PLEASE

To Dear Andrew M.,

I would like to be the replacement guitarist in your indie band. I know about 7 chords and a few riffs I guess. I find it hard to stand up and play but I'm sure I'll learn! You would not even need to take new band photos, I have (as your official photographer) made a new, professional looking one using Abode Photoshop, or a similar program.



Please think about this for serious!

Yours sincerely,

Clarke "Shreds on the guitar" Weldon

Sometimes the internet is so good that I can't stop thinking about how good the internet is

And Don Hertzfelt has a new video, and Queefy just had her wisdom teef out so dis is weird!



If I knew how to put animated gifs on here there would be lots of animated gifs on here. I did it internet banking for the first time the other day, it was HARD.

I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE http://noyoushutup.tumblr.com

LAWL

I'm SOWWEE

This is a blog for my boyfriend, who really likes planes.



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A present for Clarey for getting 1st class honours

I was going to put this on FB but I was scared I would get deleted (because then I would have to leave my house to get laid)

peeking virtue from Douglas Burgdorff on Vimeo.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I had my work xmas party on the weekend and can I just say, HOOOOO BOYYYY.



This is me plotting and then...



BLAMMO making out with my gay boss (it tasted like bottoms).



Forcing myself on some more gays (Igor's mouth tastes like vagina)



Then talking to some food about it.



And then talking to some more food about it.



I think Chris and Iggy needed to talk to some food about it also.

I consider it a success because at least I didn't get caught by a bouncer eating sausage rolls under a table like last year.

NonBeyonces

This is yet another edition of "Girls you should stay the fuck away from." by Gracey Ophelia.

Playing the victim role ("poor me"): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation

I've had a rule since I was 17 or so that goes a little something like; "Anyone that tells me some godawful 'thing' that happened to them the first time I meet them is either a crazy bitch or a pathological liar and I should not have anything to do with them because they will either a) keep being crazy or b) lie to me heaps more." It started with this girl I met in an atrium of a friends house who greeted me with "My boyfriend died in my arms from a smack overdose 3 years ago."

As Bowser so eloquently puts it "You gotta lube it up before you stick it in, man."

While sharing secrets is one of the reasons why our hair is so big (cus it's filled with them), Beyonces are generally pretty guarded with the real big ones. Anyone that gives them away for freezies isn't worth my time as it's a classic symptom of a case of the crazies. Avoid at all cost!

I give attention seekers;
3 stars for comedy value
negative one billion stars for upsetting people who actually had bad things happen to them
5 stars for being hot. The crazies always are.

OH GARSH

Did anybody read this bad boy in the Sunday Times? On Sunday?

It is the worst thing I've read since some bozo told me to buy a collection of short stories by Miranda July. I don't usually read the Sunday Times but I was having breakfast with friends and needed an excuse to not talk to them.

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/national/italian-restaurateur-plenty-of-new-money-but-no-manners/story-e6frea8c-1225962084738

Now, I hate the cashed up bogans of Perth more than anybody!

Nice sunglasses robocop!



Nice tatt astronomy nerd!

So anyway, the bozo from this article ACTUALLY uses the terms "old money" and "new money". What a CREEP! He also bitches "I see people order an $800 bottle of wine and then they don't even know how to hold the glass properly". Hey buddy, if someone orders the $800 bottle of wine you should offer them a side of rimming, not a public bitch about etiquette.

I have been to both of this dude's restaurants and they aren't that great. Also, one of them is in Subiaco (aka bogan mecca), what with it containing the Subi oval and The Red Sea. I used to work in Subiaco and one time I had to clean blood from the pavement outside the store.

In conclusion this guy needs to get a bag and put it on his head. And stop talking to journalists.



Things about the 28/11/10 issue of the Sunday Times that are also funny/bad

• a PAGE THREE article about Luke Longley's daughter choosing basketball over modeling. Where was MY article when I chose retail over journalism?
• Obligatory racist rant: too many foreigners in our prisons! Garsh!
• Your Say WA: Should police use ethnic or religious words to describe offenders? I'm pretty sure some bike cops called Alexi and I drunk sluts once. I would have preferred it if they called me a "pogue" or a "mick". Jus sayin.
• Some fake statistics saying that passive smoking kills 600,000 people a year. So does shower mould but you don't see me cleaning my shower, do you?*
• Half page "article" about some purple flowers in Melville.
• Article about Rottnest only being available to rich people, I HOPE THEY KNOW HOW TO HOLD THEIR FORK!
• Article about how McDonald's is cheaper in Asia. LETS MOVE TO ASIA!
• I'm on page 33 and I'm hal bored. Too many shit articles.

*I may have made that statistic up but it DID kill Brittany Murphy. Allegedly.

Hey Nina!

I was thinking about how much I am going to miss Nina's snories when she moves to Melbourne. Maybe I will have to find out what this "skype" thing is so I can keep up with the boring stuff.

One time I came up to her while she was serving a customer at work and I guess I got the tail end of the conversation she was having with him because all I got was "so I just stayed at home and listened to Blink 182". He was pretty weirded out, I think it was because he was a biffy surfer and had never heard a girl talk about anything other than fake tan and The Waifs before.

The best sexual fantasies of all time

1. Buffalo Bill




Man that dude is CRAZY and everybody has had a phase where they like the bad boys. Please tell me you have never fantasized about being held captive by a homosexual hick who enjoys kimonos and tucking his dick between his legs SO I CAN CALL YOU A LIAR. He also has a nipple piercing and some weird tattoos which has additional piss-off-your-dad points.


2. Sexy Gynecologist



Can you IMAGINE a sexy gyno? Of course you can, even I can imagine it and my gyno is a VERY JUDGEMENTAL middle aged Indian woman. I also like sterile surroundings. I think it is because my apartment is disgusting.

3. Elliot Slabler




Clare and Gracie laughed at me because this fantasy is not very sexual. Basically in this fantasy Chris Malone and I meet at a New York roof top party, I am charming and he is especially taken by me and asks me to the Emmys. Obvs I say yes and we go and heaps of reporters ask "who is this new kid on the block?" and "what are you wearing?" etc etc. Then we go back to a hotel and intercourse each other. Whatever, that isn't even the important part. Mmmmmm the Emmys.

4. Jason Sudeikis



We meet after I move to New York and become a writer for SNL (a fantasy I have had since I was 10). It's kind of like a rom com, we don't click at first, we even fucking hate each other! But then we realise our hate for each other is a barrier we have built to save ourselves from the agony of LOVE!!! And then we BONE. Kewwwl.

5. Jason Segal



He just drills me, no frills.

Honorable mentions: being Maid Marion in the BBC production of Robin Hood, Being Veronica Mars with her sexy PI skills and sassy wit, Mr Rochester, Naomi and Emily from Skins (ghey and gay), being Don Draper's lover, Mr Darcy (obvs).

If you have any sexual questions send them to me (Gemmer) at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

Kewl? Kewl.

The New Cameron Stack

This is Brent. Some of you may know him. He moved into my house a few months ago. Apart from all my friends trying to dibs him, he's probably the most eminently quotable boy that's come along since C Stack.

"I'm going to open my own place. It'll be called Brent's Coffee's For Dickheads. Like Yourself."

Viva La

This one time I got really excited about the prospect of fucking da man! and revolution! and young labor! and politics! and making changes! and the world!

Then I read this paragraph by Bukowski;

but before you kill something make sure you have something better to replace it with; something better than political opportunist slamming hate horseshit in the public park. if you are going to pay through the nose get something better than a 36 month warranty. as yet, I have seen nothing but this emotional and romantic yen for Revolution; I've seen no solid leader or no realistic platform to insure AGAINST the betrayal that has always, so far, followed. if I am going to kill a man I don't want to see him replaced by a carbon copy of the same man and the same way. we have wasted history like a bunch of drunks shooting dice back in the men's crapper of the local bar.

So I just went back to worrying about my chipped fingernails and how much money I had lost at the TAB that week and what I was going to wear on the weekend instead, and I'm much happier now!

URRRYBODY

dear urrrybody,

as some of you may know i am leaving my favourite city (perth, no joke) too study and be a "big girl" interstate.

lately i have been a little bitch and trying too finish tafe (soon!) so i havnt had a chance too hang like bats with you all/sink a drink wit chu.

anyways i am trying too organise some kind of god forsaken road trip mid january so that we can all bond, make beautiful mammorys and high five each other with our genitals. lets do it!

thought id put the word out there as i know how some people have jobs, need notice, and we are all generally organisationally retarded.

SEE YOU SOON, lets never not hang out.

yours truly,

NME

THURSDAY

WAYS I COULD POSSIBLY IMPROVE MY CURRENT QUALITY OF LIFE

x. vegetarian milk steak

x. epilepsy (at least then id have "some moves")

x. murdering gail the snail

x. alcoholism

x. man hand corrective surgery

x. wearing underwear that isnt so old its almost see through, and so saggy it looks like i crapped myself

x. death too all "singer songwriters"

x. rheeses peanut butter cups

x. botox injections in armpits for my sweat problem

x. cloudy apple juice and gin

x. learning how too pop "sick wheelies" on my bike (and then proceeding too hi5 clare)

x. credit card

x. haircut from a licensed professional

x. reverting too a "child like state" where i am pushed around in a non stationary vehicle while being fed consistently and sleeping alot and making awesome input like cute burps

x. fast forwarding too two weeks in the future when ive finished tafe

i miss being social and shit?

Is lamebook kewl?

I am not sure if lamebook is naff or whatever but one of my favorite things ever is when people go to heaps of effort to create fake facebook profiles just so they can do this.






Creating a fake FB is really annoying and time consuming, just ask my FB husband Astronaut Mike Dexter.

Sorry for not blogging lately but I have been really busy getting myself psyched up for Christmas (I watched Elf yesterday).

Also I am going back to school next year to finish my journalism degree, I have completed all the core units so I just to do a bunch of electives for a year! I am doing ones in Sustainable Development so that I can be a foreign correspondent. My head of faculty said if I get a cadetship at the ABC it would only take 15 years for them to send me overseas! Siq! Suddenly the tickets I have to see Wicked in June 2011 don't seem so far away!

SUMMER JAMS

the sounds of my summer are very sweet indeed:

the cramps: can your pussy do the dog?

de la soul: the grind date. FYI, every mother fucking song on this album is perfectly aMAZing. (jizz inducer)

pulp fiction: the motion picture sound track. from surf rock to twist classics, you be vibing all night long.

the ronettes: born to be together. too cute.

elvis presley: king creole. in my top 3 elvis songs ever list.

you know how i usually hate on summer? well this season im living for summer. 100% summer. swimming at la maison, walking too school, bike gang rides in the sun, sitting on our verandah looking at perths KEWT skyline. tom collins - the drink of my last summer in perth.

thinking of you,

-NME

EARLY

"honey i love you.. but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead"

my favourite quote so far from kenny powers in eastbound and down. top knotch baby! CHECK IT OUT.

Some Things I Have Been Doing Lately Photographed By People That Are Not Me.

Jimmy touched up my tattoo. It's a knife and fork because I really like food, and eating it.


Jordan Kirkby hardly ever leaves my house; tries my patience. I need to play hundreds of games of Tetris to deal.


Brent, Jimmy and I ran a bookie at The Bird for the Melbourne Cup. After hyperventilating in the morning because of a dream I'd had in which a bikie had come in, put a $1 bet down on a horsie paying $5000, which promptly won causing me to have to marry the bikie to pay him out, it ended up being a rousing success and money was made by all. (Me and Jimmy Jack.)


This is my cat. Her name is Dash. She is sitting in a homemade mini golf course that my housemates made.



This is a giant tray of corndogs that I made for my frenz, including Benjamin Menzies. You guys should click the link on the side that has his name in it. He took most of these trendy photos.
These corndogs were made with a coarse polenta batter. The sausages were straight up frankfurts, and Mondo Di Carne BBQ sausages. Served with Dijon mustard, Rosella Tomato Sauce and a red cabbage and green apple perinaise coleslaw.

PET PEEVE

after having a thoroughly great shower, feeling the unmistakable thunder inside that is your need too take a dump. that really bugs me.

INTERESTING THING I LEARNT THIS WEEK

GRAFECES

"noun. a rare art form, often found in suburban neighborhoods, in which the act of graffiti is performed not with a can of spray paint or other conventional artistic tool, but rather with a piece of freshly released shit, often wrapped in some kind of covering to allow the artist to smear freely all over any kind of surface. some may consider grafeces to be vandalism."

HIP HOP HAPPENING

FUCK IT #1 - FORT

last week sometime i spent a couple of hours listening too clares django reinheardt "crazy rhythm" album (which is amazing btw) at home bymyself while constructing, what i feel, too be a glorious feat for (my) humanity/housemates.

the king of all forts:

it is hard too see from my inferior camera/photographic skills but this fort actually takes up the entirity of our lounge room.

many implements were used in the making of this, everything from crates, chairs, lounge sets too drawers, ladders and brooms.

i got very sweaty that day.

it is a great place too watch movies/take an impromptu nap/eat burgers in. i even put a little welcome mat (NICE HUH?)

so if your in the area, the fort will be up until i move outta wu-mansion (gracey/gemmer im looking at chu)

Sorry Guys

Been too busy doing this;

www.deepblackhole.com

WU-MANSION