Slash

I am a pretty demure ladylike girl, really. I wear lipstick, like Beth Orton and can actually sometimes be "seen" sporting lace. But when a girl's gotta go, a girl's gotta go, ya know?

After 6 beers and a long walk with no available toilet in site, you generally take what you can get. Like this one time when I'd drunk a whole bunch of sour skittle vodka cocktails, and a whole lot of Jager and Mountain Dew, and I'd gone to my friend Joshy's house. He wasn't home and for some reason it didn't strike me to actually utilise the facilities there, which his housemate more than would have allowed. Instead I left and continued on my merry way. 

Disaster. I was struck down with the need to piss so bad it actually hurt. Luckily I was right near mine and Cameron Stack and Nina's old house on Cowle Street, so I just ambled up my driveway, greeted by the shopping trolleys, sofas and junk we'd left in the backyard, while the new tenants played Vampire Weekend at extreme volume in the living room. They didn't see me, and I didn't see them, but I really hope they were greeted with a giant puddle or a sense that something just wasn't, quite, right, when they went to hang out the washing the next day. I feel it really completed the entire tenancy, ya know?

P.S. New tenants, sorry we cleaned out the secret room before you moved in.

Sisters are Doing it for DEMSELVES: The Sequel.

As I already established, there are heaps of rad things about being a girl. ie. orgasms, riding bikes with your hair in pigtails, getting dranks and dinner bought for you, and being able to cry at When Harry Met Sally and blame it on your "hormones" - but also heaps of rules. I think today I am going to talk about some of the do's and don'ts of when your posse of Beyonces forms like Voltron and you hit the town to paint it red.

LeToyas and LaTavias

There are always going to be shit bitches in the world that you have had to cut loose at one point in your days travelling down the highway reaching checkpoints of self titled debut, to sophomore breakthough and eventual solo world domination. This isn't gender specific, and there are nights when it is like they are all having a convention at the party/bar/club/late night chinese restaurant that you are at. It's alright, girlfriend. You got your Beyonces wit' you, and odds are you got your Jay-Z's too. Throw a dirty look or two, or if you really want to get up in grill-land, a well-placed and timed "DIRTY WHORE" can bring their bravado crumbling down like an outfit not sewn by Momma Knowles. If you are drank you are allowed to throw glasses as a last resort but it is important to have your Beyonces around you when you do this, so they can difuse the situation while you sit on the likely very dirty ground giggling. Which brings me to the next rule.

Taking Care of Drank Beyonces/Sipping on the Sizzurp

If yo gal is d-r-a-n-k, there are a few things you need to remember. Btw, this is not "mommy's had a few too many cocktails and is now dancing" drank, this is serious drank. If she is tipsy, she can take care of herself, she don't need a mom, she usually got one of her own. I'm talking boobs out of dress, falling over and hitting head on the corner of speakers/bars, about to go home with a guy with one of those gay heartagram tattoos drank. (First rule: don't let her do any of those, and if she has, keep it secret forevs.) If she's about to get into a fight, take her away from it and get her straight up to the bathroom. This will distract her and make her forget all about the fight. Drunk Beyonces LOVE the bathroom for a few reasons like a) it's more often than not the one place where your other Beyonces can hear your drunken ramblings properly as it's quieter, b) MAC Red Lipstick touch-ups c) pissing (duh) and d) bathroom graffiti. If Beyonce is about to hookup with an unsavoury looking Jay-Z, get her to bathroom also, so you can get the full story and see whether your posse needs to unleash a group intervention, or wholeheartedly congratulate her and you can both sing the "Bitch Gonna Get Banged" song at ear-piercing level. If she's drank and won't quit draining her pints/goon/sizzurp/refreshing beverages like there's no tomorrow, a handy "Can I have a sip?" is generally the best option.

Jay-Zs

Jay-Zs come in two formats - friends and boys with make-out potential. Any male that don't fall into this category is not a Jay-Z. There are Akon (probs gay), Weezy (coulda been a Jay-Z but are forbidden from makin' out for some reason), and Chris Brown (lay-buy) categories as well, and dudes that are just, well, dudes.
Beyonces love Jay-Zs, it's a well known fact, but searching for a make-out Jay-Z is fraught with danger, spesh if you have been sizzurping quite hard, or it is kinda late at Amps/Club Bay View/Scotsman. Shape doesn't count for make-outs for some reason, in fact I am racking my brain pretty darn hard here and I think that I haven't even made out once there (even though I think I have been there almost every weekend since it opened! Fuck. Either I am off my game (impossible) or I am having too much fun with my Beyonces (possible) or almost urr guy there is gross and in the just, well, dudes category or in my friends zone. (I think we have a winner)
Anyhow. If girlfriend is playing tonsil hockey with a clear no-go zone, wait until she gets up for some air and then drag her to the bathroom. You should already know the reasons for this one. If group intervention fails and girl goes home with said no-go zone, a gentle ribbing for the next few days is all that is allowed. Also, DON'T TELL UNLESS THE BEYONCE IN QUESTION HAS EXPRESSLY SAID YOU ALLOWED TO. This is mega important. Oh, and this whole paragraph does not count if the no-go zone was a recent ex boyfriend. You are not allowed to say anything if that happens because the Beyonce is ushe a) already kicking herself and does not need you to as well or b) might be getting back with him, in which case, you are the douche that just ragged all over her boyfriend. Shut yo trap until she comes to talk to you.
Also if yo gal has made out/banged a Jay-Z that you might be hovering around, you need to get their permission first! AND, if you know for a fact that your girl likes a dude, he is OFF LIMITS. He is not a Jay-Z anymore, he is a classic Weezy.
As for the friends Jay-Z's, there is nothing in their pickup arsenal more powerful than their Beyonces, and it is your duty to help them. All the dranks in the world cannot compete with a well placed "OMG! I've never seen him like this! He totally likes you!". (P.S. You should do that in the bathroom.)

Some other general rules of going out: cardboard boxes are heaps of fun to play with on stages and behind decks, props are always good, it helps when your friends own/run a bar, Mick Zing is awesome to get drank with and dancing is rad.

Love, Gracey.

Sisters are Doin' it for DEMSELVES.

There are a lot of rad things about being a girl, but also a heck of a lot of rules too. One of the foremost and IMPORTANT rules is whoever yr Beyonces hate, you gotta hate too. It's just the way it works, duh. Boys don't seem to understand this, which I like to think is because when they fight, they just punch on and then buy each other a beer or something. Or maybe shag their girlfriends. I'm not really clear on the issue.

Anyway, this list encompasses but is not confined to:

• Bitches that yr ex boyfriend/boyfriend slept with when you were on a "break". This one is fairly self explanatory really. Double hate if they knew you, or were friends. This hate is usually on a sliding level, can go up to throwing glasses at them, but is usually around the "ignore they exist" or "giving each other evils" stage.

• Ex Best Friends. duh. No brainer, really.

• Ex Boyfriends. See ex best friends.

• Slappers that have slept with all of your male friends, plus the majority of your male friends that you haven't met yet, plus your ex boyfriends, who also lie about how they slept with your boyfriend when you were dating him, oh oh, and sleep with the guy you're seeing on Valentines Day and then deny they knew you were dating him. What up *****? Strange thing about this breed is they constantly corner you and your Beyonces while you're out and demand to know why you're being cold. You wonder why we don't like you? I once got so angry with this bint that I accidentally gave her my index finger instead of my middle finger and she actually looked up. That was hecka funny.

• Girls that live in your parents house for free while constantly taking advantage of them/you, and then date your best friends ex boyfriend after constantly reassuring them that "they really wouldn't do that, because your friendship means way to much". Oh, and they throw glasses at you when they're drunk. Plus they're foreign. What up *******? Go back to wherever you came from. And stop wearing berets, they look really stupid.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the letters B I T C and H.