Boatswana!!!

This is my boat, The Almighty Tampon!!!

Just kidding, I bought it for my sister as a puberty present. Just Kidding it's not my boat at all. It's not even a boat. Just kidding.

So I went for a walk at 7am after staying up all night reading a book which I will not name (suffice to say that is is more embarrassing than reading Twilight but less embarrassing than reading a Jodi Piccoult book). So I was pretty disoriented during said walk, I almost asked a pair of youths to teach me how to play soccer then had a 15 minute long fantasy where I was really great at it (at soccer, not at asking youths questions). To tell you the truth I'm still a bit out of sorts.

In unrelated news I was at my parents house the other day when my mum says "Oh Gemma, I've found you a new boyfriend" so I'm thinking shit, she's finally become one of those mothers who tries to set you up with their dentist or some dude they've met at a Weight Watchers meeting.

G: Oh yeah who it is?

M: Josh Thomas

G: Who the fuck is Josh Thomas?

M: You know, the boy from the TV

She means that dude from Talkin' 'bout your generation. Wonderful, even my mum has picked up on my predilection for indie wieners.

Clarke Weldon's Guide to Modern Classics

Some books are boring. I'm not gonna lie, I fell asleep reading Pride and Prejudice (like literally, with my head in the book. I was in front of a gas heater though, and they make me pass out). Some books aren't boring but are hard to read. What's up Naked Lunch? I actually finished that one but donut ask me anything about it. It's just something I can't talk about. Some books I think are a smooth ride, and I really enjoy them, but I can understand how others can't get through them. That's Lolita, btw. I don't mean to boast but you know, I've kind of read Ulysses (ie like 7 sporadic chapters). FYI, the best chapter is the last one because it's dirty.

I would say that, in general, my taste in books is crazy sexy dirty super backless 80s leather retro vintage wow (creds to Kat for me using that phrase 24/7). Sometimes I'm in the mood for something more highbrow, but only when I'm "depressed" (i.e. bored). I think, in general, I am in a really good position to recommend classics that anyone would and could like! This is pretty much just me listing obvious books that meet my seal of approval. Here I go, in order of what I see on my bookshelf first:

1. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.
Hahahaha, just joking. I haven't read The Lovely Bones, I don't know why I would lie about that.

2. The Catcher In the Rye/Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
I was going to make this a joke too, because it's kind of embarrassing to recommend something like this, you know? It's like, geez, everyone was 15 once too. When I was 15 I was also reading Leonard Cohen's Beautiful Losers and Douglas Copeland's Girlfriend In A Coma. I was "gay". Anyway don't let anyone see you reading this book. It's about girls and being a hater. P.S. Salinger, not a recluse anymore/still a recluse anymore!

3. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
"I was put on this earth to be excited". That's not a quote from the book but it applies. I was really nice person whilst reading this book. Be prepared to be "pumped!!" about everything and for no one else to share your enthusiasm. This book is about having fun 24/7 and getting messed up and jazz and hot babes. FYI, most books about "The American Dream" are great.

4.Breakfast at Tiffany's by Truman Capote
You may think this is a stupid book for girls in 50s COCKTAIL DRESSES CAT-EYE GLASSES WOW. It's not. It's about ugly dudes who obsess over slutty hotties who have problems. It's a winner. Also recommended by this author: In Cold Blood. About real life murders! I think he collaborated with Dean Koontz on this, idk.

5. Of Mice and Men by John Steinback
This is a book to read in one night. Did you like The Shawshank Redemption/The Green Mile? Of course you did, because 100% of the population loves those movies. This is the original book that inspired the movie, except with a different storyline!

6. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
How many American high school seniors quoted the last passage in this book at their corny graduation ceromonies? Like one billion. It is even more perfect for the occasion than Vitamin C's classic "Friends Forever". Or Green Day's "Time of Your Life". This is about book about rich people, parties, social whores, etc.

7. American Pscyho - Bret Easton Elis
I just put his most famous book there, but you can read any of this guy's stuff. This is another one of those "American Dream" books, but 80s style, and with stuffing rats up women's vaginas. I think the sex scenes in this are really fucking hot, you know, before the bitches die. Oops spoiler! I did a get a boner though. You learn a lot about Phil Collins.

8. The Outsider - Albert Camus
I think wrote an essay on this in year 11 and quoted The Cure. I wish I could punch myself in the face. The French still hate Arabs!! This is a book about emptiness, and a really sad dog story, and doin' time.

9. The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
JK LOL. This is the exact opposite of the type of book I am trying to recommend. I did actually like this book, but don't tell anybody apart from the entire internet.

10. Bukowski Henry Chinaski books
This includes Post Office, Ham on Rye etc. The best example of how Bukowski writes (which I can't quote exact cause RAB has my copy) is when Henry goes into this broad's house for some innocent reason. She's all "Rape! Rape!" and the narration of the book goes "So I did". Classic! Henry is all about bitches and how much they suck, jobs and how they suck, everything and how it sucks, and getting drank and how it rules.

11. Kurt Vonnegut, any of the big names (Breakfast of Champions, Slaughterhouse Five etc)
Some Vonnegut books have dirty pictures!! They are about time and how it's NOT REAL, and dying, Kilgore Trout and it's a crazy jayz B movie super spaceship ride!!

12. To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
This is another book that is about The Green Mile/Shawshank Redemption. It's also about lil girls.

When I unpack all my books, I can do another dirty book list. If you want me to tell you whether a book is exciting enough to read, let me know and I'll review it for you in a sentence.

Love Clare xoxo

Sexual

I can't wait till exams are over so I can get back to dry humping in front of Star-Marts. And on da roof.

dear clarke weldon

here is a short pros and cons list i have compiled about the person youll be moving in with in about 1 weeks time..

PRO's

x. she has many great t shirts you may want too borrow in the near future. one time she was wearing a frankenstein t shirt and someone yelled out "frankenstein RULES!!" and she felt special, maybe you can feel special wearing a tshirt too!

x. she always, always buys juiceboxes at the grocery store. and maybe even bagels and icecream but definetly always juiceboxes and i know how fond you are of these.

x. she showers often (3-4 times a day) but for short amounts of time. that way youll never have too wait long too punish the barf-room. 

x. she leaves you and yr fellow roomie's well thought out, inspirational notes EG. why are you leaving the house? do you not love me anymore? is this like that one time my parents got divorced and they said 'when people get older they grow apart' FUCK YOU. or i ate all yr bread and condiments, in exchange i have left you a bar of soap at the foot of yr bed. lob jew!

x. many sexcellent cds you clearly want too borrow but are too ashamed too admit too.

x. has many plants and plants produce oxygen and you need oxygen too live. thats what i call a true friend, looking out for yr general well being and exsistance.

x. when drinking she will often nag that you seem too demure, too repressed and in good spirits she may pull her pants down proving that her inhibitions have truly been lost so why the heck are yrs still here? this will cause you a downward spiral of drinking and/or other self destructive behaviour and you may wake only too find her trying too push a dexie down yr throat and thats when you can be sure... youre having a REALLY good time!!

CON's

x. she may be sleeping on the couch and may have little too no clothing on and you may invite yr friends around, not realising the situation and you may have too (much too yr disgust) introduce her as 'the one wearing a blanket'

x. every fridge she has ever come across she has decorated with some kind of 12yroldgirl collage, i love ponies etc. etc.

x. possibly many, many more. im sure youll find out soon enough.

GOOD LUCK IN EXAMS, SEE YOU ACROSS THE HALLWAY!

LOVE (NME)

fur-ever young

there is this house situated opposite us, which is inhabited by people - neighbours, if you will.

from the past 6mnths i have gathered that there are two 14-16 yrolds (brother and sister) who occupy these premises. the sister is the older one (borderline 16) and the brother is younger and boyish. they appear too have no parents, or parents who are literally NEVER home. there is always music (hillary duff, lily allen, PCD etc.) and i often see groups of people jumping over the fence or exclaiming at the tiny pet dog that lords over their yard. 

the other day i saw the sister run at a car her friends were driving, wearing a leather jacket and pink mini skirt, she dived through the window (doors are so passe) her legs gangling out the window as the car sped down the street, the car turned around and the brother and his little crew of friand's were just hustling in the yard of their house and as the car turned around and drove back past the lil bow wows yelled out "show us yr knockers!!".

it made me want too be 16 again, when ppl had nicknames like "the thrashmaster" and you never not threw up, and making out was called pashing, and you pashed at the beach, on a hill, with yr dreamboat, and yr parents told you they were not angry - just dissapointed,  and everyone danced too that sean paul song (LOL), and girls ironed each others hair, everyone thought smoking was GAY but you did it anyway.. and beauty was only ever in a box (coolibah fruity lexia anyone?)

HAHA. fast forward too 2009 and my life seems truly pale in comparison. but, y'know im totally refined and worldly now!!

(NME)

The World According To..

"Killing a cat is the step before killing a prostitute."

My new favorite writer

First I found this article on McSweeney's which made me do a bit of a wee.

His name is Pasha Malla and he is way better at giving advice than me.

For example

Question: How do I know if a girl loves me or not? —Ajay

Answer: If one night you go out drinking and end up back at her place, pass out together on the bed with your shoes on, and wake up a few hours later only to discover that you’ve peed the bed, which she takes in stride, changes the sheets, and then the next morning has a laugh about it, later leaves some pamphlets from the local health clinic about child bedwetters in your mailbox, and eventually after a few weeks tells your friends but never, ever tells hers: She loves you.

I have to stop getting crushes on people off the Internet, like that time I added Asher Sarlin on myspace which probably creeped him out almost as much as the email I sent along with the friend request.

Love from Doney

Ps. Seriously if you are bored click on the first link to the McSweeney's article, it's rally great.