Monday, June 8, 2009

Clarke Weldon's Guide to Modern Classics

Some books are boring. I'm not gonna lie, I fell asleep reading Pride and Prejudice (like literally, with my head in the book. I was in front of a gas heater though, and they make me pass out). Some books aren't boring but are hard to read. What's up Naked Lunch? I actually finished that one but donut ask me anything about it. It's just something I can't talk about. Some books I think are a smooth ride, and I really enjoy them, but I can understand how others can't get through them. That's Lolita, btw. I don't mean to boast but you know, I've kind of read Ulysses (ie like 7 sporadic chapters). FYI, the best chapter is the last one because it's dirty.

I would say that, in general, my taste in books is crazy sexy dirty super backless 80s leather retro vintage wow (creds to Kat for me using that phrase 24/7). Sometimes I'm in the mood for something more highbrow, but only when I'm "depressed" (i.e. bored). I think, in general, I am in a really good position to recommend classics that anyone would and could like! This is pretty much just me listing obvious books that meet my seal of approval. Here I go, in order of what I see on my bookshelf first:

1. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.
Hahahaha, just joking. I haven't read The Lovely Bones, I don't know why I would lie about that.

2. The Catcher In the Rye/Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
I was going to make this a joke too, because it's kind of embarrassing to recommend something like this, you know? It's like, geez, everyone was 15 once too. When I was 15 I was also reading Leonard Cohen's Beautiful Losers and Douglas Copeland's Girlfriend In A Coma. I was "gay". Anyway don't let anyone see you reading this book. It's about girls and being a hater. P.S. Salinger, not a recluse anymore/still a recluse anymore!

3. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
"I was put on this earth to be excited". That's not a quote from the book but it applies. I was really nice person whilst reading this book. Be prepared to be "pumped!!" about everything and for no one else to share your enthusiasm. This book is about having fun 24/7 and getting messed up and jazz and hot babes. FYI, most books about "The American Dream" are great.

4.Breakfast at Tiffany's by Truman Capote
You may think this is a stupid book for girls in 50s COCKTAIL DRESSES CAT-EYE GLASSES WOW. It's not. It's about ugly dudes who obsess over slutty hotties who have problems. It's a winner. Also recommended by this author: In Cold Blood. About real life murders! I think he collaborated with Dean Koontz on this, idk.

5. Of Mice and Men by John Steinback
This is a book to read in one night. Did you like The Shawshank Redemption/The Green Mile? Of course you did, because 100% of the population loves those movies. This is the original book that inspired the movie, except with a different storyline!

6. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
How many American high school seniors quoted the last passage in this book at their corny graduation ceromonies? Like one billion. It is even more perfect for the occasion than Vitamin C's classic "Friends Forever". Or Green Day's "Time of Your Life". This is about book about rich people, parties, social whores, etc.

7. American Pscyho - Bret Easton Elis
I just put his most famous book there, but you can read any of this guy's stuff. This is another one of those "American Dream" books, but 80s style, and with stuffing rats up women's vaginas. I think the sex scenes in this are really fucking hot, you know, before the bitches die. Oops spoiler! I did a get a boner though. You learn a lot about Phil Collins.

8. The Outsider - Albert Camus
I think wrote an essay on this in year 11 and quoted The Cure. I wish I could punch myself in the face. The French still hate Arabs!! This is a book about emptiness, and a really sad dog story, and doin' time.

9. The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
JK LOL. This is the exact opposite of the type of book I am trying to recommend. I did actually like this book, but don't tell anybody apart from the entire internet.

10. Bukowski Henry Chinaski books
This includes Post Office, Ham on Rye etc. The best example of how Bukowski writes (which I can't quote exact cause RAB has my copy) is when Henry goes into this broad's house for some innocent reason. She's all "Rape! Rape!" and the narration of the book goes "So I did". Classic! Henry is all about bitches and how much they suck, jobs and how they suck, everything and how it sucks, and getting drank and how it rules.

11. Kurt Vonnegut, any of the big names (Breakfast of Champions, Slaughterhouse Five etc)
Some Vonnegut books have dirty pictures!! They are about time and how it's NOT REAL, and dying, Kilgore Trout and it's a crazy jayz B movie super spaceship ride!!

12. To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
This is another book that is about The Green Mile/Shawshank Redemption. It's also about lil girls.

When I unpack all my books, I can do another dirty book list. If you want me to tell you whether a book is exciting enough to read, let me know and I'll review it for you in a sentence.

Love Clare xoxo


perthsbest said...

join our book club!!!

Queefer Sutherland said...

o.k. do i need to make cookies?