Secret Wet Dreams

DEAR BILL COMPTON,

i thought that maybe we could go steady, L.O.S even (for sure) because i would be yr real life perky, sweet smelling, hornbag waitress.

THEN I FIND OUT YOU N SOOKIE DATING FOR REALS AND THE DEALBREAKER IS YOU WEAR CROCS. OH, THE SHAME.

thats okay though, ive secretly always been batting for "team eric". oh, yeah.

FANGS FOR NOTHING

I might wear a beret to this

~~~~SOFT COPY~~~~~

SAT AUGUST 29, 6pm!!!

an exhibition featuring photocopied editions by...
Gian Manik, Ferron Dearnley, Ruby Jeppe, Andrew Varano, Crystal Jones, Chonny D'arcy, COD, Amber Fresh, Megan Plunkett, Tom Freeman, Matt Giles, Marcus Canning, Thomas Jeppe, Tim Carter, Simon Cox, Esther Sandler, Lucy Van, Tessa Richardson, Ocea Sellar, Jaqueline Ball, Chris Onton, Katie Lenanton, Patrick O’Brien, Karl Williams, Niel Aldum, Larissa Boyd, Freya Poulson, Gemma Weston, Claudia Cukrov, Andrew Murray,
Steph Kretowicz, David Egan, Thomas Rowe, Matthew Aitken, Henry Heartbreak, Amber Gempton and more..

Coastal Shelf is a new exhibition space and shop and will be stocking artists books and editions, art and design journals, apparel, local and international music labels...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hours- 12-5 pm Thu-Sun

Date:	Saturday, August 29, 2009
Time:	6:00pm - 10:00pm
Location:	Coastal Shelf
Street:	6-8 Pier St
City/Town:	Perth, Australia

Nina bein' in Melbourne and Gemmer and Clarke feeling a little bit merh means the zine in this will be a solo one by me. Come down and czech it out, I hear there is mulled wine and potato gems too.

Pictures I just snuck into my sister's assignment about Bill Gates

Job Advertised in The West on Wednesday

"Caretaker couple required at Sunseeker's Nudist Club. Free rent of two bedroom duplex in return for light duties. Suit retirees."

What the what.

I have a fantasy where Clare and I go live there. Our lives would be all bing-bongs and ding-dongs.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh My!

John McEnroe is so much like Ryan Boserio except that Ryan Boserio is way ruder.

Pathetic aspects of my life made less so by 30 Rock

I know I probs mention 30 Rock too much on COD but it is seriously all I watch. Anyway, this blog is about all the sad aspects of my life that previously depressed me until I started looking at my life like it was a comedy TV show.

• I spilled a glass of red wine on my laptop
• that I buy fruit when I buy junk food so that the people at the checkout don't think less of me
• when I buy a lot at McDonald's I seriously consider pretending to be on the phone to someone saying "yes, I'm getting it now...four cheeseburgers, right?"
• that my local Domino's knows me by name (these all seem to be about food)
• that I couldn't wait 3 days for a haircut (too excited) so I cut it myself and now I look like a small Town lesbian. Actually I didn't like it before but I do now. I feel like a girl for the first time since my year 12 ball
• every time someone orders pizza to a house on my street at work I say "howdy neighbour!" they seriously don't care.
• that I have tried to quit smoking every week for around 2 years
• I'm really messy. I'd look like a hobo in a Chanel suit, so imagine how horrifying I look in my actual clothes (I spent $80 at Cotton On the other day)
• that I'm so against the War on Terror and racial stereotyping and all that junk but if there is a guy on the same plane as me with a turban, I get nervous
• I go searching for my granny pants in the morning, I have something like 20 pairs of sexy undies but they go untouched, they go untouched like Hilary Clinton's vagina
• there's a mould stain on my coffee table because I left a HJ's Fanta on it for so long that it soaked through the cup
• my number one celeb crush at the moment is Louis Theroux (I can't stop thinking about him on that weird exercise machine getting spanked by that bizarro doctor)
• I'm super psyched to wear the tattoos that came with the bag of Freddos I bought (esp. the one where he's body boarding!!!)
• The lie spirals I occasionally get trapped in (I'm basically a twelve year old Larry David)
• I'm convinced the only way I'm ever going to be skinny is by going on Survivor
• I like Gay Porn
• My love for The View and Oprah (damn them being on at the same time)
• That I'm always talking about Feminism, I have read The Second Sex and pretty much only listen to Riot Grrrl music but I still get intimidated by all men, even losers and retards and I totally call girls sluts.
• I act all political but I'm not even enrolled to vote
• I have a gigantic bruise on my butt, I don't remember falling over. I think I slept on a T-Rex toy
• I blew up balloons at work, drew creepy faces on them and hid them in all the cupboards and in the fridge to freak out my coworkers. I don't even know them, I've met them like two times
• I start doing the puzzles in the West Australian at 4.30pm and I have to finish them by the time the store closes, if I don't I get really bummed out.
• Also when I do the puzzles it turns into a war between me and their creators (in my mind). Especially the 'Word Find' "oh yeah? Thought you could hide it diagonally AND backwards, think again buddy"
• I just spent 15 minutes seeing how far away I could get from my kitchen sink while still being able to spit water into it.

GREETINGS

trends i have noticed in melbourne:

x. REALLY AMAZING BIKES, pretty much urrrybody whoose anybody has the dopest bike youll ever see. i even saw a tiny minor with the most asthetically pleasing yellow number that had JUNIOR printed on it in a classic shade of black. woah.

x. CATS ARE SLEEEPING, EVERYWHERE, god damn it if i get reincarnated as feline in melbourne i would be pretty happy. 60% of the sunny shopfronts have cats sleeping in them. then youre walking down the road and BAM! cat sleeping under car. i like sleeping and possibly being a catty bitch could suit me quite nicely, EH?

x. SHOES THROWN OVER POWERLINES, thats pretty self explanatory. the question is why? the answer is i dont have a clue.. perhaps it is a testament too the citys artistic alternative possibly junkie residents??

okay, so anyway i have been having a pretty GREAT time and great is probably an understatement.. i am also now addicted too TRUEBLOOD and drinking mulled wine at kent street on smith street. that place is beefcake objectified, with elvis playing in the background.

TIGERAIRWAYS.. what the hell is the deal with the CAGE you collect yr baggage from. it was so windy and cold i thought i was going intoo anaflactic shock or whatever. the wethars been pretty okay though.

the toff in town is this svelte little bar above cookie an swanston street. this is where you drink quince pear sour for $18 a glass and you find lardy dah boys who look like an older version of jordan kirksby (HAI JORDAN).

HFNL*, (NME)


HFNL=have fun, never lob.

My Gay Life

Lately, the MAN has been getting me down. He is totally treading on me. The MAN right now is the company I work for, and our neighbours. I've had to swallow all my FUCK YOUs and WHERE DO YOU GET OFFs and instead I'm all SOWWWY and MAYBE YOU COULD. It's pretty much gotten me nowhere, and now I'm so angry 24/7 it's like I have Parkinson's. If you tried to take a photo of me I would be a blur. I used to think being a total sweetheart would solve everything but it hasn't. So, in conclusion:

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WHERE DO YOU GET OFF

Love Clare xoxo

Perth Myths #2

Everybody that is cool lives in Mount Lawley/6050.


Not true. I live in West Leederville.

FTSA

The Fuck the Scotsman Alliance met for the first time last night and we had a pretty successful meeting, except for at the end when Gracey went to the Scotsman. We moved our drinking to the Queens, and though a further walk from my house, was a much more pleasant experience. Nina got a birthday sundae on the sly, with a candle in it (never would have happened at the Scotsman), that I mostly ate because she was taking too long, the beer was flowing like wine and everyone smoked heaps of cigarettes, because they could. I, a non-smoker, revelled in the second hand smoke because it tasted like freedom. There were two girls behind us who ate like 1/16th of these fucking amazing looking meals, and I was fully prepared to eat off their plates wheh they left but then I forgot to keep an eye on them.

By the end of it, Nina and I stumbled home singing songs from really underground bands you would never have heard of and our neighbours yelled at us for talking too loudly at midnight. TALKING?? Derrrrrr. I would really like it if some young stud could come and service these undersexed Mt Lawley housewives because they don't have much to do apart from yell at us for forgetting to put our bin out ONCE, and parking too close to the footpath (but not over it). Actual quote from our neighbours: DEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Love Clare xoxo

Myths of Perth #1

The Scotsman Is a Really Cool Place to Drink

FUCK the Scotsman. Almost impossible to get a seat in the holy grail - outside. When you do have a seat you realise you are surrounded by Maurice Meade asymmetrical haircuts, scarves and weird older dudes that work at RTR. You decide to get a drink - oh, that's right, you are not trusted to carry your own drink to your table outside, regardless of whether it is less than 1m to the door. Well, at least you can enjoy a relaxing cigarette, right?
NO. YOU CAN'T. YOU ARE FORCED TO STAND ON THE CURB TO SMOKE WHICH DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. You are then in the direct path of pregnant mothers pushing a monster truck of a pram with her fat kid staring at you and elderly citizens who are carrying oxygen tanks on their wheelchairs. Why should they be forced to share your passive smoke? The punters at the fucking PUB who have chosen to sit OUTSIDE THE BAR with other DRINKERS and SMOKERS should share your smoke. Instead you are setting yourself up for a lawsuit from said pregnant mothers and elderly citizens.
But you can smoke upstairs, right? In half the tables on the balcony which equals = 3 tables. They are fought over more than an Iona girls virginity by a slightly elder baby moustached Scotch boy. When you get one of those tables you realise the cheapest drink is an $11 pint and the only food you can get is teeny tiny morsels of something that once passed for chorizo and some bread and olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Where the fuck is the poutine?


Fuck it. 6050 is fucking dead to me. I'm going to the fucking Inglewood to eat their delightful chips and peppercorn sauce and drink pints of Bulmers with one hand while smoking with the other. Why the fuck else did God give me two hands?

Notes from a drunk donut while watching tv at 3am

• I want the flavor wave

• have you guyses seen the ad for a mobile upload where you can see through a woman's clothes except it is a hot woman's bod? What about fatties!? Its worse than the disappointment a dude gets when he gets a girl home only to find out she's wearing a padded bra and Trinny and Susanna gut-tucking undies.
• Lust mobile: What is happening to Nikki in the shower? it says "Nikki is getting a *bleep* in the shower"? A rim job? I'm almost tempted to buy the video just to see. The only thing stopping me is that my phone is in my mum's name and I think she checks my bill to see if I have a boyfriend (IE: any number showing up on my bill that isn't Clare's). Don't even get me started on what "Liz" might e doing with that banana.
• Might sign up for lava live. Hopefully I won't get kicked off this one for being a prostitute.
• Subscribe to hot Asian chicks: okay so you could pay between $5 and $20 a month for videos of hot Asians but from what I've gathered from my vast 22 years of life experience it is that hot Asian chicks like dudes with money even if they are ugly and white. So go work on a mine for a year (maybe not this year) get some money and then you can totally call "liz" or "nikki" yours until the money runs out. Then go rob a bank or sell a kidney.

Gemmer's guide to freaking out a one night stand

• put glad wrap over your fitted sheet (must be done before you go out trawling)
• "so what safeword do you like to use?" (as soon as you get through the door)
• put a giant padlock and chain on yr wardrobe (if they ask about it fold your arms and look at them suspiciously)
• only offer them milk to drink, when they ask for something else (including water) just shake your head like you think the question is weird and say "milk"
• offer to give them a haircut. When they say no just shrug and go wash your hands for 5 minutes
• if you actually manage to get them to have sex with you hum the tune to Mambo No.5 which doing the biz. You have two options (1) look off into the distance and move your head to the beat or (2) stare at their face without blinking
• pull away while making out and say accusingly "don't look at my legs" even if the lights are off (especially if the lights are off) then start hardcore macking on them again
• after coitus turn on your bedside lamp and start highlighting shows in TV Guide (requires you to place it there earlier). After you have marked the first couple shows turn to them and say sweetly "good niiiiight" then go back to highlighting

let me know if you actually do any of these supremo moves at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com and I will do you the honour of replying (maybe)

Seeing You Makes Me Wanna Puke

Here is a list of buses I catch every week:

21
67
68
69
16
60
98
423
425
426
160
881
940
102
107
103
99

In conclusion, FUCK MY LIFE WHERE'S MY CAR.

Love Clare xoxo

INTERCONTINENTAL, NON SENTIMENTAL TALES OF TRAVELS, BRAINCELLS UNRAVELLED.

seeing as im going on an aeroplane soon, i was inundated with thoughts and memories of other times i had used such extravagant forms of public transport EG, HOLIDAYS.

GREYMOUTH, NZ (10-14 yrs of age)

my sister and i used too travel down too greymouth about once a year too visit my dads side of the family. my grandfather and his wifey owned a big farm and thats where i pretty much learnt too fear most animals and small children.

UNLESS you are armed with electric beating stick (this is crucial for yr safety) but you only get that once you prove how "down too earth you are" which pretty much means wading through thigh high animal excretion, being bitten and kicked by animals that have testicles larger than yr head, and being the passenger on a quad bike while yr 6 yr old cousin "drives" and by drive i mean almost crash, laugh hysterically then "dismount you" by slamming on the brakes suddenly causing you too be bucked from the motorbike with such speed you collide with the ground, winded, writhing and asking for mom.

(eventually i earnt the electric stick but was never brave enough too use it) oh yeah, its probably called a cattle prod.

anyway it was fun because every morning we would eat porridge with brown sugar and cream and in the afternoon i sipped REAL milk IE, FRESH FRM THE COW.

this one time, while i was in greymouth i accidentally whipped my sister with a dressage whip and got chased down the driveway. i kept running because my sister was wailing like a baby and she had this big red welt across her back. what can i say? i was 11 and i literally thought they would murder me.

BALI, BALI (15 yrs of age)

the thing i liked most about bali was the hard rock cafe! and the mini bar! and the hotel swimming pool! and chocolate brownies!!

pretty much anything outside the hotel room doors i loathed. i resented the tacky imitation watches and inferior range of chilled beverages.

i disliked the people, or more pointedly the woman who GRABBED my sister and i, then yelled in my mums face "HAIR BRAID THAY WANA HARR BRAYYDD" my mum replied "do you girls really want youre hair braided?" too which my sister and i quietly shook our heads. this bint would not shut her pie hole "ONLY FIVE DORRAH, BARGAIN!! CLOSING DOWN SAIL! MUCH DAMAGED STOCK, LAST TIME EVER ETC!"

if only i spoke.. "seriously lady im only 15 but i am aware of my round head, therefore im aware i dont suit braids. i also suspect you may be an HIV carrier, please step away"

BRISVEGAS BABY, AUSTRALIA (18 yrs of age)

i went too brisbane, on my own, first time solo travel too visit my good friend rebecca dennis.

brisbane is quite pretty in some ways, they have a picture-esque coastine, they sell port royal tobaccoo (NZ brand), the shops are open pretty much all the time, the suns bright and starbucks is a sweet, sweet, novelty, giant sized coffee delight.

the locals however seem too be fans of the "tan, torso, tit job" trifecta. this means you must be showing AT LEAST two of these things 24/7. three and yr a total goddess. 

in their world i fail miserably. im young, i think 'interpol' means international police and 'the bakery' is somewhere you buy bread from. and im a pasty little moon tanner. and im a 10A, the official founder of the itty bitty titty committee. so i wouldnt want too move there or anything but i did end up having a good time noune the less. we made macaroni cheese from scratch with layers of tasty cheese and potatoe crisps crumbled on top with parmesan for extra flavour and crunch! i dont think id seen anyone except my mum and nana cook before this so it was quite clearly an epiphany for my 18 yr old brains. 

i also lobbed! for the first time! it didnt really do anything except make my eyes look huge, which i didnt mind too much. i called it "the lost child look" and i thought it expressed my inner turmoil perfectly. i woke up at 1pm the next day grinding my teeth because i had a tic-tac in my mouth, which in my dream had bean a hearty leg of poultry. i think i went too a drum and bass club too? 

yup, holidays are pretty fun. maybe it would be better if i was going overseas though, at least then i could be all "it was magical! lifechanging! i know who my true friends are now!! dont sweat the small stuff!! im really sure of who i am now! it just took alot of alcohol, sex, planes and money for me too find out!!!"

(NME)

The Best Guy

OK imagine this guy, without a hat, plus about 15 years, double hearing aids, wearing a safari suit and teaching you about "the big boys" of Greek Philosophy. He's slow talking and my hero. He makes fun of the world being fucked up and how he's gonna be dead so it doesn't matter and we're gonna have to deal with it. He's a real life reverend and he makes fun of his own religion. I love jokes.

If anyone wants to come to my classes and admire his toothless spitty mouth spitting shit just email axe_da_cod@hotmail.com. No distracting me though!

Love Clare xoxo

p.s. - he's not that spitty

THE BREAST

the best part of my day today was sitting outside the pub, drinking gatorade while they played the smiths. and also.. now, sitting outside smoking, while on the laptop, knowing i have tomorrow off.

i go too melbourne in just over a week, any suggestions as too my itinerary? 

G,HELL G,HELL YEAH!

ATTN: Know-It-Alls

My ultimate fantasy is to win a pub quiz night. Normally, me and my team comes fourth last. Sometimes the announcer reads out our wrong answers because they are so off mark ("And some team put down Quincy Jones!! Hahahaha!!"). Clearly, we have not chosen our team members carefully enough. Here's my run down of the team:

DJ AM: knows about buildings, I guess. Good at pop culture, but so is everyone. Not that helpful, could cut from the team.


Gemmer: Good at recognising celebrities. Knows every actor ever. Is annoying to have on your team because of her vague hunches. If the question is "Where was Kahlua liquor created" her answer will be something along the lines of "I'm thinking black guys, islands, French accents, Yah Yah Coco Jumbo, you know?". Is she worth it? L'Oreal seems to think so, I'm not so sure.


Pelsy: Good at history and geography, but not THAT great. If I found someone better I'd axe him in an instant. He has really long legs, which is great for when you have those questions that you have to give to the announcer in under 20 seconds.


Me: Really good at recognising bird, tree and flower species. Good at science questions and writes down extra facts for bonus points (knowing atomic weights of most elements to two decimal places has finally come in handy). Has a nice rack, smells like beautiful exotic perfumes. Priceless.

(actual unretouched picture of me)

If anyone thinks they are better than Gemma, Pelsy or Andrew, plz send an email to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com and I will consider you for our (my) team. Please list your relevant degrees, past quiz scores, ideas for quiz team names with the word "quiz" used as a pun, bust size, eye colour etc. Let's live our dreams together.

Love Clare xoxo

TAKING BACK MONDAY

wake up, mum comes over, mum and me on gardening mission, i make jokes about "forking it hard" and "forking the shit out of it", coffee, lawnmowing, nicotine nina, bagel - fucking ruling yr universe, clare and i walk, clare and i buy poprocks and candy from the corner store, clare and i settle on a parkbench in hydepark, clare and i make a few stiff drinks, gracey on a bicycle, girl club commences, clare is cold and wants too be sick, laughing at the runners, BLKOUT.... then... (allegedly) clare leaves, i finish my bombay sapphire, gravy and i walk too the queens, i am leaning on the bar lolling and thinking how fucking charming i am when really everyone is laughing because im on a different much more retarded and uncoordinated planet than they are, arguing about exzactly WHO has seen me naked and who hasnt, clare calls and i tell her i feel "really special and that lots of ppl are trying my sungrasses on", bourbon and coke, walking home? supposedly my roommate is driving up walcott street and i am sittin outside the liquorbarron, head on the pavement, she asks me if i want a lift home, i reply by flipping her the bird,  i stumble home, she follows me in the car, i arrive home, at this point too drunk too walk so instead crawl or pull myself around like a gorilla, i try explaining how i feel too clare "sometimes ppl are all (bounces on bed) but im just like (bounces on bed)", i then try too send my deepest darkest feelings via txt msg, i want too say 'whats up? lets fornicate' but can only manage a 'sup lets fortythree' which clare cannot deal with, i wake up at 6am having no recollection of most of these events, no phone, no dignity, etc etc. i call in sick too work using my roomates iphone, forget too say whoose calling so at the end creepily say "NINA" then FORGET too turn the phone off and yr boss ends up thinking yr a total jerkoff because he can hear you laughing in the background, sleeping pills, a coma, waking up too red orange soda, hanging out the washing, almost vomiting on the shrubs, damn it.

sorry gravy, and anyone else who was probably mentally damaged by seeing someone so offensive hahahah. SOWWEEEEE xxx.