Liberated

We here at COD are sassy liberated ladies, and as such all four of us are on that amazing 1960's staple, The Pill. I am a recent convert to this and it has pretty much revolutionised my life.
Wanna know why?
No periods for up to 4 months at a time, I can pretty much marinate in semen and not get pregnant, and the upside that I am MOST ecstatic with, is this one. I have gone from this;

To this. (Yes The Pill turned me black also. Not just black, but into Halle Berry.) I've now got D cup tits. My rack is getting massive. It's amazing!

P.S. Haha, James. You are in Melbourne and me and my tits are in Perth. See you next week. X X X

I Love You Melbourne

This is an off-shoot from my last post alright guys? I fly out on the 13th of December at 7 Firty with a one way ticket to go extend MY ruthlessness as far as possible in Melbourne. Am accepting any donations whatsoever so that I have more money and if you guys wanna buy some fake pills (Smints) off me for placebo effect and just pretend that I didn't rip you off, I'm okay with that too.
My brother was just over there (and still is for another 2 days) and the first night he was there he got totally punched out by his 5'5 90 pound weakling Irish ex girlfriend! GO AJA!
I finally get laid again at 1am Melbourne time 14th of December. Fuck yeah.

Love Gracey.

Cool People I Have Kissed: REPRISE

Approx. a bazillion people are all IS IT ME IS IT ME right now. It’s like not hey. I’ll introduce this lucky young gentleman in a roundabout fashion and you should all probably ignore how gross this story is because it’s really funny. Feelings are funny!

Okay so one night C.O.D (yea u kno me) were sitting out on our Parklame headquarters’ balcony, probably dranking some Cougars (appropriate). I think I was in my room, maybe changing the record, maybe putting on some sox, it’s not that clear. Gracey comes into my room, calm but clearly excited saying something about a WASTED naked dude in a fur hat trying to talk to the COD from the downstairs balcony. “Ok!” I said, and went out to look. This is what greeted me:

We all suppressed our gag reflexes (you can’t tell but he has raver piercings, basically) and told him to show us his butt while we took pictures. It seemed the obvious thing to do. He obliged:

And then we went our separate ways. A week or two later I saw this gent in our apartment complex again, in the afternoon time and I walked past him, paused on the stairs, looked up and said, “I’ve seen your butt”. Because I had you know? Me and Gemma continued to see him around a lot over the course of the month, he gets drunk at apartment 19 a lot but he doesn’t actually live at Parklame. He lives with his mom because he is 16 years old. Ok. So obviously we were like, “omg what a blonde bombshell, dare you to make out with him” and it was really funny but neither of us dreamed it would ever happen.

Last weekend I was coming back from Tower Ridge where I had dropped Fremantle Tim (who was not in Fremantle) for a nap. Gracey was leaving Parklame, Gemma, Chris and Nina maybe were smoking on the balcony. I was walking up the stairs past number 19 when I see the bombshell on his balcony. “Can I have a hug?” he said. I said “Sure! Lean really far over the balcony and I’ll give you one!” because I’m mean and I wanted him to fall over. Then I looked up at Gemma watching me and a light went off. He came out the front door, along with a couple of his raver 16 year old friends. We hugged, I wrapped my legs around his body and made him walk backwards till we were in clear view from the COD balcony. “Hey Gemmer!” I called out. And to the screams of Gemma saying “ NO CLARE NO NO NO DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT NO” I did it. I did a kiss.

And that is the story of how I made out with a 1992, and also how we have each other’s hearts (I haven’t seen him since).

Love Clare xoxoxo

p.s – next stop, Corey Delaney!

Sisters are Doing it for DEMSELVES: The Sequel.

As I already established, there are heaps of rad things about being a girl. ie. orgasms, riding bikes with your hair in pigtails, getting dranks and dinner bought for you, and being able to cry at When Harry Met Sally and blame it on your "hormones" - but also heaps of rules. I think today I am going to talk about some of the do's and don'ts of when your posse of Beyonces forms like Voltron and you hit the town to paint it red.

LeToyas and LaTavias

There are always going to be shit bitches in the world that you have had to cut loose at one point in your days travelling down the highway reaching checkpoints of self titled debut, to sophomore breakthough and eventual solo world domination. This isn't gender specific, and there are nights when it is like they are all having a convention at the party/bar/club/late night chinese restaurant that you are at. It's alright, girlfriend. You got your Beyonces wit' you, and odds are you got your Jay-Z's too. Throw a dirty look or two, or if you really want to get up in grill-land, a well-placed and timed "DIRTY WHORE" can bring their bravado crumbling down like an outfit not sewn by Momma Knowles. If you are drank you are allowed to throw glasses as a last resort but it is important to have your Beyonces around you when you do this, so they can difuse the situation while you sit on the likely very dirty ground giggling. Which brings me to the next rule.

Taking Care of Drank Beyonces/Sipping on the Sizzurp

If yo gal is d-r-a-n-k, there are a few things you need to remember. Btw, this is not "mommy's had a few too many cocktails and is now dancing" drank, this is serious drank. If she is tipsy, she can take care of herself, she don't need a mom, she usually got one of her own. I'm talking boobs out of dress, falling over and hitting head on the corner of speakers/bars, about to go home with a guy with one of those gay heartagram tattoos drank. (First rule: don't let her do any of those, and if she has, keep it secret forevs.) If she's about to get into a fight, take her away from it and get her straight up to the bathroom. This will distract her and make her forget all about the fight. Drunk Beyonces LOVE the bathroom for a few reasons like a) it's more often than not the one place where your other Beyonces can hear your drunken ramblings properly as it's quieter, b) MAC Red Lipstick touch-ups c) pissing (duh) and d) bathroom graffiti. If Beyonce is about to hookup with an unsavoury looking Jay-Z, get her to bathroom also, so you can get the full story and see whether your posse needs to unleash a group intervention, or wholeheartedly congratulate her and you can both sing the "Bitch Gonna Get Banged" song at ear-piercing level. If she's drank and won't quit draining her pints/goon/sizzurp/refreshing beverages like there's no tomorrow, a handy "Can I have a sip?" is generally the best option.

Jay-Zs

Jay-Zs come in two formats - friends and boys with make-out potential. Any male that don't fall into this category is not a Jay-Z. There are Akon (probs gay), Weezy (coulda been a Jay-Z but are forbidden from makin' out for some reason), and Chris Brown (lay-buy) categories as well, and dudes that are just, well, dudes.
Beyonces love Jay-Zs, it's a well known fact, but searching for a make-out Jay-Z is fraught with danger, spesh if you have been sizzurping quite hard, or it is kinda late at Amps/Club Bay View/Scotsman. Shape doesn't count for make-outs for some reason, in fact I am racking my brain pretty darn hard here and I think that I haven't even made out once there (even though I think I have been there almost every weekend since it opened! Fuck. Either I am off my game (impossible) or I am having too much fun with my Beyonces (possible) or almost urr guy there is gross and in the just, well, dudes category or in my friends zone. (I think we have a winner)
Anyhow. If girlfriend is playing tonsil hockey with a clear no-go zone, wait until she gets up for some air and then drag her to the bathroom. You should already know the reasons for this one. If group intervention fails and girl goes home with said no-go zone, a gentle ribbing for the next few days is all that is allowed. Also, DON'T TELL UNLESS THE BEYONCE IN QUESTION HAS EXPRESSLY SAID YOU ALLOWED TO. This is mega important. Oh, and this whole paragraph does not count if the no-go zone was a recent ex boyfriend. You are not allowed to say anything if that happens because the Beyonce is ushe a) already kicking herself and does not need you to as well or b) might be getting back with him, in which case, you are the douche that just ragged all over her boyfriend. Shut yo trap until she comes to talk to you.
Also if yo gal has made out/banged a Jay-Z that you might be hovering around, you need to get their permission first! AND, if you know for a fact that your girl likes a dude, he is OFF LIMITS. He is not a Jay-Z anymore, he is a classic Weezy.
As for the friends Jay-Z's, there is nothing in their pickup arsenal more powerful than their Beyonces, and it is your duty to help them. All the dranks in the world cannot compete with a well placed "OMG! I've never seen him like this! He totally likes you!". (P.S. You should do that in the bathroom.)

Some other general rules of going out: cardboard boxes are heaps of fun to play with on stages and behind decks, props are always good, it helps when your friends own/run a bar, Mick Zing is awesome to get drank with and dancing is rad.

Love, Gracey.

WHAT UP 2004?!

I am the most attractive, classy woman in the entire world. The red wine balanced on my beer gut? The chipped nail polish? The fur coat? The bag where the leather is so worn it is basically material? The cigarette? Dating a guy wearing a Helly Hansen jacket?

God, I amaze myself. I wish I was still 17. That year was rad.

Single Sassy Willing Lassy

Does anyone wanna take me on a date? I will totally put out if you get me drunk enough, and i am heck funny, and awesomelly pretty. Haha, when I just looked at awesomelly I thought it said awe-smelly. Smelly. That's a really good word that nobody uses enough.

ANYWAY, I like eating food and I know what celeriac is. I also like beetroot. And cheeseburgers.

Here is a glamour shot of me.