BABYS RAPPED IN TOWELS

for a minute there i thought i wrote "babys raped in towels" but for the record i bean tiny humans (babys) rapping (poetry you say out loud).

thats right, im cute, i think an impromptu rap battle is "freelance rap" and that rapping is "poetry spoken aloud". fuck you.

anyway today i was cleaning my room and i found the babyrap i wrote the night baby raps was launched (see previous posts) i was real excited, probably high on coffee and i wrote one, giddy at the chance of interacting/contributing/creating with some of perth's most notorious perthonalities. haha. HI!

yr baby stinks like corn poop.*

my babys popping ill hoops.

yr babys lobbing, air fisting too M.I.A.

my baby slam dances so rad he should be in taking back sunday.

yr babys got a ticket too good vibes.

my babys chillin, whippin cars with his ghost ride.

THE END!

*if you dont know me, you think im crazy, crazy girl who loves talking about poo and butt sickness. I BLAME ALEXI. and i mean that in a good way. anyway babys poo, ITS APPROPRIATE. babys dont poo on command. super spontaneous, uncontrollable, tornado. of poo.

WHAT UP RANDOM DUDE WHO AXED ME FOR ONE DOLLAR?

it was a leisurely walk in the park. only it wasnt leisurely it was FMLHOT and i wasnt in the park, i was walking next too it.

the heat, the heat, im a sweaty slab of meat. probably dehydrated but in good spirits noune the less. if you could see my aura it wouldve been red, the colour of love because im in love with centrelink and red, the colour of me exploring satans asshole, many fiery chasms too explore.

so yes, walking next too the park, up a hill, i think i was even listening too "running up that hill" by kate bush (how appropriate) but i dont run because i walk because im super casual like that.

i see a man up ahead, stepping out of his car, walking towards the park. i think "i wish i was actually going too the park! that would be fun! on a picnic!" but this man definetly wasnt going on a picnic. he looked PISSED. i saw his mouth contort so i took my headphones out.. "doyerhaveonedollarineedathapayphone" too which i replied "sorry i dont have no money, not one.." then he yelled "WHATEVER!!!!" and stormed off.

i kept laughing too myself, if i did have a dollar i surely would have purchased a cold beverage by now, and when you asked me for coin i wouldve gone ayoo agrum agro on yr jerk face.

YOU HAVE A CAR. MY TOTAL PERSONAL POSSESIONS ARE WORTH LIKE 300 DOLLARS. BEAT IT. i wanted too nail his ass. it reminds me of that bukowski novel "pulp" where he wants too nail everyones ass. except when he says it, its kind of erotic, and if i say it I MEAN BUSINESS.

apart from that ive had a lovely day. in my future i forsee many cold beverages, probably drunk from carved coconuts and probably ones you cant pronounce.

never leave, its true i really never have too leave because the government came through for me, soon i will have a dollar and im not giving it too anyone!! mine!! a million kisses!!!!

love always,

NME.

Must Love Normal

This year I have to become normal, for study reasons. Obviously I live a decadent L.A. party girl lifestyle - youtubing early Mariah Carey videos and drinking cordial at 3am - and this is going to be hard. I have also recently become a "rock chick" which involves straight spirits out of the bottle, heaps of eyeliner and throwing glasses on the floor at clubs, and this is also going to be a hard lifestyle to turn my back on (we'd only just begun).



My first day of school I felt old habits creeping up on me. I tried to discover all the different sorts of birds I could draw instead of taking notes (toucan, parrot, kookaburra, magpie, crow, pelican, duckie FYI). I wore clothes from the day before. I didn't talk to anyone. So I am setting myself a deadline to be a good, normal, balanced person by NEXT WEEK, in particular addressing:

- getting up at 7am: this is when normal people get up, I have discovered. When you "go for a run" you get up earlier, like 6am and you work on your glutes.
- eating breakfast: normal people don't drink free coffee all day until you can get home to finally eat some weird sandwich (basil and cheese toasties). They eat yoghurt and fresh fruits. They also don't put the free muffins from their introductory lecture in their handbag for an afternoon snack. NOTE!
- bus activites: normal people don't try to fall asleep on the bus for extra nap time. They read some papers, or a Jodi Piccoult novel or sms text message.
- conversing with colleagues: this is hard because I'm not very good at computers and I don't have any video games and so no one is that into me within the Chemistry department. I introduced myself for the first time to people I have been taking classes with for 4 years today, so that's a good step. They found out that I don't know much about programming, and that I can draw birds ("Is that an owl?").
- wearing khaki pants with running shoes: this is pretty specific to my field, but I'm sure heaps of normal people are into it. Functional, smart, subtly sexy. Also any sort of superfluous clothing - scarves when its not cold, unneccesary belts, jewelry can GTFO.
- regular entries into a weekly planner: normal people go nuts when they lose their diaries. "What do I do!". They don't know. I'm not gonna know.
- doing errands on weekends: washing is not something you do when you realise you've been wearing your housemates' clothes for two weeks (sowwee Hill st!). Groceries are not just bought when you run out of basil for your weird sandwiches. That shit is weekly and you do it on Saturdays. Sundays are for team sports and joining local things, like "Pick up rubbish club!".

See ya on the other side!!

Love Clarke xoxoxo

h8erz

To quote Prince Paul, 'For as long as I can remember, people have hated me.' I just discovered C.O.D. got a h8er! A h8er who knows the alarming fact that heaps of people can't spell all that well.

HIT UP http://chronicalsofdardia.blogspot.com

And if it was you that made it, plz email us! I am actually lol-ing heaps about it and think it's a really good joke and I kind of want us to be friends.

99c stickers

Look dudes, I'm really sorry that I haven't been blogging and letting you know all the innate details of my incredibly interesting and intricate life. I could ramble all day about the amazing helicopter rides and hangouts with rockstars and all the Hennessey I have been drinking but that would actually be a lie.
Instead the delectable Benjamin Menzies of Wack Sauce, Jimmy Hats of atinlayigpayuckfay and I have been working on a secret project which has finally come into fruition and should be the top of your RSS Feeders or Google Readers or whatever it is that people who actually know how to navigate technology use to read all their blogs. (Pretty Sure all of Dardia just have shit committed to memory. Speaking of which nobody answered our question. What is Blu-Ray ?? ?? ?) In fact you should delete all other blogs from your memory/reader/whatever and just read this one daily.


Immediately go to http://babyraps.blogspot.com RIGHT NOW I SAID IMMEDIATELY.

Coming up Clarke

This week I

- quit my job
- got on the 'link
- signed up for radioactive class
- ate a dinner box of KFC
- pretended to go to work for 3 shifts but really just stayed at home watching dvd box sets
- wore an anorak

~~*iF yOu'Re GoInG 2 rEacH 4 dA sTaRs, rEaCh 4 dA LoWeSt oNe pOsSiBLe*~~~

TITS 'N' ASS

i made a discovery a couple of weeks ago. a golden nugget of blow yr freakin mind information that im perplexed as too why i had never been aware of before.

allegedly there are two types of dudes and you got to be one of the other kind of thing. yr either all about the TITS, rack, boobies, breasts or you down for nothing but ASS, butt, booty, bum.

its seems logical really. i think the reason this thought had never really entered my dumb brain before is because i was genetically fucked over and posess neither one nor the other. is this humanly possible... you may ask. well too be honest i thought my ASS was the shining crown of glory, its soft and cute and i know for a fact i cant be a TITS grrrl because i just aint got nothing in that paddock. i claimed too be an ASS but my friends dismissed me. where do i fit in? am i a social outcast destined forever too be a freak? or are there other categorys i may possibly fall intoo like medium ass zero tit kewt bangs. are there possibly minority categorys like dudes who are really intoo swan like necks (have you ever considered being a neck model?) are legs there own individual category or are they apart of and included in ASS?

as a dude do you feel pressure too choose one over the other? i have heard TITS dudes are a bit left of centre, but ASS guys are usually the norm. what do you think?

you could maybe even ask gemmer about it, shes really good at giving advice you know axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

maybe shell have some salient advice for me. (probably not though, shes probably just going too tell me im "glothlicklolitabilly" a made up subculture she ridicules and i am repulsed by)

BUGGING OUT

i start school in ONE week. kind of nervous (?) anal retentive etc.