Working 9 to 5

FACT: I am the Woody Allen of the science world.

Today at my rully cool job I spent about an hour meticulously preparing a fluorescent assay of some sampz (samples) into one of these babies:

I even went so far as to evaporate interfering solvents under nitrogen, it was serious bizness. Some weird German people wanted to come visit our lab but got scared by the BIOHAZARD and PHYSICAL CONTAINMENT LEVEL 2 stickers all over our door. Then they saw me sans lab coat/gloves and also listening to some jams on my pod and probably got less scared. I do not look like I am bothered by biohazards. Anyway they were a distraction and I'm allergic to Germans. I got caught by surprise by a heinous sneeze and spattered my snot all over my plate! Experiment ruined.

Love from Clare in that one scene in Annie Hall xoxo


p.s. - I bet the dudes from that band We Are Scientists are like not actually scientists.

still ill

i had ran too the local shops (under the safety of my umbrella) too purchase some cigarettes as i would not be able too finish my homowork without them.
BAM! cigarettes purchased, all is well.
but, on my way out i happened too walk through the myers exit. BIG MISTAKE. i had my usual lost look on my face (its permanant) when abruptly this woman stopped and asked if i needed some help.
i was trying too be nice "uh, well.. ummm i think.. no im fine thanks." anyway shes telling me about some new product or something, blowing my mind with this array of colours etc. oooh what a pretty bottle shes cooeing, as if shed never noticed the product shes selling before.
i was looking around, starting too get a bit annoyed when shes exclaiming loudly "its peach!"
i turned at her, looked her straight in the eyes and told her the honest truth "im really sorry but i have too go, ill come back tomorrow. i must return home URGENTLY because i left the dogs inside and they are going too piss everywhere."
i proceeded too walk briskly too the exit and opened my umbrella preparing too face mother nature, once again.

PS// dont worry when i got home the carpet was unsoiled, nothing was even chewed! phewph.

Ballin'

Exclusive boutique targeted in Mercedes ram-raid

DISCERNING thieves have used a stolen Mercedes Benz to carry out a brazen ram-raid on an exclusive boutique in Perth's designer shopping strip this morning.

Police say two men wearing balaclavas reversed the silver Mercedes through the front window of the Gucci store on King Street at about 5:15am and grabbed expensive handbags from a window display before driving off.

The car was last seen heading towards Subiaco.


This news item is actually perfect. What a bunch of lords. I love it how they are 'discerning' and how the car was seen "heading towards Subiaco"

Famaree

This is a photo of two of my sisters. I have MS painted over one of their faces cus she is in rehab at the moment, and you know, Narcotics Anonymous and all that jazz. Boys, the one on the right is a lesbian. Girls, she's taken.

Anyhow, this post is about my sister on the left. She is what is universally described as a "hard cunt". I have seen her beat up guys, beat up girls, and beat up inanimate objects. She's been to jail, and yes, she occasionally smokes white ox.I've seen her fight my Dad and win. I didn't think that was supposed to happen.

She told me this story while she was out on a day pass from rehab yesterday and her and my other sister picked me up from hospital. There is this big, fat, Samoan dude in rehab with her who is what is known as a "creep". Apparantly he calls her a slut and is always looking at the girls and shit, and other generally greasy, gross behaviour. The rehab had a basketball match, and when the Samoan dude had the ball, my sister ran at him as fast as she possibly can, with as much force as she could muster. He flew a couple of metres, and had to go to hospital with a torn ligament. She didn't get into trouble because it was a basketball game. He now leaves her alone.

What a tough bitch!

Injuries.

For as long as I can remember, I have been fucking myself up wicked ways. There was the time I tried to hoist jump a fence because I was too lazy to walk the 20m around it at Fremantle Train Station after introducing James Morton to Passion Pop in the Hydey Car Park, and this happened.

That's a broken nose, and a whole bunch of facial contusions, thanks guys. The best part of that happening was when a kindly Aboriginal man took one look at me, and said I looked cold, conveniently neglecting to mention the blood all over my face/shirt. Thanks dude!

Then there was the 2 week period this year where I fell down a set of stairs that I walk up/down on average every 2 days, gave myself concussion by walking to the toilet in the middle of the night, getting my feet caught up in clothes, falling and hitting the corner of a concrete wall, and I got kicked off a bike at 3am near Amps.


This doesn't look that impressive, but that's because Spaks only took the photo of my face, instead of all over my hands and arms where I had been putting the blood. I asked some shit idiot for his beer outside Amps and he got angry at me when I used it to wash all m' O positive off me. Interesting sidenote, I got not ONE drop of blood on the peppermint green hoodie I was wearing at the time.

Then there was this. I was basically being a sick cunt, drinking Coops Red, standing up in a shopping trolley, when a Russian Lawyer kicked the trolley. You can guess what happened next.

That's right, I pretty much have 4 knees here. The Russian Lawyer felt really bad and he is in the Peace Corp now. Or the UN or something. I choose to believe that there is a direct correlation between that and him kicking me out of a Coles Trolley onto bricks. Interesting side note #2 - his high school girlfriend is this girl http://www.myspace.com/yaramusic

I think the injuries I have at the moment are probably the most severe - I'm used to the bruises, sprained ankles and bumps on my head that come with being an unco bitch, but like, Jesus, are you going to let up soon? I am currently nursing a pus fulled knee, a snapped off front tooth that was put back on with an "experimental" procedure that involved scraping most of the nerve out, sticking medicine on it and then jamming my tooth back on, 2 stitches in my mouth/lip that make me puff out like the niggerest nigger you have ever niggered and a broken calcaneus (ie heel bone, the worst thing to break apart from shattering your fucking knee.) Oh and I got a tetanus shot too on the weekend.

The rest of the year better be coming up Gracey. I am wishing to somehow get onto the confectionary track that Ben Menzies is on, for a super sweet, affordable, rad house in the next few weeks, and for basically urrthing cool to happen to me, ever.

Why C is G's best friend

Clare and I walked from our super rad apartment to get some food the other night for I had been craving a roast and gravy roll for approximately a month and a half. On the way back we noticed that Club X had some super sweet outfits in their window (including a crazy-good flight attendant's outfit).

After sifting through the many beautiful garments she finally found one that she liked: a little sailor costume. Here is a picture of the nautical beauty.


So we're walking around the store browsing the dildos and butt plugs as Clare tells me her plans for the suit, "I'm going to eat burgers in it, I'm going to sit at home and eat burgers". We get to the counter and C pops the dress down on and proclaims loud enough for the lady serving us to hear "Man, I'm going to get so many stains on this". I think she also heard me saying that I couldn't wait to get home so Clare could put it on.

It has been a few days now, the word has probably spread around Club X that Clare and I are lezzing the fuck out together and also into scat and golden showers or some crap. How will I ever show my face in there again?

Love from your mother, brother, secret lover,
Gemma XOXO

travelling, well.

this weekend one member of the c.o.d travels abroad. too mandurah. this treacherous journey requires a bus ride and one time consuming trainride AKA. no liscence.
whilst embarking on this un-adventure i decided it would be an excellent time too compose a list of helpful tips on the "art" of travelling.


tip #1. represent perth city, not perth shitty.
the weather of late has been pretty damn cold YET// still moments of glaring sun in youre eyes. pack accordingly eg. mittens and glasses. you probably dont need bumbags or visors unless you are deviating too a klaxons gig.

tip #2. enviro friendly bags are youre friend!
one of these at youre local supermarket will set you back around $4, if that. buy one and never look back. these babies will fit just about everything youll ever need in life. (alcohol too hide in alleyways, clothes so you dont get cold, books, calculators blah blah) and its nice too know that if you accidently spill shit on it/set it on fire/soil it you can easily go and purchase another.

tip #3. snacks.
when setting out on a journey that requires more than 3o minutes of being stationary i would suggest a light refreshment as a perfect way of keeping oneself in good spirits. since there are no refridgerator services avaliable on trains - yet i am still in need of some cheese flavoured fun im avoiding dairy and instead going for a le-snack and a packet of cheese&bacon balls. BAM! cheese fix covered. but take whatever you like, cashews, whatever.

tip #4. fun, entertainment and all that.
now that we have established general survival needs for the long haul youre probably also going too need some form of mental stimulation. i would strongly advise against sleeping - innnocent, sleeping people often become the victims of others rage and hate. i would suggest books, books are good. i chose some japanese manga. although i am yet too learn japanese the pictures are nice too look at and will ensure i am distracted enough that others wont try too engage in conversations with me or ask dumb questions. please dont give me this "if i read i feel sick" crap. that only happens when you look out the window while the vechile is moving. (PS. while youre reading you should be looking at the book, what school did you go to?) i like too make sure i have a constant supply of paper and pens. go on, impress youre friends. buy a moleskin!

happy travelling :)