WHAT UP GAP TOOTHED BITCH?

This was basically me, last night. Except approx. 1 more litre of blood. And me being a girl and shit. I now have no right front tooth. The triage nurses were pretty impressed about how rough, rugged and raw I am. Coming into emergency, looking like a battered wife, with a giant red cast on my leg. I was actually wearing a wife beater, also, covered in dirt and blood. Ironic, huh.

Fuck you, crutches. Fuck you, rain. Combined you make a lethal weapon that involves me sitting on Cameron Stack's lap in the front seat of a 1960's Citroen that weighs about as much as a can of sardines, crying my eyes out and using an LA do-rag to mop up the copious amounts of blood gushing from my mouth. What up, Royal Perth. Cheers for the stitches and the fact that I sat there waiting for treatment in the corrider of the Emergency Room for 3 hours because my Dr. slipped over and sprained her little weinor ankle, which obviously rated high above me.

I think today to cheer myself up I might do a photo shoot of the C.O.D. eating a bucket of chicken with me with no front tooth. Right before I spend excruciating hours at the dentist at 2pm. Better get as many photo shots of me being a gap toothed bitch in as I possibly can in the next 2 hours. Hit me on my digits if you want to partake. Obviously you all do.

I miss you.

This is Alexi. Some of you may know her.

I met her at the Mundaring Hotel. She is pretty much the ultimate Beyonce. Things Alexi has done that I think are rad:

• Thrown plates at a dude walking along the street while driving
• Broke up with someone by saying "I hope a bus runs over your face, you Mr Burns lookalike"
• Pooped on top of a car to get back at some fuckwit who did something horrible to one of her friends
• Rescued me from many insane situations with my ex boyfriend
• Ditched a used tampon at someone
• Pashed a dude at Manor and then shouting "YOU TASTE LIKE GARLIC" at him
• Written Carole King lyrics all over toilet doors in the Mojos bathroom
• Once got fingered at Amps

At one grand point early last year, urrthing was right with the world and her and Cameron Stack started dating. It was quite possibly the greatest coupling in the history of the universe forever. She is London and has been there for about 18 months now. I fucking miss her so much it hurts.

Get Ready.

CHRIS IS HOME! YEAH! CHRIS IS HOME! YEAH!

Ladies, contain your wetness. There is enough of him to go around. Urrbody get as much in as you possibly can before he departs these shores to go work a job paying a million pounds a year in London and hang out with urrone rad over there in August. Sigh.

oscillate wildly!

here are some things i really like. a short list compiled by youres truly...

french souviners; everybody seems too go too paris at some point so they usually bring me back awesome souviners. usually in the form of keychains, postcards, french zines and comics. am yet too recieve a snowglobe, i should defiently go myself one day so i can get a collection going but for now i am in perth - alas.

casper costume; i once saw a movie where a little boy stole almost this exzact costume. from then on i knew that owning one of these would show the world "I AM A FULLSTEPPER! simply no halfstepping."

personalised pens; ive always wanted personalised stationary, notecards, stickers etc. but it wasnt destined too be. my name is never there. id be rifling through the racks like a junkie without his fix, but too no avail. n-i-n-a was never there. maybe its because my initials are N.M.E and that is like, satan spawn.

alex the kid; the final chapter in "things i like" and possibly the greatest chapter too date. this game was built in too youre trusty SEGA game console. you just dont see quality like that these days!!

Grandeur

i yam what i yam says:

i had all these epiphanies last bnight and i cant remember a single one of them and now im still the same cunt i was 24 hours ago

Sisters are Doin' it for DEMSELVES.

There are a lot of rad things about being a girl, but also a heck of a lot of rules too. One of the foremost and IMPORTANT rules is whoever yr Beyonces hate, you gotta hate too. It's just the way it works, duh. Boys don't seem to understand this, which I like to think is because when they fight, they just punch on and then buy each other a beer or something. Or maybe shag their girlfriends. I'm not really clear on the issue.

Anyway, this list encompasses but is not confined to:

• Bitches that yr ex boyfriend/boyfriend slept with when you were on a "break". This one is fairly self explanatory really. Double hate if they knew you, or were friends. This hate is usually on a sliding level, can go up to throwing glasses at them, but is usually around the "ignore they exist" or "giving each other evils" stage.

• Ex Best Friends. duh. No brainer, really.

• Ex Boyfriends. See ex best friends.

• Slappers that have slept with all of your male friends, plus the majority of your male friends that you haven't met yet, plus your ex boyfriends, who also lie about how they slept with your boyfriend when you were dating him, oh oh, and sleep with the guy you're seeing on Valentines Day and then deny they knew you were dating him. What up *****? Strange thing about this breed is they constantly corner you and your Beyonces while you're out and demand to know why you're being cold. You wonder why we don't like you? I once got so angry with this bint that I accidentally gave her my index finger instead of my middle finger and she actually looked up. That was hecka funny.

• Girls that live in your parents house for free while constantly taking advantage of them/you, and then date your best friends ex boyfriend after constantly reassuring them that "they really wouldn't do that, because your friendship means way to much". Oh, and they throw glasses at you when they're drunk. Plus they're foreign. What up *******? Go back to wherever you came from. And stop wearing berets, they look really stupid.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the letters B I T C and H.

WHAT UP 2004?!

I am the most attractive, classy woman in the entire world. The red wine balanced on my beer gut? The chipped nail polish? The fur coat? The bag where the leather is so worn it is basically material? The cigarette? Dating a guy wearing a Helly Hansen jacket?

God, I amaze myself. I wish I was still 17. That year was rad.