Pathetic aspects of my life made less so by 30 Rock

I know I probs mention 30 Rock too much on COD but it is seriously all I watch. Anyway, this blog is about all the sad aspects of my life that previously depressed me until I started looking at my life like it was a comedy TV show.

• I spilled a glass of red wine on my laptop
• that I buy fruit when I buy junk food so that the people at the checkout don't think less of me
• when I buy a lot at McDonald's I seriously consider pretending to be on the phone to someone saying "yes, I'm getting it now...four cheeseburgers, right?"
• that my local Domino's knows me by name (these all seem to be about food)
• that I couldn't wait 3 days for a haircut (too excited) so I cut it myself and now I look like a small Town lesbian. Actually I didn't like it before but I do now. I feel like a girl for the first time since my year 12 ball
• every time someone orders pizza to a house on my street at work I say "howdy neighbour!" they seriously don't care.
• that I have tried to quit smoking every week for around 2 years
• I'm really messy. I'd look like a hobo in a Chanel suit, so imagine how horrifying I look in my actual clothes (I spent $80 at Cotton On the other day)
• that I'm so against the War on Terror and racial stereotyping and all that junk but if there is a guy on the same plane as me with a turban, I get nervous
• I go searching for my granny pants in the morning, I have something like 20 pairs of sexy undies but they go untouched, they go untouched like Hilary Clinton's vagina
• there's a mould stain on my coffee table because I left a HJ's Fanta on it for so long that it soaked through the cup
• my number one celeb crush at the moment is Louis Theroux (I can't stop thinking about him on that weird exercise machine getting spanked by that bizarro doctor)
• I'm super psyched to wear the tattoos that came with the bag of Freddos I bought (esp. the one where he's body boarding!!!)
• The lie spirals I occasionally get trapped in (I'm basically a twelve year old Larry David)
• I'm convinced the only way I'm ever going to be skinny is by going on Survivor
• I like Gay Porn
• My love for The View and Oprah (damn them being on at the same time)
• That I'm always talking about Feminism, I have read The Second Sex and pretty much only listen to Riot Grrrl music but I still get intimidated by all men, even losers and retards and I totally call girls sluts.
• I act all political but I'm not even enrolled to vote
• I have a gigantic bruise on my butt, I don't remember falling over. I think I slept on a T-Rex toy
• I blew up balloons at work, drew creepy faces on them and hid them in all the cupboards and in the fridge to freak out my coworkers. I don't even know them, I've met them like two times
• I start doing the puzzles in the West Australian at 4.30pm and I have to finish them by the time the store closes, if I don't I get really bummed out.
• Also when I do the puzzles it turns into a war between me and their creators (in my mind). Especially the 'Word Find' "oh yeah? Thought you could hide it diagonally AND backwards, think again buddy"
• I just spent 15 minutes seeing how far away I could get from my kitchen sink while still being able to spit water into it.