Saturday, January 29, 2011

Things I am going to do when I get a proper job

2011 is the last year of my journalism degree (unless I fail/have a breakdown/both) so I have begun to think about the things I will do when I go all 9 to 5/get all George Negus on you.

  • get a fucking Prius

  • master the art of the french roll (via youtubes)

  • vaginoplasty (I have an "outie" *sad face*)

  • get a manstress who looks like Zach Galifianakis (or is actually Zach Galifianakis)

  • purchase a Birkin and a Murkin (online)

  • a lady at work kept trying to tell me that the Pandora factories* in Thailand are a really great place to work, complete with an awesome staff room, gym and great pay! Yeah, sweatshops these days are Kewl! So I want to do a documentary on the Pandora factories*. As if anyone other than 5 year olds on a diet of rice and poowater could create the worst jewellery on earth (they have toe rings).

  • invest in Arnotts (BBQ shapes are a money melon, I had them for breakfast yesterday)

  • Get a plumber to fix my taps so I stop having to boil water on the stove every time I want to wash my dishes

  • finally I can afford to buy triple spanx, one just ain't cutting it

  • get regular professional bikini waxes (waxing your own vj is HARD)

  • go to the doctor when i have a chest infection for 3 weeks instead of doing shots of colloidal silver and making my mum buy me steak (hul anaemic).

  • I will no longer feel sorry for shop assistants (because I won't be one) and can yell at them (guilt free)

  • have three bastard children and name them after characters from the Vampire Academy books (hai Rosemary, Lissa and Dimitri!)

  • dump said kids at PLC and Christ Church boarding schools

  • Go on Heston's Feast along with Peter Andre, Atomic Kitten and The Sugababes

  • Move from the cask to the bottle (a longtime dream)

Or alternatively I could take advantage of some sweet nepotism and get a government job, get depression, then live out a modern day version of Valley of the Dolls.




Have a question about your future? Not sure about your five year plan?? Email the doney at


Thursday, January 27, 2011


Clare and I just got back from staying at our friend's farm in Eagle Bay. It is one of my favorite places to go, however this year something really scary happened and now I'm not so sure.

I was sitting on the veranda on Tuesday, along with a handful of other people when a snakey slithered up next to me. The next bit was a bit hazy but I jumped up on my chair and launched myself inside, and ran into the bedroom. When it was over (apparently when I screamed the snake got so scared it slithered into the wall and then ran away) everyone was a bit cross with me. Apparently when I ran inside I closed the front door, locking everyone outside with a poisonous dugite. I swear I didn't! I maintain that this guy did it...

So anyway, we were on our way back to Perth on Australia Day when we noticed there was a fair in Busselton so we stopped. There were some snakes there and Clarey got her picture taken with one.

She asked me if I wanted my picture taken with the snake. I hesitated for a moment then decided that this might prove that I am NOT the huge pussy everyone thinks I am, and anyway what a great photo op!!!

I was pretty calm at first but Clare couldn't figure out how to use my camera and after what seemed like a year with this snake wrapped around me I started to freak out a little, and people were starting to notice.

Check out this judgmental look I'm getting from these bitches!

I think the worst part is that my dreams have been crushed; I have always thought that if I'm still single and working in retail when I'm 32 then I would just go on Farmer Wants a Wife, not so much for the dude but for the animals (horses, lambs, dogs, calves, little ducklings, etc). I have now come to realise that the outback is full of DANGEROUS CREATURES and I can't handle that. I choose the big smoke forevs and evs.


My buddy and future husband Igor IS AN ARTIST! He sent me a really pretty picture...

    (Igor's muse)

    I commissioned an Igor MS Paint original and I'm pretty happy with the result.

    Fun facts about Iggy

    • He loves it when I wear secret bike shorts under my dress and spontaneously show them to him throughout the day
    • one time when I showed him my bike shorts he asked me if I was wearing a pad and I was all "ewww gross, who wears PADS??" and he said "wow, you have a fat mound"
    • We shared passionate kissies at our work xmas party (it was beautiful)
    • I wish he would come home from Berlin so that I can make him feel weird by touching him all the time and he can tell me all about his latest poor life decisions

    Tuesday, January 25, 2011


    i really miss my luxurious bathtub. and swimming in it.


    dear c.o.d

    have arrived at destination. have been enjoying the sweater wearing weather. also enjoyed alot of carlton draught and spicy food. if we dont find a house i have scoped out the abandoned "womens hospital" in carlton as a possibility for "living" in.

    +'s: many many bukowski books id never even heard of here. less sweating. parks that are better than hyde park but they dont have lakes and swans in them. cheap alcoholism. unisexual toliets?

    -'s: nelly no friends. billy no bed. wally no wheels. janet no job. being an actual tourist and needing a map.

    Wednesday, January 12, 2011

    To Dear Gracey

    Here is that picture of a vagina I was talking about.

    Love From Clare

    Monday, January 3, 2011

    Appropriate Behaviour

    In pictures with celebrities. I win at it.