Scumbags 101

My time is really precious. Sometimes I get paid for it! Mostly it's free tho. I hate it when you have to interact with people who waste your time and brain power and feelings. They are called scumbags. They are worth zero dollars. The shitty thing about Perth, apart from the bElLtOwEr (jk, I don't give a turd), is that you probably will see these S.B.'s at the bus stop, at the park, at the coles, at da clubs, at da inevitable kebab shop. They make you wanna move to Girrawheen, where the kebab shops are filled with beautiful humans who donate to charities and foster children for all the right reasons. Here are some commonly encountered scumbags:

1. People you've been seeing for a month or two and then decide to start dating someone else without telling you. Yeah you're not "in a relationship" on Myspace/Facebook but like, get some fucking manners. I don't want to be second on the list to anybody, it's embarrassing and I would prefer to GTFO of there. Once I was "seeing" (bullshit term alert!) this dude who was actually secretly cheating on his girlfriend of two years with me PLUS was also being bf/gf with a cute 18 year old. He told me he had broken up with his gf and the 18 year old rumour was nada. Fast forward a year and he is still dating those two girls. NEWSFLASH: Dude is like 30, living with his parents, still plays in a gay band and works in retail. Can you say "anti-dardy"? I can. We've all been hurt before asswipe, it doesn't give you license to treat girls like shit because "you're in a bad place". You're not a good person, so donut pretend to be. U SUCK, NEXT ONE!

2. Shit bitches. Sometimes people decide to not like you for no reason. That's ok! What is so not ok is when they decide to be aggressive about it and get up in yr grill. My grill is MINE! Don't holler trash at me or my friends in bars cause it achieves nothing. Either shut your clam or get articulate about it and hand us a letter detailing all the reasons you hate us. To quote you guys, "YOU'RE A MOLE"!!! OMG!@!! LET'S GET SHOOTERS!!"

3. People who get drunk and then use that as an excuse for a million shit things they do/say I borrowed that from NME. It's really true.

4. Dudes who start having sex with you while you're asleep even though you said NO! a billion times the night before. . Why would you wanna have sex with someone who obviously doesn't want to have sex with you? Gross. You are gross. GTFO grossie, you make me puke.

5. Soul ruiners. Originally you were really really nice to soul-ruiners, you maybe kissed them AND meant it, but then they decide to fucking destroy you for no reason. No matter how much you try to be selfless and caring and honest, it's never enough to make them show you the same amount of respect. Soul ruiners waste your time AND feelings and that's why they are the worst. They will cause you feelings of self-doubt Kasey Chambers "AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH?" style for life. Every time you see a soul-ruiner you want to go home and watch anime. Every time you see a soul-ruiner you want to move countries. Go away soul-ruiners.

#1 to #5 sometimes seem to collect all in the same place. This is when you tell your friends that the bar is having an "asshole convention" and you go somewhere else. Lately there seems to be a lot of these conventions and a lot of haterade flying around. Rent in Girrawheen is also pretty cheap.

Love Clare xoxo

BULLSHIT

Do you remember that scene in How To Lose a Guy In Ten Days where Kate Hudson is all I DON'T LOVE YOU and Matthew McSnoganey says BULLSHIT because they were playing that card game earlier? I obviously don't, because I have never seen that movie and Gemma doesn't own it on VHS. You guys are all gay though and probably bought it on Blu-Ray (p.s. - what is blu-ray? what is HD tv? what is 'plasma' screen?)



Anyway, I call 'boolshit' on fashion blogs. Ew. Some people take pictures of what they wear everyday and put it on the internet and hundreds of people look at the hot pix and talk about what hot pix they are. They say things like "I like that piece" to talk about a shirt or something and their favourite word is 'fierce'. Tigers and other great cats are fierce, not a pair of shoes. Elliot Stapler from Law and Order is fierce too (he is also my boyfriend but me and him are keeping that shooshsies). You can have a piece of pie but you cannot have a piece of a t-shirt. OK.

These bloggers fall in two categories: you either wear all black and white outfits with killer high heels (example) or dress like a retarded little lolita bitch (example). I think sometimes companies send those fillies clothes for free because so many people wanna look at 15 pictures of them being whimsical at sunset and hear stories like "Josef and I found the cutest cafe to drink tea and read e.e. cummings poems downtown!! Afterwards the drive along the coastline was divine, we made hot cocoa when we got home and I sorted through my Polaroids from last summer." Oh my god, why do so many people care about your gay little twee lives and your shredded jeans. Why does nobody wanna send me free clothes for being a whiny little asshole on the internet? I'm a bloganality! One time someone at a party was like "you are from the Chronicles of Dardia" and I was all "Yeah wanna make something of it?" because I was intoxicated. Sorry guy.

I guess street style blogs where someone takes pix of hotties on the street and not themselves are less shitty because the vanity/self obsession factor is at zero degrees but the "I care about what dickheads at the Bakery are wearing and I think other people will too" factor is totally raging high. That's ok, I guess I probably am secretly interested too (p.s. - not really), and it's not totally gross and pretentious. I think a lot of people are interested in clothes, a billion dollar fashion industry seems to suggest so.

In related news, I'm gonna start doing a weekly fashion segment on the C.O.D. called "Gutter Bitch", where I document what I wear to pick up Nandos every time I'm hungover. Look out for no shoes, not showering and no bras and this never actually happening. Love Clare xoxo