Sunday, November 8, 2009


HI. It’s me, Clarke. Let’s talk nails! I mean, meds. Drugs are kinda gay. Nobody likes lobbers, everyone laughs at junkies, and hallucinogens are ok on holidays, I guess. A million people are “quitting weed” (haha) because they’re not 18 anymore. I think you could say that illegal drugs are like totally out of fashion. Passe! Gross! Gimme a jack n coke!

An old trend still going strong is getting fucked up on prescription meds. It’s way cooler. Even celebrities like MJ are into it. But like, celebrities aren’t cool anyway. Dead celebrities are cool though. This post is going to be pretty on trend.

Benzos are benzos, pain killers are heroin, ADD medication is speed (or meth sometimes). I am kind of lying because they’re not exactly the same molecules, they just belong to the same class of compounds. I feel like I am making an “important point” here tho.

I don’t really care about people getting fucked up on meds (whatever) but shopping around for script-happy doctors and actually spending your pocket money on benzos just for funsies? Yucky. You are pretty much being a giant sucker and giving your money to the worstest guys. I would prefer to give my money to the underdogs, the little honest mom and pop dealers just trying to scratch a living from their cute little meth lab in Spearwood while all the big guys like Pfizer, BMS, Roche are hell stealing their clientele.

Pharmaceutical companies are the worst guys because they are super sneaky. It would be OK if they were all “Oh hai, we are all about the dorrar bills” but instead they pretend that their #1 interest is your health and well being. They make money from sick people, I’m into that, but then they took things up a notch and started making money from not sick people. You can’t really convince the average punter they have cancer when they don’t but you can convince them that they have ADD and depression and anxiety when they don’t. It’s pretty easy and they do it sneaky too!! Pharmaceutical companies make way more junkies outta regular people than dealers do, and it’s all above board and risk free. Also, the illegal junkies are always fucking up and dying so they can’t buy anymore, whilst the regular junkies ain’t gonna die, they’re hooked and ready to spend for the rest of their lives. If I was a doctor I would make a little “CA-CHING!” sound effect every time I signed a script, for giggles.

Sometimes newspapers and magazines are all about promoting mental illness awareness, for the good of the community. They release special liftouts listing symptoms of depression and anxiety, so you can self diagnose and toddle off to the doctor. It’s cute. The lift-outs are normally funded by the companies who make the drugs to fix you, but they keep that a secret and put it in the fine print.

The symptoms listed for generalized anxiety disorder are all nice and vague like “excessive and irrational worrying” and having physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, muscle aches, insomnia and irritability. Oh hey 100% of people I know. Same with depression: low self-esteem, loss of pleasure, insomnia, worthlessness, helplessness. If you break up with someone/have someone die on u and don’t get over it in a month then you are technically classified as clinically depressed. Oh hey 100% of people I know. ADHD is a real winner too because all the symptoms are basically “things kids do to piss off their parents” and also you can make junkies out of 7 year olds. So cute!! They’re all into MAD magazine and also speed.

Some doctors are the worst guys too, they’ve got the prescription pad already out. A sales rep from Pfizer will tell them to really push Xanax this month, Xanax is the one to sell this month. Or whatever. It’s illegal now to give doctors money for prescribing the most meds in the area, but they get ‘bonuses’. You get a bullshit script for oxycontin, they go on a Contiki tour.

Also, sometimes scientific studies are launched into the effectiveness of a particular drug, you know, by independent researchers. The independent researchers research independently, but you know, their study is funded by the pharmaceutical company who makes the drug. The results, you know, aren’t released unless they’re favourable and a potential increaser of sales. All research and development funded by pharmaceutical companies isn’t driven by what is a serious medical problem or what disease is killing the most the people. It’s about $$$$. The most money goes into cancer or heart disease research. Rich people get cancer. Malaria still kills around a million people a year, but no one cares about making new drugs to treat it or prevent it because only poor people get malaria and everybody knows poor people can’t buy drugs.

I know there are people who actually do have mntl prblms and dese meds actually work and are indispensible and great. There’s 0 things wrong with that. But it seems that if you can’t deal with yr problems (I CAN’T DEAAALL) and are bumming hard (GUYS I’M BUMMED) then there is something medically wrong with you. It’s really gay but that Radiohead song that’s all “fitter, happier, sexy, posi!!” (not how it goes) is pretty applicable. Sometimes it’s ok to be a sad, deviant, fat, gross, ill-adjusted, crappy member of society for a while. I’m into it!! It’s weird that people want to buy into the mental health industry just for fun and for getting fucked up. It’s kind of what they would want you to do, it’s all just money to them.

In conclusion, don’t pay for your doctor’s holiday. Steal all your meds! OR take it back to da streets and start wearing those hilarious t-shirts with pictures of aliens saying “Take me to your dealer”. Support mom and pop meth labs. I mean, you’re more likely to die but at least you’ll have a commendable anti-establishment political agenda. Being dead is cool anyway.

In an additional conclusion, I am totally working for a pharmaceutical company when I grow up. It’s the only way I can fulfill my dreams of being a scientist, having no soul, making a living off yr sickness and stacking papes. HEY PFIZER HIRE ME!!

Love From Michael Moore guest starring Clarke xoxoxo

p.s. – I totally take prescription drugs.

p.p.s – not really.


Miglet said...

Some malaria tablets will make you hallucinate big time. Especially if they're the ones that you take when you get to a malaria-infested country, instead of taking the Oz ones before you go.

Spouses have tried to murder other spouses while on malaria tablets. True story. Or so my "safari" guide told me and she looked like Sharon from Kath and Kim so why shouldn't I believe her...?

fullmetalsean said...

There's a cool podcast by All in the Mind (ABC) about antidepressants. Its about the pooling together of all the studies done on antidepressants. End result - they are no different from placebo. I don't know about it, but its pretty interesting.