Sunday, August 31, 2008

Cool People I Have Kissed: REPRISE

Approx. a bazillion people are all IS IT ME IS IT ME right now. It’s like not hey. I’ll introduce this lucky young gentleman in a roundabout fashion and you should all probably ignore how gross this story is because it’s really funny. Feelings are funny!

Okay so one night C.O.D (yea u kno me) were sitting out on our Parklame headquarters’ balcony, probably dranking some Cougars (appropriate). I think I was in my room, maybe changing the record, maybe putting on some sox, it’s not that clear. Gracey comes into my room, calm but clearly excited saying something about a WASTED naked dude in a fur hat trying to talk to the COD from the downstairs balcony. “Ok!” I said, and went out to look. This is what greeted me:

We all suppressed our gag reflexes (you can’t tell but he has raver piercings, basically) and told him to show us his butt while we took pictures. It seemed the obvious thing to do. He obliged:

And then we went our separate ways. A week or two later I saw this gent in our apartment complex again, in the afternoon time and I walked past him, paused on the stairs, looked up and said, “I’ve seen your butt”. Because I had you know? Me and Gemma continued to see him around a lot over the course of the month, he gets drunk at apartment 19 a lot but he doesn’t actually live at Parklame. He lives with his mom because he is 16 years old. Ok. So obviously we were like, “omg what a blonde bombshell, dare you to make out with him” and it was really funny but neither of us dreamed it would ever happen.

Last weekend I was coming back from Tower Ridge where I had dropped Fremantle Tim (who was not in Fremantle) for a nap. Gracey was leaving Parklame, Gemma, Chris and Nina maybe were smoking on the balcony. I was walking up the stairs past number 19 when I see the bombshell on his balcony. “Can I have a hug?” he said. I said “Sure! Lean really far over the balcony and I’ll give you one!” because I’m mean and I wanted him to fall over. Then I looked up at Gemma watching me and a light went off. He came out the front door, along with a couple of his raver 16 year old friends. We hugged, I wrapped my legs around his body and made him walk backwards till we were in clear view from the COD balcony. “Hey Gemmer!” I called out. And to the screams of Gemma saying “ NO CLARE NO NO NO DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT NO” I did it. I did a kiss.

And that is the story of how I made out with a 1992, and also how we have each other’s hearts (I haven’t seen him since).

Love Clare xoxoxo

p.s – next stop, Corey Delaney!

lardy dardy

friday nights are still my favourite time of the week. morrissey says: everyday is like sunday nina wishes: everyday WAS friday. i returned home after a friday night out too find tash, koops and i had succesfully smashed 3 glasses, a picture and our toilet was full of glass. im not sure if any of us have a recollection of this (?) but very much fun times indeed.
saturday night was prettygood also. clare and i girl -rapped most of the night. then 3/4ths of the C.O.D did a run too munster. add bourbon add cigarettes add athleticism equals unattainable amounts of greatness!!

SIM: hey i want you too meet my friend nina, nina this is _ _ _
N: hi, im nina. i have velcro shoes!! yeah!
- lean down and unrip velcro several times too prove it -
SIM: so hows that working out for you?
N: really good, let me explain too you the conveinence i experience just by choosing velcro..

interbloggular, interplanetary, intercourse, interbreed, internal, interrnet

VOTE! C.O.D! (cheese or die)
youres sincerly, nina marie elliott (NME)

Why Do I Exist

Don't be fooled by the kix that I got

I'm still Clarey from the Cerebral Palsy Unit

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

the stockmarket (?)

N: so yeah ive been riding the porridge train lately, they have all of these rad flavours like honey and strawberry and...
S: you should never tell youre parents that! look what youve done!
N: umm, tell you that i like porridge? (quizical look)
S: dont you know, its the first sign of you being a drug addict. i red it on the internet.
N: WTF??!!!

also today while sally was on the stockmarket checking figures or whatevs i was watching her as she went into this thing where people make bulletins about how everythings going. something like "oh im so emo BHP went through the roof and i sold them yesterday so i could buy some CCL, devs." and i saw this

BIONICBOY says: CNP is going down, not like my girlfriend :(


pro cheddar, also likes fetta x.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

brash and sassy

last weekend the police came too our apartment 3 times because of the noise. then someone stole our power fuse. then in a scurry for beer gracey and i were locked out of our apartment and had too pay $$ too get back in. GAY

this weekend there was tattoos, free alcohol, broken jettys and rad partys. also people falling out of hammocks and phantom toilet punishers. we coined the phrase "do a wee." and weilded it shamlessly. people thought we were weird and we told them too get some friends cause that boat was made too carry several people not one. i got a brash (beard rash) on my chin from a polack. gracey got some ink. me gem and clare got some burgers.

we all got bruises and now we are tough like old dudes on motorbikes. C.O.D!!!!

Girls who could turn me queer, part one.

Kelli Garner (Thumbsucker and Lars and the Real Girl)
Lizzy Caplan (of Mean Girls variety)
HAHAHAH JUST KIDDING. Clare is fucking disgusting.

Love from Osama Bint Laden

Four girls, one cup.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

times that should have been documented but werent: society fails too capture and record my life

sometimes somethings happen. sometimes some retarded things happen. that is mostly my exsistence. now, i shall elaborate.

1! the first time i ever swore.
heard boy at kindergarten using the f word. hadnt ever heard this word before so decided too intergrate it into my vocabulary by using it at home. got chased down driveway. punished by having mouth washed out with soap (very popular in the 90s)

2! the time i ruined my nose forevs.
playing a game of tag with my sister and cousin. my sister was "it". sprinting through driveway and avoid being tagged only too slip and smash face ontoo a pushmower. blade moved my nose out of place. nina stuck with quassimodo nose forever. boo.

3! the time it rained animals.
galloping through the pristine nz countryside on my horse. come too fencless bridge over shallow river. proceed with caution. horse spooks at clump of grass (scary!!) and plummets of bridge inprisoning my legs under him. i sit there soaking wet while he gets up and just stands next too me while i cry "WHAT THE DEUCE WERE YOU THINKING??!!"

4! the time i broke youre windows.
at a party in carine somewhere. not sure whoose it was, probs some randoms. anyway party is going smoothly. maccing with then crush against window in "sunroom". crush has some form of A.D.D and proceeds too push me intoo window without warning. goes in for 2nd mac, i push him back but fall through glass window instead. exit premises immediately in goon induced haze. i had no recollection of this incident until crush said "are you bleeding, are you all cut up?" the next day. he didnt tell me he had A.D.D i kind of worked that one out for myself. this became especially obvious when he was faced with questions unknown his only response would be 'cookies' or 'cats'

too be continued...........

dream zines

while at the book shop yesterday scouring the shelves for the latest things too entertain me i stumbled upon a zine with pictures of mick zing. haha famezing.

anyways, people should definetly make more zines. in the uk and the usa they have sections at the LIBRARY for zines. i like the idea of that!

Monday, August 18, 2008

going steady

on friday night after finishing work at 12 i ran home, skulled some bourbon & coke and started the journey too amps. on my way some biff tried too convince me too get in his limo. NO.
amps was pretty rad even though francesco was trying too be mysterious and not play the song jacqui had requested. geeze!
after consuming a jug of beer and oscilating wildly too the last song it was time too head home.
upon arriving home i decided things were getting too hectic too handle and the only option was bread (bed)
wake up only too discover i had barfed on my favourite pillow.
okay so you guys are like "why the hell would you tell me that, youre rank and off chops!!" but too me nose bleeds and barfing are like a sign that you can truly deal. like things are chaotic but you live on. HK for life.

the next day i decided that my life long dream was too practice a dying art
EG: paper mache taxidermy
EG: lamp shade decorating
EG: stationary making

these crafts radiate!! greatness.

now im at work. i just went on break and sat outside for a garette. my work dardy was sitting erotticly close. i imagine him saying "whats on youre list" and im all "DFA and the smiths" and him being quietly impressed at my radically eclectic yet harmlessly cool taste.

sigh. i wish it was friday again..

pro cheddar, cheese does it better x.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Cool Conversations With My Mom

M: You smell good!
C: That's my eggz-ma cream.
M: You mean eczema?
C: Yeah.
M: Gross.

Disney Hierarchy

I rully hate it when you ask someone what their favourite Disney movie is and they're all THE LITTLE MERMAID. Like wtf, who are you. That tells me nothing about yourself. It's kinda like saying The Arcade Fire is your favourite band. The Little Mermaid isn't even THAT good, the best part is when Flouder says "I'm not a guppy" and looks really angry. Sometimes when I get angry in real life I say that under my breath and it's empowering. I guess I really like the Kiss the Girl song too (because the back up singers are frogs!) and Homer Simpson's version of Under the Sea is amazing too. The worst classic animated Disney movie of all time is Sleeping Beauty, mainly because it offends me (as a woman) and Prince Charming isn't even that dardy (wtf at his eyebrows) but I digress. Snow White is shit too, and I even got bored watching Fantasia after a million Doobie Brothers shows. Things like Pocahontus and (I'm sorry) Mulan are okay and everything, but I don't feel the passion. I don't really get the Aladdin hype that much either, and A Whole New World is the most homo song to exist in the history of the universe forever. Get that as a tattoo Bowser! Don't you dare close your eyes!

If you are gonna say a mainstream Disney movie is your favourite, you are allowed to say The Lion King because it's really good. Like if you are on a game show and someone asks What Is the Best Disney Movie then you should probably say The Lion King because you'll win a Hummer or something (if you are on the same game show and they ask What Is The Best Colour, you should say green because you'll win too, you'll be a returning champion). Other acceptable Disney movies you are allowed to rave about are Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, Dumbo, Bambi and Lady & The Tramp.
If you are trying to impress me by saying An American Tail, The Land Before Time or All Dogs Go To Heaven are your favourite Disneys, NICE TRY ASSHOLE. Like no actually, good try, I count those movies among my favourites but they are all Don Bluth movies (I am so embarrassing), not Disney. Don Bluth is the master of the animated tear jerker (Immigrant mouse playing the violin after the 'death' of his son? I am not made of stone!).

Anyway, my favourite Disney movie is probably The Rescuers (the first one, Down Under was kinda bad) or maybe Robin Hood. These are good answers, mainly because I have universally acknowledged perfect taste. When I was a young girl with a bowl haircut who exclusively wore matching trackpant/track jumper outfits, these were the movies I would watch over and over. I really related to Penny the orphan, mainly because I would have been too ugly to get adopted too! The Rescuers is probably the reason I feel shit working in a lab that uses mice because like what if they are members of the Rescue Aid Society and we just killed them to speriment on their brains?

Love Clare xoxoxo

P.s - I haven't talked about all Disney movies (especially post 90s ones) because I really need to do a wee. If you want my opinion on an animated movie (you probably do, I have perfect taste) then I can maybe give it to you.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

How To?

Christopher James Michael Jones and I just had a high powered business lunch where we exchanged files, made fun of iphones, etc etc at Subway. (Because I know you're all interested, he had a foot long meatball with chipotle south west dressing, olives, jalapenos, bacon and some other junk. I had a six inch ham with cucumber, tomato, cheese, olives, and honey mustard and mayo)

Anyway, our general table was stolen by some dicks, so we maneouvered ourselves outside QV1 where we were greeted by the most wranga wranga that had ever wranga-ed pretty much. It was like if Pippy Longstocking was a boy who became a computer engineer and started wearing ill fitting grey suits and wraparound sunglasses. Chris left to go to his building to pick up a cd for me, and I overheard the rules of Dardis, according to Wrangas.

Wranga: So yeah like, she messaged me last night mate, and she sent the first message and the last message. That's definitely the way to go.

*Nods all round from other non wranga business men*

Wranga: So I'm keeping her keen right, I mean I'll wait till at least 4 to 5 days after I fuck her to make contact. It's the way to go.

I'm sure we can all learn a little something from this.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Oh, hello.

This is pretty much the best photo I have ever seen that accurately portrays 'The Weekend'. It's hard to capture that energy in photo form, right? Kind of like in The Simpsons when dignity is like, a blob with a dot in it.

Happy Birthday Nina!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Sunday Nights

Sunday nights are generally the pits, really. If you're a Dolly Parton like most of the working world then it's the night you face the reality that the next 5 days are going to be spent doing something that you don't really want to do, for less money than you think you deserve.

Unless you are Perthonalities like Richard Cleverley and I and you do this.

Welcome to the Lionfish IV, our home for the next 6 hours.
The night started with the aforementioned glamorous motherfucker Richard Cleverley and I drinking Grey Goose on my balcony overlooking the entire C.O.P. skyline. We were going to catch a train, but we knew that this night was special, and we didn't want to fucks with anything as menial as public transport, so we taxi-ed straight to Fremantle. When we got there, this guy was waiting for us.
These fags were trying to get on.
It's alright, Karl was all "You shall not pass."
Petro ate some pizza and looked really contemplatively Greek.
The snitch was there, we were gonna push him overboard but then we decided to let him live out his miserable life. Besides, there were hell lobbing guz to look at.

By this point the boat hadn't even left the dock.
Ahh, there we go.
That girl in the red splattered dress was crying by the end of the boat trip because I threw one of her shoes overboard.
Oh yeah, The Presets were DJ'ing. Well, the semi receding hairline half.
Bowser was chopping.
Richard and I had partaken in a lobster dinner each, so we wanted to see what would happen if we went in here.
What happened was we met the Captain. His highlight of the night was some drunk girl vomiting on herself and then taking all of her clothes off, so he could hose her off.
We thought his sign wasn't working very well, so we made him a new one.
Richard met his Dream Girl.
They were wearing His 'n' Hers versions of the same shoe.
An impromptu battle started.
Then it was time to dock. As everyone was gathering up their stuff and falling out onto the jetty and exclaiming and stuff, some girl was almost crying. It was the same girl we'd seen fall down the steps earlier on in the night, and she asked us if we'd seen her bag.
Richard: No, I haven't seen your bag. But it could be worse.
Close to tears Girl: How? How could it be worse?
Richard: I could have lost my bag.

Quote from this guy "Just because my girlfriend's preggerz with my kid doesn't mean she needs to know where the fuck I am all the time"

This is our insane taxi driver home. We were wondering why Waxe was being so quiet in the front seat while we were in the back making fun of his world music that suddenly went all drill and bass in the middle. Waxe told us when we got out that the taxi driver had been swerving all over the road, and looking at Waxe, then speeding up into red lights. We didn't notice at all.
Thanks Joshy! You totally deserve that clown car filled with sluts that pulled up to your house at 5am in the morning! The ones Cameron Stack wouldn't even touch!

The End.