Last Wednesday I enjoyed a refreshing mexican dinner with the sisterhood, during which dear friend Alana starred in a movie called Poor Life Decisions, the P.L.D being trying the 'Insanity Chilli Sauce', which on a scale from 1 to insane was insanely hot (p.s. - I have cameos in this movie like everyday). She pretty much cried and was fairly uncomfortable for a long period of time but ANYWAY later in the night on the walk to the Scotsman we met some 17 year olds.
I didn't kiss them because I'm not doing that shit anymore and also they were girls and I am a member of G.R.O.S.S. (get rid of slimy girls). Seeing as these lahlahladies were a) drank b) garn to the scotsman underage and c) indie bitched out, and the C.O.D. has totally been in that sitch, we decided to give them advice on the rocky road ahead into their adult life.
So we started out with things like "if you go to university, you should...." and "when you move out of home, you can..." and "when you get a shitty job..." and "when you hit da clubz, it's best..." but then none of us could fill in the dotdotdots because we are all fucking retarded @ living. DILEMMA.
Luckily Alana "Alanis Morrisette" Goldberg (not her real name btw) was with us still and she managed to come up with one piece of advice from her green apple UDL/chilli addled brain for the 17 year old dardies:
"Never trust a naked musician
He'll only send you to the physician
Be careful when you're huggin and kissin
Tomorrow it'll burn while you're pissin"
Yeah so all we could manage was a rhyming safe sex ad. Or propaganda for dry humping, who knows. And Gemma is like a professional (on the internet) agony aunt!
In conclusion, now that I think about it, I have heaps of hindsight knowledge to tell 17 year olds who donut care. Like you should always hand in your university assignments cuz classes are really expensive and being at school for 6 years cause you fail a lot is a bonerkill and when you get a shitty job you should be HELL mean to customers because it looks cute on teenagers.
Love Clare xoxo
p.s. - urrbody come to Ludacrismas (Lewd-da-christmas). Call me, my names Tiffany.
12 hours ago