safran's Music Jamboree, Life Support, Queer as Folk, and then Oz (all four shows had a direct impact on how I turned out). The dream ended when my brother walked in on me watching Oz, thought it was gay porn and banned me from my Monday night viewing/mazzfest. John Safran said he liked my shoes and tried to bang my friend Beck.

(6) One of the two dudes from Yo La Tengo



I was pretty drunk. I bought a shirt off him.

Oh and I saw that stupid blonde kid from X Factor at the CBD bar last week, he has a weird tan. AND the Introvert-Extrovert guy applied for a job at my work but he was weird and nobody wanted to hire him. He came in about 7 times for an update on his job application which at the time I thought was awkward, but in the end it didn't matter.

When I was 18 I worked at an IGA and one of my regulars looked really familiar so I assumed he was famous. Turned out that he just looked heaps like MacGyver.




THE END

*Because Ryan Kwanten's character Vinnie (Home and Away 1987-present) was jailed for fraud and then the prison he was in caught fire and he DIED)

THE GO BETWEEN

cant wait to be done with school! only 4 weeks to go. the smell of summer (sunscreen, hot chips and vaguely coconut) is in the air. looking forward to being a member of the human race again (social interaction, leaving the house, possible employment, sangria)

Donut Art

I made this for my friend Alex for her birthday.

Still at uni after all these beers.

Sometimes at school I will spend the entire class drawing a creepy picture so that the people sitting next to me will not be tempted to strike up a conversation. This plan backfires when I have to do a group discussion with them or if I am sitting next to a goth.

Sloth Fratelli Wants a Wife

Sometimes I watch Farmer Wants a Wife with my mum and tonight my brother pointed out that Farmer Will looks like Sloth Fratelli from The Goonies.

HAH

"its like... i want to break through the hymen of my boredness"

Holes

This is a Tumblr favourite of mine, sometimes he can be a little lame but he is young so I forgive him. In blog related news I have stalked two of my most hated Perth bloggers; one via twitter and the other by going to her work and pretending to shop.



In case you can't read it it says:

"on your profile it said you like that book Catcher in the Rye! i haven't seen it at Urban Outfitters in a while, but I did get a shirt from there last month! i haven't taken it off since! anyways, my favorite part in the J.G. Wentworth book is when Stanley Yelnats and Zero find the jar of peaches that Kissin Kate left behind in the old west (yeehaw!) and they eat them! those had to be months old, maybe years! what a couple of crazy kooks! Have you ever seen the movie "Troll 2"?"

(He is describing the plot of Holes by Louis Sachar)

I have rocket legs

Girls who think they look like Nicki Minaj

Girls I found on the internet who think they look like R'n'B(?)* star Nicki Minaj







*I'm assuming she is an R'n'B star, I have never actually heard any of her songs.

Seinfeld! Every day! Forever!

George: What is Holland?
Jerry (also wearing a moustache): What do you mean, ‘what is it?’ It’s a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that’s the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland *is* the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?
Jerry (picking at his moustache): You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.
Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.
George: Well why didn’t we?
Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That’s what you said.
George: What if we grew muttonchops?
Jerry: No.
George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I’m sorry, you’ve gotta get a job.
George(resigned): Dammit

http://dailyseinfeld.tumblr.com/

AH MAH GAWD

Jack White produced an Insane Clown Posse single.

Listen to this song. Now.

Oh hai Julia!

A couple weeks ago all my political dreams came true when I got to photobomb a picture with Julia Gillard. I didn't actually mean to but everything worked out for the best.

Aww yep

Many of you may remember me as an important real-life photographer. I would just like to share with you my latest roll of real life film photographs of my own thumb.





How did both my thumb and me get in this photo? Photoshop, duh.











Look out for one of my pieces in Hungry Jack's upstairs dining in the city.


Kind regards,

Clarke xoxox

Dog Wars

My happy place.

Yetta Rosenberg

I am buying a scanner this week so everyone can truly experience my art.

FUNdraising Idea

I eat everything in my fridge, freezer and pantry. Sponsors pay nominated fee per item. No item is off bounds (olive oil, wasabi, soy sauce etc).

FREE PALESTINE.

Hungover thought of the month

"Are cigarettes vegan?"

I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.

GOT YR TWEETS

I can't express how much I love this guy.



























Follow him here