Sunday, June 7, 2009

dear clarke weldon

here is a short pros and cons list i have compiled about the person youll be moving in with in about 1 weeks time..

x. she has many great t shirts you may want too borrow in the near future. one time she was wearing a frankenstein t shirt and someone yelled out "frankenstein RULES!!" and she felt special, maybe you can feel special wearing a tshirt too!
x. she always, always buys juiceboxes at the grocery store. and maybe even bagels and icecream but definetly always juiceboxes and i know how fond you are of these.
x. she showers often (3-4 times a day) but for short amounts of time. that way youll never have too wait long too punish the barf-room. 
x. she leaves you and yr fellow roomie's well thought out, inspirational notes EG. why are you leaving the house? do you not love me anymore? is this like that one time my parents got divorced and they said 'when people get older they grow apart' FUCK YOU. or i ate all yr bread and condiments, in exchange i have left you a bar of soap at the foot of yr bed. lob jew!
x. many sexcellent cds you clearly want too borrow but are too ashamed too admit too.
x. has many plants and plants produce oxygen and you need oxygen too live. thats what i call a true friend, looking out for yr general well being and exsistance.
x. when drinking she will often nag that you seem too demure, too repressed and in good spirits she may pull her pants down proving that her inhibitions have truly been lost so why the heck are yrs still here? this will cause you a downward spiral of drinking and/or other self destructive behaviour and you may wake only too find her trying too push a dexie down yr throat and thats when you can be sure... youre having a REALLY good time!!

x. she may be sleeping on the couch and may have little too no clothing on and you may invite yr friends around, not realising the situation and you may have too (much too yr disgust) introduce her as 'the one wearing a blanket'
x. every fridge she has ever come across she has decorated with some kind of 12yroldgirl collage, i love ponies etc. etc.
x. possibly many, many more. im sure youll find out soon enough.


1 comment:

Queefer Sutherland said...