I QUIT

I quit festivals. I have realised that I am too fucking short and I might as well stay home and watch a dvd of whatever artist I have decided that I like because I will be approx 10 bazillion times closer and be able to see 10 bazillion things more clearly than if I actually attempted to watch them at a festival. Also without grossies hanging around and smelling and touching me and I can pay $2 for a beer (or even less with a carton of Export) instead of $12. Dear dude that bloganized me yesterday, why was your shirt so fucking Orange? Who were you? Did you think I was going to bang you or run after you or make friends with you just because you screamed SEE OH DEE and then GRACEY at me? Also last night I got beaten up by a gang of Aboriginals because sometimes I don't know when to shut the fuck up. Lying on the road being kicked in the head is an entirely new experience that isn't as bad as you think it might be, it's kind of liberating. Maybe I should become a street fighter. I think I might start fighting people now that I know it's fuck all. This is my new favourite photo in the world.

Ruling

Yesterday was my favourite day. I totally didn't get in a car crash with a fucking tow truck and then me and RAB totally didn't get attacked at Leederville train station by a gang of HOODLUMS who stole my bag to look for cigarettes and then told me to stop crying and gave me back my eyelash curler and they didn't beat up Ryan and try to steal his bike. Never ever ever ever happened.

Sometimes when you have a Daniel Powter it's kinda nice when everyone tries to cheer you up and feels sorry for you. Sometimes when you have a D.P. other people don't know and they steal your bag.

Love Clare xoxo

2005 to 2008

I'm following in Gemmer's footsteps and posting blogs I did when I was 18 and 19. I was way more whimsical back then, now I am crusty and gross. I have been holding in my piss for like 2 hours because I can't be bothered taking off my onesie. I also urinated on a monastery like a day ago (sorry Jesus).

Monday, November 14, 2005
I'll not contain you


Thursday, December 01, 2005
Cool Things I Did Yesterday: Episode One
So I was putting a pocket back onto my dress which is something I'm not so great at. I'm pretty good at some things, like standing pidgeon-toed and drinking P-Max but I'm not that great at sewing. I SEWED MY THUMB TO MY DRESS. I accidentally put the needle through my thumb skin without realising and it was stuck to my dress. It was pretty gross.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Panties
Dear Underpants,

Plz stop riding up my butt.

Love Clare xoxo

Monday, April 10, 2006
My love is bigger than your love
MY ONE MAIN INTEREST IN LIFE IS YELLING.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006
My heart is made of gravy

Yeah, I can do a handstand and look really obscene at the same time. Those jammies fit over myfeet and I never have to wear socks, umm, I skip class a lot lately.

Friday, June 09, 2006
Pardon my birth, I just slipped out
Today in the shower I thought a strand of my wet hair was a spider's tentacle. Spiders don't even have tentacles. I just don't know about me anymore.

Monday, June 12, 2006
Take that Exercise 10C!
My dy/dx's turned into ponies and flying turtles.

I'm thinking of dropping out, you know, taking an art class or two.

And now it is more like:

Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I CAN’T DEEEAAALLLLL
Hey guys, I am everybody ever:

"My interests include coffee, cigarettes, red wine, polaroids, photography in general, reading (fav authors milan kundera, f scott fitzgerald, salinger etc), music (neko case, arcade fire, another gay band), my best friends, winter, art, drawing in my sketchbook, writing in really small font on the internet."

J/K!!!! But like I am going to do a shit on all of yr Polaroid cameras and the only good Belle and Sebastian song is the one that goes I DON’T LOVE ANYTHING because it’s about being a hater. I seriously wanna quit youth culture and marry an orang-utan or something. If I have to look at photographs of you and your friends smoking in dark alleyways one more time I think I will puke in your faces. Everybody should be more like me because I have no interests or hobbies except for looking at pictures of dogs on the internet.




Aw shit, I suck. Happy Australia EveryBoy and Girl!!
Love Clare xoxo

Gemmer: The Enigma

So I was going through my internet emails because I am doing homework, these things are related. First of all, if anyone in the world was to see the emails Gemma and I used to send each other in the golden years (late 05-early 07) you would probably like either want to have children with us or never see us again in your life (probably bitched about you, sry). If you are not privileged enough for Gemma to have sent you an email, here are a couple of real-life examples:

Date: Jan 8 2006
"Yoyoyo don't know if you will be checkin' the ol' hemails but hi Clare, hi! How is Tasmania? Fun? Excruciatingly awkward? OOOOO I almost forgot I got a blood nose yesterday, must have been from the stress of you leaving, I thought it was really funny. Mum came home from work and i was lying on the couch watching Dragon Ball Z and holding a bloody tissue and I says I says "I want clare to come back" and Mum was all "Has she even left yet?". I bought a really cool notebook today because I realised that I have a lot of really wicked and cool thoughts that I forget FO' EXAMPLE: If I die from being burnt then I want my funeral to be open casket. Just things like that. Can't wait to party like it is Clarey99!!!"

or

Date: June 12 2006
"I have had so much coffee today that I have ***** 4 times! usually it is more like once! Something happened with my ear that was so gross I couldn't concentrate on my study. I dressed my sister like a whore for a rock and roll party yesterday, it was pretty funny, I burned her scalp about fifty times with the curling iron so maybe now she can be less of a pussy, but alas she just went in crying to my parents about a bad dream soooooo I guess I cannot lay the curling iron to rest."

Amongst such gems, I also found a short piece I had composed on October 30th, 2006 about Gemma.

"Cool Things That Happened on Saturday Night
A short novel by Clare E. Wee.
When we got back to Caddyshack after partying one night (that's a cool nickname for my place of residence guys), Gemma immediately went outside and started picking lemons. She had like six cradled in her arms and she asked me to pick up all the ones she dropped. She put them inside and didn't explain her actions. Then she got a glass of water, opened the fridge and poured it all over our foodz and said that everything would crisp up overnight. I said wtf! Kris Kristofferson, a frequent guest at my house, was eating a pastry the next morning and he said it was all watery. Then she ran outside on the street and hid behind a light pole. She didn't have any pants on and refused to come inside. But I caught her because she was too busy giggling to be any good at running. Haha! Then we went inside and watched TV. Gemma smeared toothpaste all over her tongue and then went to sleep.

I sort of know what it is like to have a mentally disabled person as a sibling or daughter or whatever now. It's really funny. "

So these things combined have made me really miss our salad days, when me and Gemma used to work at Dewsons together and pretend the EFTPOS machines were walkie talkies, when we used to both have fringes and people would be all: R U SISTERS and Gemma would say "Yeah, bangs are genetic brainiac" and we lived at our parents' houses and knew the 102/107/98/103 routes off by heart because they took us to each other. I'm well aware of how GAY I sound but you obviously don't have a BFF.





Now we're old and not that funny anymore :(.





p.s - thinking of turning Gemma's emails into a book like Barfin Arfin style.