After perusing http://sorry-mom.com for hours this morning because I am too tired and sore to do anything else after coming off my bike on Vincent Street in the wee hours of Saturday Morning (going over the handlebars and hitting a wall, mind you) I have been struck by inspiration to actually spill some beans on some real winners I have picked up or been picked up by or attempted, etc over the years. While I am not actually going to post photos because a) I can't be fucked trawling around the internet for them and b) I don't actually remember some of these peoples names and c) Pretty sure I had a lot of these experiences before MySpace existed. So just use your imagination, and to help I will write a detailed description where necessary.
This place is responsible for most of these.
His name was Tom. It was love at first sight after he spied me wearing a purple lace Charlie Brown dress with a black bra and black bonds underwear and a beret. (HAHAHAH! I was 17.) He took me to his car where we listened to Propaghandi and drank vodka (HAHAHHAHAH!) until he started driving where I promptly vomited into my beret and then threw it out the window. I took him back to my best friends house and had some forgettable sex. In the morning he whispered in my ear.. "Hold Me." He also had weird bandaids down his back and for some reason had all the ingredients for laksa in the boot of his car. He made me laksa for breakfast and gave me his number after I told him I didn't have a phone. After I never called him, he wrote a letter to x-press asking me to call him or if anyone knew my number. True story!
It was my 18th birthday. I had not gone to my own birthday party and instead had ended up at Amplifier at 2am where a local, well known, quite old, indie music scene guy insisted on buying me Glenfiddich after Glenfiddich on the rocks and then smoked a cigar with me. He then told me he knew about a wicked party that we could go to! Instead he took me back to his house and made me a sandwich (which was actually pretty good) before hitting on me with the line "I want to be the oldest person you have ever slept with." I looked at him and laughed, then left his house and later found out that he has totally date raped a few girls I know. Sweet dude! No wonder you are (slightly) prematurely grey. He then added me on msn and kept suggesting I come over to "hang out."
I forget this guys name but I know the night was one of the drunkest I have ever been. After almost being hit by a car and being saved by a bunch of graffiti writers who then thought I was trying to "uprock" them because I kept stumbling, I sprained my ankle after jumping down off a pot plant in Amplifier. When I woke up I really needed to pee and was in some guys loft bed, fully clothed and unable to climb down because of my ankle and also the fact that I was in some hug of death grip. I could not get this goons spoonage off me. After finally pinching him really hard in the neck he woke up, helped me down and said "While I respect your decision last night to not sleep with me, I really want to have the option of changing your mind. Could we try again?" When I ummed and awwed he got really angry and said he never wanted to see me again. Fine by me dude!
Some douche I had been vague friends with for a couple of years took me to some romantic Kings Park spot, which was some roof that you climbed a fire escape 4 stories to get. When he went in for the kill I turned and vomited off 4 stories.
Thanks guys. Being easy is a really hard job and I'm glad I can finally do something with it like make you laugh!
2 days ago