With november approaching, everyone is going to be growing their upper lip hair in an attempt to cure cancer. I currently sport a tash, and this has left me with 3 main concerns.
A) People will assume I have just grown the moustache for 'Movember'. This is wrong. I couldn't give a fuck about cancer.
2) Every other wanker will be wearing a moustache.
^) Ginger's seem to think that cancer research is an acceptable excuse to grow out their facial hair. It's not.
How am I supposed to express my individuality and crazy sense of humour without an ironic, borderline pubescent moustache?
Moustached in Mt Lawley
Dear Moustached in Mt Lawley,
None of us ACTUALLY care about cancer (its totally a non-issue, right?). However you could take this Movember as a time to tap into some SERIOUS poon. Tell girls that you have raised like $30,000 for cancer research and that you overcame alopecia and an allergy to your own hair to do so. You'll be rolling in the hairy walnut. Girls like nice guys almost as much as they love assholes. Maybe even go after girls that you know have just broken up with bastards, they'll be so into you they'll probs even let you piss on them in the shower.
If this isn't for you then you may have to grow the manliest and best mustache you can muster. Or just cut the damn thing off. Or get a Hitler mustache.
Here is an example of a mustache that triumphs over Movember
But some people aren't as lucky as Andrew Murrassey. It was a miracle that Mexican drifter was passing by his parents house that day 23 years ago and that his dad was at work. And that his Mum was ovulating.
So here are your choices
- lie in order to get biffed
- man it up
- cut it off
- Hitler mustache
- steal Andrew's face a la Face-Off
Other ways to show how kooky/quirky/vintage you are
- wear women's sandals
- get a tattoo on your face
- get a manly mustache tattooed on yr face
- marry your cousin
- lensless gheyferers
- start a blog with some of your rockabilly friends
Also, rangs are cute sometimes but nerrbody biffs them so dun worry.
I hope this has helped.
Love from everyone's favorite Agony Aunt,
If you have a question for me send it to firstname.lastname@example.org