Gemmer's guide to being a grown-up

Grown ups do gardening. I planted some herbs and vegetables on my balcony today. I think the Dill and Marjoram will survive however re-potting the chilli, tomatoes and thyme felt like the botanical equivalent of shaking a premature baby.






There is a HUGE chance they will not live through the next month/escape becoming "cigarette trees".

Welcome to Australia!

UH-OH

HEY EVERYONE!

Jimmy Hats from http://toetagsandbodybags.blogspot.com fame just had THE most intense GP surgery of all time. A doctor inserted local anasthetic into his rectum and then CUT OFF HIS PERIANAL HAEMATOMAS WITH A SCALPEL AND DRAINED THEM. Here's going out to you, Jimmy.

Oh Noh! Pewiods!!

I just found these pictures I drew back in January. I was going through some stuff.

Dream Weaver

I pretty much have four standard dreams, what do they mean?



That my teeth are falling out/made out of glass and breaking

• anxieties about my appearance and how people perceive me: I guess sometimes I worry that people will find me TOO attractive and won't take me seriously.
• a fear of rejection: no way man, I'm totally used to it.
• fear of powerlessness: I'm the assistant manager of a store so I'm pretty sure of my authority and influence
• malnutrition: I pretty much only eat Lean Cuisines and Up n Go so I'm the picture of health
• Fear of being embarrassed/ making a fool of myself: one time I made out with a guy and then he vomited so, valid.
• I am a liar: I recently told someone (in earnest) that I am "artistic" so also valid

That I'm drink driving and I keep crashing my car

• I have done something I am not proud of: every day
• I'm afraid of getting behind the wheel: I once drove the wrong way down Beaufort st so yeah, I'm pretty afraid of driving
• I need to slow down: yeah, my life is a non-stop Nelly video (the other day I went up in my roof!)
• Pent up guilt: I DO feel pretty bad about telling everyone that my boss has AIDS (he doesn't(probably))
  

That I'm being attacked by a big man and I try to scream and nothing comes out

• I have pent up emotions: I AM on a diet so I haven't been able to talk to food about things lately
• I am being taken advantage of: AND LOVIN IT

Sex dreams about EVERYONE

• A lack of maturity: my favorite thing is writing "I will suck your dick" on the printer paper so that when my boss tries to print stuff it's written on the back. EAT IT UP HR!
• Parallels aspects of myself I would like to express: my sluttiness?
• There was nothing about rimming!

Thankyou www.dreammoods.com

My First Hate Blog

I was thinking about our hate blog.

http://www.chronicalsofdardia.blogspot.com/

It reminds me of when I was at the Hydey watching the best band ever Taco Leg and I got a text from a website whose sole purpose is to anonymously tell people they have an STD. It said that I have syphilis.

I knew I didn't (like, for sure) so my main stress way "homg someone hates me".

But I was all "just wait, little gemmer. One of your douche friends will own up"

But they didn't. For a whole year. And it RALLY freaked me out because I thought that a friend would not be able to resist telling me.

So I just assumed that someone must hate me A LOT to do this.

I'm pretty sure that it was a year and a half later and I'm sitting with my friends and I says I says "you know nobody ever owned up, someone out there really hates me".

And FUCKING GRACEY just starts giggling. Apparently her an Jimmy were brainstorming and decided I was the most high strung person they knew and therefore would be the most freaked out by a text saying I had syphilis.

So anyway, nobody has owned up to the hate blog. So they must REALLY hate us. For a while I was sure that it was Ryan "chops" Boserio but he would have ACTUALLY done some blog posts making fun of us.

So in conclusion FUCK YOU GRACEY AND JIMMY

Sorry for over-blogging the internet is my only friend

Axe Gemmer

Dear Gemmer,

What should i buy my son for his birthday that is guaranteed to make all the mature age mums at playgroup wet their pants with jealousy? Also where do i get one of those wine glasses i need it for playgroup.

Love Carly.

Dear Carly,

Let's face it Carly, you have already given your son the greatest gift of all...A hot mum. As soon as he hits puberty ALL his friends (plus all the little lesbos depending how cool "gay" is in 10 years) are going to be at your house making "lil H" the most popular kid in school. He may act all put out by his friends ogling your boobs but he will never be lonely. I'm an ugly drunk who lives alone so I know loneliness and trust me, it ain't yummers.

But back to your question. I spend a lot of time at work pretending to poo but really I am in the Toy Story section LIVING IT UP. Pretty much anything from there will suffice. HOWEVER my mum gave my cousin that amaze Toy Story Lego set and when my Aunty axed "do you like it" he said "NO I WANT A TRANSFORMER". (serves her right. You know she looks like Angelica Huston? Imagine THAT pretending to be a witch)

I really want a Jessie Doll.

I almost bought one at Toy World in Singapore but I decided it would be impossible to get past my mum and brother.

I hope this has been helpful.

Love and fond memories of the time you stole my cold and flu tablets,

Gemmer

PS. You might have to google the wine glass. And then let me know how to get it. My family would probably wee their Poise Panty Liners if I gave it to Grandma.

If you have a question for me send it to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com. I'm single, live alone and work a full time retail job so I obvs have my life together.

Axe Gemmer

Dear Gemmer,

What should I get my boyfriend for his birthday?

xoxo Annik

Dear Annik,

While I feel like I have known you for many Internet years I have actually never met you SO I have no idea how poor you are/how much you think a dude is worth. I have divided up gift ideas by price.

$0

Some gobbies with a designated number of fingers up the bum (at your discretion)

OR

A hot three-way

$10-$20

Take him out for a romantic McDonald's dinner box

OR

(I actually really want these)

OR



ONLY $9.95!!!

$20-$50

SaSsY t-ShIrTs

HilLaRiOuS!
QuIrKy

SoOo TrUe!!!


$50-$100

Some nice cologne however tell him you bought it because your used to sleep with a guy that wore it and you enjoy the memories.

$100-$150

No guy is worth this much. Just tell him you'll marry him.

Regards,

Doney

Axe Gemmer

Send me your problems! I'm basically a doctor!

Axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

No judgements (unless you say something really ghey).

MERRY CHRISTMAS GRANDMA

We Write Like

So there is a website where you can paste in a piece of your writing and it will tell you which famous author you write like.

Gracey writes like Chuck Palahniuk

This picture kind of looks like Gracey if she had short hair.

Gemma writes like David Foster Wallace/Stephen King when I'm doing axe Gemmer



Nina says it's because my Axe Gemmer replies are "brutal"

Nina writes like David Foster Wallace/James Joyce (must be all the snories)





Clare writes like Chuck Palahniuk

Found a LOVELY pick of CP with chops because Clare loves chops.

IN RELATED NEWS there is a Jersey Shore nickname generator. I entered COD for both men's and women's nicknames because frankly the dude's ones are better.

Clare: The Sausage Party/ The Rack

Gracey: G-Muscle/ Hot Spot

Nina: The Tan-tickle/ Snickers

Gemma: DJ Douchebag/ The Appointment

Weird and Wacky Facts About Doney

• People are always like "you know you can get fish oil tablets that don't give you reflux right?" but secretly I LIKE the taste of fish oil burps, it's like sushi. Sometimes I'll drink a Diet Coke right after I take them just to enhance the reflux action.

• When I go to McDonalds I get a large meal and a cheeseburger. I call it a "safety burger" and I get it in case I am still hungry after the meal (note: I always am)

• A customer at my work complains about me whenever she comes in for "laughing" and "talking loud". I don't think she liked my Edith Piaf impression the other day.

• When I was a kid I used to wait for my mum to go to sleep, get into a skivvy and my underwear, tie myself to my fisher and paykel play kitchen with a skipping rope and pretend I was Princess Leia when she was Jabba the Hut's slave. I think this says a lot about me.

• When I was a kid my mum used to make mine and my brother's lunch the night before school. One day the lunch boxes were on the counter and my bro and I were all "what are we having for lunch tomorrow???" and she was like "it's a surprise". But we kept nagging her so finally she agreed to let us look. She had put a HUGE FUCKING HUNTSMAN SPIDER in there. This also says a lot about how I turned out.

• OH and sometimes she would leave us in the car to go do something and when she got back in my brother and I would sweetly say "hi mum!" and she would say in a witchypoo voice "I'm not your mother, I'm a witch. I ate your mother and I'm going to eat you!" and we would be all "very funny mum!". Then she would drive to our house then drive past it and keep driving (sometimes around 2 suburbs over) until we started crying.

• I actually was enrolled to do Social Work when I left school solely based on the song Invalid Litter Department by At the Drive-In. Then I took a year off, worked three jobs (two retail, one hospitality) and realised that people fucking suck and I don't want to help them. I could be a pet therapist though.

• My mum hates it when I tell people these stories but she can't get mad because she really did those things.
  
  

Fun And Games At Work

My boss just got back from a European holiday and I missed him a lot. But you know what I missed more? Gouche Tennis, that's what.

Gouche Tennis is a game I invented. You need:




A lanyard (Clare's fave)



With some keys attached



And a skinny dude who stands with his legs quite far apart.

Once you have assembled these things stand behind the skinny dude when they are distracted (perhaps standing at the computer) with the lanyard an aim at the area between the balls and the anus (the gouche)...



and swing the lanyard as close to that area as you can get.

And remember PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

The Perks Of Living Alone

• Nobody is around to notice when you don't shower or wash your clothes


• You get to catch taxis alone every time you go out which is AWESOME. Last weekend I fell asleep in a cab and had proper dreams and everything and woke up to the taxi driver poking me and yelling "WHERE DO YOU LIVE?". Judging by the fare he had been driving aimlessly around my suburb for about 15 minutes trying to wake me up. Maybe next time I'll get a rapist!!!!!


• There is nobody around to wake you up when you've gone to "rest your eyes" while baking something at 2am. Nuggets are AWESOME when they have been cooked for 8 hours.


• you can watch Terminator Salvation twice in one sitting and you don't catch shit from anybody (that guy who plays Kyle Reese got HOT, remember when he was a little wiener in Curb Your Enthusiasm???)

• NO PORNO SHAME
• No Tegan and Sara shame
• I have never shat the bed but if I did it would be my little secret
• The other day I laughed at something those bitches on The Circle said. It was like a tree falling in an empty forest.
• Sometimes I mutter that I'm getting married when I'm alone. I don't know why, I don't ever want to get married. If someone were to hear it then I could have a While You Were Sleeping-esque debacle on my hands. Who needs that?

SORRY FOR NEVER BLOGGING I'M NOT VERY INTERESTING

What's up with dogs

Things I really like: photos of dogs where they have terminator eyes.








Love Clare xoxo