Things you shouldn't do at yr work xmas party

• knock over two drinks within 10 minutes. with yr butt.
• contemporary dance
• hiding under a table so nobody knows how many sausage rolls yr eating
• get caught by the bouncers under the table eating sausage rolls
• make out with some dude from yr company in the backseat of a manager's car. Over her child's booster seat.

But make sure you DO power-barf all over your bathroom when you get home just to make that night a little more special (and your bathroom smell like partially digested sausage rolls).

NOW it is more like my life!

I want to go to there

Life Affirmations!

You know what is really profound? You can totally be whatever you want to be. You can give up your career as a lady who has conquered the "I'm gonna write teeny tiny things on grains of rice and put them in necklace so that hippies will wear them haha how dumb are they?" scene to work NASA, be it the space program or that weird band who rides on guest spots. Be whatever you wanna be. Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Hooray for life!

I learnt this lesson the other day when I was at the Llama Bar (haha!) with Mick Zing. He actually is be what you wanna be do what you wanna be yeah talented and makes awesome posters and is about to graduate and one of you guys reading this should give him a really high paying job. He made this poster/graphics thing for some night, so we went down to check it out.

The only place you could smoke out the back was home to a photography launch of Subiaco variety. Lots of people quaffing champagne and bowls of olives not being eaten precariously placed next to ashtrays. Bright lights, big city, light umbrellas, red carpet, urrone was thin, you get the picture. After standing there awkwardly drinking my $8 pint (Good work Llama Bar btw) a friend Craig Hollywood with us decided to have some fun by grabbing the nearest 45 year old man wearing a turtleneck holding two glasses of champagne and talking to him.

Craig Hollywood: "Sooo.. enjoying the night? Have you met my friend Gracey? She's one of Australia's best up and coming fashion photographers."
Turtle Neck Guy: *shaking my hand vigorously* Why yes! I believe we have met before."
Me: "We have?"
Craig Hollywood: "Where are you mostly based at the moment so much Gracey? I forget, it changes so much. And what was your last collection about?
Gracey: "Well, Melbourne at the moment, but when I'm in Perth I like to kick around with the lowbrow crew. My last collection was based on the "Fuck Terry Richardson, bright flashes and weird props."
Turtle Neck Guy: "Oh yes I've heard about this as well"
Craig Hollywood: "And your studio right now?"
Me: "Umm, based by myself in Melbourne but in Perth it's a studio in William Street, Northbridge called Last Chance"
Turtle Neck Guy: "Oh right, that's in King Street, correct?"
Me: "No. William Street, Northbridge."

At this point I retrieved my phone from my handbag and started msging someone something and in general just being a demure lady. Craig Hollywood took this time to explain to the easy mark about how I was a recluse and didn't really enjoy being out, or crowds. The convo finished with

Turtle Neck Guy: "Well you know, photographers. They're all the same."


In conclusion, lying is pretty much the most fun you can have without orgasms.

I'm too funny, it isn't fair!

When I was a kid these were the kind of guys I thought I would marry when I grew up.







ie: really funny guys, but I'm beginning to realise nobody is as funny as me. It's so sad it came out in a backdoor brag.

These are the types of guys I probably will marry









I think the breast I can hope for is to be the beard of someone rich and/or famous.

FITS LIKE A GLOVE

whenever one buys clothes, one must always ask themselves "is it possible too conceive a food baby in this?" please understand, noone cares what yr ass look like/how big that junk in yr oversized trunk is. if its small its cute! iddy biddy baby trousers! if its big its ghetto, favella! hawt!

i know so much about fashion, maybe ill even start taking photos and posting them on the blog. heaps of ppl will be wearing skinny leg jeans (skinny leg dreams?)

haha, right. HELLHELL.

BEING AWESOME

remember when i used too be nice? yeah me neither, that was so 2006.

anyway i actually was pretty sweet in 2006, thats when i was 18 (spring chicken) and i was really great and i used too go too cramplifier every friday AND saturday (commit!), and.. i held back from saying stuff, sometimes because i probably, most probable too offend someone and i didnt want too hurt anyones big gay feelings cause everyone deserves a chance, y'know?

like, everyones nice and nobody actually MEANS too be a jerk, people arent like that! thats not sensible, responsible, endearing or cute.

WRONG!!!!

around a year ago i started too wise up too this bullshit and its not like im queen uber bitch, leader of the gang, beating on peoples asses and what not but i can give you the 411 on TIMES WHEN ITS OKAY TOO BE OFFENSIVE/EXUDE AWESOMENESS. (i will explain this in great detail another day)

i just wanted too put it straight, for the record that it actually feels pretty great too say exactly what you want, you make people cry, vomit, have intercourse wit you, tell ppl when theyre being all "debbie downer" tell ppl you saw them on the internet.. ETC.

this raises another important issue, "debbie downers". what up? definetly not you, yr lower than the ocean... (SO PROFOUND/ORIGINAL) listen i know being sad is sometimes a medical/mental issue but there are just some ppl ive come across who seem like they just dont want too have fun. dude, the way i see it is 80% happiness relys on yr dumb brains, aka "yr tude, attitude" 20% relys on surroundings/other gay shit that happens.

so really, even if the world is falling down around you (ITS NOT, TRUST ME IM SMART) if you can still be all "bicycles, babes, books, long hot summer, partys, shower alot, penpals, embarassing music.." yr gurner be okay! maybe you wont be mustering huge colgate smiles but as long as you know whats up, stay sane.

being depressed isnt cool anymore anyway, were not in highschool anymore and yr not "a kooky individual too quirky for anyone too understand, oh. lament."

seriously, take me to the WAAAHMIS (wa music industry something.)

i had a cool case of the awesomes last night, its really gay too say this burt i really love the fellow chronic dardys i get too hang out with on the regs. they taught me brash and sassy, i , a protegee, lets hifive alot!!

Karaoke?

IS ANYONE ELSE AWAKE?

i wrote something, but it didnt make any sense. happy horrordays too ewww..

OH HAI

sometimes there are so many pretty boys too look at, them just exsisting is like visual masturbation.

this is it! summer!!

DEAD ON THE INTERNET

its because i donut haff no FB or myspizzle or tweeter. i think im 1 of 2 in perth. i am therefore superior too the majority or possibly technologically impolite.

really, both options sounds pretty damn cool if you ask me.

PS I HATE YOU

today is one of my very LAST days of employment at my current job. needless too say this induces a constant state of euphoria and "am i entering the third dimension?" type epiphanies in my tiny bean like brain.

i say tiny because once you work anywhere for long enough (anywhere ie. customer service-ish, read:hospitality) you know the ins and outs of the "bizz" like the back of yo hand. therefore yr brain absorbs all the information its learned and once trained up you hit the brain recession, its like the renaissance of yr intellect because yr so used too sucking ass 24/7 you forget how to do normal stuff like go to the grocery store or be in public places or do social things (well in my case..)

anyway, im leaving soon, dear god its for the best. but i have one last parting shot, to YOU.

YOU are the temperaturely retarded woman who asked "can the A/C be turned off OOOH ITS A BIT CHILLY INIT? HAHAHA" and laughed weirdly and hysterically in my sweaty, dead beat face. that happens too me alot, people laughing in my face, but this maxi dress clad broad was enough too make my brain have a million arguments with its common sense coordinator.. who does she think she is? cant she see my sweaty ass haulin ass too get her ass the best? ITS FUCKING HOT WHATS WRONG WITH HER? maybe her maxi dress isnt big/maxi/oversized enough? why should i listen too her? who does she think she is? the fat contoroller? only the temperature/ weather controller bint??

i think my furrowed brow started sweating so profusely she thought i was crying! anyway, long live summer fun... sunscreen etc. etc.

The best day of my life

The other day I was at work (I don't want to do a 'Gracey' so lets just say it is a department store in the city) and this guy walked by my section. He was totally normal looking, dress pants, dress shoes, white button up shirt, mid thirties, very fatherly. Except for that his white shirt was a little transparent and I could see that he was wearing a BLACK BRA underneath it.

At first I thought it might have been a manssiere/bro type situation but he didn't have moobs and also if you were a dude who had to wear a bra you probs wouldn't wear a white shirt over it. Not even girls do that (except for me because I'm a hot bitch).

So anyway I followed him into the lingerie section where he had a bra in between his thumb and forefingers and was rubbing it like it had a knot in its back. Like hardcore. I then went back to my section, squatted on the floor and silently wee'd my pants.

artists impression due to me not having the stones to get a photo of the real guy.

Prom! Grad! Seniors!

I graduate from university in November. It feels like a really big (symbolic) deal but it's probably not. This summer is going to be "graduation summer" and it is the space between me being a (symbolic) teenager and a (symbolic) adult. This means that it is going to be an epic summer. I would really like all my fwends to put our hands down in one of those circles and go "READY TEAM" so we get all psyched. I don't really care about getting a job, just about going swimming. OK!!!

Anyway I am having a party this Friday the 13th. It's a celebration of me, mainly, also us moving out of Avalon, and also it's about being reckless and getting off chops even though you have work at 9am the next day. OK?

Please enter off the laneway behind Beaufort St Post Office, there'll be a garage door open. If you enter from the street you will get tasered, probably.

Jonesing

HI. It’s me, Clarke. Let’s talk nails! I mean, meds. Drugs are kinda gay. Nobody likes lobbers, everyone laughs at junkies, and hallucinogens are ok on holidays, I guess. A million people are “quitting weed” (haha) because they’re not 18 anymore. I think you could say that illegal drugs are like totally out of fashion. Passe! Gross! Gimme a jack n coke!



An old trend still going strong is getting fucked up on prescription meds. It’s way cooler. Even celebrities like MJ are into it. But like, celebrities aren’t cool anyway. Dead celebrities are cool though. This post is going to be pretty on trend.

Benzos are benzos, pain killers are heroin, ADD medication is speed (or meth sometimes). I am kind of lying because they’re not exactly the same molecules, they just belong to the same class of compounds. I feel like I am making an “important point” here tho.



I don’t really care about people getting fucked up on meds (whatever) but shopping around for script-happy doctors and actually spending your pocket money on benzos just for funsies? Yucky. You are pretty much being a giant sucker and giving your money to the worstest guys. I would prefer to give my money to the underdogs, the little honest mom and pop dealers just trying to scratch a living from their cute little meth lab in Spearwood while all the big guys like Pfizer, BMS, Roche are hell stealing their clientele.

Pharmaceutical companies are the worst guys because they are super sneaky. It would be OK if they were all “Oh hai, we are all about the dorrar bills” but instead they pretend that their #1 interest is your health and well being. They make money from sick people, I’m into that, but then they took things up a notch and started making money from not sick people. You can’t really convince the average punter they have cancer when they don’t but you can convince them that they have ADD and depression and anxiety when they don’t. It’s pretty easy and they do it sneaky too!! Pharmaceutical companies make way more junkies outta regular people than dealers do, and it’s all above board and risk free. Also, the illegal junkies are always fucking up and dying so they can’t buy anymore, whilst the regular junkies ain’t gonna die, they’re hooked and ready to spend for the rest of their lives. If I was a doctor I would make a little “CA-CHING!” sound effect every time I signed a script, for giggles.

Sometimes newspapers and magazines are all about promoting mental illness awareness, for the good of the community. They release special liftouts listing symptoms of depression and anxiety, so you can self diagnose and toddle off to the doctor. It’s cute. The lift-outs are normally funded by the companies who make the drugs to fix you, but they keep that a secret and put it in the fine print.

The symptoms listed for generalized anxiety disorder are all nice and vague like “excessive and irrational worrying” and having physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, muscle aches, insomnia and irritability. Oh hey 100% of people I know. Same with depression: low self-esteem, loss of pleasure, insomnia, worthlessness, helplessness. If you break up with someone/have someone die on u and don’t get over it in a month then you are technically classified as clinically depressed. Oh hey 100% of people I know. ADHD is a real winner too because all the symptoms are basically “things kids do to piss off their parents” and also you can make junkies out of 7 year olds. So cute!! They’re all into MAD magazine and also speed.

Some doctors are the worst guys too, they’ve got the prescription pad already out. A sales rep from Pfizer will tell them to really push Xanax this month, Xanax is the one to sell this month. Or whatever. It’s illegal now to give doctors money for prescribing the most meds in the area, but they get ‘bonuses’. You get a bullshit script for oxycontin, they go on a Contiki tour.

Also, sometimes scientific studies are launched into the effectiveness of a particular drug, you know, by independent researchers. The independent researchers research independently, but you know, their study is funded by the pharmaceutical company who makes the drug. The results, you know, aren’t released unless they’re favourable and a potential increaser of sales. All research and development funded by pharmaceutical companies isn’t driven by what is a serious medical problem or what disease is killing the most the people. It’s about $$$$. The most money goes into cancer or heart disease research. Rich people get cancer. Malaria still kills around a million people a year, but no one cares about making new drugs to treat it or prevent it because only poor people get malaria and everybody knows poor people can’t buy drugs.

I know there are people who actually do have mntl prblms and dese meds actually work and are indispensible and great. There’s 0 things wrong with that. But it seems that if you can’t deal with yr problems (I CAN’T DEAAALL) and are bumming hard (GUYS I’M BUMMED) then there is something medically wrong with you. It’s really gay but that Radiohead song that’s all “fitter, happier, sexy, posi!!” (not how it goes) is pretty applicable. Sometimes it’s ok to be a sad, deviant, fat, gross, ill-adjusted, crappy member of society for a while. I’m into it!! It’s weird that people want to buy into the mental health industry just for fun and for getting fucked up. It’s kind of what they would want you to do, it’s all just money to them.

In conclusion, don’t pay for your doctor’s holiday. Steal all your meds! OR take it back to da streets and start wearing those hilarious t-shirts with pictures of aliens saying “Take me to your dealer”. Support mom and pop meth labs. I mean, you’re more likely to die but at least you’ll have a commendable anti-establishment political agenda. Being dead is cool anyway.

In an additional conclusion, I am totally working for a pharmaceutical company when I grow up. It’s the only way I can fulfill my dreams of being a scientist, having no soul, making a living off yr sickness and stacking papes. HEY PFIZER HIRE ME!!

Love From Michael Moore guest starring Clarke xoxoxo

p.s. – I totally take prescription drugs.

p.p.s – not really.