Saturday, January 31, 2009

Fashion Blog Edition 1.0


Meet Jo.

Dressing all in white is the new hot tip for summer.

Animal prints are a really big deal. Not too much though, or you end up looking like one of those weird Rockabilly girls with too much lipstick. They all got good bootys though for some reason.





You should definitely base an entire outfit around your crotch. Subtley Slutty.

Neckerchiefs are a simple yet amazing way of dressing up and adding colour to any outfit, as evidenced by the above and below photos.

Friday, January 30, 2009

NEWSFLASH

i have a new job somewhere in hipsterville perth, australia.
this is okay, i like jobs, i like money and i enjoy that we are TOLD too sit the hell down when we close and have a cheeky beer.
so yesterday im taking out this persons order and at the table there are 3 boys and 3 girls and every single one of them is like HELLHELLTANNED and really blonde. and have athletic body types.
when i walk back in im talking too coworker "is that that guy from bigbrother?" shes all "hmm, let me check." she returns "HAHA IT IS LOL" 
i always remembered him, his face is really red from being overtan and he has a shit nose which led me too christen him the hammerhead shark.

(NME)

art bitch

from the title of this blog you are already getting connotations of super fierce (thanks clare) art, possibly menstural blood paintings or perhaps an installation of a toilet with a morning after poo in it (M.A.P)
well no. thats not what this post is about. although all of the above are kind of disgusting, maybe even a little.. dare i say CRAZY (woah!) they are above all imaginitive and at least displaying some sense of originality (and possible themes of body outputs)
unlike some other "art". so one of my lovely housemates has this horrible, most unfortunate canvas with a (blank) flower painted on it. while i maintain that the painter (someone we know) has obvious technical skills and knows about light and colour it dosnt redeem the fact that it is still fucking ugly and has too reside above the kitchen door opposite my room.
i tried being fair "well if you have too keep it out of obbligation i sympathise but why dont we at least hide it behind something? so that way when im walking out of my room intoo the kitchen, this is the obvious place i would go for many varities of cheese are kept here, im not thinking about how much i want too fist yr canvas and rape it with a knife or fire?"

anyway said housemate wouldnt budge "but it was a present" sorry babe that really dosnt cut it for me. once my grandma got me and my sister matching raincoats with ILOVENZ and sheeps all over it. the punchline is she ripped the exzact same raincoat out of her pocket and was all "now we can ALL match!!" you think i brought intoo that? NO. sure i kept it a few days before i sent it off too the salvos but i did the right thing y'know? kids are out there sheltering under cardboard boxes and im throwing out a rain sheltering coat, BAM! im paying it foward.
anyway im sure i could enrich some persons life (possibly blind person) with this terriffic treat of free painting offering.

sometimes i think its dumb really, i know who would frikken love this painting!! middle aged woman!!!! they also love photography but only of hands.
NOTE: the hands have too be babys hands, black dudes hands or wrinkly hands.

in the words of css "suck my art hole" because i only want too surround myself with "visually stimulating" aka. rad things. what is rad too me may not be rad too you and im willing too accept this.

PS: did you know babies PREFER too look at attractive people?? apparantly if you are attractive they will look at you longer than theyd look at an ugly person. there should be a new term for dardys, babystare.

YRS SINCERLY, (NME)

Not funny guys

Imagine this, my friends.

You decide to leave your room (against good judgement), you are at the hydey watching bands play (against good judgement). You feel your bag vibrate indicating a text message. You think "that is probs Jack" or "that is probs Laura". You check the text and it says

A msg from www.thedramadownunder.info- Gemma U may have been exposed to syphilis and may need a sexual health check up. See website for info PLS DO NOT REPLY.

NOW if I didn't know for A FACT that I don't have syphilis I would have freaked the fuck out. Instead I am like 'who the fuck yould send this' aka an enemy (god knows all sassy ladies have them) or a cruel friend (like Jack).

I checked the website and it is a gay website. omg that is soooo gay.

So to you, the hilarious joker who sent me this (you are a regular Rove McManus) if you knew me you would know that I regularly say that if I had the syph I would laugh rally hard because I would be like a modern day Hitler without the Jew hatin' and the receding hairline. Aka eat shit, maybe next time say THE HIV cuz that shit ain't curable, ask Freddy.

Now excuse me while i go eat a bowl of Penicillos(tm)

xoxo
The Donut

Thursday, January 29, 2009

BULLSHIT

Do you remember that scene in How To Lose a Guy In Ten Days where Kate Hudson is all I DON'T LOVE YOU and Matthew McSnoganey says BULLSHIT because they were playing that card game earlier? I obviously don't, because I have never seen that movie and Gemma doesn't own it on VHS. You guys are all gay though and probably bought it on Blu-Ray (p.s. - what is blu-ray? what is HD tv? what is 'plasma' screen?)



Anyway, I call 'boolshit' on fashion blogs. Ew. Some people take pictures of what they wear everyday and put it on the internet and hundreds of people look at the hot pix and talk about what hot pix they are. They say things like "I like that piece" to talk about a shirt or something and their favourite word is 'fierce'. Tigers and other great cats are fierce, not a pair of shoes. Elliot Stapler from Law and Order is fierce too (he is also my boyfriend but me and him are keeping that shooshsies). You can have a piece of pie but you cannot have a piece of a t-shirt. OK.

These bloggers fall in two categories: you either wear all black and white outfits with killer high heels (example) or dress like a retarded little lolita bitch (example). I think sometimes companies send those fillies clothes for free because so many people wanna look at 15 pictures of them being whimsical at sunset and hear stories like "Josef and I found the cutest cafe to drink tea and read e.e. cummings poems downtown!! Afterwards the drive along the coastline was divine, we made hot cocoa when we got home and I sorted through my Polaroids from last summer." Oh my god, why do so many people care about your gay little twee lives and your shredded jeans. Why does nobody wanna send me free clothes for being a whiny little asshole on the internet? I'm a bloganality! One time someone at a party was like "you are from the Chronicles of Dardia" and I was all "Yeah wanna make something of it?" because I was intoxicated. Sorry guy.

I guess street style blogs where someone takes pix of hotties on the street and not themselves are less shitty because the vanity/self obsession factor is at zero degrees but the "I care about what dickheads at the Bakery are wearing and I think other people will too" factor is totally raging high. That's ok, I guess I probably am secretly interested too (p.s. - not really), and it's not totally gross and pretentious. I think a lot of people are interested in clothes, a billion dollar fashion industry seems to suggest so.

In related news, I'm gonna start doing a weekly fashion segment on the C.O.D. called "Gutter Bitch", where I document what I wear to pick up Nandos every time I'm hungover. Look out for no shoes, not showering and no bras and this never actually happening. Love Clare xoxo

Really Amazing Things BFs Say

"I want you to be a pillow, so I can give you head"

Check out more genius here.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

YOU ARE OKAY

so i went too an interview on thursday and it was okay i guess as it was a group interview and thats good (i think)
group interviews mean more people and LESS INTIMATE and i donut feel so nervous and my hands donut get so clammy and i probably wont be like FREAKING OUT WHAT THE HECK?!

we kind of went through our general interests and hobbies and mine was all:
reading, writing, illustration, collecting breakables and longstitch
everyone elses was all:
helping others, volunteer work, extra ciricular activities, wank, wank, wank

the person interviewing me says "nina, what are breakables and longstitch?" i reply "breakables means things like ornaments and cut glass decanters, longstitch is a form of embroidery." interviwer "???....." nina "okay just thing about things that old people like and thats pretty much covers most things i like. i forgot too mention i enjoy scrabble too."
they think im funny. they think im from pluto.
they totally asked me back for a 2nd interview yeah!

my favourite part of the interview was at the end when the dudes all "does anyone have any questions?" thats totally the moment where everyones supposed too ask smart and educated questions but really i felt i knew enough, thanks. noone else had questions so i seized the moment and asked the question i had wanted too ask since i got in the office which was: who is that novelty sized cheque for and why? the glamour of seeing a real life HUGE cheque for $28,650.00 was enough too make anyone ask stupid questions. so the interviewer replys blah blah then asks me if i want too HAVE the cheque. at first i thought hell yeah! but then it dawned on me that some dork wearing a bowtie, walking through the slums of perth with a novelty size cheque for 30 grand is probably just asking for a beating. theyd be all "im going too fight the shit out of you!"

yrs sincerly,
(NME)