Axe Gemmer

Send me your problems! I'm basically a doctor!

Axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

No judgements (unless you say something really ghey).

MERRY CHRISTMAS GRANDMA

We Write Like

So there is a website where you can paste in a piece of your writing and it will tell you which famous author you write like.

Gracey writes like Chuck Palahniuk

This picture kind of looks like Gracey if she had short hair.

Gemma writes like David Foster Wallace/Stephen King when I'm doing axe Gemmer



Nina says it's because my Axe Gemmer replies are "brutal"

Nina writes like David Foster Wallace/James Joyce (must be all the snories)





Clare writes like Chuck Palahniuk

Found a LOVELY pick of CP with chops because Clare loves chops.

IN RELATED NEWS there is a Jersey Shore nickname generator. I entered COD for both men's and women's nicknames because frankly the dude's ones are better.

Clare: The Sausage Party/ The Rack

Gracey: G-Muscle/ Hot Spot

Nina: The Tan-tickle/ Snickers

Gemma: DJ Douchebag/ The Appointment

Weird and Wacky Facts About Doney

• People are always like "you know you can get fish oil tablets that don't give you reflux right?" but secretly I LIKE the taste of fish oil burps, it's like sushi. Sometimes I'll drink a Diet Coke right after I take them just to enhance the reflux action.

• When I go to McDonalds I get a large meal and a cheeseburger. I call it a "safety burger" and I get it in case I am still hungry after the meal (note: I always am)

• A customer at my work complains about me whenever she comes in for "laughing" and "talking loud". I don't think she liked my Edith Piaf impression the other day.

• When I was a kid I used to wait for my mum to go to sleep, get into a skivvy and my underwear, tie myself to my fisher and paykel play kitchen with a skipping rope and pretend I was Princess Leia when she was Jabba the Hut's slave. I think this says a lot about me.

• When I was a kid my mum used to make mine and my brother's lunch the night before school. One day the lunch boxes were on the counter and my bro and I were all "what are we having for lunch tomorrow???" and she was like "it's a surprise". But we kept nagging her so finally she agreed to let us look. She had put a HUGE FUCKING HUNTSMAN SPIDER in there. This also says a lot about how I turned out.

• OH and sometimes she would leave us in the car to go do something and when she got back in my brother and I would sweetly say "hi mum!" and she would say in a witchypoo voice "I'm not your mother, I'm a witch. I ate your mother and I'm going to eat you!" and we would be all "very funny mum!". Then she would drive to our house then drive past it and keep driving (sometimes around 2 suburbs over) until we started crying.

• I actually was enrolled to do Social Work when I left school solely based on the song Invalid Litter Department by At the Drive-In. Then I took a year off, worked three jobs (two retail, one hospitality) and realised that people fucking suck and I don't want to help them. I could be a pet therapist though.

• My mum hates it when I tell people these stories but she can't get mad because she really did those things.
  
  

Fun And Games At Work

My boss just got back from a European holiday and I missed him a lot. But you know what I missed more? Gouche Tennis, that's what.

Gouche Tennis is a game I invented. You need:




A lanyard (Clare's fave)



With some keys attached



And a skinny dude who stands with his legs quite far apart.

Once you have assembled these things stand behind the skinny dude when they are distracted (perhaps standing at the computer) with the lanyard an aim at the area between the balls and the anus (the gouche)...



and swing the lanyard as close to that area as you can get.

And remember PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

The Perks Of Living Alone

• Nobody is around to notice when you don't shower or wash your clothes


• You get to catch taxis alone every time you go out which is AWESOME. Last weekend I fell asleep in a cab and had proper dreams and everything and woke up to the taxi driver poking me and yelling "WHERE DO YOU LIVE?". Judging by the fare he had been driving aimlessly around my suburb for about 15 minutes trying to wake me up. Maybe next time I'll get a rapist!!!!!


• There is nobody around to wake you up when you've gone to "rest your eyes" while baking something at 2am. Nuggets are AWESOME when they have been cooked for 8 hours.


• you can watch Terminator Salvation twice in one sitting and you don't catch shit from anybody (that guy who plays Kyle Reese got HOT, remember when he was a little wiener in Curb Your Enthusiasm???)

• NO PORNO SHAME
• No Tegan and Sara shame
• I have never shat the bed but if I did it would be my little secret
• The other day I laughed at something those bitches on The Circle said. It was like a tree falling in an empty forest.
• Sometimes I mutter that I'm getting married when I'm alone. I don't know why, I don't ever want to get married. If someone were to hear it then I could have a While You Were Sleeping-esque debacle on my hands. Who needs that?

SORRY FOR NEVER BLOGGING I'M NOT VERY INTERESTING

What's up with dogs

Things I really like: photos of dogs where they have terminator eyes.








Love Clare xoxo